[Kaori]

Hey all,

I was told by my bf today that I'm being too sexually aggressive. I'm in my peaking 40's and want him all the freakin' time (he's 38) & noticed that he was not getting into being intimate with me as often or as enthusiastically as he used to so I just asked him what the problem was & he said:

sometimes I feel alot of pressure to perform since you make it clear that you are very horny on a daily basis, and that takes a little bit of the fun out of it like there's an expectation that needs to be met. As a man, it's also in my nature to "pursue" you, but when you make it very clear that you're always ready & open for business, I'm less motivated to try because it feels like I don't really have to try. I know I'm very lucky to have such a gorgeous, sexy woman willing to satisfy me on a daily basis and I don't want to take you for granted or not keep you satisfied, but I do feel alot of pressure from you to do so. Sometimes I feel like if I don't keep you satisfied that you might think about looking for some younger buck who's got more energy and sexual drive then I do. I hope that's never the case. I very much enjoy knowing that you desire me, but maybe it's something I need to hear less or not on a daily basis. Then, if I'm wondering if you're hot for me there's only one way for me to find out...

Ugh! I appreciate his candor & will try my best to accomodate his wishes, but I'm a little resentful that he can't just soak up & enjoy the attention, adoration, & plentiful sex I'm offering him, and now I have to curb my desires to satisfy this caveman 'hunt' concept of his & pray that he approaches me more than once or twice a week.

What advice can you all give me on how to curb my desire for him when he's not in the mood & be this 'challenge' that he's looking for? We spend all our time together after work & I can't imagine sneaking off to mb while he's home watching TV. How do you guys do it?

 

[Jellybeans]

Dang, girl! You are running him ragged

How often do you, if you don't mind me asking?

He was pretty honest with you which is awesome. Discuss openly with him about how you feel and then try to come to a compromise on frequency, ec.

How long have you been together?



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[40isthenew20]

It is hard for me to relate to this considering that I am the initiator in my marriage and my wife is the one who tells me to slow down. I wish that she was chasing me around.

Perhaps you can do some other stuff instead of intercourse and satisfy both parties. My wife - even though she has been much better lately libido-wise - will take care of me on the nights that she is not in the mood.

If your boyfriend goes down on you or uses a vibrator on you, would that get you off? And I find it hard to imagine any guy not getting horny while doing this so you might end up getting laid anyway. Just don't start it out with that in mind to let him know that you're trying to adhere to his wishes.

 

[Kaori]

We do it about 3x a week & I'd be happy with every other day. We've been dating for over a year & are about to move in together in a few weeks, and now I'm having second thoughts, but the lease has already been signed!

*sigh* Now I'm worried about being stuck with someone who doesnt appreciate me & I can't be my true self with. Why do I have to make all the freakin' compromises to accomodate him? I give up!

 

[Kaori]

40isthenew20...I actually have suggested this & will see how that goes, but so far he seems to be the type that if he's not in the mood, I'm ass out! I dunno, I'll talk to him about it further tonight...the fact that I will still be horny while pretending not to want him - for his benefit - is a real issue that he can't ignore.

 

[anotherguy]

3x a week is hardly over the top, nor is every other day.

It is what it is though.

If you are trying how to figure out how to be something you are not - you are looking in the wrong place for answers. 'curb your desire'. What an odd concept.

Yeah I also think the 'hunt' thing is BS.. though I have seen it before so I guess it cant be totallly discounted. I see it from guys explaining why they picked up that chick in the bar. (sorry - just sticking that in there) Here you are... gorgeous, willing, and exquisitely horny.. and he wants to go hunting? He doesnt respond well to 'pressure'? Laugh. I know plenty of guys who dream for than kind of 'pressure'.

Maybe you should let him go on his little safari if thats what he needs. Seems like a pretty uncomfortable first step when moving in together.

 

[Jellybeans]

Well def have a discussion before you move in together. You BOTH have to compromise.



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[Homemaker_Numero_Uno]

It sounds like he's a guy who wants to make sure he can deliver quality. Also, a guy just as well as a woman can worry about being used for his body. If you do enjoy the sex you are having with him, you owe it to yourself to make sure that on average, over the long haul, you will continue to get quality. Don't sell yourself short in the long run. Stoking a guy's fire by showing some restraint *might* have long-term payoffs. I'd rather have a couple times a week quality than 'fast food' more frequently. I know it's difficult to fathom that a guy wants it less often and horrors, not all the time, but from what I hear, there is a real desire to deliver...and the 'more often' can be a real impediment to that sort of quality control.

Surely as a modern day woman you can take care of yourself every once in a while... but I guess it all depends on the rest of your relationship. Before committing, you really need to think about what might happen if say he lost his ability altogether due to accident or illness. Or what might happen if you did.

 

[WyshIknew]

Hmm difficult.

I'm 55 so can't speak for a 38 year man but it is relatively easy for a woman to tap out a man. There are only so many times that a man can get it up within a certain period.

Does it have to be PIV sex, what about toys or oral?

 

[anotherguy]

...it is relatively easy for a woman to tap out a man...

speak for yourself.

Yeah I know, Im only 47 and I'll probably fade fast in the coming rapifd decline of my teetering elder years, but clearly... its not the same for everyone.

 

[Hope1964]

I am higher drive than hubby and he's said stuff like this on occasion. I totally agree with Homemaker_Numero_Uno.

Don't sneak off to masturbate. Tell him that you're horny and he's welcome to come watch and participate if he feels like it Don't make him feel like you're doing it to spite him though.

 

[anotherguy]

It sounds like he's a guy who wants to make sure he can deliver quality.

Does it? Where? I missed that part.

 

[Kaori]

Hmm difficult.

I'm 55 so can't speak for a 38 year man but it is relatively easy for a woman to tap out a man. There are only so many times that a man can get it up within a certain period.

Does it have to be PIV sex, what about toys or oral?

I have suggested the use of toys &/or him manually stimulating me, but this agression revelation is so new that we haven't had a chance to try that out. So I'll keep u posted on how that goes. I also will address our frequency expectations & whether he wants to be notified or not if I just wanna go handle things myself. That's what I was asking u all, if he doesnt want to know, how do I sneak off to masturbate when he's home? I feel it's kinda disrespectful tho to be honest.
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[Ikaika]

Hmm difficult.

I'm 55 so can't speak for a 38 year man but it is relatively easy for a woman to tap out a man. There are only so many times that a man can get it up within a certain period.

Does it have to be PIV sex, what about toys or oral?

I don't know about that I'm 51 and could do both an am and pm session if wife wasn't so freakin' tired all the time...

But I agree sex does not have to be PIV and playing games is always fun, e.g., strip card game etc... Gives this guy some time to recover or get geared up

 

[jaharthur]

3X a week is eminently reasonable.

 

[WorkingOnMe]

3 times a week and he gets tapped out? Um, no. 3x a day I can believe, but not 3 times a week. I'm 41 and have on occasion sustained 2x a day for a week at a time (on vacation). 3x a week is not exactly pushing the envelope.

So I have to ask. Is he just not that into you? Too much of a freak? Not enough of a freak? To skinny? Too fat? I just can't believe this is a frequency issue or an "I want to chase" issue.

 

[Holland]

OP your partners response to you made sense until your further post where you said you were doing it 3 x a week. Sorry but that is not an extreme amount of sex.

Sounds to me that it is your manner putting him off not the quantity of sex you are having.

SO and I are both high drive, every day and twice some days would be great if the logistics were right.
But I know when I am being too full on and chasing too much he will sit us down to have a leisurely dinner and chat for a while to slow me down. Then he takes control for the rest of the evening
We seem to work well as a unit and are a good balance for each other.

From past personal experience, get this sorted well before you move in together. He sounds like a communicator so that is a great start.

 

[Kaori]

3 times a week and he gets tapped out? Um, no. 3x a day I can believe, but not 3 times a week. I'm 41 and have on occasion sustained 2x a day for a week at a time (on vacation). 3x a week is not exactly pushing the envelope.

So I have to ask. Is he just not that into you? Too much of a freak? Not enough of a freak? To skinny? Too fat? I just can't believe this is a frequency issue or an "I want to chase" issue.

Gosh, he does drink a few beers a night, tho nothing excessive, & he's pretty skinny & suffered through passing kidney stones 2x since we've been together. He's also said he's noticed a decrease in his libido past age 35 & struggles to keep up with my sexual needs.
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[IndiaInk]

Gosh...you're so different from me

Yeah..that "pursuer" role is important for a lot of men

But that fact doesn't bother me at all.

I'm believer in gender roles...and I've sort of instinctively made sure to never "out-man" a guy...even in high school:

I didn't curse around them. I always liked when they offered to help me with something or hold doors etc...and enjoyed playing into it. I even liked to defer to their judgement sometimes whenever I'd think the decision felt like a "masculine" feeling one.

And I've never wanted to feel like I was the "chaser" in romantic relationships.

That said, I consider myself modern, opinionated and "liberated" female. It's not a part of a religious tradition and no one ever told me to act like this. I have little respect for my father, so it anything I feel like I should be more like you.

(certainly, even to me it seems so backwards to write it out)


I don't know..I'm inclined tell you to stop pursuing him so much, because that's what I think is "just natural"...so embrace the role of being desired and pursued...but I sort of see your point/frustration in asking "why can't he just embrace it"?

Anyway, sorry... this is a pretty lame attempt at advice.

It's more like your thread just got me musing...

Maybe there's a happy medium...or maybe he can/should shift his frame of mind a bit...allow himself to enjoy your enthusiasm?

(I'm sure if he visited these forums, he'd quickly be very grateful for you)

 

[Holland]

I have suggested the use of toys &/or him manually stimulating me, but this agression revelation is so new that we haven't had a chance to try that out. So I'll keep u posted on how that goes. I also will address our frequency expectations & whether he wants to be notified or not if I just wanna go handle things myself. That's what I was asking u all, if he doesnt want to know, how do I sneak off to masturbate when he's home? I feel it's kinda disrespectful tho to be honest.
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Sexual train wreck in the making here, you are starting to sound resentful.

TBH if I was going off to have some fun on my own I would tell SO, no doubt he would throw me over his shoulder and carry me to the bedroom himself to watch.

OP it is sounding more and more like a drive incompatibility issue.