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Good question. My W said fix me or she is out. She was serious when she said it. For 20 years my W put up with my nonsense. Not until I truly realized my W stayed the course and hoped/prayed that I would wake up and see how was I handling my marriage did I get it! What an azz I was being. I did a complete 180 and changed for good. She was nothing short of worth my getting my act together. She stood by me for all those years. Our marriage is on a completely new level.

State your case. Mean it when you say it. There is a saying. You need to be willing to lose a marriage to save it. My W was willing to do just that.
I need to ask then, do you know what tipping point was?
 

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The issue with that is, I think she might LIKE the fact that I'm upset and not wanting to be around her. She has an issue with me being happy in any way. It's strange really. That's why I think she provokes. I'm hoping to spend the holidays with my side of the family this year, so hopefully not going anywhere she is, won't be a problem.
A lot of people are like that. So, yes, probably so is she. I've had similar situations with (ex) in laws and my own family. Whatever she says to you, give it some thought before responding. She may be baiting you. Sometimes, it's also helpful to be obtuse; to not understand what she's trying to say. The more she has to explain something, the less power that little cheeky inside joke becomes.

Two responses I have learned that will buy you time:

1. "Why do you ask?" there are very few people you are required to disclose information to. So take advantage of your privilege.

2. "And your point is....?" Very useful when people say something and you don't like where they're going with their monologue OR you don't know where they are going with their remarks and you want it explained without exposing your thoughts. ie Oh, I didn't mean it that way. You always have to take this personally .....

With both of these remarks, don't let other people tell you how rude they are. People are rude for asking personal questions and making vague remarks against another person. Let them deal with that issue first.

Don't ever say anything to her that you don't want repeated. or to your other in laws. or to your husband. Try these things for a couple of months and don't raise the issue with your husband. See how that goes.
 

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Discussion Starter #63
A lot of people are like that. So, yes, probably so is she. I've had similar situations with (ex) in laws and my own family. Whatever she says to you, give it some thought before responding. She may be baiting you. Sometimes, it's also helpful to be obtuse; to not understand what she's trying to say. The more she has to explain something, the less power that little cheeky inside joke becomes.

Two responses I have learned that will buy you time:

1. "Why do you ask?" there are very few people you are required to disclose information to. So take advantage of your privilege.

2. "And your point is....?" Very useful when people say something and you don't like where they're going with their monologue OR you don't know where they are going with their remarks and you want it explained without exposing your thoughts. ie Oh, I didn't mean it that way. You always have to take this personally .....

With both of these remarks, don't let other people tell you how rude they are. People are rude for asking personal questions and making vague remarks against another person. Let them deal with that issue first.

Don't ever say anything to her that you don't want repeated. or to your other in laws. or to your husband. Try these things for a couple of months and don't raise the issue with your husband. See how that goes.
Yes I do think she baits me...most of the time I don't fall into the trap. I never excuse myself or say sorry for this or that. And that's some solid advice. I will try both of those. Thank you! :):)
 

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Thnaks for the response, but I meant her tipping point that made her ready to leave you.
Ah, my anger issues that she put up with for years. My not listening to simply requests for our marriage. Honestly, I did not see my anger issues as abusive. My W had enough. I got my anger issues fixed pronto. My W was 100% CORRECT that my anger issues are abusive. Anyway, one day she had enough of my outbursts. She was at the end of the line living like she was on eggshells.
 

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I understand the resentment. My W was very resentful as I did exactly what your H is doing. You know, I don't know how our H handles the rest of your marriage but I suspect it stinks. Much like me. I was a two faceted man. I worked hard to support financially. I'm a great dad. As far as H material. Sucked. I thought I was doing the right things. Boy, was I wrong. Not until I truly recognized I was not being a H that appreciated/put my W first did I also realize I handled my family toward my W completely wrong. I did confront my family. Told them what for. If they decided to not call again...so be it. But, they came around and the air was cleared.

So, how is your H with the rest of your marriage?
What made you realize you truly weren’t putting her first/appreciating her? What helped you come to that realization?


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Wow, I hope I don't have to wait 20 years lol. Your wife is a saint. Our last argument, when he got angry when I tried to talk to him and he shut me down, I told him I wanted a separation. He mellowed out after that and said he didn't want that. But the lack of support is still there. He will not stand up to his family. He will not cause a rift for me. He has said so.
If he says he won’t cause a rift for you, seems your only option is to continue taking the high road (which believe me I know is exhausted). Or not go to the functions. Which if you’re like me you do want to be apart of the family and involved (but respected!!) it’s a tough spot.
Have y’all tried counseling?


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Discussion Starter #70
If he says he won’t cause a rift for you, seems your only option is to continue taking the high road (which believe me I know is exhausted). Or not go to the functions. Which if you’re like me you do want to be apart of the family and involved (but respected!!) it’s a tough spot.
Have y’all tried counseling?


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Well, fairly recently we established some boundaries, and hopefully the goal is to do one of two things: to get my sister in law to stop her games, or it will expose her real actions to my husband. Either way, the choice will be hers to make. My sister in law is a covert narcissist, at least according to my long observation of her (8 years). So she wants to be seen as good in the eyes of others (not me, because I have pretty strong boundaries and ignore her even when she spites me at her worst). That's my hope, that it stops. BUT, it would help my husband see the real her if she didn't stop.

The boundaries include:
Not attending anything planned with them unless: a. it involves the kids, b. It's a holiday or birthday. Otherwise, I will spend no time with them. c. if it's vacations, my husband will have to make the plans/get the information, I am washing my hands of that.

My husband now has to get all the party RSVP's from his family (so my sister in law can't complain that I am singling her family out and feign innocence). It's been a hard road to get my husband to agree, but we'll see how it goes.
 

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Well, fairly recently we established some boundaries, and hopefully the goal is to do one of two things: to get my sister in law to stop her games, or it will expose her real actions to my husband. Either way, the choice will be hers to make. My sister in law is a covert narcissist, at least according to my long observation of her (8 years). So she wants to be seen as good in the eyes of others (not me, because I have pretty strong boundaries and ignore her even when she spites me at her worst). That's my hope, that it stops. BUT, it would help my husband see the real her if she didn't stop.

The boundaries include:
Not attending anything planned with them unless: a. it involves the kids, b. It's a holiday or birthday. Otherwise, I will spend no time with them. c. if it's vacations, my husband will have to make the plans/get the information, I am washing my hands of that.

My husband now has to get all the party RSVP's from his family (so my sister in law can't complain that I am singling her family out and feign innocence). It's been a hard road to get my husband to agree, but we'll see how it goes.
That sounds like a good plan, and I hope this works out!!


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