[kacy]

I have been married for nearly a year now. My husband and I have been having problems over various issues. I think I am too dependent on him. I moved states to come to him and I have no family or friends here. Anyways, yesterday something happened that made me really sad. He went out with his friends to a football game for his birthday. They tailgated first which meant drinking. That evening however I had planned and told him for several days now that I had booked a dinner for us as a present to him for his birthday and it was at a very expensive classy place. I had repeatedly asked him not to drink too much cause he would have had to come home and get ready again to go out and I was very excited about it. I was sick and waiting for him all day. He promised me he wouldn't and low and behold he comes home as drunk as he could be, knowing very well what I had asked him. I couldn't go to the game cause I was sick and I was home alone waiting all day for this special evening. He knew I was very excited and had spent a lot of time and effort planning it for HIM. I feel like it shows a tendency for a lack of love, fear and respect for me... I mean he knew it would hurt me. When I had texted him around noon saying 'I hope you are having fun. I wish I was there. Are you enjoying the barbecue? I love you.' He texts me back saying.. 'wish you were here too'. Nothing else..no I love you, or Yes I'm having fun, how are you feeling now?..nothing. Then six hours later he comes home soo drunk. He said he could sober up and he wasnt that drunk just tipsy. I just feel like he doesnt really care for me. He is showing he isnt dependable and immature. I canceled the dinner. i didnt want to go to dinner with him so tired and drunk even if he did sober up a little in the one hour and half or so that we had before dinner time. He said he could sober up and he wasnt that drunk just tipsy. He just went to sleep after that. He probably thanked me inside cause he got to sleep the alcohol off... Who knows if he was even excited about the dinner like I was. Otherwise why would be carelessly get so drunk. Do you think I am overreacting?? I sometimes feel like I need to relax and chill but then again he is no longer in college and he was so drunk he could hardly walk properly and he drove his car. Isnt that so dangerous? Do people still do this? He is in his late 20s now. Isnt he showing me lack of love and respect? Please someone reply back. Thank you.

 

[VeggieMom]

I am SO sorry this happened to you. It sounds awful and heartbreaking. I'm sorry he didn't appreciate your efforts to make his day special. It sounds like he has not grown up yet. You were willing to compromise and let him have a day with his buddies and you wanted the night time with him.

Are you going to talk to him about this? How are you going to approach it?

As far as the drunk driving goes, I know it sounds awful, but you may need to report him to the police if he does it again or is about to that you know of. We just had a really bad accident in my area where a drunk driver hit a dad and kid in their car, and the kid died. That could be your H, and you would be impacted by that in so many ways-- financially and otherwise.

Are you working right now? If you don't have little ones to take care of you might consider getting a part time job just to get out of the house and make friends. And have a little independence and some extra spending money too. If you do have little ones, maybe get a part time job in the evenings, or volunteer or join a church committee or women's study group or something.

Before when I was a SAHM I became increasingly isolated from friends and outside people, and my entire self-worth was based on how he treated me (besides my self worth as a good mom which I knew I was). One of the best things I did was take a couple of night classes at a community college. I made friends felt super smart with my good grades, and focused on something other than kids/husband.

I feel for you . . . and good luck dealing with this. Hopefully this was a one time juvenile act on his part, but if you posted her it sounds like it's something that may be a repeating pattern or just part of a bigger problem.

 

[kacy]

He came to me and apologised for his actions.I basically told him he was showing me lack of love and respect and all he did was say Im sorry. I have to forgive him what can I do. I told him I dont want this happenening again. I dont know. I just feel like if he loved me then why would he even do this in the first place? And when I text him a long msg saying I love you, why would be just brush me off and say a short line and nothing else, not even how are you feeling today when I was sick? This isnt the first time he has dissapointed me, in the past he lied to me and went behind my back and got a lapdance for his bachelor party. I was dead against him going to a strip club cause I am not comfortable with all that. I was very immature about it though and haddled it wrong by crying and pleading for him to not go and I guess I didnt seem so serious. He told me he had initially told his friends not to take him to strip club but as the night progressed they started getting restless and he relented being selfish himself as his last night and wanted to have a traditional bachelor party. I understand this but he lied to me and I had to find out myself and when I confronted him he said sorry and that all that happened was he went to a strip club but then later on when I bullied him more and more for months bringing it up and being rather nagging he then admitted that he got a lapdance too. I was lied to twice! I know i have my faults, I am too dependent on him, possessive, insecure and I don't have a job yet or drive..(Im getting my liscence soon)... Im searching for a job right now and doing a part time internship but its only been 6 months since I started looking and been 1 year since we got married and I moved here.

I guess I should just let things go but little things with his actions show me that he doesnt really LOVE LOVE me or CARE for me sooo much to not dissapoint me or disregard my feelings and do what he wants. I mean when your wife is sick and home, and she texts you dont you text her back a long msg saying Yes im having fun, were doing this and this right now, i love you too and are you feeling better...??? Am I crazy. Am I too much, too demanding? Btw what is a SAHM? Thanks!

 

[VeggieMom]

It sounds like he lets his friends talk him into things and he's not strong enough to tell them no.

It also sounds like he is of the mindset that if it doesn't seem that big a deal to him, it shouldn't be that big a deal to you. Which is a lack of respect and a lack of maturity on his part.

Sit down with him and maybe even write out a list of what you expect of him, what your boundaries are. And then compromise on other things so he can see you are not being unreasonable. If he thinks you disapprove of everything he likes to do (in his eyes) he may continue to lie to you.

 

[moxy]

Kacy, his behavior shows immense immaturity and lack of consideration. Additionally, you're extra sensitive to it because you don't have much of your own separate thing going on yet and are still a little dependent on him. It's still early in your marriage. I think you two should go to marriage counseling and see if you can straighten things out before they get worse. I also think you need to make some good friends and get involved in things that make you happy so you're not as reliant on him or your role as a wife to give you fulfillment. Good luck to you!

 

[tryingtobebetter]

Kacy

You have had some good advice already. Your husband does sound immature. One point which does seem to be particularly troubling you is that he only sent you a short message. Can I just say, as a man, that a lot of us are often quite short in what we say/write. It is just the way we are. When we communicate with other men this causes no upset as we expect everyone to be curt. So I suggest that on that particular point you might not want to take it personally.

Someone did some research which suggested that women utter twice as many words in a day on average as do men. There's no right or wrong about that. It is just the way we humans are.

 

[Openminded]

Yes, he totally disregarded your feelings. Yes, you are too dependent on him.

He is not an ultra-sensitive person apparently. I doubt many men are. It would be helpful for you to do some reading about the differences between men and women. They are not like us. We are not like them. It's better to come to terms with that now. Saves a lot of grief along the way.

ETA: And, yes, he should not have been driving drunk. If I were you, I would be more concerned about that than anything else.

 

[SimplyAmorous]

Yes, he totally disregarded your feelings. Yes, you are too dependent on him.

He is not an ultra-sensitive person apparently. I doubt many men are. It would be helpful for you to do some reading about the differences between men and women. They are not like us. We are not like them. It's better to come to terms with that now. Saves a lot of grief along the way.

A man doesn't have to Mr Sensitive to realize what he did here would cause some grief to his wife... a little common sense would do....

Yes, there are surely differences in the sexes ...but getting plastered, driving home drunk - knowing his wife had high hopes for a planned outing in his honor... yeah... he might as well have dumped ice cold water on her head while he was at it.

The text - typical for men... The actions here ... he owes you an apology for his carelessness and disregard to his promise to you (though you didn't say that?)...though going somewhere like that with his buddies, that's too much temptation ...it just wasn't a good idea -given the timing of your plans.

If this sort of behavior has been his lifestyle for years on end...he may not feel the gravity of how this hurts another....like what's the big deal...but he's married now, it's not all just about him and his excitement...

Could always plan another Dinner....and learn from this.. have a heart to heart... hopefully he will see the error of his ways on this one.

 

[northernlights]

Don't have kids with this guy yet either. The last thing you'll want is to be home with a sick baby while he's out drinking with his buddies. Many a marriage has ended by this formula, and it's terribly unfair to the kids. Double up your birth control!

 

[Blonde]

What can you do to develop your own support system of friends and surrogate family?

Perhaps Al-Anon would be an appropriate place to start as your husband's behavior sounds like "problem drinking".

 

[kacy]

well to develop a support system I will first need to drive and get a job. then i will need to find friends such as through my hobbies and maybe work and meetup groups i guess. thats my best bet

as of now, we are doing the silent treatment to each other. first he really apologized and said sorry bla bla then I said some things to him about him being immature, disrespectful and inconsiderate. He expects me to just accept his one apology and move on like nothing happened. I mean because i am dependent on him i feel like he doesnt really value me as much as he should and isnt very fearful of dissapointing me. he isnt being careful enough to not drink. So i went further and said that he is immensely immature most of the time (he wasn't very happy about the immesely and all the time part - he thinks he isnt other than this one instant) and he also wants happy about some others things I said like I think he is a bad drunk and when he gets drunk he looks foolish and stupid and he acts like a hooligan and his is too wild (he thinks its okay to drink a lot once in a while and that he isnt hooligan like, hes just having fun and he doesnt drink often). Which to a certain extent is true he doesnt drink ALL the weekends but when he does decide to have fun and drink he drinks too much and is generally very alcohol interested but then again many young folks are so its hard for me to pinpoint and blame him. Anyways I went on a rant and said all these things to him and he started giving me the silent treatment and I did the same to him. Now we are in a rut cause no one person wants to speak first. I mean I am NOT going to talk to him when he is the one that showed me such
lack of respect and did what he wanted. HE HAS A LIFE HERE. HE GOES TO WORK AND THEN GOES TO THE GYM AND THEN COMES HOME AND GOES TO HIS ROOM. I HAVE TO STAY HOME ALL DAY IN THIS HEAT AND APPLY TO JOBS. I mean fourth of july is coming up and he is prob gonna have plans and we arnt talking so I'll prob end of staying home. he isnt dumb enough to leave me, i know he will ask if i want to go with him places and i will inside but i will say no outside cause im not gonna go enjoy having fun with his stupid friends ad him. I dont like his friends. they are all single and stupid and most dont have good jobs or a mature attitude to life. he is the first guys getting married in his best buddies batch. What he doesnt see is that his so called best buddies dont always have his best interest like being inconsiderate towards the fact that married people are less like single ppl and that friends that care dont let their drunk friends DRIVE.

sorry for the rant

 

[kacy]

Should i cave in and start talking to him first?? so confused....

 

[Blonde]

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
​

You can't change your H.

I would not do well trapped at home like that.

How far do you live from civilization? Any public transportation? Are you walking distance from anything? Can you get a cheap beater car for you?

 

[Blonde]

Should i cave in and start talking to him first?? so confused....

He's out having a life and probably doesn't even notice the quiet at home. You are the one suffering, so yeah, if I was you, I'd break that ice.

 

[Hicks]

Should i cave in and start talking to him first?? so confused....

Yeah, start by asking him what kind of football game takes place on a Thursday in the summer.

 

[Thound]

Maybe he thought since you were too sick to go to the game, you were too sick to go out for dinner.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[kacy]

No we had specifically planned for him to go out have fun and then come home and refresh and get ready for a dinner out to a very expensive fancy restaurant. it was my treat as it was his birthday.

so there is no way he thought i was too sick cause we made plans together.

you know more and more that i think of it. i am in this rut where i have fear he will go out and have fun with his friends without me when we fight and maybe flirt with girls etc but i need to stop trying to control him. one of the things i have put a foot down to is not leaving the house when we are in a fight. i absolutely cannot stand that because i think deep down i am fearful of being alone.

its time i learn to let him go. i think if he picks up his keys and goes out i will let him. i dont grab it and hide it anymore. i will also stop letting him make all the plans for weekends. maybe one night i will take the bus and go to a bar and mingle with strangers and come home when i want. maybe i need to STOP thinking about him all the time and needing his affection and act like i am living single. and start caring about ME ME ME and less US US US.

thanks everyone for your wise words and advice. it really helps me to get your opinions.

 

[kacy]

my sister told me that he is not in love with me if he can do something like this. getting drunk and blatantly being so careless about my feelings and how i would react to him doing this. not being careful enough to not get too drunk in the first place shows a lack of caring about my feelings and not giving me importance. on top of that just cause we got into a fight he has stopped talking to me for two days when he should be the one trying to gain my forgiveness. she said it really shows signs of him not really caring about me and being very selfish. i dont really want to be with a man who doesnt value and love me. i feel like he just isnt the one for me sometimes. do you guys think his behavior shows this too. is this something serious or something small that should be forgiven quickly?

 

[NotEZ]

Yeah, start by asking him what kind of football game takes place on a Thursday in the summer.

If it was really a "football" game (not soccer), I'm guessing she lives in Canada, probably Winnipeg, where the CFL kicked off their season this past thursday with Montreal at Winnipeg.