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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I have tried this before like many other things is does not help?
Do you think it is a bad idea to keep a chart or a calendar in the bedroom.My wife has always felt that things are not as bad as I think they are? What a shame it is .Do I give her a star on the wall for sex? I think most of us know how many times we have had sex in month? But its easy to forget about six months ago.Maybe I an trying to make her accountable?Never thought it would come to this?But she tells me I don't have it so bad. BS.Plus maybe I can use it court for evidence and the male judge would lock her up?
 

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so what exactly is your issue you are trying to figure out? Does your wife not want to have sex with you and you want her to and you are trying to figure out how to get her to more? IF so, perhaps looking into your approach- how you touch her- maybe you need to give her a massage, make her feel safe and loved- talk to her kindly- and she will soften up? You deserve to have sex so you are right to be trying to figure it out. How often do you have sex and how often do you wish you were? Why do you think she doesn't want to?
 

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LOL.. male judge would lock her up???? LOL

How often do you two have sex? How often do you want to have sex?

How many hours a week do the two of you spend doing things together?
 

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Some people think keeping score is good,some do it for health reasons.Personally,I don't like it and would never do it.Then again,I'm not in a sex deprived relationship so there is no need.

I agree with what Naomi is saying in her post.
 

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I downloaded a female calendar app for my iPad and it allows you to track all sorts of info, but I use it mainly for tracking when we have sex vs when we masturbate each other. After our talk the frequency went from 2 times a month to 3 times the first week, then once a week ever since. But the wife claims we practally do it every day. She asked me if I was keeping track and I danced around the question.
 

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Why not keep track but don't tell her. It's just good to have evidence when she says one number and you have proof that it is different.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
so what exactly is your issue you are trying to figure out? Does your wife not want to have sex with you and you want her to and you are trying to figure out how to get her to more? IF so, perhaps looking into your approach- how you touch her- maybe you need to give her a massage, make her feel safe and loved- talk to her kindly- and she will soften up? You deserve to have sex so you are right to be trying to figure it out. How often do you have sex and how often do you wish you were? Why do you think she doesn't want to?
Well, Some of us have strange marriage's ? I am married 30 yrs.To a very LD women.Who will tell you,She adore's me.I am her everything.But she does not require sex,She does not think about it.Its never on her mind.And she could be A-sexual.Six weeks ago I had a melt down and said no more pity sex,Duty sex,I said I want you to keep that.So in six weeks I have not asked for sex or mention it.And she appears to be fine with it.She is one of those that says I am sorry I have been busy at work.I will be better later? this year we had sex about 1-3. Some times I go for 3-4 weeks no sex.Two times this year she has had one of these mental break downs where she saids I can't take it anymore.You always want sex.Stop it Stop it.She totally fraks out. So I stop asking for it. And She is happy. So please don't say to give her a massage,Or be good to her.Or Cuddle more with her. I am a smart man and know how to do it.And it does not work.She is a human being that does not require sex to fulfill her life.This does not make her a bad person.She is wonderful.Beautiful,Fun to be around,But she does not need a D**K to keep her happy.
 

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I used to keep track, but never did anything with the info. My issue was reversed, though. My husband thought we hardly ever had sex, and I kept track for 43 days and counted 17 times we did something - oral sex, PIV, masturbate each other. So that came out to something every 2-3 days. I did it for myself so that I knew what the truth was.

I'm sorry to read that it seems like you've tried everything but nothing seems to work.
 

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Well, Some of us have strange marriage's ? I am married 30 yrs.To a very LD women.Who will tell you,She adore's me.I am her everything.But she does not require sex,She does not think about it.Its never on her mind.And she could be A-sexual.Six weeks ago I had a melt down and said no more pity sex,Duty sex,I said I want you to keep that.So in six weeks I have not asked for sex or mention it.And she appears to be fine with it.She is one of those that says I am sorry I have been busy at work.I will be better later? this year we had sex about 1-3. Some times I go for 3-4 weeks no sex.Two times this year she has had one of these mental break downs where she saids I can't take it anymore.You always want sex.Stop it Stop it.She totally fraks out. So I stop asking for it. And She is happy. So please don't say to give her a massage,Or be good to her.Or Cuddle more with her. I am a smart man and know how to do it.And it does not work.She is a human being that does not require sex to fulfill her life.This does not make her a bad person.She is wonderful.Beautiful,Fun to be around,But she does not need a D**K to keep her happy.
well then you need to decide if this is a deal breaker for you!

and theres nothing wrong with you if you decide that it is .
 

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She asked me if I was keeping track and I danced around the question.
Why? Tell her the truth, what's she going to do, cut you off?

Well, Some of us have strange marriage's ? I am married 30 yrs.To a very LD women.Who will tell you,She adore's me.I am her everything.But she does not require sex,She does not think about it.Its never on her mind.And she could be A-sexual.Six weeks ago I had a melt down and said no more pity sex,Duty sex,I said I want you to keep that.So in six weeks I have not asked for sex or mention it.And she appears to be fine with it.She is one of those that says I am sorry I have been busy at work.I will be better later? this year we had sex about 1-3. Some times I go for 3-4 weeks no sex.Two times this year she has had one of these mental break downs where she saids I can't take it anymore.You always want sex.Stop it Stop it.She totally fraks out. So I stop asking for it. And She is happy. So please don't say to give her a massage,Or be good to her.Or Cuddle more with her. I am a smart man and know how to do it.And it does not work.She is a human being that does not require sex to fulfill her life.This does not make her a bad person.She is wonderful.Beautiful,Fun to be around,But she does not need a D**K to keep her happy.
Are you? You know you are in a relationship with a wife who you wonder if she's asexual, then tell her you don't want any duty sex/chore sex and expect her to not be happy with this?

Plus you think a male judge would lock her up?

Either **** or get off the pot. Tell her sex is a need in a marriage for you and that if she can't work with you on it, then that's fine but you'll be leaving to look for that need to fulfilled elsewhere. Either that or just lie back, accept your sexless situation and deal with it. There's only two options, especially for someone whose set a 30 year precident.
 
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Well, Some of us have strange marriage's ? I am married 30 yrs.To a very LD women.Who will tell you,She adore's me.I am her everything.But she does not require sex,She does not think about it.Its never on her mind.And she could be A-sexual.Six weeks ago I had a melt down and said no more pity sex,Duty sex,I said I want you to keep that.So in six weeks I have not asked for sex or mention it.And she appears to be fine with it.She is one of those that says I am sorry I have been busy at work.I will be better later? this year we had sex about 1-3. Some times I go for 3-4 weeks no sex.Two times this year she has had one of these mental break downs where she saids I can't take it anymore.You always want sex.Stop it Stop it.She totally fraks out. So I stop asking for it. And She is happy. So please don't say to give her a massage,Or be good to her.Or Cuddle more with her. I am a smart man and know how to do it.And it does not work.She is a human being that does not require sex to fulfill her life.This does not make her a bad person.She is wonderful.Beautiful,Fun to be around,But she does not need a D**K to keep her happy.
So you want to keep track of what a miserable sex life you have? Something you can look at and remind yourself every day?

My therapist suggested I keep track of when my wife and I had sex because, like your wife, mine had a perception that was not reality (she thought we were having sex every week when it was actually every three weeks).

When we went to marriage counseling, the counselor thought it was a good idea but my wife thought it was horrible so your wife may have the same reaction.

But the bigger issue is what to do about the lack of sex. For me, the first thing was to explain to my wife that I expected an intimate, fulfilling sexual component in the marriage, it was important to me, the marriage would not survive with out it and I would make sure I'm taking care of her needs so she will be happy to take care of mine.

Then I started asking for sex when I wanted it. That may be once per week, it may be 3 times during the week. If she wasn't interested, it forced her to say no. If she did, I'd ask the next day.

The point is that the number of times you have sex isn't important. It's whether your needs are being met. It's a feeling, not a number and when I have a feeling that my needs aren't being met, she knows there can be problems in the marriage.

So, you can count and chart and diagram if you want but you know in your heart whether or not your needs are being met.
 

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I think a sex calander is good, but only for your own reference to ensure you aren't wrong in your thinking. I wouldn't throw it in her face down the line. It's just a measure to see if what you think is accurate is true or not. Sometimes just knowing the facts can help you reason out a better angle to bring forward the discussion. Plus you might notice trends. I did a sex calander for my ex-wife for a few months and I learned certain trends so well that I could pinpoint to the day a month ahead when sex would be an option. Sad in hindsight, but it proved helpful at the time.

I would only do a calander for a few months though, as beyond that it'll just bum you out.

And I would also make it a private calander, not something hanging in your bedroom like some to do list. It's just for your information, so keep it private. If she did find out out about it, or even just ask you about it, be honest though. No lies, and if she can't handle the truth, so be it.
 
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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
I used to keep track, but never did anything with the info. My issue was reversed, though. My husband thought we hardly ever had sex, and I kept track for 43 days and counted 17 times we did something - oral sex, PIV, masturbate each other. So that came out to something every 2-3 days. I did it for myself so that I knew what the truth was.

I'm sorry to read that it seems like you've tried everything but nothing seems to work.
The one thing that I have realize about TAM is that all the female's that enjoy sex think that all you have to do is Cuddle with your wife.Show her you love her.Watch TV together,Take her on a date.Do the dishes.I just love it.But you are all sexual.I would love to hear from a LD female once with the solution to the problem of why they do not enjoy sex
 

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I would love to hear from a LD female once with the solution to the problem of why they do not enjoy sex
-she doesn't enjoy sex with you because you aren't doing it the way she likes it and she's too nice to tell you the truth

-she'd rather get her orgasms via masturbation behind your back and fake a headache or tiredness when it comes to having sex with you because it's easier to masturbate

-she doesn't feel sexy,has a low self esteem,and doesn't want to be naked and jiggling her fatty bits in front of anyone

-it's hormonal and she honestly has no idea why she doesn't want sex.

-sex is too invasive.you have to bare your body,open your legs,have someone poke you in the vagina until they cum and then you're messy,gooey,and out of sorts. Some women LOVE that...others,not so much.

The reasons can go on and on.
 

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Gaming, you're going to have to filter out a lot of projection. I already see the posturing has starting on this thread. I've been guilty of not understanding other posters on TAM regarding LD wife thread and after many pages finally understanding where they're coming from.


By "His needs / Her needs" and you both read it. Otherwise you and your wife will dig in to your positions and not communicate. This is one of the more hotly debated topics on TAM and it's always pissed off jaded people on both sides of the issue but it doesn't have to be that way.
 

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Gaming, you're going to have to filter out a lot of projection. I already see the posturing has starting on this thread. I've been guilty of not understanding other posters on TAM regarding LD wife thread and after many pages finally understanding where they're coming from.


By "His needs / Her needs" and you both read it. Otherwise you and your wife will dig in to your positions and not communicate. This is one of the more hotly debated topics on TAM and it's always pissed off jaded people on both sides of the issue but it doesn't have to be that way.
uh oh:( I hope I wasn't coming off as posturing or whatever. The things I posted were actual reasons my female friends have talked to me about,not meant to be a jerk to OP or anything.he wanted LD woman's perspective.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Chris you got it. Always good to see another pov. It really does not mater how many times in a month,But its how good it was.And theirs is no need to make evendence for someone who has failed to offer their hushand a balance sex life.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
uh oh:( I hope I wasn't coming off as posturing or whatever. The things I posted were actual reasons my female friends have talked to me about,not meant to be a jerk to OP or anything.he wanted LD woman's perspective.
Ya that's like saying you were holding it for a friend. Glad to hear your'e not like that,But your friends are?
 
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