[bobsmith]

My partner and I of many years have never closed the marriage deal. It is apparently really bothering her now but I never married because I never felt like I was getting enough in the relationship yet to do it. We have been engaged 3 yrs though in which I thought that engagement would have meant an instant change in her. NOTHING changed.

She says things will so much better once married but I am having a hard time with that.

 

[SadSamIAm]

Don't buy what she is selling.

I don't know anyone that got more love/sex after getting married. At best it will stay the same. What is most typical is that the amount of love/sex goes down.

 

[Cosmos]

If you're not getting your needs met now, I wouldn't be that hopeful that things will change when you're married. Unless, of course, she's a virginity until marriage woman...

 

[diwali123]

What is it that you wanted to change after the proposal?
If your needs aren't met now that won't change after marriage.
If you aren't that into her just end it. Let her find someone who is.
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[Mavash.]

In my experience it goes down after marriage.

 

[diwali123]

Sex goes down for sure!
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[Mavash.]

In my case love went down too.

Oh if I could go back in time....yes it's fixed now I know but I wasted so much time on someone incapable of intimacy. And sadly there were clues before we got married that I ignored. I thought it would get better after we got married. Right. LOL

 

[unbelievable]

It goes down a lot after marriage...and not in a good way.

 

[bobsmith]

In my case love went down too.

Oh if I could go back in time....yes it's fixed now I know but I wasted so much time on someone incapable of intimacy. And sadly there were clues before we got married that I ignored. I thought it would get better after we got married. Right. LOL

You gotta tell me more!! what were the clues?

My partner seems to be completely incapable of communicating. Still right now, in our little separation/spat, she still cannot communicate, only listen. I am about to bust out a whole case of daggers tonight because I am GD SICK of hearing "you are not acting like a man", "you are not mature", "i don't love you enough", "marriage will give me more security."

 

[sweaty teddy]

My partner and I of many years have never closed the marriage deal. It is apparently really bothering her now but I never married because I never felt like I was getting enough in the relationship yet to do it. We have been engaged 3 yrs though in which I thought that engagement would have meant an instant change in her. NOTHING changed.

She says things will so much better once married but I am having a hard time with that.

:rofl::rofl::rofl:


did she tell you she would buy you a unicorn? and candy will fall from the sky?:rofl:

 

[SimplyAmorous]

bobsmith said: My partner seems to be completely incapable of communicating. Still right now, in our little separation/spat, she still cannot communicate, only listen. I am about to bust out a whole case of daggers tonight because I am GD SICK of hearing "you are not acting like a man", "you are not mature", "i don't love you enough", "marriage will give me more security."

DO NOT BUY IT.... Communication is the soul foundation of working out all of your issues...a marriage certificate was never needed for ME to feel the security I had with my husband for YEARS before we walked down the aisle. I never felt rushed - like vows was suddenly the medicine I needed to cure me of some ill.

The only thing I was dying for was intercourse (cause we waited for that)...for us, I'd say it DID get better...but we had plenty of love before marriage. It was beautiful to finally consummate that love.

Communication is Absolutely HUGE... (a part of my thread below) ...

4. COMMUNICATION is VITAL, the root of all that can go wrong

....know how to resolve conflict !!

Excellent rundown on healthy communication here - Conflict is spoken here in paragragh #5.

Every marraige will struggle if communication is not used Properly & unoffensively. The Art of not being Offended If one is a Silent Treatment holder, it IS emotionally abusive & RESENTMENT building. Passivity, Irresponsibility & Resulting Partner Anger

Be a LISTENER as well as an effective communicator of your needs, be approachable always without a scowl. Ask questions, be open, honest in all things, understanding & learn the beauty of forgiveness ....we all have weaknesses & flaws, & loose our way sometimes. Learn humility & apologize . Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve


Vulnerability should be acheived -excellent 20 minute video within within 1st line of this link >> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...r-its-pain-its-beauty-how-vulnerable-you.html

Validation is important also: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/39565-validating-your-spouse.html

 

[Mavash.]

You gotta tell me more!! what were the clues?

My partner seems to be completely incapable of communicating. Still right now, in our little separation/spat, she still cannot communicate, only listen. I am about to bust out a whole case of daggers tonight because I am GD SICK of hearing "you are not acting like a man", "you are not mature", "i don't love you enough", "marriage will give me more security."

Seems like you already have all the clues you need but I'll add my list:

His childhood - parents slept in separate bedrooms, didn't love each other, no affection, no love, no intimacy.

Religion - catholic guilt - nuff said

Relationship with his dad - yelled a lot, husband could do no right, controlling, beat him down, low self esteem, became a people pleaser, etc.

Conflict avoidant - when things get tough he withdraws emotionally, physically. He visibly shuts down and this happened before we got married. I blamed it on stress but nope it's just him.

Relationship with his mother - she's a miserable alcoholic who became bitter and unhappy.

These were all signs that I was marrying an emotionally and physically unavailable man.

 

[YinPrincess]

Well... It may just be me, but I was always WAY more "conservative" when dating. Once I married my husband I kind of went all freaky on him, at least at first. (Don't knock me, he's the L.D. now)...

Yeah, I would go with the "best indicator of future behavior is PAST behavior" on this one...
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[homebuilder]

Someone once told me that the first year of marriage every time you have sex put a penny in a jar. After the first year every time you have sex take a penny out. You may never run out of pennies.

 

[norajane]

You gotta tell me more!! what were the clues?

My partner seems to be completely incapable of communicating. Still right now, in our little separation/spat, she still cannot communicate, only listen. I am about to bust out a whole case of daggers tonight because I am GD SICK of hearing "you are not acting like a man", "you are not mature", "i don't love you enough", "marriage will give me more security."

You proposed to her 3 years ago, asking her to marry you. Most women would believe that you actually already wanted to marry them since you just proposed. They would also believe that you actually intend to marry them.

Three years later and you're still not married. I imagine she's feeling confused, frustrated, insecure, upset, and clearly angry that you asked her to marry you when it seems to her that you had no intention of actually doing so.

Her growing anxiety about this 3 year engagement is making her anxious, insecure and freaking pissed off that you continue to want her to audition for the role you already told her you wanted her to be in your life - your wife.

I'm not saying she's right to talk to you that way. But I think that's where she's coming from.

We have been engaged 3 yrs though in which I thought that engagement would have meant an instant change in her. NOTHING changed.

The only thing that will change if you marry her is that she will feel more secure and less anxious about you wanting to marry her. There is a lot of resentment built up over 3 years on her part, and distance on your part, and she thinks that if you just marry her like you asked her to do that she'd be able to relax and be more comfortable and closer to you. That's more a hope than a guarantee.

Every other problem you two have will still be there. The communication issues you have will still be there. And you will not get more love/sex than you're getting now. Nobody changes instantly, or hardly ever, unless they do it themselves by learning and reflecting and making an effort to change. There is a lot of resentment here. That would take a lot of time and honesty and effort for you two to fix.

 

[bobsmith]

I guess my issue is the sex has NEVER been enough for me, she has never considered my needs because it is always on her clock, and has never really gave me that "loving attention" that many women give as a sign of affection. I do not mean oral sex, I mean just touching hugging, kissing, etc. She has NEVER walked in the door and hugged me, EVER. It is almost like she expects me to do it all.

When we got engaged I said, "you name and time and place and I will be there". I meant that to mean I am ready today for whenever. I now find that she expected ME to get more involved there. WTF!!!!!! Do I need to plan YOUR F'N wedding too????? I seriously think marriage is more for the woman anyway. I my own mind, I said "I do" when we engaged. She apparently did not see it that way...

 

[MEM2020]

There is a quick easy end to that if you have the stones. It goes like this:
You: I agree that his won't work. You aren't happy with me, and I have no interest in marrying someone who makes so little effort to please me.

And then no matter what don't speak again until it ends or she asks what you want.

Do not answer that question directly. Just tell her: if you don't know how to make me happy at this point, nothing I say will make a difference.

 

[Anonymous07]

My partner and I of many years have never closed the marriage deal. It is apparently really bothering her now but I never married because I never felt like I was getting enough in the relationship yet to do it. We have been engaged 3 yrs though in which I thought that engagement would have meant an instant change in her. NOTHING changed.

She says things will so much better once married but I am having a hard time with that.

If your needs are not being met and you don't plan on marrying her, then let her go and find someone else who will meet your needs and also let her find someone who values marriage like she does. She wants to be married, so if you don't plan to marry her, break up and move on. Marriage never solves issues, they tend to just get worse. If this is not what you want, leave.

Also, the wedding day is about BOTH of you, not just her. She is right to expect you to be involved in the planning of your wedding day when the two of you become one. Just something to think about.

 

[IsGirl3]

Stop wasting your life and her life. Get out. It will not get better. She is who she is. As meaningful as marriage is, it solidifies what you have. It doesn't create magic. It can't put something there that was never there to begin with. You're fooling yourself, she's fooling herself and you're stagnating and procrastinating. There's a lot of history in your 3+ years, so it's hard to make the break now, but it will be even harder with more years and kids.

 

[Toffer]

bob,

How much more convincing do you need?

She didn't meet your needs while dating
She REFUSES to meet them while engaged
She wants the security of marriage (translation - She wants to lay claim to half your assests)

RUN FORREST! RUN!