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Discussion Starter #21
So why do you now have a problem with his parents as well? How often do you both go and see them? What sort of things does the SIL do?
His parents live in another country. I'm ok with them, but one minute they don't like her, and the next they defend her...it's really weird, and I call them out on it. I recently found out however that my SIL was gossiping about me to her (my MIL slipped). So, I got upset with MIL and said that the next time this happens, to shut her down, and not make her feel welcome to say the things she said.

The things she does
-went on vacation once with all of his side...my daughter wet her pants, we had to stop off at a store to get her new pants. They all told us they would wait for us to decide on lunch. She calls me while on line to ask how long we would be so that they could wait. On the way back to them, I get a text in groupchat with address of a restaurant. When I asked her why she didn't wait being that we spoke about it over the phone, she acted like she forgot about the phone call and what was said (she called me though)... IMO she made the call so that there was no proof of the conversation, so she could play dumb.

-at a family party, she was supposed to bring her son, but didn't. When I inquired, she said "my son didn't want to babysit your daughter".

-recently we were supposed to go pumpkin picking. She created a group chat with all the people who were supposed to go. The messages were unclear (because they had all spoken about the event the night before, which I wasn't there for. I wasn't sure about the date or anything, and when I inquired, she did not respond to my text (and IMO if you're organizing the event, it's up to you to answer people). When someone else wrote something in the chat, she answered immediately. So we were deliberately left out.

The list goes on and on lol. That's why I'm convinced she's a covert narc.
 

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His parents live in another country. I'm ok with them, but one minute they don't like her, and the next they defend her...it's really weird, and I call them out on it. I recently found out however that my SIL was gossiping about me to her (my MIL slipped). So, I got upset with MIL and said that the next time this happens, to shut her down, and not make her feel welcome to say the things she said.

The things she does
-went on vacation once with all of his side...my daughter wet her pants, we had to stop off at a store to get her new pants. They all told us they would wait for us to decide on lunch. She calls me while on line to ask how long we would be so that they could wait. On the way back to them, I get a text in groupchat with address of a restaurant. When I asked her why she didn't wait being that we spoke about it over the phone, she acted like she forgot about the phone call and what was said (she called me though)... IMO she made the call so that there was no proof of the conversation, so she could play dumb.

-at a family party, she was supposed to bring her son, but didn't. When I inquired, she said "my son didn't want to babysit your daughter".

-recently we were supposed to go pumpkin picking. She created a group chat with all the people who were supposed to go. The messages were unclear (because they had all spoken about the event the night before, which I wasn't there for. I wasn't sure about the date or anything, and when I inquired, she did not respond to my text (and IMO if you're organizing the event, it's up to you to answer people). When someone else wrote something in the chat, she answered immediately. So we were deliberately left out.

The list goes on and on lol. That's why I'm convinced she's a covert narc.
I have to say.... She sounds like a twit and annoying, but none of this is anything to ruin your marriage over. My goodness.
 

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Discussion Starter #23
I have to say.... She sounds like a twit and annoying, but none of this is anything to ruin your marriage over. My goodness.
I don't want to ruin my marriage over it. It's my husbands lack of support with it. Like, zero support. And that's not a good thing.
 

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I don't want to ruin my marriage over it. It's my husbands lack of support with it. Like, zero support. And that's not a good thing.
Maybe he doesn’t support you because you’re also problematic?

I’ve read your other threads, your SIL isn’t the only with issues. You’re part of the problem.


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Discussion Starter #25
Maybe he doesn’t support you because you’re also problematic?

I’ve read your other threads, your SIL isn’t the only with issues. You’re part of the problem.


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How so?
 

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I don't want to be in a relationship like this, I've told him multiple times that I didn't sign up for this,
Telling him you didn't sign up for this may be true, but it's empty words if not followed through with substantive action(s).

I didn't realize when I married that this was how my husband was going to be.
Did he pull a bait and switch or was it simply the fact that you weren't around his family much prior to marriage?
 

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Discussion Starter #27
Telling him you didn't sign up for this may be true, but it's empty words if not followed through with substantive action(s).



Did he pull a bait and switch or was it simply the fact that you weren't around his family much prior to marriage?
[/QUOTE
Telling him you didn't sign up for this may be true, but it's empty words if not followed through with substantive action(s).



Did he pull a bait and switch or was it simply the fact that you weren't around his family much prior to marriage?
Well I did ask for a separation. He wasn't thrilled about it, and basically told me no, he can't go through that again (his ex-fiancee left him. But you're right.

Also, I didn't realize the family knew about her manipulation. Everything is a secret...no one talks about it...no one said anything to me to keep the peace I suppose. But no one in husband's family comes to my defense, even though I think they realize it's wrong. It's frustrating, b/c they say they love their nieces and nephews but when they get left out of things, no one says a word...nothing. Plus, I didn't think the spite was going to carry on for years.

Frankly, I'm tired of fighting this invisible, silent battle alone. I don't want to say I'm perfect, I know I'm not, but c'mon.
 

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Wow, I hope I don't have to wait 20 years lol. Your wife is a saint. Our last argument, when he got angry when I tried to talk to him and he shut me down, I told him I wanted a separation. He mellowed out after that and said he didn't want that. But the lack of support is still there. He will not stand up to his family. He will not cause a rift for me. He has said so.
If you throw out the wanting a separation or D....mean it and follow through if need. If you don't it just becomes nothing to your H.

So you said you want a separation and your H mellows out. States he does not want that. It was at that time you should state if he does not want that this is what needs to happen. State your case.

Your H is not his own man if he his is not standing up to his family. Total crap. You are still the easy out because you will just take it. Your H needs to grow up.
 

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I don't want to ruin my marriage over it. It's my husbands lack of support with it. Like, zero support. And that's not a good thing.
I haven't read all your posts about this, so maybe this was already said, but...is it possible that what you perceive as a lack of support from him is simply his learned way of coping with her difficult behavior (like the rest of the family)...? I'm not sure if he actively chooses her side against YOU, but if not, could he simply be wanting you to just quietly deal with not liking her like he has for most/all of his life...?

You might be asking him to be what amounts to a different person by "supporting" you, and that might not be possible for him, no matter how much he loves you and wants to be different for you.

I could be totally wrong, but I wanted to give you a different viewpoint, in case you hadn't thought of it in this way!
 

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Discussion Starter #30
If you throw out the wanting a separation or D....mean it and follow through if need. If you don't it just becomes nothing to your H.

So you said you want a separation and your H mellows out. States he does not want that. It was at that time you should state if he does not want that this is what needs to happen. State your case.

Your H is not his own man if he his is not standing up to his family. Total crap. You are still the easy out because you will just take it. Your H needs to grow up.
He did mellow out, but it hasn't changed anything. This weekend, we had a function, and I told him I did not want to be left alone b/c of this situation. What does he do...he goes off here and there. So next function, I will not go. He will never stand up to them, b/c he says he can't win...this lady is that crazy. But yeah, the projecting the blame on to me, and telling me I'm being overdramatic and childish (basically gaslighting) is the worst part for me. Feels like my own husband doesn't believe me.
 

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Discussion Starter #31
I haven't read all your posts about this, so maybe this was already said, but...is it possible that what you perceive as a lack of support from him is simply his learned way of coping with her difficult behavior (like the rest of the family)...? I'm not sure if he actively chooses her side against YOU, but if not, could he simply be wanting you to just quietly deal with not liking her like he has for most/all of his life...?

You might be asking him to be what amounts to a different person by "supporting" you, and that might not be possible for him, no matter how much he loves you and wants to be different for you.

I could be totally wrong, but I wanted to give you a different viewpoint, in case you hadn't thought of it in this way!
Hi!
It is definitely the entire family's way of coping with it. But his sister will say "I don't want to fight with my brothers, and I love my nieces and nephews and want them to grow up together, but then sees our sister-in-law doing things to deliberately leave my kids out of that family time, and she knows she's like this...then you're full of s***, an enabler and I can't deal with nonsense like that. To me, she is not standing up for what's right, but more, what's convenient for her...

Support for me is at least acknowledging my feelings, and not making me feel like I can't come to him and vent; it also means not making me feel like i'm crazy and at fault. I chose to go low contact with this woman (I mentioned earlier she's a covert narc based on what I can gather), but she keeps violating certain boundaries, and I keep enforcing them. My husband also blames me for not being able to spend time with his brother and nephew b/c I don't want to be put in these positions any more. He thinks I should have to tolerate her and suck it up.
 

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He did mellow out, but it hasn't changed anything. This weekend, we had a function, and I told him I did not want to be left alone b/c of this situation. What does he do...he goes off here and there. So next function, I will not go. He will never stand up to them, b/c he says he can't win...this lady is that crazy. But yeah, the projecting the blame on to me, and telling me I'm being overdramatic and childish (basically gaslighting) is the worst part for me. Feels like my own husband doesn't believe me.
The "he(I) can't win" statement was what I said to my W. But at the end of the day what exactly is your H(and me) trying to win? The good graces of family members or the love/devotion of my W? As it turns out it always be my W who will come first.

Your H is not his own man. He is worried more about hurting(possibly) his family by stating his concerns over hurting you. He is disregarding your feelings, thoughts and desire when it come to his family. It is the wrong path that builds resentment. This you know. Every holiday will be a mess. Every birthday stressful. In short, you will grow to hate any and all family functions.

I suggest a marriage counselor to help your H grasp what he is missing in the big picture.

I'm sorry but your H is very immature.
 

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Discussion Starter #33
The "he(I) can't win" statement was what I said to my W. But at the end of the day what exactly is your H(and me) trying to win? The good graces of family members or the love/devotion of my W? As it turns out it always be my W who will come first.

Your is not his own man. He is disregarding your feelings, thoughts and desire when it come to his family. It is the wrong path that builds resentment. This your know.

I suggest a marriage counselor to help your H grasp what he is missing in the big picture.

I'm sorry but your H is very immature.
He isn't his own man. He doesn't care about my feelings, nor does his family, my feelings "must be sacrificed to preserve peace in their family". It has built resentment, but now it's not just toward my husband, it's toward his entire family. it's only natural, but it kills me b/c I don't want to be that person that's "responsible for taking my husband away from his family". I am currently looking for a marriage counselor that knows about covert narcissism, because they need to have an understanding that my SIL is that, that she is really the bulk of our problems (and the lack of handling of it by my husband and his family) and really to have him understand how to handle it, and why I go low contact. He is very immature, no need to be sorry about it.
 

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He isn't his own man. He doesn't care about my feelings, nor does his family, my feelings "must be sacrificed to preserve peace in their family". It has built resentment, but now it's not just toward my husband, it's toward his entire family. it's only natural, but it kills me b/c I don't want to be that person that's "responsible for taking my husband away from his family". I am currently looking for a marriage counselor that knows about covert narcissism, because they need to have an understanding that my SIL is that, that she is really the bulk of our problems (and the lack of handling of it by my husband and his family) and really to have him understand how to handle it, and why I go low contact. He is very immature, no need to be sorry about it.

The only person taking himself away from his family is himself. Your H is also doing a bang up job of losing you. Don't accept you are the cause for losing his family.

It took me a long time to realize my W was suffering in silence for the insolence of my family members. Once I realized the crap my W was taking and I was just seeing it as "what my family does" did I need to put a stop to it. I confronted all. You know what, we still go out to dinner, family weddings, cookouts and holidays. Only these days my W is seen a different light. Respected. I will not tolerate anything less.

I hope your H sees the light.
 

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Maybe the solution isn't getting your H involved in whatever pissing match there is, but getting you un-involved. My happiness isn't dependent upon being able to successfully mud wrestle every pig in the world.
 

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Discussion Starter #36
The only person taking himself away from his family is himself. Your H is also doing a bang up job of losing you. Don't accept you are the cause for losing his family.

It took me a long time to realize my W was suffering in silence for the insolence of my family members. Once I realized the crap my W was taking and I was just seeing it as "what my family does" did I need to put a stop to it. I confronted all. You know what, we still go out to dinner, family weddings, cookouts and holidays. Only these days my W is seen a different light. Respected. I will not tolerate anything less.

I hope your H sees the light.
I hope he does too, but I'm doubtful.
 

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Discussion Starter #37
Maybe the solution isn't getting your H involved in whatever pissing match there is, but getting you un-involved. My happiness isn't dependent upon being able to successfully mud wrestle every pig in the world.
Getting me uninvolved? What do you mean?
 
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