The AD's often reduce/kill a woman's sex drive.
There are different levels of desire:
1. the usual - you start out wanting to
2. responsive - you start out in neutral but relax and he gets you in the mood and it ends up being really fun for you
3. not very responsive but not bad - you don't get super turned on - but enough that it feels "nice"
4. you don't get turned on at all and it feels bad
If you are (2), and he is treating you like you are (1), then a few things are happening:
- He is going to fast, he is french kissing you before you feel any desire - which might not be so fun - touching you in directly sexual ways before you are ready - also not fun.
- This makes the beginning part feel bad to you - and then it eventually gets better
If you are (3), and he is going to fast, same deal as 2, but worse.
If you are at (4), it is time to start thinking about some alternatives. The most minimal is you giving him a really good HJ - with some lubricant this can be a very good experience for him
- if you are ok with bjs when not turned on - he will like that as well
AND AND AND - you need to teach him a bunch of non-sexual affection that you like. Hugs, massages, whatever. The physical side of your marriage needs to be 2 way even if what you receive isn't explicitly sexual.
It is also ok - if you are in (3-4) mode, to give him a schedule. Be nice about the schedule. This is a man who is working hard to support you and 3 kids. If you dislike even giving him a good HJ, something is pretty badly broken and you need to tell him what that is. Meaning - if you need him to come to bed cleaner/teeth brushed better/whatever - TELL him.
Straight talk is ok.
Babe - I love you - The AD's have killed my desire. I know this is making you unhappy. I want to try a new routine:
- X times a week we will do this
- I do need you to shower/.../... before bed though
AND, on the same nights, or alternating nights I would like you to rub my back, feet, ....
If you do not make this effort, you may gradually end up in a place that you do not like. If you do make this effort, you can hold your head high that you are being a good and committed wife.
Do NOT pretend to feel desire you don't have. That is bad for you and bad for him. And don't let him lay a big guilt trip on you for not feeling lust.
But don't sit back and do the "I am tired" thing. Many women have to work full time and their H's still demand a fair amount of sex or are very difficult to be around or cheat. Not saying that is right. Just saying you should be aware that to other women, your hardworking, committed H, would be a catch.
This can work. He needs to accept your lack of desire. And you need to accept that he has a LOT of desire and a lack of sex is making him tense and feel unloved.
I am in year 23 of a great marriage. I love my W. She has always gone the extra mile for me in bed - despite menopause doing to her what your AD's are doing to you.
Which is a big reason why I turn down the offers I get from other women....
I have a great husband, we have almost been married 10 yrs and have 3 kids 8yrs,5yrs,3yrs.
We never have any time alone so I know that doesnt help. Hubby works hard, I pretty much do everything for the kids and the housework. I realize I resent him sometimes because he is a bit lazy when it comes to helping with the kids. I feel he is grumpy often because the lack of intimacy.
I might add that I am on anti depressants which may affect libido.
The problem is me, I have lost the need/want to be intimate. Do you think this means you are no longer attracted to your partner. What would you do ?
Please no nasty replies, I'm new here