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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm married for 2 years and ours was a typically arranged marriage. Though I was not very interested in getting married in the beginning, I obliged to my parents' interest in getting me settled. I had no specific reason to deny the alliance either.
In these 2 years, my constant concern about the marriage is that some emotional connect is lacking between me and my husband.
Even during the courtship period, we never experienced any exciting moments, as for dating a new person for getting married. I'm basically a happy person and love having those flirtful moments with someone meant to be ours. But somehow I felt the disappointment for not experiencing it with the person I was to marry. All communication between us was very predictable and more and more formal. The problem is that I still find this concern more profound, in spite of the materialistic satisfaction we have. The Happiness is missing.
We are yet to have kids and the thought of having them with this missing emotional disconnect with my spouse, makes me uncomfortable. I feel insecure for some reason. I dont want to go for kids for society's sake.
He's not altogether neglecting me, at the sametime I feel he doesn't make me feel wanted either. I feel he wants me for the sake of society. It is very painful as I say this, because I'm generally attractive and many people have tried flirting with me. I'm still not sure why my spouse alone doesn't get close to me. Since he doesnot make me feel wanted, I hate him when some of my in-laws create some discomfort to me. All flaws seem big to me. I feel I'm being used for their societal status.
I try this concern not to ruin my happiness altogether as I have my own professional life too. But nothing comes as a pacifier to me on this concern.
Is there any way to establish this emotional connect? I do not want to seek any pleasure outside of my marriage. Please help.
 

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Have you tried reaching out to him yourself? Do you try to be affectionate with him - holding his hand, hugging him, kissing him?

Do you ever do fun things together? Bike riding or going swimming at the beach, going on a picnic, to a concert, something? Do you share interests in music or cooking or sport? Do any activities bring you closer together?

How is your sex life? Can you connect there at all?
 

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Have you discussed any of this with him? If so, what was his response? If not, I'd start with that and if you feel uncomfortable speaking with him alone, getting a counselor might help. The only concern I see with that is if in fact this 'marriage' is for societal purposes only, then he may not be willing to go that route for that same reason.

This comment: He's not altogether neglecting me, at the sametime I feel he doesn't make me feel wanted either. I feel he wants me for the sake of society

says to me he may not be happy with the 'arrangements' either. I would try talking to him first about how you feel; see what his reaction is then go from there. Marriage is designed for two to shower love, affection, support, encouragement, etc. on each other; it's not supposed to be a 'job'!!
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Have you tried reaching out to him yourself? Do you try to be affectionate with him - holding his hand, hugging him, kissing him?

Do you ever do fun things together? Bike riding or going swimming at the beach, going on a picnic, to a concert, something? Do you share interests in music or cooking or sport? Do any activities bring you closer together?

How is your sex life? Can you connect there at all?
I've tried a few times spontaneously. I infer that he's happy when I do, but I regret for doing these as he has never initiated such things himself on me. All he does is he reaches out to me himself only in bed, when it is dark. I can't understand what is running inside him. I'm uncomfortable on this. I spoke to him openly on this, he says he's a little 'shy' to do it when lights are on. The thing is we live separately and have enough privacy at home, what is the point feeling shy, I don't know.
When it comes to going out, in the recent times we hadn't had a twosome outing at all. It always consisted of his one 'single' friend. I told my hubby that it is fun going out with friends too, but we also need to have some alone time. He never denied, but at the same time never took any step for my concern either. I didn't pressurize on him either.
We do have a little sync with respect to music listening and taste, but we hardly have any interesting discussions on it. One thing I really appreciate in him is he's never commanding over my likes and dislikes. And the career chosen by me is also my own decision and he supported me. I get full freedom, but I fear that this freedom he's letting me enjoy should not be out of his carefree attitude on me!
I have to admit that he's selfish to an extent. He doesn't help me with my things at home. Everything is left to me to take care of. But he expects me to do things that will make him and his parents and relatives happy. I don't find this reasonable.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Have you discussed any of this with him? If so, what was his response? If not, I'd start with that and if you feel uncomfortable speaking with him alone, getting a counselor might help. The only concern I see with that is if in fact this 'marriage' is for societal purposes only, then he may not be willing to go that route for that same reason.

This comment: He's not altogether neglecting me, at the sametime I feel he doesn't make me feel wanted either. I feel he wants me for the sake of society

says to me he may not be happy with the 'arrangements' either. I would try talking to him first about how you feel; see what his reaction is then go from there. Marriage is designed for two to shower love, affection, support, encouragement, etc. on each other; it's not supposed to be a 'job'!!
Something is really very confusing about his nature. I was told that he was very keen in marrying me after we met for the first time. Though I had some initial apprehension, I was able to sense a liking that he had for me. But then, all his advancements were formal only. My confusion is that whether he liked me unreasonably or found me fit enough for his society :confused:
To talk about people associated with him will be another big story, which I don't find it a priority now. They are definitely not of my wavelength and send me mad with their attitude, but as far as I find comfortable with my hubby, this shoudn't bother me right?
 

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The most important thing is DO NOT GET PREGNANT. Give this marriage one year. Work on things together. Tell him you are not happy. Go to marriage counseling. Ignite love between you !! Maybe try separation for a couple of months. If everything fails, listen to your heart !!
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
The most important thing is DO NOT GET PREGNANT. Give this marriage one year. Work on things together. Tell him you are not happy. Go to marriage counseling. Ignite love between you !! Maybe try separation for a couple of months. If everything fails, listen to your heart !!
I had spoken to him on these apects, but when I was absolutely emotional myself to handle with. He would react like-I'm this way, don't treat me like an accused. May be I should find some suitable time where both of us are cool to listen to each other. Let me give it a try.
 

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The most important thing is DO NOT GET PREGNANT. Give this marriage one year. Work on things together. Tell him you are not happy. Go to marriage counseling. Ignite love between you !! Maybe try separation for a couple of months. If everything fails, listen to your heart !!
:iagree:

One more thing to add: Do not strike up any relationships with any other men, even casual friendly, until you work this out. Put the effort into rebuilding the connection with your husband, and if that doesn't work, divorce him, but give your husband the respect of trying to fix this first before moving on to another man.

Edit: Relationships evolves over time. That "I'm in love feeling" can't stay fresh forever, although both of you should try. As your realtionship matures, the "I'm in love feeling" becomes mutual respect, dedication, devotion and commitment.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
:iagree:

One more thing to add: Do not strike up any relationships with any other men, even casual friendly, until you work this out. Put the effort into rebuilding the connection with your husband, and if that doesn't work, divorce him, but give your husband the respect of trying to fix this first before moving on to another man.

Edit: Relationships evolves over time. That "I'm in love feeling" can't stay fresh forever, although both of you should try. As your realtionship matures, the "I'm in love feeling" becomes mutual respect, dedication, devotion and commitment.
I agree on this. Fortunately, I have not resorted to this, to contribute to the already clumsy situation. And the "I'm in love" feeling will not be as exciting as it used to be in the beginning, I agree that too. What I'm concerned about is, though you are not crazy about your wife, you should be supportive of your spouse right? Not like, "I see my job and you see yours. If you have a problem, you deal it on your own. Don't get it to me" attitude. Sometimes I feel he hasn't got the back-bone to handle some responsibilities. To put it simple, he likes to be as cool as he used to be when he was single. But he expects me to be "responsible" enough for him and his family. I feel this is not rational. But, let me talk to him on all grounds and see what he responds.
 
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