[alotbsol73]

After searching the internet for information, I am suprised to see how lack of sex in marriage is such an issue for so many people and I am glad to see that I am not the only one. Now just need to find someone to talk to.

We have been married for 12.5 years - I think the problem started after our daughter was born nearly seven years ago. Hubby just completely lost interest in sex. The first year after she was born we didn't have sex once and for a couple of years after that if we had sex twice a year then I was lucky. I spoke to him many times about it asking if he wanted to see a therapist or if there was something else we could do.

The last two years have really become frustrating for me as I have realised that I don't want to spend the rest of my life in a sexless marriage. I am not asking for sex every day - I will be happy with a few times a month but the few times we have had sex in the last two years I have been the one initiating it. I am really frustrated and this is now turning into resentment at everything he does. When I do talk to him about it, he just tells me that our lack of sex life bothers him aswell but it just doesn't seem like he wants to do anything about it.

To make things worse, we have recently moved to his home country where he works six days a week and english is not widely spoken. So to find the time to see an english speaking therapist would be near impossible. Plus there are visa issues so I can't pack my bags and go back home as I would be leaving my daughter behind.

It is not just the six days a week working that is tiring him out. His job is significantly quieter the last few months and he comes home much earlier than usual. But because of him working six days a week, we don't go out as a couple - the last time we went out alone was in July. I feel guilty asking him to spend time with me when he works and he still wants to spend time with our daughter. How do I find the balance - and why should I sit back and wait for him to fix it. We had the house to ourselves for about three hours the other day and I suggested some uninteruppted fun in the bedroom but he just looked at me like I was a weirdo.

I bring up the "sex conversation" (as I call it) every 4 months or so for the last two years and I have said to him on many occassions it is lke we are room-mates living together instead of husband and wife. And since I am the one always bringing up the sex issue, I feel like I am nagging him which is certainly something I don't want to do. Please help, I feel like I am trapped........

 

[Carolynann1000]

I so commiserate with you and I would be looking for answers. Like is he seeing someone else, or, maybe he is having difficulties with erection, or, does he masturbate himself? I think you need to know why and what happened to turn him off. I understand he won't talk about it but is he still loving towards you? I also feel that when you want to talk about sex he clams up and probably gets suspicious of being probed.

 

[kingsfan]

First obvious question, have you ruled out an affair?

 

[WorkingOnMe]

Do you have any clues at all as to what it could be? How much do you weigh? Could he have low testosterone? How old are you both? Does he have a porn habit?

 

[alotbsol73]

I am 39 and he is 38, none of us is overweight, no chance of an affair or porn and no, I don't think he is gay. The last few days I have had no affection from him, (makes me think of someone else's post in the forum "my wife gives the dog chicken but not me" but in my case, my husband is giving the dog more affection than me hahaha) but I am too afraid to ask him what is wrong in case I come across as nagging- I did ask him if he was feeling ok but he said he was fine. He has never said that I nag him - it's just me that feels that way because I am always addressing the same problems in our relationship.

There has been no spontaniety in our sexual relationship - the few times it is always in bed, - I want him to come home from work and just rip my clothes off (how's that for a boring fantasy but at this point anything will do)

I have to admit though the last few months I have stopped making an effort with sexy clothes / underwear etc. I feel that if he doesn't notice, what's the point?

I never thought of low testorone. Maybe I should try to convince him to see a doctor for a check up - but how do I approach that? Even while writing this, i can see that we clearly have communication problems.

 

[kingsfan]

Then you need to address those communication issues first. If you can't even talk about sex (or other matters) it's hard to actually solve the problem. Maybe try communicating about why you can't communicate.

Since you are in another country, I have to ask if you and your husband share the same ethnicity. If not, is there a chance that there could be some sort of cultural issue affecting your sex life?

 

[WorkingOnMe]

Testosterone is tricky. Most doctors don't want to tell you the actual numerical figure. The range for "normal" is huge. Normal is supposedly something like 250 to 1100 ng/dL. But optimal levels are more like in the 600-800 range. So if he is tested, he has to be a bit confrontational. He may have 251 and the doc will label him "normal" but that's actually very low for a man his age.

 

[appletree]

We have been through the same thing and things are FAR better now. But with the help of an experienced therapist. You need really an excellent one. Sexual problems are part of othere problems and have lots to do with childhood issues. I think think the problems are difficult and do not think that online consultation would help.
How fluent are you in the language (I don't know which)?
As it is your husband who does not want to have sex it might be sufficient if he makes a therapy, but you cannot push someone into a therapy, maybe he would feel like a loser.
You could read intimacy and desire by Schnarch and discuss the book together. This would maybe open your husband up to a therapy. You might start mindfulness meditaion and go on with life sarch friends outside your marriage. Overall it is very crucicial that you are fluent in the language or you will be very dependant on your husband which is not very inviting for sex.
Sexy underwear can be great but can as well seen as a form of pressure and if your husband feels pressure he wants less.
I think for men it is really important that they can "perform" if they can' that is bad for their self esteem which is bad for their ability to perform.
I personally do believe that hormone levels might be influenced by psychological factors too.
The whole thing could have something to do with the fact that you are living closer to his family that might help to hinder him of having sex, thinking on ones mom isn't really sexy.