Talk About Marriage banner
181 - 200 of 233 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
80 Posts
Discussion Starter · #181 ·
You’re acting like a chump in true fashion. You have got to read Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life. Buy yourself a book instead. While you’re at it, buy Cheating in a Nutshell too.
I have read them. The books are useless. As I already know what needs to be done. I am just running through the significant financial and parenting issues in my mind at the moment. But I hear you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
80 Posts
Discussion Starter · #183 ·
As a further reality check, she may have been a relatively model wife
It's possible to act in a model fashion, but have internal conflicts that you're always having to keep in check because you're damaged.
This is getting closer to the crux again I believe. She is kidding herself also. It is going to be a lesson for sure.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,504 Posts
They 100% would, with through. I can not see reconciliation being viable. I may be astounded, but I never have before so.....
I tried reconciliation after a cheating ex once. She pretended she would do better but in reality she actually upped her cheating game. She got more sneaky about it and did it much more often. After it was over, I just felt like a colossal idiot. If I had to do it all again, I'd walk away immediately. That's what I suggest to everyone.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
15,931 Posts
I have read them. The books are useless. As I already know what needs to be done. I am just running through the significant financial and parenting issues in my mind at the moment. But I hear you.
You won’t be the first to have trouble making a decision. It’s truly a life altering position to be put in. Thats why a lot stay without thinking it through. R stands for rugsweep more than reconciliation from what I’ve seen.
The problem is having to live with this long term. Not to mention if it happens again. The capability is there. You can waste a lot of time and life you can’t get back.
You should never trust anyone 100% but under these circumstances …….
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
80 Posts
Discussion Starter · #186 ·
I tried reconciliation after a cheating ex once. She pretended she would do better but in reality she actually upped her cheating game. She got more sneaky about it and did it much more often. After it was over, I just felt like a colossal idiot. If I had to do it all again, I'd walk away immediately. That's what I suggest to everyone.
The idea of being in that position is horrifying. I find it difficult in this situation as if I say something = I mean it and it is done. Getting the mind around it is out of the ball park.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
80 Posts
Discussion Starter · #187 ·
You won’t be the first to have trouble making a decision. It’s truly a life altering position to be put in. Thats why a lot stay without thinking it through. R stands for rugsweep more than reconciliation from what I’ve seen.
The problem is having to live with this long term. Not to mention if it happens again. The capability is there. You can waste a lot of time and life you can’t get back.
You should never trust anyone 100% but under these circumstances …….
At 44 myself, I do not need to waste good years. I would have a pretty cool time alone, seriously.

The rug sweep comment is forefront here, I have read extensively and most are just that. I do not believe the emotional or intellectual capability exists in most people of this ilk, to grasp, let alone actually action a true reconciliation.

I could do it. But I was falling into the trap of facilitating through me, which is not in any way ok.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
15,931 Posts
At 44 myself, I do not need to waste good years. I would have a pretty cool time alone, seriously.

The rug sweep comment is forefront here, I have read extensively and most are just that. I do not believe the emotional or intellectual capability exists in most people of this ilk, to grasp, let alone actually action a true reconciliation.

I could do it. But I was falling into the trap of facilitating through me, which is not in any way ok.
The betrayer does not see it the same as the betrayed. It meant nothing to betray you or they wouldn’t have done it in the first place. They can’t feel what you’re feeling.
Now that is probably different with someone who has full remorse. Which from what I’ve seen is rare. How do you know? Bending over backwards to try and make you feel safe. Not lying, hiding or denying. Working on their boundaries. Going out of their way to stay in a safe place or mode.
However, you really can’t tell for sure.
A lot fall for the ‘I’m sorry I got caught’ because they want to see it. Many think that if they confront it’ll end when it’s not uncommon to go deeper underground. Or it’s fine for a year maybe two or five and they end up going through it again.
Many are looking for any straw to not make a decision. Real common.
You’ll hear do this do that when you should be looking at actions to determine Isfahan it’s worth the risk. Even with everything lined up there are no guarantees.
You must do everything to save the marriage? Why? If the marriage was so damn important why did the betrayer piss all over it?
If someone intentionally harms you there’s a good chance they’ll do it again. Is the risk with it?
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
11,129 Posts
The betrayer does not see it the same as the betrayed. It meant nothing to betray you or they wouldn’t have done it in the first place. They can’t feel what you’re feeling.
Now that is probably different with someone who has full remorse. Which from what I’ve seen is rare. How do you know? Bending over backwards to try and make you feel safe. Not lying, hiding or denying. Working on their boundaries. Going out of their way to stay in a safe place or mode.
However, you really can’t tell for sure.
A lot fall for the ‘I’m sorry I got caught’ because they want to see it. Many think that if they confront it’ll end when it’s not uncommon to go deeper underground. Or it’s fine for a year maybe two or five and the end up going through it again.
Many are looking for any straw to not make a decision. Real common.
You’ll hear do this do that when you should be looking at actions to determine Isfahan it’s worth the risk. Even with everything lined up there are no guarantees.
You must do everything to save the marriage? Why? If the marriage was so damn important why did the betrayer piss all over it?
If someone intentionally harms you there’s a good chance they’ll do it again. Is the risk with it?
Don't forget the suicide threats. As soon as I see that I know they're dealing with something highly manipulative and they're wasting their time. One who resorts to that isn't capable of doing the work involved in true reconciliation.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
15,931 Posts
Don't forget the suicide threats. As soon as I see that I know they're dealing with something highly manipulative and they're wasting their time. One who resorts to that isn't capable of doing the work involved in true reconciliation.
Very true. IMO you turn them over to the proper health officials and get it on record immediately.
They shouldn’t be around young kids in that state. Plus you’ll see very quickly it was manipulation.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
80 Posts
Discussion Starter · #191 ·
Don't forget the suicide threats. As soon as I see that I know they're dealing with something highly manipulative and they're wasting their time. One who resorts to that isn't capable of doing the work involved in true reconciliation.
I managed to talk about her multiple breakdowns and got a confession without her realising it last night. WW claimed when she she was wailing sorry and telling me the pain was so bad whilst trying to stab herself with scissors in the gut to make it stop as her inner voice was screaming she deserves to die for the hurt she has caused etc - That she knocked the phone out of my hand as I was calling 999 and she panicked........Kinda sums that one up.

She does everything on paper. (exception the suicide manipulation)

The second Gym issue, I allowed the gym visit as it is a family gym and not in anyway the same thing as where and what occurred. After advice here, she should not have asked I agree. After advice here WW should not have even looked at another dude.

After the advice and perspectives here, I went to the gym with her the weekend and noted behaviours. What a ****ing surprise TAM was correct it is a meat market of sexual undertone for 50% of people.

Wife was eye ****ed by a dozen guys of an hour.

The suicide issue is tricky though, her words are always regarding not living with damage to me. I can't help think it is due to falling from a pedestal and not being able to hide any more in plain sight.

She is depressed and all over the place 24/7

This passes into dreams and nightmares of spirals and suicides multiple times per night.

But then she has a huge amount to lose.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,564 Posts
The betrayer does not see it the same as the betrayed. It meant nothing to betray you or they wouldn’t have done it in the first place. They can’t feel what you’re feeling.
Sticky material there.

What betrayed spouses don't seem to understand is that if their spouse will break his or her most sacred vows to forsake all others, breaking a subsequent vow to forsake all others "for real this time" is much easier.

If she commits suicide, that's on her. OP didn't cause any of these problems, so far as we know from what he has written here.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
80 Posts
Discussion Starter · #195 ·
Sticky material there.

What betrayed spouses don't seem to understand is that if their spouse will break his or her most sacred vows to forsake all others, breaking a subsequent vow to forsake all others "for real this time" is much easier.

If she commits suicide, that's on her. OP didn't cause any of these problems, so far as we know from what he has written here.
It is a sobering sentence by Marc878.

She wrote a few words down over the weekend. She claims I tortured her mentally and tore her apart. Because I told her we were finished unless she found a miraculous ability to reconcile . . . . . "That kind of abuse" Calmly, those exact words.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
464 Posts
It is a sobering sentence by Marc878.

She wrote a few words down over the weekend. She claims I tortured her mentally and tore her apart. Because I told her we were finished unless she found a miraculous ability to reconcile . . . . . "That kind of abuse" Calmly, those exact words.
She's dumping it all on you.
That suggests that she isn't at a point of developing insight for herself.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,552 Posts
It is a sobering sentence by Marc878.

She wrote a few words down over the weekend. She claims I tortured her mentally and tore her apart. Because I told her we were finished unless she found a miraculous ability to reconcile . . . . . "That kind of abuse" Calmly, those exact words.
I guess ducking a gym rat for months abd expecting you to swallow that **** Sam much and stay with her…… then basically feigning suicide to force you to stay……
That’s not abuse, right?
Yeah, your wife’s perspective is only that of an extremely entitled cheater that’s pulling out all the stops to keep her comfortable life, with zero regard for the pain she’s caused and still causing you.
This leopard just can’t keep her spots from bleeding through the spray paint.
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
11,129 Posts
I managed to talk about her multiple breakdowns and got a confession without her realising it last night. WW claimed when she she was wailing sorry and telling me the pain was so bad whilst trying to stab herself with scissors in the gut to make it stop as her inner voice was screaming she deserves to die for the hurt she has caused etc - That she knocked the phone out of my hand as I was calling 999 and she panicked........Kinda sums that one up.

She does everything on paper. (exception the suicide manipulation)

The second Gym issue, I allowed the gym visit as it is a family gym and not in anyway the same thing as where and what occurred. After advice here, she should not have asked I agree. After advice here WW should not have even looked at another dude.

After the advice and perspectives here, I went to the gym with her the weekend and noted behaviours. What a ****ing surprise TAM was correct it is a meat market of sexual undertone for 50% of people.

Wife was eye ****ed by a dozen guys of an hour.

The suicide issue is tricky though, her words are always regarding not living with damage to me. I can't help think it is due to falling from a pedestal and not being able to hide any more in plain sight.

She is depressed and all over the place 24/7

This passes into dreams and nightmares of spirals and suicides multiple times per night.

But then she has a huge amount to lose.
It's not tricky at all. The big show right in front of you is designed to bring focus to her as the victim. Its a control tactic.

Next time tell her you need the bathroom and leave the room, then get your cell out and call 911. See if the suicide threats continue.

This is one phony manipulative you know what and is not a good prospect for reconciliation. But we all get that this is your life so the decision is yours....just know what you're getting.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,999 Posts
The suicide issue is tricky though, her words are always regarding not living with damage to me. I can't help think it is due to falling from a pedestal and not being able to hide any more in plain sight.

She is depressed and all over the place 24/7

This passes into dreams and nightmares of spirals and suicides multiple times per night.

But then she has a huge amount to lose.
Honestly I doubt she is truly upset about the hurt she caused you. She is only upset that her world is falling apart. If she really is concerned about the hurt she cause you, just tell her it was a blessing. She showed who she really is and gave you your freedom from someone whose true character you really never knew until now. She opened your eyes to what was always there, but she kept hidden.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
15,931 Posts
It is a sobering sentence by Marc878.

She wrote a few words down over the weekend. She claims I tortured her mentally and tore her apart. Because I told her we were finished unless she found a miraculous ability to reconcile . . . . . "That kind of abuse" Calmly, those exact words.
It is a sobering sentence by Marc878.

She wrote a few words down over the weekend. She claims I tortured her mentally and tore her apart. Because I told her we were finished unless she found a miraculous ability to reconcile . . . . . "That kind of abuse" Calmly, those exact words.
She cheated. So what! You just need to get over it. You have no right to end the marriage. Muffin deserves a do over. At your expense of course because she’s so worth it. She only screwed her new boyfriend for 3 months. (If you can believe what she says).
 
181 - 200 of 233 Posts
Top