[anxiousbones]

Hi everyone, I'm new to this site, but I'm up late and can't stop thinking about what my husband said to me. Early tonight I tried to initiate sex, but nothing I did was getting him excited. He worked long hours today, so I asked him if he was too worn out or if he wanted to keep trying. He said "sure, just do something to entice me." I tried several things that usually do it for him but nothing was happening. Finally we gave up and I gave him a back rub instead.

Then shortly after this he tells me that he wishes I would be more adventurous and just do something crazy. I was kind of surprised by that, because I had been doing some semi-kinky things not long before this conversation. I asked for an example, and he said I should just start masturbating on top of him or something. Then he goes on to tell me that I never want to try anything different, and he feels like when we have sex I just want it over. I was speechless! Then he fell asleep.

So it's been a couple hours but I'm still awake & fretting over what he said. Up until tonight I thought we had a pretty awesome sex life. Despite having 2 young kids, we still manage to fool around at least a few times a week. When we have sex, it's not like I just lie there!!! We always enjoy plenty of foreplay, and a few different positions. I'll wear lingerie to surprise him when we have the opportunity. We both give & receive oral. We've even tried talking about our fantasies before sex, and we both like to talk dirty during. And all this time he's thought I was too vanilla!

I am just baffled, I don't know what else he expects from me. Should I just send the kids to grandma's house and dress up like a dominatrix to surprise him?

The only thing I can imagine why he thinks I want it over quickly is when we're in the middle of sex and we hear one of the kids waking up. But seriously?

I know he's not cheating, so it's not like he's getting more excitement somewhere else, but what he said came as such a shock to me. We've been together 7 years, married for 5, I cannot comprehend that he's always felt this way, but waited to mention it until now? Or does he just need something really crazy once in a while to keep things spiced up? I could really use some advice, thanks everybody.

 

[RandomDude]

My wife is and has always been the most skilled and talented in the bedroom. However, she still seems to have a similar problem of trying to get me in the mood. And yes, at times it gets VERY boring.

Don't take it the wrong way, it doesn't mean your sex life is bad. But you have to be creative, and don't always follow what the world thinks is sexy -> your husband is bound to have his own perks and triggers like I have mine. You can recycle ideas but for the most part it must never be expected, and you shouldn't ask your husband for ideas. It ruins the whole surprise/tease/game/etc...

As for teases, there are so many different ways to tease him from touches to flirts to how you dress, or it can even be as simple as playing hard to get when you know he's busting to ram ya. Remember... easy = boring.

EDIT: Also, an easy mistake when teasing -> remember -> DON'T STOP until he FULLY takes over. My wife at times still makes the mistake of immediately being submissive as soon as she reckons I'm good to go. Nope, let UR MAN decide when you can stop teasing

 

[CanadianGuy]

Get a skillet or cast iron frying pan. Hold it in your dominant hand. SMACK HIM ACROSS THE HEAD WITH IT. Surprise

There are plenty of men on this site that will tell you that there wives never ever initiate sex.

He sounds pretty boring actually. Buy him the dom outfit and make him wear it. Crazy enough for him ya think?

Only the boring are bored.

Good for you for keeping the sex life alive though!

 

[minimalME]

It's good that he was willing to bring this up - even if he expressed it selfishly, in a blaming sort of way.

And you're very sweet and kind to want to please him and to reach out to ask how. I hope he appreciates your openness.

I would try to talk to him more about specifically what he'd enjoy. It's different for everyone, so even if we gave you tons of ideas, it may do nothing for him.

But, he needs to be more humble and vulnerable. He has to do his part in communicating his desires. You aren't a mindreader. It's also his responsibility to be the right state of mind when he comes to bed - or all throughout the day, really. It's not all up to you, and he came across as pretty lazy.

 

[rj700]

Have you two talked about sex at a time when there is no possibility of sex? I mean it can be difficult (for me anyway) to talk about it just before or just after sex. Too much pressure (before) or anxiety (after).

Find a time to talk outside the bedroom and see if you can get him to open up with some specifics. This should build some anticipation on his part. Then a week or two later, use one of his specifics - if you do it right away, he won't be surprised. Assuming this works, get some more talks going so you'll have some options later on. He won't know what to expect, but you'll know what to try.

 

[*LittleDeer*]

What is he doing to make sex exciting? How much does he initiate? How much flirting and romance does he give you? How much attention?

I would be very hurt by how he did that. Most women need to be desired and feel loved. I hope he's on top of that game. I doubt it.

 

[anxiousbones]

Thanks for the tips, and CanadianGuy thank you for the laugh, I needed that!

MinimalMe you nailed it on the head - humble & vulnerable he is NOT. He's gotten tons better at communication since we've been together, but he whenever he brings up a problem we need to fix, he does come across as blaming.

My husband is not a selfish person in bed or elsewhere, quite the opposite. I guess that's why this threw me for such a loop. Your responses make me think this could be more a communication problem than a sex problem. I guess that shouldn't surprise me!

 

[CandieGirl]

View this as temporary....our sex life has recently tanked, and I was told it was boring, too. And you know what? The last couple of months is HAS been boring. I agreed with him! Well, that kinda shut him up! In our case, my husband is the one with all the issues and sexual hangups. I'm lost for what to do, so for the moment, I'm going to relax and do nothing for awhile, because he is feeling pressured. I know it's temporary. Anyways, just wanted to say that I'm sure in your case, it's nothing permanent. Look up Kareeza, it's a nice teasy kind of sex...and it actually works to bring you closer. I'm planning on trying it again soon with H.

 

[marriedguy]

When I first read this post I swear I thought it was my wife posting about what I told her yesterday early evening..
I feel the same way your husband does, except it sounds like you do alot more initiating than my wife..
But, thats you talking..if my wife were to write on here she would probably sound like you..
When in reality she hardly ever initiates or does anything exciting..when she does she takes credit for it for years whenever I complain about a lack of creativity on her part..

So why not masterbait on top of him? For me it would be a huge turn on if my wife gave me a show!
Are you aggressive in bed? Or is he usually the more assertive one?
Maybe he doesn't want you to take no for an answer..when he looks bored, instead of stopping do something really wild to wake him up..somethin you haven't done before..
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[WorkingOnMe]

You could offer anal....

Or, try the under the bed restraint system. I bought one on amazon. Pretty freakin cool and my wife now requests it all the time. It installs easily between the mattresses.

You said you both do oral. If you don't already swallow, that is also a big step up.

 

[youkiddingme]

Who knows......the problem may have nothing to do with you. It may be that he has ED issues and is blaming you. He may need a physical. It may be that you need to check his computer usage.....what you are doing may not be as exciting as what he has been watching. Or there could simply be relationship issues.

However, it does not sound like he is doing anything......and that YOU are the one doing it all. If that is the case he needs to change not you.

 

[Pault]

Having children who, if they wake can be the best contraceptive ever. I doubt that there is a couple alive who haven't started to make love and ended up diving for the finishing line because one of the kids might need them. Sex can be like a tv programme you see it once or twice and its a good programme thne you start looking away from the programme as it doesnt grab your attention. But there are things to change things from the "erverytime" situation. He made a paoint of telling you something that might push his buttons - Fine, do something like it but not exactly it and see his reaction, variations on a theme?

It takes a little investigation to find what does it for him as much as he should find what does it for you.

 

[unbelievable]

A heart attack is exciting. A car crash is exciting. Having an affair with the neighbor would be different and probably exciting. He should count his blessings that his life is relatively predictable and drama free. Maybe if you included a fireworks display, some clowns, a little bondage complete with a knife-throwing exhibition, a trapeze act, or maybe you could shoot yourself naked out of a cannon.

 

[Runs like Dog]

That passive aggressive bullsh^t is for the birds. If he won't say what he wants then too bad soo sad.

 

[40isthenew20]

It sounds like this guy should be happy with his situation instead of complaining about it. The OP made it clear that she does spice things up and initiates. My wife is just starting to crawl out of the vanilla shell (ever so slowly) and I'm elated.

Just for a reaction, try something new with him like anal play. Even a soft tickle down there while you're performing oral on him. If he's man enough, he'll encourage you to go further. If not, hey- you can sleep with a clear conscious that you tried.

And I second that motion on masturbating on top of him. That would make me cum in seconds and I would be thrilled just to have my wife touch herself in any situation/position, let alone on top of me.

 

[wiigirl]

You could offer anal....

Or, try the under the bed restraint system. I bought one on amazon. Pretty freakin cool and my wife now requests it all the time. It installs easily between the mattresses.

You said you both do oral. If you don't already swallow, that is also a big step up.

Nothing like jumpung off the deep end.

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[WorkingOnMe]

lol what can I say, I'm a fixer. I'm sure you agree that these things could go a long way toward making her "not boring"!!!