Talk About Marriage banner
221 - 233 of 233 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
157 Posts
Such a compassionate post. I am completely whacked and could be affecting judgment badly. I will be asleep for sure by 7pm as an example, with my little one.

It was a really great point regards to reaction. That makes my mind easier already. It is not a decision that I am making in many ways.

Good luck in your own endeavours.
Been there myself not so long ago that's all, it's so darn exhausting to be dealing with all the hot and cold, on top of everything else you have to deal with everyday. You are doing exceptionally well keeping it together.

I’m sure you have your flaws, but you chose her, to have a family and a child with her, to treat her better than she treated you, these were your choices.

Growing up in a broken home, I truly hope your child is too young to realise what’s happening, and hope he/she will grow to be a better person because of it.

Sleeping is probably the best thing to do after an eventful day, I’m sure you’ll be exhausted enough.

You didn’t ask for any of the rubbish you’re having to deal with, but I’m sure you can handle it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,035 Posts
They are like criminals with the ingenuity's of methods. I have a tracker and VAR as standard in my my vehicles at present.
They always make the right noises at some point when they want to save their own ass.

Once you become the marriage police and begin stalking a person who you already KNOW to be a cheater, YOU are encouraging a completely dysfunctional and unhealthy situation. At this point she isn’t your worst enemy, you are.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
292 Posts
Bud look. There are many, many people here who have already had their lives ripped apart by infidelity. They are all trying to help you...YES YOU! Take off the blinders of love and listen to these people.
1. She made this choice... period. No matter what he had in her life that had meaning, no matter what she destroyed. She made this choice willingly!
2. It's not your fault! Period! We can all second guess till the cows come home, but at the end of the day, you were living the dream and living life, then this happened, by her choice not yours.
2. Quit making excuses for her. She messed up your lives, not you. We can all psychoanalyze this retroactively and see where each of us may have contributed to the end result. At the end the conclusion is the same. She chose, willingly to lay in another's man's bed and share her body with him and defile the sanctity of your marriage bed. You ows nothing to anyone for this.
4. As hard as it seems, and is, only you can decide to R or D. No one else but you can decide your path in life.
5. You must allow yourself to heal as a person and regain your individual humanity and faith in yourself.
We are all very capable of mental masturbation, eventually we mind fck ourselves doing this and make bad choices. She made hers. Carefully examine yourself now and stop the mental masturbation.before.you do the same to yourself. Have courage, strength and wisdom at this time.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
80 Posts
Discussion Starter · #225 ·
Nothing new to report, other than absolute change in the women in front of me.

I am still divorcing in terms of paperwork, we shall see what happens after that point.

This board has kept my mind straight and hope that I can continue to post with progress.

TinyTbone - you are right, just need to let this **** go.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
177 Posts
My wife and I (dependent child 5 y/o)

are attempting to move forward toward reconciliation after her being caught red handed in a highly sexual affair with a Personal trainer during one on one studio sessions. This was ongoing for 3 months and involved significant planing and disrespect. Making it worse the scum bag guy was also a fake ' Good Buddy'.

I think I will need to post in coping with infidelity shortly also.

When caught out, she was immediately sorry, cut all contact and the usual begged to stay routine. Became suicidal and over ridden with grief and upset. Although this was after caught.....

She blames herself and claims an otherwise stellar marriage with great relationship, sex and needs being met. But has identified feeling inferior to myself (no reason from my part) and a need for attention and lust for something new in the affair fog, although it was only ever supposed to be physical she developed feelings, claiming it was not love but still sufficient to escalate to full penetration no protection because it was fun and hot.

That is a brief part of back story.

Move forward a few months and her mental health is not ideal, but a lot better, as long as I am careful not to push with discussions on what happened, although all information is disclosed as I request and is honest from what can be ascertained (potential manipulation??).

Moving to last night

Wife comes back from Gym - a different gym that is busy and standard. no connection with affair partner etc.

And notes that the "hot guy at gym that looks like Thor" spoke to her.

Apparently:

W/W: Standing between squat sets
Gym Rat: Walks over to Weight Rack behind
W/W: Sorry am I in your way whilst removing headphones (as he was looking for some weights...)
Gym Rat: Looking for 20's
W/W: Oh I have them - But no way p off are you messing with me?
Gym Rat: No why (smirk)
W/W: As you can lift much heavier than that
Gym Rat: No srs I need the 20's but you can lift 25 easily on squat!
W/W: Oh ok - takes 25 from him and passes 20 kg to him
Gym Rat: After his set in busy gym - comes over and fist bumps W/W see you can do it boom!
W/W: ha ha yea thanks
Gym Rat: Yea what you squat in squat rack?
W/W: 30 - 50 as back is weak link.
Gym Rat: You can do more than that and starts talking belts and shooting small talk
W/W: Oh ok se you (places headphones back in)

Now the above outside of reconciliation is enough to warrant a sharp talk between us regards boundaries. She knows too well about the birds and bees.

Being in England - in large commercial Gyms, we do not small talk and in fact eye contact is weird or not really a done thing. Girls are never really being talked to, certainly by strangers. (I work out hard 6 days per week).

The guy was hitting on her and I am not particular concerned either way on that under typical circumstances, as we can only manage our own actions and not others.

My wife returns home and explains the above to me. Now I am struggling and really triggered and angry.

The main reason I think, is that the location - Gym and connection of this activity to her cheating ways.

But also wife thinks she had been 'good' and set up strong boundaries.

If I was standing in the same position and when the other girls in the gym are standing in that position etc - they simply ignore those around and conversation does not happen, if it does occur it would transpire as "I will have finished the 20's finished in 5 dude" the end.

From my point, I am thinking:

So the guy you found hot and looks like Thor (he does not in any way) happened to speak and chat up, trying to escalate with you in a gym. A married women in supposed reconciliation, whilst not hitting on the myriad of other largely single women in the place. What a coincidence ehhh? You shut him down by being polite and allowing escalation and a bit of pick up skills practice in terms of touch escalation with fist bumping.

Ok sounds completely legitimate.

Any thoughts on this to help?
She can and you can say to each other how cute people are. No sweat. Gym is a weakness, keep her on a tight leash, commend her for telling you. Shout I need to get fit, seeing a guy like Thor is going to get me jealous and eork out harder.
Give her a pass, keep working on the relationship. Tell her the first hint of relapse you will kick her to the curb.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,360 Posts
She can and you can say to each other how cute people are. No sweat. Gym is a weakness, keep her on a tight leash, commend her for telling you. Shout I need to get fit, seeing a guy like Thor is going to get me jealous and eork out harder.
Give her a pass, keep working on the relationship. Tell her the first hint of relapse you will kick her to the curb.
Forehead Hair Head Chin Eyebrow
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
80 Posts
Discussion Starter · #229 ·
She can and you can say to each other how cute people are. No sweat. Gym is a weakness, keep her on a tight leash, commend her for telling you. Shout I need to get fit, seeing a guy like Thor is going to get me jealous and eork out harder.
Give her a pass, keep working on the relationship. Tell her the first hint of relapse you will kick her to the curb.
I understand your sentiment.

I am fit and although not super shredded, I am shredded :-D The dude looked nothing like Thor other than messy hair and juiced up. I can not compete as enjoy testicular function and also, sleep/rest is not adequate despite immaculate training and good diet. I guess that is also something that pisses me of. Any one of us could stop providing and turn into a chump with plenty of rest. low income but super shredded body and attitude to mess.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
511 Posts
We just don't want you to rugsweep it, even if you choose to stay with her.
She must deal with that point of vulnerability.
If you rugsweep, it will always be an issue in your mind.
Dude, truth. This was my husband. On all things, rug sweep. 😔 don’t do it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
539 Posts
Nothing new to report, other than absolute change in the women in front of me.

I am still divorcing in terms of paperwork, we shall see what happens after that point.

This board has kept my mind straight and hope that I can continue to post with progress.

TinyTbone - you are right, just need to let this **** go.
You are British. A British male. In other words you are screwed. She is going to do everything she can to slay you in court. British courts don't give a damn about husbands/fathers. I have read stories here on TAM about British men going through divorce and how they literally lose everything... it curdles the blood.

Please please please make sure you hire the best solicitor you can afford. I do not envy you my friend. You a are about to enter hell.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
80 Posts
Discussion Starter · #232 ·
You are British. A British male. In other words you are screwed. She is going to do everything she can to slay you in court. British courts don't give a damn about husbands/fathers. I have read stories here on TAM about British men going through divorce and how they literally lose everything... it curdles the blood.

Please please please make sure you hire the best solicitor you can afford. I do not envy you my friend. You a are about to enter hell.
You are correct of course.

I started preparing 3 months ago financially prior to petition, this will continue.

The cost and damage is eye watering.

Stage 1 has been filed, my wife has agreed to financial settlement with her foregoing claim. The issue is family court - they will still insist upon a slaughtering of me financially.
I have not told her that and she is currently insistent on taking noting and returning whatever is apportioned. I have heard that one before though 🤥

A court telling me what to do with my own cash and property, does not sit well with me.

At the moment I have decided on reconciliation. Due to a monumental level of shift in attitude and outlook from WW. She has been around to my parents and explained, apologised to them etc. And taken every active step possible to at least make the best out of her disgraceful situation.

We shall see. I have now read to many posts here and received far to many good pieces of advice in this thread to be anything other than devious in my actions to better my own personal outcome.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,999 Posts
You are correct of course.

I started preparing 3 months ago financially prior to petition, this will continue.

The cost and damage is eye watering.

Stage 1 has been filed, my wife has agreed to financial settlement with her foregoing claim. The issue is family court - they will still insist upon a slaughtering of me financially.
I have not told her that and she is currently insistent on taking noting and returning whatever is apportioned. I have heard that one before though 🤥

A court telling me what to do with my own cash and property, does not sit well with me.

At the moment I have decided on reconciliation. Due to a monumental level of shift in attitude and outlook from WW. She has been around to my parents and explained, apologised to them etc. And taken every active step possible to at least make the best out of her disgraceful situation.

We shall see. I have now read to many posts here and received far to many good pieces of advice in this thread to be anything other than devious in my actions to better my own personal outcome.
I wish you the best of luck, seriously. Even though I feel like zero tolerance is the way to go for infidelity, there is always a part of my heart that wants to see a couple find a way to stay together, happily. That last part is important. You have to be able to get to a point where you are happy and content in your marriage. I hope you can find a way back to that point and I'm glad you are seeing what you need to in your wife to allow you to head down that path.
 
221 - 233 of 233 Posts
Top