Keep working on it - When is enough?

1401 Views 8 Replies 7 Participants Last post by charmbee, Dec 3, 2012

nicholascanada

Discussion Starter · Dec 1, 2012

So I have learned soooooo many great things from this site. It is truly amazing, the people here, simply amazing.

One of the things that has been mentioned to me a few times is that if you want things to change, you need to make the effort to change things. Its on you. To get what you want, you cant just say please do this more or less. If you are not getting what you want, then you need to change yourself to get that.

So with my relationship, my main issues have always been lack of sex life, lack of affection, and lack of interest in my life. I have worked on these main three a lot. But nothing has changed. Not one bit.

My question is then, at what point do you say enough is enough, life is too short, and move on to find someone else that will provide you with what you need? I feel frozen and so uncertain as what to do next with my marriage.

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DedicatedDad

· #2 · Dec 1, 2012

I think all of us as individuals have different tipping points. What one person can endure in a relationship might be the point of no return for another. In your situation, I'm alot like you. I don't even see the point of being in a relationship where there is a lack of sex, a lack of affection or a lack of interest in what I do. If I'm not getting what I want/need in a relationship and I have exhausted all avenues, such as talking to my mate, working on myself, counseling, etc... I think that's when I would have to sit down with my mate and explain to them that I can't live this. Like you said, "Life Is Too Short".

If you feel you've done everything you can to work on the issues that are important to you in a relationship and you see no return on your investment, then I think any rational human being would say, enough is enough, but that's just me.

Only YOU can decide when it's time to walk, because it's YOUR relationship. When is it time to say enough is enough? It's when YOU finally get sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Hope this helps

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SlowlyGettingWiser

· #3 · Dec 1, 2012

As DedicatedDad pointed out (and you KNOW), everyone's life and tolerances are different.

I would venture to say that MOST of the people here (and DEFINITELY the over-30 crowd) were in an unhappy situation for YEARS (often for DECADES) before they took the step to move on. Some felt guilty because of religious strictures, some were afraid of financial repercussions, some feared losing contact with small children. Many of us were unhappy and ANGRY for a LONG TIME.

Once I passed the ANGRY stage and nothing my STBXH did upset me (because I truly did NOT CARE anymore), you'd think I'd move on; but 'nope'. I STILL hung in there (out of fear, out of guilt, etc.). *I* only moved on when my STBXH became extremely verbally abusive to our minor child. I realized I had been feeling 'dead' inside for YEARS and it scared me! I didn't WANT to be wishing my life away (wishing another day, another week, another month had passed).

If YOU'RE not sure, I would suggest some QUIET contemplative time ALONE this weekend. Leave the house and go someplace YOU find calming (park, library, beach, forest, a sidewalk cafe, etc.) Bring paper/pencil and do some work.

1. What are the BEST things about your marriage? Are they enough to stay?

2. What are the WORST things about your marriage? Can they even be fixed? Would your spouse be willing to try?

3. If life was perfect, what would your life be like in 12 months? In 5 years? In 10 years? (Would your wife be in it? Your wife as she currently is...not an IDEALIZED version of your wife being 'perfect'.)

4. If you KNEW you would be dead in 8-12 months, what would you like to have filled the end of your life with?

5. If your best friend or son came to you with this same story, what would you advise him?

Spend at least 5-10 minutes envisioning your life as single again; walk around in your new life (in your head) and try it on for size.

Spend at least 5-10 minutes envisioning your life as it is for another 5-10 years; walk around in THIS life (in your head) and see how it feels.

Spend at least 5-10 minutes envisioning your life with your wife as you USED to be when you first got together; walk around in this new life for a while (in your head).

A few hours of introspection should help you decide your next step.
You could

require that your spouse attend marriage counseling with you
decide to file for divorce
decide to ride it out for a while for whatever reasons seem sound to you

Don't let ANYONE (even at TAM) tell you WHAT to do or even that YOU HAVE TO DO something. You can wait, you can ponder, you can consider.

As long as YOU understand the REASONS for your actions/inaction, and have a plan/idea/possible solution in YOUR MIND, then you will keep your own best interests in the forefront of your life.

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1333

· #4 · Dec 2, 2012

Really great advice here. I am in a very similar situation, have tried for a few years to get my husband interested in me. I take care of myself, have a life outside the home while keeping the house pleasant, and am always available, supportive and loving. At this point I am questioning it all... Because you're right. Life is too short. I'll probably give my marriage one last shot out of duty more than anything else by going to counseling... but if that doesn't work, I'm going to remember the advice here, leave, and never look back.

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nicholascanada

Discussion Starter · #5 · Dec 2, 2012

1333 said:
Really great advice here. I am in a very similar situation, have tried for a few years to get my husband interested in me. I take care of myself, have a life outside the home while keeping the house pleasant, and am always available, supportive and loving. At this point I am questioning it all... Because you're right. Life is too short. I'll probably give my marriage one last shot out of duty more than anything else by going to counseling... but if that doesn't work, I'm going to remember the advice here, leave, and never look back.

Yes AMAZING replies. Such great advice.

I think that is the difficult thing for me. Just how much effort to put in until you finally say enough. Hate to leave something and have regrets later, but i guess you have to make up your mind at some point. I am finding this "in limbo" time very hard, so i think i need to make up my mind either way and move fwd with that decision.

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Emerald

· #6 · Dec 2, 2012

nicholascanada said:
Yes AMAZING replies. Such great advice.

I think that is the difficult thing for me. Just how much effort to put in until you finally say enough. Hate to leave something and have regrets later, but i guess you have to make up your mind at some point. I am finding this "in limbo" time very hard, so i think i need to make up my mind either way and move fwd with that decision.

Make a list of all of your fears in regards to leaving your marriage.

Next to each fear write a solution/plan/goal.

Remember, it is okay to have regrets. People are fond of saying they have no regrets but I think most people have some.

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Prodigal

· #7 · Dec 2, 2012

nicholascanada said:
Hate to leave something and have regrets later, but i guess you have to make up your mind at some point.

Change is painful. We humans tend to stay put in a situation because, I believe, we are creatures of habit, to some degree.

Did I have second thoughts leaving my ex? Yeah, I did. At the time, I kept thinking I could have tried harder to make the marriage work, could have been more tolerant, been more understanding, etc.

But, in hindsight - which is always 20/20 - I realized I made the right choice. What kept me stuck in a rotten marriage was fear of being alone, fear of the unknown, and fear of what I could not control; namely, most of life.

I agree with Dedicated Dad - life is waaaayyyy too short.

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SlowlyGettingWiser

· #8 · Dec 2, 2012

I'm not sure I have any/many regrets BECAUSE I always try to keep in mind:

I did the best I could with the knowledge/tools I had available.
I never set out to make mistakes/sabotage my life.
When I *KNEW* better, I *DID* better.

Just as a baby learns to crawl before she walks, and walk before she runs, we are LEARNING to navigate our lives as best we can...one step at a time.

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charmbee

· #9 · Dec 3, 2012

SlowlyGettingWiser said:
As DedicatedDad pointed out (and you KNOW), everyone's life and tolerances are different.

I would venture to say that MOST of the people here (and DEFINITELY the over-30 crowd) were in an unhappy situation for YEARS (often for DECADES) before they took the step to move on. Some felt guilty because of religious strictures, some were afraid of financial repercussions, some feared losing contact with small children. Many of us were unhappy and ANGRY for a LONG TIME.

Once I passed the ANGRY stage and nothing my STBXH did upset me (because I truly did NOT CARE anymore), you'd think I'd move on; but 'nope'. I STILL hung in there (out of fear, out of guilt, etc.). *I* only moved on when my STBXH became extremely verbally abusive to our minor child. I realized I had been feeling 'dead' inside for YEARS and it scared me! I didn't WANT to be wishing my life away (wishing another day, another week, another month had passed).

If YOU'RE not sure, I would suggest some QUIET contemplative time ALONE this weekend. Leave the house and go someplace YOU find calming (park, library, beach, forest, a sidewalk cafe, etc.) Bring paper/pencil and do some work.

1. What are the BEST things about your marriage? Are they enough to stay?

2. What are the WORST things about your marriage? Can they even be fixed? Would your spouse be willing to try?

3. If life was perfect, what would your life be like in 12 months? In 5 years? In 10 years? (Would your wife be in it? Your wife as she currently is...not an IDEALIZED version of your wife being 'perfect'.)

4. If you KNEW you would be dead in 8-12 months, what would you like to have filled the end of your life with?

5. If your best friend or son came to you with this same story, what would you advise him?

Spend at least 5-10 minutes envisioning your life as single again; walk around in your new life (in your head) and try it on for size.

Spend at least 5-10 minutes envisioning your life as it is for another 5-10 years; walk around in THIS life (in your head) and see how it feels.

Spend at least 5-10 minutes envisioning your life with your wife as you USED to be when you first got together; walk around in this new life for a while (in your head).

A few hours of introspection should help you decide your next step.
You could

require that your spouse attend marriage counseling with you

decide to file for divorce

decide to ride it out for a while for whatever reasons seem sound to you

Don't let ANYONE (even at TAM) tell you WHAT to do or even that YOU HAVE TO DO something. You can wait, you can ponder, you can consider.

As long as YOU understand the REASONS for your actions/inaction, and have a plan/idea/possible solution in YOUR MIND, then you will keep your own best interests in the forefront of your life.

Amazing advice!

Save

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