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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I just saw from our computer that my husband has visited a page(porn) and this somewhat bothers me. I just feel like I can trust him less now. It bothers me that something has been done behind my back when I'm not home.

I want to talk to him / ask him about this. Just wondering how to go about this. I also noticed that sex has been off for 3 weeks now and may be that directed him to such websites?

P.S.: I understand that we all have different views on viewing porn, I do not feel comfortable with me or my Husband doing this and so this is a no-no for me.
 

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You should probably start out with discussing why there has not been any sex for the last 3 weeks.

Have you tried to intiate it? If so what has been his reply?
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
You should probably start out with discussing why there has not been any sex for the last 3 weeks.

Have you tried to intiate it? If so what has been his reply?
Quick reply, thanks.

I did ask. He said " We will soon". I understand that we both had some scheudling issues(I had some late working hours) and then one week was lost on my period. Today is Friday and I want to ask him again and also mention that I saw this webpage. I just don't want to offend him or make him feel like a criminal. I want my trust back, that's all. This trust was built over the last 2 years and we are married for 4 years now. The first few months of the relationship took time interms of trusting one another.
 

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I just saw from our computer that my husband has visited a page(porn) and this somewhat bothers me. I just feel like I can trust him less now. It bothers me that something has been done behind my back when I'm not home.
Figure out why it bothers you so that you can explain it. Also, why do you view this as being behind your back. Has this been discussed before or was this a promise that he broke?

I want to talk to him / ask him about this. Just wondering how to go about this. I also noticed that sex has been off for 3 weeks now and may be that directed him to such websites?
Is the porn the cause or a result. By that I mean do you think he started the porn in the last three weeks, so it has caused the disconnect, or is it possible that he turned to porn after things being off. Also, do you think this is his first time looking at porn since you have been together? Why or why not.

P.S.: I understand that we all have different views on viewing porn, I do not feel comfortable with me or my Husband doing this and so this is a no-no for me.
First, really think through the issues you have with it and why. It is useful so that you can focus the conversation. Next, you need to avoid attacking. If you want a beneficial conversation, you need to be willing to listen to him. Shaming or attacking won't help much.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Figure out why it bothers you so that you can explain it. Also, why do you view this as being behind your back. Has this been discussed before or was this a promise that he broke?



Is the porn the cause or a result. By that I mean do you think he started the porn in the last three weeks, so it has caused the disconnect, or is it possible that he turned to porn after things being off. Also, do you think this is his first time looking at porn since you have been together? Why or why not.



First, really think through the issues you have with it and why. It is useful so that you can focus the conversation. Next, you need to avoid attacking. If you want a beneficial conversation, you need to be willing to listen to him. Shaming or attacking won't help much.
You gave me important stuff to think about.

I just feel less trust now. Well, he did it once a couple of years ago and we decided that he would not do it again. But I guess we are all human and so this happened again.

Viewing porn was a result of no-sex for a few days.
 

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I think it's important for you to recognize that just because porn is something you don't like, it doesn't mean it's automatically a bad thing or that your man is wrong for enjoying it sometimes.

It sounds like he agreed not to look again against his own values, which was an unfair request to make and it sets you up for a situation like the one you're in now.

It might be more productive to find another way to let him enjoy something that holds some small value to him, while protecting yourself from betrayal, like offering to enjoy it with him once in a while or asking him to tell you what turned him on about something he sees. This can build intimacy and trust instead of becoming a power thing where you are basically dictating what he can and cannot do.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
I think it's important for you to recognize that just because porn is something you don't like, it doesn't mean it's automatically a bad thing or that your man is wrong for enjoying it sometimes.

It sounds like he agreed not to look again against his own values, which was an unfair request to make and it sets you up for a situation like the one you're in now.

It might be more productive to find another way to let him enjoy something that holds some small value to him, while protecting yourself from betrayal, like offering to enjoy it with him once in a while or asking him to tell you what turned him on about something he sees. This can build intimacy and trust instead of becoming a power thing where you are basically dictating what he can and cannot do.
Valid points! I never said viewing porn was bad or immoral. I just said it was something I would not be with him viewing and so he should understand this. Ofcourse, he understood but then here we are again in this situation. I do not mind the porn viewing as such; I just do not want to have sliding trust issues.

Now, this makes me wonder, should I even say something at all? He will be home in an hour.
 

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Valid points! I never said viewing porn was bad or immoral. I just said it was something I would not be with him viewing and so he should understand this. Ofcourse, he understood but then here we are again in this situation. I do not mind the porn viewing as such; I just do not want to have sliding trust issues.

Now, this makes me wonder, should I even say something at all? He will be home in an hour.
It's Friday. Put something sexy on and meet him at the door with his favorite drink. :)
 

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Is it the fact he watched with out you or the most likley fact that he took care of his sexual needs without giving you first right of refusal.

is he happy with how often you have sex?

if you turn him down alot then whats a guy to do.(not saying you do)

I wouldn't put the you can't or shouldn"t do it or I'm mad and hurt card. he will just lie and do it behind your back. ask him to come to you for his esxual needs and be open to do the things he likes ....with in reason.

if your really reserved he might be trying to fill a void that he isn't getting from you. by masterbating to images of oral,anal,or whatever. again I'm just throwing things out please don't take offence
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Is it the fact he watched with out you or the most likley fact that he took care of his sexual needs without giving you first right of refusal. I am not sure. Most likely the second one

is he happy with how often you have sex? He is the one less interested in sex between the two of us. So I think he is satisfied and I never turn him down.

if you turn him down alot then whats a guy to do.(not saying you do)

I wouldn't put the you can't or shouldn"t do it or I'm mad and hurt card. he will just lie and do it behind your back. ask him to come to you for his esxual needs and be open to do the things he likes ....with in reason. I want to let him know I am awareof what he did and I do not appreciate that. This is all I want to convey. Should I?

if your really reserved he might be trying to fill a void that he isn't getting from you. by masterbating to images of oral,anal,or whatever. again I'm just throwing things out please don't take offence
 

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Well, in my mind... He's not really hiding it that well, if you found it.
He is just respecting you by not looking at it while you are home.

If He was trying to be a sneaky & doing something you wouldn't trust, then in my opinion, he'd not have left it in his browser history.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Well, in my mind... He's not really hiding it that well, if you found it.
He is just respecting you by not looking at it while you are home.

If He was trying to be a sneaky & doing something you wouldn't trust, then in my opinion, he'd not have left it in his browser history.
Brilliant point ,makes sense. But I feel he forgot to delete it. Well, the thing is he has deleted history :)
I found out because when I did a copy-paste, it pasted this link instead of what I wanted it to paste. That's when I went back to history but nothing there! So I only have a suspision that this link has been viewed. I want to ask him about it. But after reading replies here I feel I rather shut up :)
 

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Hmm

I hear ya wtf I wouldn't want to masterbate if I had a willing partner.

but confronting might not be the action. I would quit initinating and act aloof. and when he trys to start things next time I would say I wish I knew you were in the mood because I wouldn't have masterbated to the porn I found on the computer eariler.....then watch his jaw drop. then say we need to talk.

and have an open conversation about whats expected of each other. like giving each other the first right of refusal and similiar topics.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Hmm

I hear ya wtf I wouldn't want to masterbate if I had a willing partner.I am more than a willing partner LOL in this regard

but confronting might not be the action. I would quit initinating and act aloof. and when he trys to start things next time I would say I wish I knew you were in the mood because I wouldn't have masterbated to the porn I found on the computer eariler.....then watch his jaw drop. then say we need to talk.

and have an open conversation about whats expected of each other. like giving each other the first right of refusal and similiar topics.
LEt's see how tonight goes for us since it is friday :). I will update here.
 

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Brilliant point ,makes sense. But I feel he forgot to delete it. Well, the thing is he has deleted history :)
I found out because when I did a copy-paste, it pasted this link instead of what I wanted it to paste. That's when I went back to history but nothing there! So I only have a suspision that this link has been viewed. I want to ask him about it. But after reading replies here I feel I rather shut up :)
Oh no!.. I think you "should" talk to him about it.

If you two have already had a conversation about porn, and about what is acceptable to each other, or what is off limits... Then he would know that his browsing it has potential to upset you. Then, maybe if he is trying to spare your feelings, he is trying to delete his history.

If you have not had any conversations about it... then maybe, you could bring it up.. like... "Hey baby, I know we've been tooo busy lately to really do anything about sex. If you wanted something special.... would you want me to dress like someone in a sexy video (name music video).. Or maybe a home-made sex type video?"... then you could lead the conversation into maybe some porn type sights "He has seen in the past"....

If you are dead set against his viewing other women on line, then maybe you can talk about it, and get him a subscription to playboy or something.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
So....... I dressed-up a little on Friday evening but my man apparently wanted the food and some sleep. I was ok. I thought Saturday may be? This time he wanted movies, snacks and food. OK, now it is sunday night and he is snoring!

Well, I just think he is undergoing some stress and I did not even ask him about the computer links etc. He seemed very irritable this whole week end lashing out at me :( . Most reasons are silly!. The Internet went off and according to him I am the reason because I said " wow, you are spending the whole sunday watching movies. How many movies so far?" . I meant what I said anyway.

I'm going to wait for this dark cloud to pass away.
 
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