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Discussion Starter #1
If you are married and are both the biological parents of your kids, does it affect your sex life?

It seems to me that everything in life has an effect on my wife’s sexual desire

I feel like it’s because we have kids together and we are married, we have properties, financial bonding, family pressure etc.
She knows I can’t just walk away from our relationship, therefore she doesn’t have to put any effort into keeping me happy and having an interesting sex life

She used to be very sexual, imaginative, experimental, open and at times very naughty
Then came kids and it’s like that part of her brain got shutdown literately at child birth
All the attention, admiration, affection, desire, romance, pretty much went with it.
The only thing that stayed is that she occasionally says I love you.

After kids it’s like there is never a good time or there is always an excuse to not to make love, have sex rather than to do it.
Any reason will do, you just think of one and she will have used it at some point
The biggest thing by a long way though, is kids. Now 8 and 5 years old
The kids and everything surrounding them are auto turn off for her
I try and take the load off her and create a situation where there really wouldn’t be a reason not to but she will always dig something up, even at the last minute, which is infuriating.
I have to creep around on eggshells to keep her happy. The slightest upset could switch her off and all the work I put in is lost.
Even then, if she can’t find a reason she will just bail out with the excuse she’s not in the mood.

It’s like she uses the fact that we made these kids together so if they cause a problem that affects our relationship then that’s just tough nuts because you are part of the cause

Of course if you used your kids as an excuse to neglect important things to your partner, in a relationship where your partner was not a biological parent, then that would simply not fly!

She knows I’m sexual, and what we used to have, I have been trying for over 5 years now to get back to where we were but she is just not interested

She likes sex as long as it’s totally on her terms, which is, very basic, quick, occasional, un planned and only when she is in the mood, which is not very often

Needless to say that’s not enough for me

I have tried to be a modern supportive husband I take my fair share of looking after the kids and house etc,
I take an interest in things she is interested in even if I don’t really enjoy it
I have impeccable personal hygiene, keep myself in good shape, I’m devoted, loving and charming. I know this because I can pull in the attention of another woman without much effort.
So, I’m sure it’s not because I have deteriorated with age (nearly 40), if anything I have got better!
She on the other hand has not faired so well, lack of exercise, excessive eating drinking and smoking have all played their part.

We have been for counselling, tried to talk about it in a civil way and had blazing rows
We have separated and come back together

In the end it comes down to her saying
“You are prepared to leave your wife, family, and everything we have built together because the sex is not very good in your view”

Well after all this time, basically yes, that and the romance and being in love.
I’m so miserable that it all means nothing
I am fortunate enough to live in a society that supports fathers rights so if we separate I will get 50% custody of our kids, so I’m not even afraid of loosing them.
The rest of the stuff is material and the fact I will probably have to deal with a bitter ***** of an ex.

The point is
I see other couples who have spilt from their child bearing relationships and they seem really happy in their new relationships

So, another of my questions is

Is it because they make an effort for one another because they have no obligation to each other?
They are together because they want to be and not because of their history and commitments.

Each one has made the break before so it would be no sweat to do it again. Therefore if you want to keep your new loved one you are gonna have to work for it
Also the responsibility of your kids is all yours, you can’t argue with your partner over how to bring them up and you can’t use them as an excuse to stop giving attention to your partner.

Do these dynamics apply in reality?
Does anyone have any experience of this?
Is a poor sex life, a lack of romance and a burned out fire enough to justify a divorce?

Thanks for reading

TG
 

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Yes a poor sex life is enough to justify divorce. Once you've tried everything else to fix it.

I have 3 kids from my first husband. We split when the youngest was 4 months. By that time we hardly ever had sex because I just didn't like him any more. His solution was to go elsewhere for sex. I had checked out and just didn't want to be with him any more, but at least I divorced him (well, almost) before I had sex with someone else.

That someone else is my current hubby. We are together because we WANT to be. The kids are grown and pretty much gone, so if we didn't like each other now, what the hell would we do? We've had some REALLY rough spots, but sex has been great from the get go. It waned during the bad spell in our marriage, but we still had it at least every 2-3 weeks, even at our lowest. I never used the kids as an excuse to not want sex, because I DID want sex. I DID use the kids as an excuse with my first husband, because I didn't WANT to have sex with him.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
Thanks for your reply Hope,

I really wish my wife would just come clean about her feelings if she felt the same as you did

I could handle that no problem, I understand that hormones etc play a part and I have read on other forums that its not uncommon for women to "go off" their guys after kids
I even told her that ...

But the problem is she says she still loves me and is still attracted to me and does want sex with me.
(I guess she has a funny way of showing it)

She say that things will be better when the kids are older
and I'm thinking, well they are already 5 and 8 ! How old do they have to be?

She just says that couples in our position don't have much sex and that’s the way it is

I know different as I'm sure we all do

But anyway, it was interesting to read that you used the kids as an excuse in your original relationship and not in your 2nd...thanks for your honesty

I suspect my wife is doing and would be same as you….

I can’t help but feel like she is just hanging onto me because she can’t be bothered with doing anything else right now or herself esteem has dropped because of what she has done to herself that if I left she would be alone and no one else would want her… I guess that sounds really mean of me. But regadless of how she has changed I am still attracted to her, I guess that’s one of the things that keeps me hanging on…

Many thanks

TG
 

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I think it's very common, and unfortunately my experience ended in divorce so what do I know. But you need to fight for your marriage. Tell her that you are considering divorce if things don't improve. Be honest with her. She deserves to know. And if you do divorce, hopefully you find someone with views closer to your own. Who already has kids :)
 

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Waiting for the kids to be older is just an excuse. Read these boards. Lots of people in sexless or near sexless marriages. Maybe you will find some solutions.

One thing & I mean no disrespect...you really talk down your wife while really talking yourself up. Does she think you have any faults (that may be contributing to your sex life or lack thereof)?
 

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What other people do is irrelevant to your situation, isn't it?

Sexual problems often reflect other things that are happening in a relationship. Withholding sex can be emotionally abusive. If she says you're willing to throw it all away because of sex, you can explain that the situation you're in qualifies as abusive toward you and that the reason you'd leave is because you deserve to be treated without abuse.

Here's an article I wrote about when people withhold sex. It contains some suggestions you may find helpful, or you can share the article with her to show why it's so important to you.

Withholding Sex & What to Do About It
 

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Discussion Starter #7
thanks every one for posting so far

i'm really begining to find some inspiration!


One thing & I mean no disrespect...you really talk down your wife while really talking yourself up. Does she think you have any faults (that may be contributing to your sex life or lack thereof)?
Indeed you are right emerald, I big up myself. I am confident.
I try to stay grounded and not to loose sight of myself

I do talk down about her now, but I know that it's because of the fame of mind I'm in.
I'm so sick of trying and getting no where

I do the best I can to treat my wife like a princess
I try and think about how I can make her feel cherished, valued and validated

The only place I falter is asking her to think about breaking her destructive cycles. which unfortunatly is her biggest sore spot
I don't know what else to do though. If I say nothing they get worse (because they are destructive cycles) If I say some thing then I'm the devil

Its a loose loose

but what can I do?

I can't help but feel if she were to break the cycles she would feel much better about herself and I would hope in turn she would feel better about me

Progress is very slow though and I'm not getting any younger!

To be fair she is working on it, she has managed to stop smoking which is a start I guess. So thats one less contribution to a slow, miserable, painful death!
 
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