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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi everyone I need to vent. I have been married almost a year now and together 3 years. I love my husband but we are having intimacy issues. When we first started dating I knew he didn't have much experience in the bedroom and I was fine with that. He had never ejaculated during sex before we started dating. We tackled that and that's not an issue anymore. Another issue we started having after we moved in together was that his lack of confidence sometimes affected his performance meaning he would loose his erection during sex, we also tackled that issue and it's not a problem anymore. Our sex was never great but it was improving and I love him so it was very fulfilling for me. The issue now is that we are barely having sex, I have a high sex drive and it's difficult for me to only have sex once a week or even 2. In the last couple of months I find myself having to take care of business on my own and my mind has started drifting thinking about an ex. I haven't cheated and will not cheat on him I love and respect him way too much. I have tried talking to him and telling him that most of the time he always has an excuse, he's either tired, too full from dinner, just doesn't want too etc. It's affected my self-esteem his constant turn downs that I don't even try to initiate anymore. We don't have children and it scares me the way things are headed. It also doesn't help that the ex that I have been somewhat fantasizing about started texting me (the ex lives in a different state) he knows I'm married. We haven't crossed any lines but I fantasize about him the sex between him and I was out of this world the best I've ever had. What do I do? How can I get my husband to wake up and get him more interested? Thanks
 

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The internet is filled with men complaining about lack of sex so this is interesting. I think sex therapy is in order because things like this rarely get better with time. I am just going to throw this out there, but your husband's behavior is much like the husband's of my two cousins. Their husbands are gay but were in denial. Most men are aroused by any naked girl willing to have sex with them, full of food or not. I have had sex while recovering from surgery in bed. It is not uncommon for gay men to marry women. I have seen this more than a handful of times in my lifetime.

You need to communicate well with your hubby and find out what the problem is. I faced a similar situation with my wife. Over the years she had been repressing her bisexuality and after she finally came out, she found that she prefers sex with women more than men. It helps that she shared her girlfriends with me. Now we are old and have sex once or twice a week instead of daily, but we now know what buttons to press on each other. My wife prefers women for sex but that does not mean she does not have intense orgasms with me too. It is just that she does not like penetration and once we removed that worry from her, things got better fast.

Of course he may not have sexual identity issues but merely a low libido but even that may be fixable. Low Testosterone perhaps or even something he does not like to do that he feels he must do like performing oral sex on you. Growing up being taught that sex was dirty causes issues too but unless you ask or convince him to see a professional, you will never fix your problem and I know from experience that if you are not being sexually satisfied, you will go elsewhere. When it comes to sex, people make bad decisions all the time.

I twice told my wife point blank that if she does not have sex with me at least once or twice a week, I will assume that I am free to go elsewhere and she is OK with it because a marriage without sex is just friends without benefits. She saw the light. Good luck to you but I urge you to get to the bottom of this before your hoo-hoo makes your decisions for you, and it will. I know because I have been the other guy a few times for women with husbands like yours. They feel that they are forced into cheating as the lesser evil to getting a divorce from a man that they otherwise love.

Good luck but ask your husband to be frank with you because you cannot live without sex and if he will not provide it, you are going to assume that it is OK for you to discreetly have sex with others. If that is not OK with him, let him suggest a solution. If he has none, that is a problem.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
I forgot to mention that I traveled for 3 days came back last night we went to dinner after he picked me up at the airport, before bed I tried to initiate things and he said tomorrow. What the heck I was so upset..... I missed him and wanted to be intimate but it has to wait.. I don't understand..
 

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You had an ex who had a series of qualities (sex was good, other things were bad) so he became an ex. You found a man who had another series of qualites (many were good, sex was bad).

You are now finding that for you sex is quite important in your marital relationship. I think that's important information for you to use in your life choices.

You are already cheating on your husband, by the way.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
You had an ex who had a series of qualities (sex was good, other things were bad) so he became an ex. You found a man who had another series of qualites (many were good, sex was bad).

You are now finding that for you sex is quite important in your marital relationship. I think that's important information for you to use in your life choices.

You are already cheating on your husband, by the way.
After reading other member's post I have deleted the ex from my phone. Yes sex is very important for me and he knew that when we started our relationship. I love him and only want to be with him, I don't care that our sex isn't the best I love him so it's fulfilling for me. You are totally correct the ex was great in bed but nothing else and that is why he's an ex I am not interested in any way being intimate with anyone else other than my husband.
 

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Whether the guy is sexually compatible or not is rather irrelevant in my estimation. What's more telling is that he seems indifferent to your needs and fixated on his own. Why would you hang with a guy who would rather watch you twist in frustration than devote a few minutes of his spare time to give you a little relief? Would he be more attentive to your needs if you were sick, frightened, heartbroken, disabled? At some point you are very likely to be all of those. If you can't trust him to meet your reasonable, basic, very human needs when it costs him not a damned thing, he's not required any sacrifice or risk, what good is he going to be to you (or any future kids) when he is called upon to take risks and make real sacrifices?
 

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Your husband is either no or low drive. You are high drive. You are not compatible.

Your options are:

1) You understand that sex is very low priority to your husband and accept that you will not be having sex often enough to satisfy your needs, part of this acceptance is also accepting that you may (probably will) end up in a totally sexless marriage at some point in the future

2) You end the marriage and seek out a partner that is compatible with you overall, including sexually

3) Or you cheat in order to have your needs met while staying married

I highly recommend #2
 

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Whether the guy is sexually compatible or not is rather irrelevant in my estimation. What's more telling is that he seems indifferent to your needs and fixated on his own. Why would you hang with a guy who would rather watch you twist in frustration than devote a few minutes of his spare time to give you a little relief? Would he be more attentive to your needs if you were sick, frightened, heartbroken, disabled? At some point you are very likely to be all of those. If you can't trust him to meet your reasonable, basic, very human needs when it costs him not a damned thing, he's not required any sacrifice or risk, what good is he going to be to you (or any future kids) when he is called upon to take risks and make real sacrifices?

@unbelievable has hit the nail on the head. The problem isn't incompatibility; your husband isn't just neglecting your needs, he is flat-out refusing to meet them.

How much you love him doesn't matter if he treats you poorly, because unless there is some SERIOUS intervention, it's not going to get better.

You guys have been married a year. You're young, with no kids. You should be fvcking like bunny rabbits. There is something seriously, SERIOUSLY wrong with him and your marriage. Whether he's gay, has low testosterone, or has some emotional/psychological issues hanging him up, whatever it is, it's a big problem, and it's going to hurt YOU more and more if it's not addressed.

If you're not on birth control, get on it NOW. Make sure you're not getting pregnant with this man; you don't want that attachment if you ultimately have to end this marriage.

Which you may have to do. He vowed to honor, respect, love you... and he isn't doing any of those things right now. Are you willing to live like this for the rest of your natural life? Probably not, otherwise you wouldn't be here.

You need to find a marriage counselor who is an expert in sexual dysfunction, and who is sex-positive (I'm hoping those two would go hand-in-hand). And you need to start thinking about what you're going to do if this can't be fixed. Because there's a good chance that it can't be fixed. You've been "fixing" him from the very beginning of the relationship, and relationships aren't supposed to be this hard. Yes, they say that relationships take work. But this isn't what they're talking about. It shouldn't be this difficult, especially not when you're newlyweds.
 

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Whether I really feel like it or not, if my wife needs or wants something and it's in my power to meet that desire, I do my best to provide it. That would be especially so for basic physical needs and emotional needs. That's the biggest part of the job description of being a husband. People who can't stand horses have no business being jockeys. I wouldn't spend much time trying to persuade a jockey to ride a damned horse. They either like to ride or they applied for the job fraudulently. Sex is a natural part of marriage. He can be happily celibate by himself.
 

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Your husband is either no or low drive. You are high drive. You are not compatible.

Your options are:

1) You understand that sex is very low priority to your husband and accept that you will not be having sex often enough to satisfy your needs, part of this acceptance is also accepting that you may (probably will) end up in a totally sexless marriage at some point in the future

2) You end the marriage and seek out a partner that is compatible with you overall, including sexually

3) Or you cheat in order to have your needs met while staying married

I highly recommend #2
Me too. :iagree:

I married an LD, low/no-interest-in-sex man. (He sure fooled me when we were dating!)

I hung in there for 20 years, raised two kids with this man, and watched my self-esteem plummet from +90 to -250!! (Yes, minus 250!) I was young-looking for my age, fit as a fiddle, smart, educated, relatively pretty, men hit on me constantly, and YET.... my husband wanted NOTHING to do with me!!

I learned WAY too late, WAY after my self-esteem was shattered, that this was HIS problem, not mine.

You are in a sexually mismatched marriage. Toss this fish back... there are many men out there who are just SALIVATING at the chance to meet a well-grounded, HD woman who wants to explore all the beautiful mysteries of an intimate relationship.
 

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You are in a sexually mismatched marriage. Toss this fish back... there are many men out there who are just SALIVATING at the chance to meet a well-grounded, HD woman who wants to explore all the beautiful mysteries of an intimate relationship.
And, the flip side, there are many women out there who have low drives and who would love to be married to a man who doesn't "bother" them for sex.

There's a lid for every pot.

If you leave, your husband can find a woman he is truly compatible with and you can find a man you're truly compatible with.
 

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It won't get better if he is not willing to work on it. And if it doesn't get better, it gets much much worse over time. Thank him for helping you learn how important sex is to you. Thank him for showing you love. Then do both of you a favor and free yourselves from this prison.
 

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Sexual incompatibility is a HUGE problem, even if the husband is gladly meeting her sexual needs, while having none of his own. I could not stand a marriage where my husband was mostly "servicing" me, while having very little desire for me! The pain would be UNBEARABLE.

Sure, there are times in a marriage when your needs are not perfectly in sync, and yes, you need a partner who will take a few moments out of their day to "take care of you" even when they feel no desire at the time themselves. But having a partner that doesn't feel a baseline compatible level of lust for you? No, that's a deal-breaker. It's vitally important, IMO.
THIS POST contains the nuts and bolts as to why sexual problems begin to surface in many relationships. It demonstrates a serious lack of self confidence on behalf of @OliviaG to feel loved while helping a partner potentially struggling with long term anxiety. This post is identical from what you find in most men because it is often much more difficult for a women to achieve sexual satisfaction and orgasm via procreational lovemaking.

The OP did say her husband could get an erection and climax but that she needs him to be more enthusiastic. This desire for enthusiasm comes from HER lack of self confidence.

When perfectly healthy women experience problems achieving pleasure during lovemaking, it is often the SELF CONFIDENCE of the male that becomes shattered. The wife struggling will still put forth an effort to please him, but then he will go into a frustrated temper tantrum and demand she enjoy herself. Then he will attempt to FORCE her to orgasm as a misguided attempt to prove to himself that she loves him. If and when she experiences this, there will be minimal or no pleasure from it, and she may cry afterwards feeling as though the love is gone.

In the case of the OP she seems to have mild issues with her own self confidence and may be trying to force her husband to enjoy sex.

While sex will be different in this scenario than her ex, she needs to learn to be very confident. Teach her current husband to please her, and allow him to respond to that on his own terms. It may be wise for her to NOT allow him to orgasm until he is the one that forces her to allow it to happen during sex.

Regards,
Badsanta
 

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I don't know what's causing his issue, but it seems likely to be his biology since during 3 years of patience and understanding from his wife the problem still exists.
THIS POST contains the nuts and bolts at the NEXT thing that destroys a sexual relationship in most relationships. A person struggling with self confidence issues while forcing his/her spouse to enjoy sex often concludes that the other person is somehow BROKEN and can not see how it is their own lack of self confidence destroying the relationship.

Men often trying to force wives to enjoy sex, will claim that the wife has hormonal problems and send them to a doctor. This now erodes her self confidence and destroys even more chances that the couple can fix her problems when the doctors can NOT find anything wrong. She is 100% healthy and just needs a confident husband that can share his overall happiness and sexual gratification with her in order to her to respond on her own terms.

Since the problem here in the Original Post is the man's desire and years have progressed, odds are the "honeymoon" phase of the relationship is over and IMO the next "nurturing" phase for newborn children should be beginning but there are no children. Regardless of who you marry, remembering sex from the past will always seem exciting because it was full of additional hormones from BOTH partners.

If I were to throw a wild guess at the REAL problem, I would say he is 100% healthy and has one of the following issues:

• Sex with his wife ends up in her complaining and making him feel inadequate, which in turn makes sex stressful instead of pleasurable. For an inexperienced male (I used to be one), learning how to please a woman is a very AWKWARD process to go through. He may very well be traumatized if she has ever bragged about her previous sexual experiences and compared that to him.
• His career is threatened or is NOT what he wanted it to be and he is under too much stress.
• He may very well masturbate chronically and hide it in the relationship. This makes sexual intercourse numb for him if he is ashamed and/or still in his refractory period.

Now IF one of those were the REAL problem, imagine being told by your wife that something is WRONG or BROKEN with you biologically!

Regards,
Badsanta

PS: @OliviaG I am not attacking you personally, but you make the perfect case to help illustrate a few things since you actually seem very confident and likely take this for granted.

PPS: Men and women actually ARE THE SAME! We are all made up of the same parts and this is why men have nipples! However, everyone is put together differently and experience things in their own unique way. If you were to be born a man, your clitoris would have grown into a penis while you were a fetus. There are some women that take male hormones for whatever reason, and guess what start to happen to their clitoris?
 

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Are you just pouncing on him and demanding sex?

Men need a lot more non-sexual physical interactions during the day if you want him to have sexual feelings for you later. Just grabbing him and telling him you want sex is not going to work.

Try complimenting him through the day. Maybe even help him with chores around the house. Offer to do the dishes after dinner and have him go and take a nice relaxing bath before bed.

When you get into bed, don't just hop on him and expect him to be ready for sex. Men like some teasing and foreplay. A nice long, slow BJ might work wonders before you start penetration.
 

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You seem to be making a lot of assumptions about the dastardly things that the OP is doing wrong here, (complaining about him sexually, making him feel inadequate, bragging to him about past lovers and comparing him to them, calling him "broken", forcing him to enjoy sex) but to be fair, you did say that you were making a wild guess.
TRUE, I can only make assumptions. I do so offering a glimmer of hope! If my assumptions are correct and the OP will be able to reflect on this, then the problems will have to be resolved in a DIFFERENT way. Instead of asking him to enjoy sex, she can ask him to help work on her self confidence so that she will KNOW that he loves her.

PS You can't be serious that we really are all the same, men and women. You just can't, so I won't go there...
Emily Nagoski, Ph.D. in Health Behavior with a minor in Human Sexuality from Indiana University.

"Come As You Are" ISBN 9781476762098

...the male and female genitals are made of exactly the same parts, just organized in different ways...

(fetal diagrams of genitalia development similar to this one shown)



...Every body's genitals are the same until six weeks into gestation, when the universal genital hardware begins to organize itself into either the female configuration or the male configuration.
 

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Get rid of him, and be thankful you don't have children.
And it doesn't sound like this is going to be a problem, but whatever you do, don't get pregnant!
 

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Okay, but these two are significantly beyond six weeks into their gestations...lol.. And what about their differing hormone profiles, brain wiring, socialization, etc., etc.?
Well...

Take two identical twins for example. They are actually made up of all the SAME parts put together in the SAME way. Hypothetically lets assume one is extremely sexual with very active libido while the other is very frigid with no libido. Both are physically healthy and happen to have the exact same levels of hormones, upbringing, and social circles.

The ONLY thing that sets the two apart was competition early in life for the same mate. One had excessive sexual access to a mate, while the other had no companionship during a critical development period for sexual self confidence.

Then they swap later in life and this desired mate goes on to marry the other twin. How do you now help the one with the low libido as well as this mate that was used to getting much better sex? Assume they will have to stay married and exclusive. Do you force him to have more sex and compare him to his twin brother? Or do you love and accept him for who he is and share with him your own happiness and desires from within so that he can eventually respond to this love and acceptance all on his own?

Badsanta
 
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