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Discussion Starter #1
Age old question I suppose, but let me give you some background on this question. My wife and I have been having intimacy problems for years, and we have arrived at a point to where we have determined that her sexual development is still in a very youthful stage. I was shocked to hear that she has never tried masturbation and never used a vibrator, and rarely had orgasms (maybe never) during sex. She is very shy about talking about anything sexual, and I was just now able to convince her to try and use a vibrator. The idea behind it is that if we arent having sex, I wanted her to discover herself since she apparently missed that stage in her teen years, in the hope that it will revitalize her libido and we can start having sex again (or at a minimum she doesnt try to explore sex with other men). Im assuming that she never liked sex with me because she never had an orgasm. I know other factors go into our sex less relationship, but at least this can help her in the future regardless of what happens with us.

However, she keeps joking (in a half joking half serious tone) saying "i dont know why you are so excited about me trying out a vibrator, its gonna eliminate my need for you". So ladies, is this a serious risk? Im hoping that she will have a few orgasms and then realize how great sex can be, but Im hoping it doesnt backfire and i am eliminated or even worse, now she is more physically interested in other men....

She got the best one available...a 'rabbit' apparently..
 

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well what I see happening, is she gets into her rabbit and has a great time. Then at that point in her mind, sex is no good, rabbit is awesome. So I do know that once we do start having sex again it will be an uphill battle for me to compete with her new found savior, but I am ok with that, as long as it doesnt eliminate her need for a real man completely...
 

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I always wondered if it desensitized the area? Does it make it more difficult or take longer to reach orgasm compared to before it was ever used?

Sorry, don't mean to take over thread. Just thought I would add to the discussion.
 

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No probs, that is good to know as well. I assume it would make it take longer to orgasm during normal sex but I dunno, Im sure some ladies can answer that as well.
 

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I'm against vibrators as a general rule. Personal preference so no bashing. I prefer if a woman is going to learn how to please herself it's best to do it without batteries.

Men don't come with batteries. :)
 

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I have one and my relationship with BF is so new we haven't introduced them yet but he knows I do and I've texted him that I was thinking about him and used it.

I do have a single friend who says she fears a man will never satisfy her. Sometimes it makes me a bit numb so I stop, continue arousal and finish manually so I could see that it's a compliment to sex but using it every time whether alone OR with someone might prevent being able to achieve one without over time.

However, if she never masturbated, she never had a chance to discover what she likes. In this instance I think having one might just make her desire sex more. Its sad to think some women never or rarely orgasm. I can see how sex would get frustrating and lose desire for it if that moment never arrived.

Let her use it and later, with a glint in your eye, ask her to show you. I can tell you it's no substitute. There is nothing like a real one inside and I can't imagine never having a man for sex. If I had to chose I'd certainly give up the toy!
 

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Couldnt help but chime in...sorry.

I think at my wifes wedding shower, one of her friends gave her a little tiny pocket vibrator. I never realy knew about it until.. I dont now 10 years later when she dropped a comment about having had one 'a ling time ago' that broke. I sort of felt bad - she is pretty, uhm... shy about that sort of thing and she would never go get one on her own. Maybe she would, but she hadn't.

So. That year I did.. got her this 'rabbit' thing that has little beads in it that swirl around, its soft and big and pulses and has a little vibrating clit thing and my oh my.

It was pretty intimidating. I mean - how can you compete with that... I am thinking. Its an odd feeling. Even odder to walk into the local sleazy adult stor and browse for and buy one. There must have been a couple hundred different ones.

She blushed and took it and we didnt say much about it. A few months later I asked if it worked and she smiled a bit and said - "yeah, it works. The thing eats batteries." I was honest to god really happy - and less threatened by it since our sex life has always been very satisfying for both of us - at least I think it is. ;)

Not for everyone I am sure - but for my wife I think she enjoys her alone time once in a while too. I say good for her.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
Couldnt help but chime in...sorry.

I think at my wifes wedding shower, one of her friends gave her a little tiny pocket vibrator. I never realy knew about it until.. I dont now 10 years later when she dropped a comment about having had one 'a ling time ago' that broke. I sort of felt bad - she is pretty, uhm... shy about that sort of thing and she would never go get one on her own. Maybe she would, but she hadn't.

So. That year I did.. got her this 'rabbit' thing that has little beads in it that swirl around, its soft and big and pulses and has a little vibrating clit thing and my oh my.

It was pretty intimidating. I mean - how can you compete with that... I am thinking. Its an odd feeling. Even odder to walk into the local sleazy adult stor and browse for and buy one. There must have been a couple hundred different ones.

She blushed and took it and we didnt say much about it. A few months later I asked if it worked and she smiled a bit and said - "yeah, it works. The thing eats batteries." I was honest to god really happy - and less threatened by it since our sex life has always been very satisfying for both of us - at least I think it is. ;)

Not for everyone I am sure - but for my wife I think she enjoys her alone time once in a while too. I say good for her.

Well this is my thinking as well. My wife is extremely shy bc we have never talked about that stuff and she probably never has with any girl friends growing up. Its about as awkward talking to her about it as it is with your mother or something. Im hoping this brings her out of her shell a little bit
 

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Discussion Starter #10
I have one and my relationship with BF is so new we haven't introduced them yet but he knows I do and I've texted him that I was thinking about him and used it.

I do have a single friend who says she fears a man will never satisfy her. Sometimes it makes me a bit numb so I stop, continue arousal and finish manually so I could see that it's a compliment to sex but using it every time whether alone OR with someone might prevent being able to achieve one without over time.

However, if she never masturbated, she never had a chance to discover what she likes. In this instance I think having one might just make her desire sex more. Its sad to think some women never or rarely orgasm. I can see how sex would get frustrating and lose desire for it if that moment never arrived.

Let her use it and later, with a glint in your eye, ask her to show you. I can tell you it's no substitute. There is nothing like a real one inside and I can't imagine never having a man for sex. If I had to chose I'd certainly give up the toy!
Right, I think she has never had an orgasm and to me that is a shame. Im hoping this gets her excited about sex and I think that you hit it on the head - that sex with me has always been frustrating bc she could never orgasm, possibly because she never knew what she liked or wanted. I would love for the day that I could get her to show me or let me use it on her, but its so embarrassing for her right now that who knows if that day will ever come. She may need to use it for a while before she even gets to the comfortable point of talking to me about it or even showing me.
 

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I'm going to take a little different of a stance Mr. Pink.

You have two issues here. Your wife increasing her sex with using a toy and you two having a sexless relationship. Unfortunately those two issues aren't linked. It's no different to a man turning to porn and masturbation when he's not into his wife.

You need to figure out why your wife doesn't want to have sex with you. It'd be one thing if your wife wanted sex but wasn't completely satisfied..THEN try new things. It's another when the desire for sex just isn't there. If she's not satisfied to the point of not wanting sex, then giving her something that satisfies her will push you FURTHER away.

The only thing that I can think of to make this work is to link you with the rabbit, basically to see if she'd use it with you in the room, for you to use it, for her to learn herself and then teach you what works.

Good luck. I applaud that you're trying to fix this, I just think there's as many dangers as possible good outcomes. But it's still better to try something risky than to do nothing so at least there's that.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
I'm going to take a little different of a stance Mr. Pink.

You have two issues here. Your wife increasing her sex with using a toy and you two having a sexless relationship. Unfortunately those two issues aren't linked. It's no different to a man turning to porn and masturbation when he's not into his wife.

You need to figure out why your wife doesn't want to have sex with you. It'd be one thing if your wife wanted sex but wasn't completely satisfied..THEN try new things. It's another when the desire for sex just isn't there. If she's not satisfied to the point of not wanting sex, then giving her something that satisfies her will push you FURTHER away.

The only thing that I can think of to make this work is to link you with the rabbit, basically to see if she'd use it with you in the room, for you to use it, for her to learn herself and then teach you what works.

Good luck. I applaud that you're trying to fix this, I just think there's as many dangers as possible good outcomes. But it's still better to try something risky than to do nothing so at least there's that.

This is my fear for sure. we have had lengthy talks about our sex less marriage and I know there are a multitude of factors. Some have to do with me, some with her, etc. Im just hoping this gets her interested in sex in general, so that we can start to work on the issues between us in the bedroom. Because at this point, she is content not having sex and not working on it with me, most likely bc she has never had an orgasm so she doesnt know what she is missing....who knows though
 

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I was going to say the same thing as Dad&Hubby. There is something else going on with your wife other than lack of experience. She has some real hangups with sexuality. Is there any history (or possibility) of sexual abuse/assault in her past? Emotionally or physically abusive parents? Fundamentalist religious upbringing? A mom who harps on her and guilts her about all kinds of things? Does your wife have a body image issue or an eating disorder?

I think you need to have some discussions with her. Perhaps very different than the ones you've had. I would start with just asking her open questions. Be like a reporter who doesn't know her and ask her what she thinks of sex. Then STFU and listen. Don't judge, don't disagree, don't try to inform her. Just listen and perhaps acknowledge with an "I understand" once in a while. Probe deeper. "What do you mean by _____?". Don't assume her definitions are the same as yours, so if she uses a word like dirty, safe, worry, etc go ahead and ask what she means by that. As her if she feels you put too much pressure on her to orgasm. Does she feel performance anxiety? Does she worry about pleasing you? Does she have any questions she has been afraid to ask you?

In another conversation you can explain to her in a non-accusatory way what you think of sex. I told my wife that for me sex was a very private and vulnerable thing where I reveal myself to her in a way I do not do with other people. Sex is something I want to have with her, not something I want to do to her. If all sex is about is a physiological function it would be a lot easier and cheaper to take care of it myself or pick up a floozie in the bar for a quickie in the car. My wife was rather stunned because she totally thought sex was only a biological function for men.

You might be stunned by what your wife thinks about sex, and she might be surprised by your point of view.
 

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How does that joke go - what's the difference between a vibrator and a man? The vibrator can't buy you drinks. Hardy har har.

Seriously, I use both and MUCH prefer my man. So much so that I actually hardly use the vibrator.

I had huge hang ups when I met hubby, as a result of a religious upbringing and an indifferent first husband. He brought out the best in me and taught me that sex was for more than just making babies and keeping your husband from cheating.
 

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How does that joke go - what's the difference between a vibrator and a man? The vibrator can't buy you drinks. Hardy har har.

Seriously, I use both and MUCH prefer my man. So much so that I actually hardly use the vibrator.

I had huge hang ups when I met hubby, as a result of a religious upbringing and an indifferent first husband. He brought out the best in me and taught me that sex was for more than just making babies and keeping your husband from cheating.
Thats awesome. I think that she is closed up about sex because of her upbringing, nothing traumatic that i know of but she did have emotionally abusive parents and never really explored herself. I am hoping this helps break her out of her shell.

So I have the inside intel (from a friend of hers) who told me that she tried them last night and that the rabbit was 'worth every penny'. Today she was in the best mood I have seen in years, dancing around and all that. So far so good...now I just hope this leads to actual sex with me and not towards an unbreakable relationship with her vibrator....
 

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Discussion Starter #17
Offer to use it on her, or ask her if you can watch her use it.
This is my plan for down the road, but being as it took me 10 years to get her to this point I dont want to force the issue. She still hasnt told ME that she used it, but told a friend and I can tell she did because she is in a great mood. How long should I give her till I suggest it? Or what is the best way to ask it?

If you see from my original post, I have joked about it a few times and she has said in a half joking half serious manner 'no way that is for my private time'. So she still has some embarrassment to get over but I know she probably wants to explore herself for a while.
 

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This could be another clue for me. When we first met, ex had and used a vibrator. Later, she used it in front of me, but seemed embarrassed. Some time in the future, we got one of those ring things with vibration. I don't remember why. Did I want it or her? Anyway, I didn't like it and we didn't use it. She may have liked it, if I remember. Maybe she wasn't that into me? Wouldn't she know this before we got married? I mean, we did have sex. What would have possibly been the reason she decided to get married if she didn't like the sex? Ahhh. I'm over thinking this.
 

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My wife likes her toys, but only seems to see them as something we use together. Perhaps she does it in secret, but honestly she doesn't even know where the toy cleaner is so I don't think she pulls them out ever. Only when we're having sex will she ask for one or the other.
 

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well what I see happening, is she gets into her rabbit and has a great time. Then at that point in her mind, sex is no good, rabbit is awesome. So I do know that once we do start having sex again it will be an uphill battle for me to compete with her new found savior, but I am ok with that, as long as it doesnt eliminate her need for a real man completely...
Not at all true....

Nothing is better then the real thing. You can't really emotionally connect to a toy either. I go in spurts using one. I have more then one rabbit in my lock box. I buy all my things at adamandeve.com. If I don't like it, they will refund my money within 90 days whatever the reason.
 
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