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Hi all,
So I've posted a few times before. But unsure about how to deal with lack of support. I'll explain.

My husband's brother married a woman who in my strong opinion (after having done lots of research) is a Covert Narcissist. I hope there is someone here that knows a lot about this. In consequence, she has done subtle, vindictive things to me (always in cowardly ways) over the years, but most times goes undetected; I've done my best to ignore it and not give her any attention, but it's very hard to live like this. I'm only human. But, over the years, I've come to expect her behavior, and that's not what upsets me. It's about the lack of acknowledgement and support from my husband and his family members.

I have told my husband about this countless times. He is constantly making excuses, saying what she does is probably inadvertent, and not malicious. From my experiences with her, I know that it is orchestrated and malicious. At times he blames me for it, and tells me all I seem to want to do is separate him from his family, which isn't really the case, I'd just like to stop getting under-the-table abused. He says he can't spend time with his brother and nephew b/c of me.

I recently had a heart to heart with my husbands sister, b/c of a recent issue I had with narc SIL, and basically, she plays politically correct, just said that "our SIL likes to win, and I overlook how she is". So, there is no support from her, or anyone else in my husbands family. Never has been. Everyone enables it. It's kind of getting to the point where I am disgusted with all of them, and don't want to be around them.

As you can imagine, my husband is NOT happy about the fact that I don't want to be around them.
What should I do, b/c we fight constantly about it, and nothing I say or do is helping. I am considering going to counseling, but COVID spikes makes me afraid for now. I have to get a counselor who understands covert narcissism.

If you were in my position, please advise me on what else could I do? Thanks for reading.
 

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Your H needs to make you FIRST over family. That simple. If not, resentment builds. Your H is taking the easy way out not confronting the family member(s). It is easier for your H to let you take the punches. That is completely and utterly cowardly. You must make your stand with your H.(I was in a similar situation with my W and family). I truly did not see the things my family where doing to her was hurtful. Your H may be the seeing nothing with the rose color glasses. You need to lay it on the table for you H. Point by point. Your H needs to cut the apron strings, become a man and stand up for his W. His family will either learn to respect his demands for them to grow up or they will ghost him. Either way, your H has his answer. Feel free to print this advise and show it to your H.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
Your H needs to make you FIRST over family. That simple. If not, resentment builds. Your H is taking the easy way out not confronting the family member(s). It is easier for your H to let you take the punches. That is completely and utterly cowardly. You must make your stand with your H.(I was in a similar situation with my W and family). I truly did not see the things my family where doing to her was hurtful. Your H may be the seeing nothing with the rose color glasses. You need to lay it on the table for you H. Point by point. Your H needs to cut the apron strings, become a man and stand up for his W. His family will either learn to respect his demands for them to grow up or they will ghost him. Either way, your H has his answer. Feel free to print this advise and show it to your H.
Hey, thank you for taking the time to reply.
I agree with you on all of it. I have told him he needs to put us first, and that he is putting his side first, and he denies it. It is easier for him to let me take all the s*** and handle it. I have so much resentment that you have no idea. I have been trying to make him see the light for a few years. Very rarely do I get support. The issue is, that now I don't want to be friendly with them or interact with them. They see the abuse, they are aware of it, and no one does a thing, they all stand by. I always thought doing what's right was better than doing what's comfortable for them. But I guess I'm wrong.
 

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You cannot change them--any of them, but you can change your expectations. Do not let her undermine your relationship with your husband. If you have to, think of your resistance--alone, without support--as you are winning--not easy. Lots of info on YouTube.
 

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Hey, thank you for taking the time to reply.
I agree with you on all of it. I have told him he needs to put us first, and that he is putting his side first, and he denies it. It is easier for him to let me take all the s*** and handle it. I have so much resentment that you have no idea. I have been trying to make him see the light for a few years. Very rarely do I get support. The issue is, that now I don't want to be friendly with them or interact with them. They see the abuse, they are aware of it, and no one does a thing, they all stand by. I always thought doing what's right was better than doing what's comfortable for them. But I guess I'm wrong.
So pretty simple. Tell your husband that you DO NOT like them, will not accept being treated like that any longer. HE is free to go see them, but YOU will not be included.
Then stick to your guns.
 

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Hey, thank you for taking the time to reply.
I agree with you on all of it. I have told him he needs to put us first, and that he is putting his side first, and he denies it. It is easier for him to let me take all the s*** and handle it. I have so much resentment that you have no idea. I have been trying to make him see the light for a few years. Very rarely do I get support. The issue is, that now I don't want to be friendly with them or interact with them. They see the abuse, they are aware of it, and no one does a thing, they all stand by. I always thought doing what's right was better than doing what's comfortable for them. But I guess I'm wrong.
I understand the resentment. My W was very resentful as I did exactly what your H is doing. You know, I don't know how our H handles the rest of your marriage but I suspect it stinks. Much like me. I was a two faceted man. I worked hard to support financially. I'm a great dad. As far as H material. Sucked. I thought I was doing the right things. Boy, was I wrong. Not until I truly recognized I was not being a H that appreciated/put my W first did I also realize I handled my family toward my W completely wrong. I did confront my family. Told them what for. If they decided to not call again...so be it. But, they came around and the air was cleared.

So, how is your H with the rest of your marriage?
 

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So pretty simple. Tell your husband that you DO NOT like them, will not accept being treated like that any longer. HE is free to go see them, but YOU will not be included.
Then stick to your guns.
I unfortunately am kind of being forced to go to functions. Not physically forced, but we have fights closer to the functions b/c I express my lack of enthusiasm for going.
 

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Why don't you refer to your April 15, 2020 thread on this exact problem? There was excellent advice there.
I actually have referred to them. It's the same problem, but now in addition to that, I don't want to interact with my in-laws anymore. That's really the only difference I think. But thank you for your constructive criticism. Most useful.
 

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I understand the resentment. My W was very resentful as I did exactly what your H is doing. You know, I don't know how our H handles the rest of your marriage but I suspect it stinks. Much like me. I was a two faceted man. I worked hard to support financially. I'm a great dad. As far as H material. Sucked. I thought I was doing the right things. Boy, was I wrong. Not until I truly recognized I was not being a H that appreciated/put my W first did I also realize I handled my family toward my W completely wrong. I did confront my family. Told them what for. If they decided to not call again...so be it. But, they came around and the air was cleared.

So, how is your H with the rest of your marriage?
How did it click for you though? B/c it's 5 years in, and i't not clicking for him. Like, what was the turning point for you?
 

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How did it click for you though? B/c it's 5 years in, and i't not clicking for him. Like, what was the turning point for you?
Good question. My W said fix me or she is out. She was serious when she said it. For 20 years my W put up with my nonsense. Not until I truly realized my W stayed the course and hoped/prayed that I would wake up and see how was I handling my marriage did I get it! What an azz I was being. I did a complete 180 and changed for good. She was nothing short of worth my getting my act together. She stood by me for all those years. Our marriage is on a completely new level.

State your case. Mean it when you say it. There is a saying. You need to be willing to lose a marriage to save it. My W was willing to do just that.
 

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I unfortunately am kind of being forced to go to functions. Not physically forced, but we have fights closer to the functions b/c I express my lack of enthusiasm for going.
So basically, your husband "forces" you to go through intimidation techniques. He makes a lot of noise and argues, and you bend to his will rather than put up with the arguments. You don't want to go. Period. End of discussion. Arguing your side and him arguing his side is an exercise in futility. It doesn't result in a mutually agreed-upon compromise.

Quit arguing. Set boundaries. Be ready for him to make a stink. Pull the plug on said stink by physically walking away from it. It's all about boundaries. If you go to these functions, it would behoove you to learn how to block out the SIL. I dealt with a similar type in my own family (a cousin). Eventually, I cut ties with that side of the family. I grew weary of her nonsense. Never regretted it.

Decide if you are willing to stand your ground no matter what. Frankly, I wouldn't be in a relationship with a partner who put family first. Been there, done that, got the tee shirt. We learn from our mistakes, and the most important thing I learned, personally, was to quit repeating the same mistake. JMO.
 

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So why do you now have a problem with his parents as well? How often do you both go and see them? What sort of things does the SIL do?
 

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Good question. My W said fix me or she is out. She was serious when she said it. For 20 years my W put up with my nonsense. Not until I truly realized my W stayed the course and hoped/prayed that I would wake up and see how was I handling my marriage did I get it! What an azz I was being. I did a complete 180 and changed for good. She was nothing short of worth my getting my act together. She stood by me for all those years. Our marriage is on a completely new level.

State your case. Mean it when you say it. There is a saying. You need to be willing to lose a marriage to save it. My W was willing to do just that.
Wow, I hope I don't have to wait 20 years lol. Your wife is a saint. Our last argument, when he got angry when I tried to talk to him and he shut me down, I told him I wanted a separation. He mellowed out after that and said he didn't want that. But the lack of support is still there. He will not stand up to his family. He will not cause a rift for me. He has said so.
 

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Why don't you just tell him you aren't going? No more fighting, just tell him to stop bringing it up.
We have a function this sunday, so I already committed to it. But I will take your advice and not go the next function. I am certain he will push me to try and go anyway, but I'll just stay quiet and stand my ground.
 

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So basically, your husband "forces" you to go through intimidation techniques. He makes a lot of noise and argues, and you bend to his will rather than put up with the arguments. You don't want to go. Period. End of discussion. Arguing your side and him arguing his side is an exercise in futility. It doesn't result in a mutually agreed-upon compromise.

Quit arguing. Set boundaries. Be ready for him to make a stink. Pull the plug on said stink by physically walking away from it. It's all about boundaries. If you go to these functions, it would behoove you to learn how to block out the SIL. I dealt with a similar type in my own family (a cousin). Eventually, I cut ties with that side of the family. I grew weary of her nonsense. Never regretted it.

Decide if you are willing to stand your ground no matter what. Frankly, I wouldn't be in a relationship with a partner who put family first. Been there, done that, got the tee shirt. We learn from our mistakes, and the most important thing I learned, personally, was to quit repeating the same mistake. JMO.
He does get upset if I say I don't want to go. I also can say I do put up with the arguments, but you're right, I have to stick to my boundaries (as much as it hurts to do so). My husband has agreed to see them less, and I have cut off contact with her, unless we're forced to go to functions, but it's a hello-goodbye thing. I don't get personal at all. I don't want to be in a relationship like this, I've told him multiple times that I didn't sign up for this, do deal with his unsupportive family and abusive SIL. I didn't realize when I married that this was how my husband was going to be.
 
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