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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
It seems like the battle is never over with lack of sex in Marriage.Just wondering if its the same all over?It just does not matter what you bring to the table nothing changes.If I am a A**hole for a week,Or a nice guy for a week,its the same.
I have been around these boards long enough to know there is no fixing the problem.Sure you have the one's that say you need to cuddle more,Do the dishes,Listen more,forget about sex,Just hold your wife,Do the Map,Read a book,If so many here have read the book tell me the answers.As many here we are all very smart and still we can not figure the problem out. I never thought I would have to read a book to get laid.And why is it that the one who does not what sex is happier then the one that wants it?
 

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Ok have you tried balancing yourself out? I know it seems like reading a book is outragious.... Like things should just happen and be perfect but they arent. Have you seen if your wife is holding some sort of resentment? Taken her to the doc to rule out any medical issues?
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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
I know one answer is to not be an a-hole for one week and a nice guy the next...
Maybe thats where I have been going wrong?Maybe it should be 3 weeks on 3 weeks off.Just kidding Thanks for replying,Yes their is resentment in the air with both of us.Its a shame to say this but,At this point in my life all I would like is to be at peace whit it all.Yes find some balance.One day you except the way things are. And then the next day I am pissed off about it.Some days I say to myself I don't care,Then I do.The whole thing really messes with your brain.
 

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there is no single answer to this. if there was this web site would be blank, the news stand would be devoid of all the mags that come out week after week with relationship advice, Dr Phil and all the other TV counselor/gurus would be unemployed.
You have to work at it, every day, every night. Sometimes you screw up; sometimes she screws up. Most of the time i think we each make our own messes. We assume what the other person is thinking or motivated by when it is impossible for us to be inside the head of anyone. Some of us have a harder time going with the flow than others.
No magic pill, no secret answer to make it all right.
We all wonder and then we se sigh, realizing there is no single right way and we do the best we can. I try to be honest with myself and look at what I can do to make things better before I put the burden on the other person. It is a constant effort but nothing that i view as a burden. It's life.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
You Know I like that, Theirs some peace there.I think just you saying that .I can grow from that.Some days I get a little pissed about the whole thing.Over the years Dec. is always a bad month for sex in my house because of the stress level.But its always some excuse.
 

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Gaming,
Firstly, I have to say that your username made me feel you were looking for a quick answer and a roadmap to get a quota of sex. (that's okay if you are, btw)

I'm a woman, btw.

Knowledge is power. 30 years of marriage means a lot of really engrained habits to get over. Sometimes, change isn't even possible, because your partner doesn't want to, or simply CANNOT.

But she isn't here. You are. (would she come here??). Have you guys gone to see a counsellor? DId you do the His Needs Her Needs Quizzes together? Is she working WITH you on this? Or is this just "Gaming" on your end?

If you are willing to read yet another insight....

If you break down women and men to the bare animal instincts, you get a simple equation. Take away modern society, and look at how the instinct for women is wired, for species survival.

For a woman to have intercourse, is an instinctual state of vulnerability. It is the most vulnerable thing a human woman can allow. She could be physically hurt. She could become pregnant. She could be left alone, pregnant, and no ability to provide and support. If your wife has kids, this instinct can be stronger. Her role has changed. Protect the family, the kids, make sure there is a support system in place. Her preferences for a mate will change. Someone who will take care of things. Be reliable. As women get older, the bare animal instinct to have sex for procreation changes, too. More practical instincts come forward.

Thus, the security aspect comes into play.

If safety and security is in place, the level of attractiveness can be based on their "sexuality". Some women don't even know how to tap that sexuality. Or they have supressed it, because they had to.

The cruel trick is.... every woman is different. Read some of SimplyAmourous' posts. It can be awakened. If they feel safe enough to do so, and there is a desire there to move forward with it. Yes, a few women do have past histories that prevent them from moving forward. But, the painful truth is the RIGHT behavior will awaken the sexuality. Or the right person.

Doing the same old thing will result in the same old thing.
But taking a chance means you learn a lot about yourself, women, and maybe the end result is what kind of relationship you want, and with whom. Best of luck in your journey,
 

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Before coming to TAM, I had no idea there were so many people with problems with lack of sex in their marriages. The only times I have had a decreased interest in sex is when there were other issues in the relationship that created a lack of interest (resentment, major disagreements, feeling neglected, etc.) OR I had lost attraction to the guy.

I have a hard time believing the "our marriage is perfect except she won't have sex with me". I doubt that.

In my experience, sex problems is what the guy finally notices after not noticing or ignoring the problems in the relationship outside the bedroom for a while. And then they exacerbate the problem by pushing for sex and turning it into "we have to fix this because now I'm not happy" despite not working on the relationship itself prior to it getting to the no sex stage.

I do think, though, that women might be reluctant to tell their husbands they aren't attracted to their hubbys much anymore or that they want to suffocate them with a pillow sometimes. So they say "nothing's wrong, it's my low drive"...

I don't know. Just speaking from my experience. And I'm sure it goes both ways - not just for women refusing sex, but men not wanting it with their wives. I'm not saying this applies to you as I don't know your background at all.
 

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Before coming to TAM, I had no idea there were so many people with problems with lack of sex in their marriages. The only times I have had a decreased interest in sex is when there were other issues in the relationship that created a lack of interest (resentment, major disagreements, feeling neglected, etc.) OR I had lost attraction to the guy.

I have a hard time believing the "our marriage is perfect except she won't have sex with me". I doubt that.

In my experience, sex problems is what the guy finally notices after not noticing or ignoring the problems in the relationship outside the bedroom for a while. And then they exacerbate the problem by pushing for sex and turning it into "we have to fix this because now I'm not happy" despite not working on the relationship itself prior to it getting to the no sex stage.

I do think, though, that women might be reluctant to tell their husbands they aren't attracted to their hubbys much anymore or that they want to suffocate them with a pillow sometimes. So they say "nothing's wrong, it's my low drive"...

I don't know. Just speaking from my experience. And I'm sure it goes both ways - not just for women refusing sex, but men not wanting it with their wives. I'm not saying this applies to you as I don't know your background at all.
with all that said threre are no reasons to comunicate that nothing is wrong when something is wrong. if a spouce comes to their wife/husband and they ask whats wrong we dont seem to be having sex any more then they should be honest and tell them whats up. .....well I'm not in the mood because of this or that. some of the reasons might even be from some misscomunications or missunderstanding.

so the spouce who refuses intamacy but accepts a pay check is being very unfair and controling to a point.

there unhappy but not enough to leave or to selfish to leave or stupid to comunicate what bothering them with the relationship.
 

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Where does the paycheck come in? I said nothing about paychecks.

I have never accepted anyone's paycheck for sex, and if you mean SAHM's, sorry, but they do WORK for the family which includes the husband. I have never been a SAHM and have always had jobs and frankly, make more money than most of the guys I've dated, including my partner.

Linking marital sex with money is exactly one those things that kills a woman's sex drive. That you think of it that way is the big turn off. That's not a sex problem. That's a relationship problem because you see sex as your due because you earn a salary for your household.

Perhaps I'm misunderstanding you.
 

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It seems like the battle is never over with lack of sex in Marriage.Just wondering if its the same all over?It just does not matter what you bring to the table nothing changes.
You are correct. The battle never ends. Your wife is attracted to certain traits. If you stop exhibiting those traits, she will stop wanting to have sex with you. It's very simple. There will never be a day that you can stop being attractive to your wife and she will still want to have sex with you.

I have been around these boards long enough to know there is no fixing the problem.
Sure there is. Be attractive. That's the solution. It's not a quick fix. LTR game is infinitely harder than ONS game. For a ONS, you can lie to the girl. You can use canned routines that are tried and true. You can mimic attractive traits. Tell her you're a rich man, but you have to go back to her place because your mansion is being fumigated.

In a LTR, none of that works. You will run out of canned routines quickly. Your lies will be discovered. You can't just mimic attractive traits. You have to actually BE attractive.

I never thought I would have to read a book to get laid.
I understand. The red pill is almost never pleasant. You don't remember the day you found out about Santa Claus as a pleasant experience. But it opened your eyes to the world around you.

Ignorance is not bliss. It's just ignorance.

And why is it that the one who does not what sex is happier then the one that wants it?
Because she's getting what she wants. I assume that you don't force her to have sex when she doesn't want it. And I assume you don't make her life hell in other ways when she doesn't give it up. So she's in a situation that works for her.

Your job is to change the situation into one that no longer works for her. The best way is to become someone she wants to have sex with.

Good luck.
 

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Ignorance is not bliss. It's just ignorance.
Walk in on your 300 lbs. Uncle giving your Aunt the 'festive log' and tell me ignorance isn't bliss...
 

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Linking marital sex with money is exactly one those things that kills a woman's sex drive. That you think of it that way is the big turn off. That's not a sex problem. That's a relationship problem because you see sex as your due because you earn a salary for your household.
He was discussing female needs versus male needs in marriage. Women tend to rank financial security high on their list of needs in marriage. Men don't. Men tend to rank sexual fulfillment high on their list of needs in marriage. Women don't.

So, many (most?) marriages are mutually beneficial relationships where men satisfy women's need for financial security in exchange for women satisfying men's need for sexual fulfillment. In other words, paychecks for sex.

In marriages where women withhold sex, they are refusing to satisfy their husbands' needs. And that's bad. The other poster was simply pointing out that most of those women will continue to allow those husbands to fulfill their needs at the same time.
 

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Before coming to TAM, I had no idea there were so many people with problems with lack of sex in their marriages. The only times I have had a decreased interest in sex is when there were other issues in the relationship that created a lack of interest (resentment, major disagreements, feeling neglected, etc.) OR I had lost attraction to the guy.

I have a hard time believing the "our marriage is perfect except she won't have sex with me". I doubt that.

In my experience, sex problems is what the guy finally notices after not noticing or ignoring the problems in the relationship outside the bedroom for a while. And then they exacerbate the problem by pushing for sex and turning it into "we have to fix this because now I'm not happy" despite not working on the relationship itself prior to it getting to the no sex stage.
This. Many times the wife expresses things that are bothering her in the marriage before the sex drops off. The hubby still thinks everything is fine because there is still sex. Meanwhile the wife is not feeling listened to and understood. Which causes resentment, and will lead to the decrease in sex. This is what gets the hubby's attention. Then he comes to the forum and says, "everything is perfect except for the sex".

The lack of sex gets the attention of the hubby 99.9% of the time. I've seen this time and time again irl and on internet forums.
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so the spouce who refuses intamacy but accepts a pay check is being very unfair and controling to a point.
I guess that this is about marriages in which one of the couple doesn't work and stays home and takes care of house chores and kids? Since it wouldn't realy apply to cases in which both works. If that's the case, then pay check for sex kind of logic is silly. Both agreed that one of the couple stays home while the other works. Yea money might come from the one who works, but then it doesn't mean that the person with money is the superior one. It's just they agreed that one of them works outside while the other works inside. And taking care of house chores and children can be very tiresome too. Specially if the one that works doesn't really need to take care of these at all, leaving the domestic one to take care of these 24/7.
Also, can the one that takes care of the house stop taking care of it? I don't think so. So can the one who works outside stop providing money? I don't think so.

But then I can't really understand how can one think about a partner accepting money but not giving sex is unfair. I mean, are you marrying a hooker or someone you love, that sex is not something to be bought but a demonstration of love and care? I would think of partner not carring about my sexual or whatever needs but only cares about his needs selfish, but I would never be in a relationshio in which any of us ever think like "I give you money but you are being unfair to not give me sex".
 

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This. Many times the wife expresses things that are bothering her in the marriage before the sex drops off. The hubby still thinks everything is fine because there is still sex. Meanwhile the wife is not feeling listened to and understood. Which causes resentment, and will lead to the decrease in sex. This is what gets the hubby's attention. Then he comes to the forum and says, "everything is perfect except for the sex".

The lack of sex gets the attention of the hubby 99.9% of the time. I've seen this time and time again irl and on internet forums.
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This is true, some women spend their time trying to tell their men what they are unhappy about, but then their men might not understand what they are saying and not really worry much, 'till sex is gone and then they'd wonder what went wrong in their "perfect" relationship. Although it is also true that some women end up not explaining things well (they can lack of objectivity and get too abstract for men sometimes) or giving up trying, so that men would have thought that everything is alright, since they have asked and their women said they were fine (but some men can be more sensitive and able to spot that something is wrong indeed). Or sometimes some men sucks at choosing the right words that the women concluded that it's no use trying to explain things.

All in all, it's the miscommunication that is often the issue. That a lot of times, women and men are not communicating well with each other, that the issues ended up penting up and so women ended up stop showing affection. And men are right to be worried when sex is gone, not just coz sex is gone, but coz there are underlying issues that have developed too much for a long time.

There are indeed women who loses drive and are not sure why. But for a woman to not even show affection in any way, it's very probably that the cause are some underlying issues in the relationship instead of just loss of drive.
 

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I guess that this is about marriages in which one of the couple doesn't work and stays home and takes care of house chores and kids? Since it wouldn't realy apply to cases in which both works.
It can apply to either scenario. A single income household where the husband earns the money is the most obvious example. But a husband providing one income in a dual-income household is also a typical case.

Yea money might come from the one who works, but then it doesn't mean that the person with money is the superior one.
Nobody has used the word, "superior." We're talking about contributions to the marriage. Women tend to value men's financial contributions and men tend to value women's sexual contributions. And many women don't see anything wrong with accepting a man's financial contribution while refusing to make her own sexual contribution.

But then I can't really understand how can one think about a partner accepting money but not giving sex is unfair. I mean, are you marrying a hooker or someone you love, that sex is not something to be bought but a demonstration of love and care?
The word for a situation where men are obligated to contribute and women have no such obligation is slavery. And very few men want to marry in order to become slaves.

Marriage should be about two people contributing to each other's happiness. Since men and women value different things and have different abilities, they will contribute different things in different ways. It's odd that some women take issue with that notion.
 

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It can apply to either scenario. A single income household where the husband earns the money is the most obvious example. But a husband providing one income in a dual-income household is also a typical case.


Nobody has used the word, "superior." We're talking about contributions to the marriage. Women tend to value men's financial contributions and men tend to value women's sexual contributions. And many women don't see anything wrong with accepting a man's financial contribution while refusing to make her own sexual contribution.


The word for a situation where men are obligated to contribute and women have no such obligation is slavery. And very few men want to marry in order to become slaves.

Marriage should be about two people contributing to each other's happiness. Since men and women value different things and have different abilities, they will contribute different things in different ways. It's odd that some women take issue with that notion.
So how about house chores? Isn't that house wife's contribuition? So the man's money from work is contribuition, but a woman taking care of house and kids is not?

The working one that provides an income can't cut off the income for the sake of the house, just like the one that stays home can't stop taking care of house and kids for the sake of the house. So just saying how unfair it is for men to provide money while woman cutting off sex is just ignoring the part of the woman' work and that's not fair. And this applies to both genders, whoever stays home or works.
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It seems like the battle is never over with lack of sex in Marriage.Just wondering if its the same all over?It just does not matter what you bring to the table nothing changes.If I am a A**hole for a week,Or a nice guy for a week,its the same.
I have been around these boards long enough to know there is no fixing the problem.Sure you have the one's that say you need to cuddle more,Do the dishes,Listen more,forget about sex,Just hold your wife,Do the Map,Read a book,If so many here have read the book tell me the answers.As many here we are all very smart and still we can not figure the problem out. I never thought I would have to read a book to get laid.And why is it that the one who does not what sex is happier then the one that wants it?
In our case, the key to more sex, and good sex was not skills, not lists of chores, and not the "right toy" or right move. It was, in fact, mending our relationship. We had been pulling away and resisting each other for many years.

I resented the lack of sex (as did she), and we each began shielding ourselves from our hurts - which drove us farther apart.

Our processes of mending a relationship included a lot of introspection for both of us, and then a lot of open and very often painful conversations on various topics.

We went from months (or even a year or more) to daily (or more). Now, admittedly, my wife got in touch with her own sexuality, as part of trying to understand her own hangups and why my behavior bothered her so bad. And I had to come to grips with why I resisted, why I was angry. And why I resorted to porn and my right hand so much.

Yes, this level of intimacy has its ups and downs, it's joys and it's agonies, and it's not "safe" because it's easy to be hurt.. But we're going to keep on down this road, because we've tried the other way and that was a living hell for both of us.

This may have moments of living hell, but they only interrupt a lot of being happy, and we now think "this will pass" and work on doing whatever it takes.

The key, in our lives, was truly heartfelt commitment and communication, on both our parts. Where we say what we think instead of trying to spare each other's feelings.
 
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