Talk About Marriage banner

41 - 60 of 73 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
704 Posts
Discussion Starter #41
You said she does "subtle" things. Do not engage.
I don't engage with her behavior at all, even though there are many things that would justify my anger. Can't win with a covert narc, so I don't play her game. She's going to keep trying. Not logical people exactly. Every time there is something, she wants my emotional response. Doesn't make it easy to deal with. The fact that everyone else has a general idea about her and still walks on eggshells to make her happy is annoying and intolerable to me to say the least. And my husband's lack of enthusiasm or support for me, his wife, is most unbearable of all.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
704 Posts
Discussion Starter #42
If you H does not "get it" then your marriage will never get to a level where it needs to be.
It's not, I guess it's something I'll have to accept unfortunately. Hopefully I'm not back here in a few years to say I'm divorced because the resentment is just too much. But then he can't say I didn't try everything.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
341 Posts
It's not, I guess it's something I'll have to accept unfortunately. Hopefully I'm not back here in a few years to say I'm divorced because the resentment is just too much. But then he can't say I didn't try everything.
Do not accept it. Seek counseling that will be impartial and open your H eyes to what he is not seeing.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
704 Posts
Discussion Starter #44
Do not accept it. Seek counseling that will be impartial and open your H eyes to what he is not seeing.
I'm working on that as we speak. I think if we have another argument at some point, I will tell him that I want to marriage counseling.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
704 Posts
Discussion Starter #46
Why wait? Especially after arguing. Sit your H down now and calmly state you have no doubts this marriage is in trouble and marriage counseling is a must.
Yeah, maybe I will bring it up to him. It's the one hurdle we can't cross right now, this issue is always a setback for us.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
704 Posts
Discussion Starter #47
@Nailhead so I mentioned the MC. He said absolutely not. He said if we have to do that, he might as well leave. Not really sure what that means, or why he'd have to leave. He didn't care to explain. I'm considering doing some individual counseling.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,249 Posts
Doesn't matter if she's narcissist or not. What she is is a manipulator. She plays up the men so they overlook everything she may be doing that is unsavory or treating women badly (or whoever). I've dealt with this in a work environment and lost. Like here, the men say she's harmless and that can only be because she's sucking up to them and pumping them up with flattery.

Really, she knows this will make you the whiny complaining one, so the best offense is to outplay her at her own game and be so nice and understanding and suck up to your hubby and the men so much that they at least have equal regard for you and maybe one of them will be decent enough to realize she goes to far if they watch you getting run over forward and backward. But don't count on it. Many men like to pretend this type stuff isn't happening because they don't care.

Also, if you can arrange to have a witness with you, even if it's another woman, whatever, that she might do something nasty in front of, then there's two of you. In numbers, you might have some power over her.

Meanwhile, yes, just avoid her and them. And honestly, if your husband gets to where he won't stand up for you, that is a problem.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
704 Posts
Discussion Starter #49
Doesn't matter if she's narcissist or not. What she is is a manipulator. She plays up the men so they overlook everything she may be doing that is unsavory or treating women badly (or whoever). I've dealt with this in a work environment and lost. Like here, the men say she's harmless and that can only be because she's sucking up to them and pumping them up with flattery.

Really, she knows this will make you the whiny complaining one, so the best offense is to outplay her at her own game and be so nice and understanding and suck up to your hubby and the men so much that they at least have equal regard for you and maybe one of them will be decent enough to realize she goes to far if they watch you getting run over forward and backward. But don't count on it. Many men like to pretend this type stuff isn't happening because they don't care.

Also, if you can arrange to have a witness with you, even if it's another woman, whatever, that she might do something nasty in front of, then there's two of you. In numbers, you might have some power over her.

Meanwhile, yes, just avoid her and them. And honestly, if your husband gets to where he won't stand up for you, that is a problem.
Hey, thanks for replying!
She is definitely a manipulator. But she plays up the superficial charm well. I'm not really about that, as I think it's being fake. I'm pretty level in comparison, so I can't really do that. I do play as far as not giving her ANY attention, and I don't really stay in contact with her. She lives for attention, so I'm sure she hates that I don't pay her mind. Not that I want her hate, but you get the idea. The family is aware of how she is, and they've been witness to certain things. Only her husband and mine have not seen it, she puts on a great show for her husband. In any event, none of them will do anything about the abuse toward me, b/c as I said, they don't want to fight with her husband (my husband's brother). They let her do pretty much whatever she wants, and she knows it. I'm probably the only one who doesn't take the BS. No one will stand up for me, even though I've gotten on their case about it.

My husband will not defend or support me. He tells me I should accept it for what it is, overlook it, and pay her no mind. So that's pretty much where it remains for now.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
341 Posts
@Nailhead so I mentioned the MC. He said absolutely not. He said if we have to do that, he might as well leave. Not really sure what that means, or why he'd have to leave. He didn't care to explain. I'm considering doing some individual counseling.
Another one who is just to darn proud and nothing is wrong, don't need some counseling. In short, your H believes there is nothing wrong with him. Or your H is afraid someone may point out his issues. As for the answer to your H state he might as well leave, call his bluff. Ask your H when he is packing. Sometimes you need to be willing to lose it to save it.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,249 Posts
If you really want to give her no attention, you also won't go out of your way to ignore her. Plus others will look at that as you being mean to her, not the other way around. Doesn't mean you have to be fake, just polite like you would anyone, and then disengage. Just my thought on it. Do what works for you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
704 Posts
Discussion Starter #52
Another one who is just to darn proud and nothing is wrong, don't need some counseling. In short, your H believes there is nothing wrong with him. Or your H is afraid someone may point out his issues. As for the answer to your H state he might as well leave, call his bluff. Ask your H when he is packing. Sometimes you need to be willing to lose it to save it.
That's exactly what he said, "I don't have the problem". "It's you that has the problem". I basically said, no, in part it's me, but in part it's also you. No convincing him. But I'll be asking when he's packing.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
704 Posts
Discussion Starter #53
If you really want to give her no attention, you also won't go out of your way to ignore her. Plus others will look at that as you being mean to her, not the other way around. Doesn't mean you have to be fake, just polite like you would anyone, and then disengage. Just my thought on it. Do what works for you.
Oh I didn't mean it to sound that way. I do say hello, but it's really the extent of our conversation. That's on both ends. I suppose you can say we play nice 'publicly', but 'behind the scenes', it's not that way at all. It's such a charade....it really is annoying to live like this.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,249 Posts
I bet she's crying on some men's shoulders about something to have their support on this instead of them having their wife's back.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,253 Posts
Oh I didn't mean it to sound that way. I do say hello, but it's really the extent of our conversation. That's on both ends. I suppose you can say we play nice 'publicly', but 'behind the scenes', it's not that way at all. It's such a charade....it really is annoying to live like this.
How about don't be involved with her AT ALL. Don't go over there, don't attend any function she is at. If your H wants to go there, let him. Just tell him you are tired of being disrespected by her AND BY HIM since he won't back you.
You are done, period. if he doesn't like it, tough. He knows what he needs to do to support you and if he's not willing to do that, then you don't need to deal with it at ALL.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
704 Posts
Discussion Starter #59
How about don't be involved with her AT ALL. Don't go over there, don't attend any function she is at. If your H wants to go there, let him. Just tell him you are tired of being disrespected by her AND BY HIM since he won't back you.
You are done, period. if he doesn't like it, tough. He knows what he needs to do to support you and if he's not willing to do that, then you don't need to deal with it at ALL.
The issue with that is, I think she might LIKE the fact that I'm upset and not wanting to be around her. She has an issue with me being happy in any way. It's strange really. That's why I think she provokes. I'm hoping to spend the holidays with my side of the family this year, so hopefully not going anywhere she is, won't be a problem.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,253 Posts
The issue with that is, I think she might LIKE the fact that I'm upset and not wanting to be around her. She has an issue with me being happy in any way. It's strange really. That's why I think she provokes. I'm hoping to spend the holidays with my side of the family this year, so hopefully not going anywhere she is, won't be a problem.
So DON'T be unhappy or upset! If you aren't around her do stuff YOU want to do and stop giving her space in your head.
If you aren't there, how can she provoke you? Block her on your phone and social media, don't talk to her, don't see her, don't engage her, IGNORE her 100% of the time.
 
41 - 60 of 73 Posts
Top