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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My wife and I (dependent child 5 y/o)

are attempting to move forward toward reconciliation after her being caught red handed in a highly sexual affair with a Personal trainer during one on one studio sessions. This was ongoing for 3 months and involved significant planing and disrespect. Making it worse the scum bag guy was also a fake ' Good Buddy'.

I think I will need to post in coping with infidelity shortly also.

When caught out, she was immediately sorry, cut all contact and the usual begged to stay routine. Became suicidal and over ridden with grief and upset. Although this was after caught.....

She blames herself and claims an otherwise stellar marriage with great relationship, sex and needs being met. But has identified feeling inferior to myself (no reason from my part) and a need for attention and lust for something new in the affair fog, although it was only ever supposed to be physical she developed feelings, claiming it was not love but still sufficient to escalate to full penetration no protection because it was fun and hot.

That is a brief part of back story.

Move forward a few months and her mental health is not ideal, but a lot better, as long as I am careful not to push with discussions on what happened, although all information is disclosed as I request and is honest from what can be ascertained (potential manipulation??).

Moving to last night

Wife comes back from Gym - a different gym that is busy and standard. no connection with affair partner etc.

And notes that the "hot guy at gym that looks like Thor" spoke to her.

Apparently:

W/W: Standing between squat sets
Gym Rat: Walks over to Weight Rack behind
W/W: Sorry am I in your way whilst removing headphones (as he was looking for some weights...)
Gym Rat: Looking for 20's
W/W: Oh I have them - But no way p off are you messing with me?
Gym Rat: No why (smirk)
W/W: As you can lift much heavier than that
Gym Rat: No srs I need the 20's but you can lift 25 easily on squat!
W/W: Oh ok - takes 25 from him and passes 20 kg to him
Gym Rat: After his set in busy gym - comes over and fist bumps W/W see you can do it boom!
W/W: ha ha yea thanks
Gym Rat: Yea what you squat in squat rack?
W/W: 30 - 50 as back is weak link.
Gym Rat: You can do more than that and starts talking belts and shooting small talk
W/W: Oh ok se you (places headphones back in)

Now the above outside of reconciliation is enough to warrant a sharp talk between us regards boundaries. She knows too well about the birds and bees.

Being in England - in large commercial Gyms, we do not small talk and in fact eye contact is weird or not really a done thing. Girls are never really being talked to, certainly by strangers. (I work out hard 6 days per week).

The guy was hitting on her and I am not particular concerned either way on that under typical circumstances, as we can only manage our own actions and not others.

My wife returns home and explains the above to me. Now I am struggling and really triggered and angry.

The main reason I think, is that the location - Gym and connection of this activity to her cheating ways.

But also wife thinks she had been 'good' and set up strong boundaries.

If I was standing in the same position and when the other girls in the gym are standing in that position etc - they simply ignore those around and conversation does not happen, if it does occur it would transpire as "I will have finished the 20's finished in 5 dude" the end.

From my point, I am thinking:

So the guy you found hot and looks like Thor (he does not in any way) happened to speak and chat up, trying to escalate with you in a gym. A married women in supposed reconciliation, whilst not hitting on the myriad of other largely single women in the place. What a coincidence ehhh? You shut him down by being polite and allowing escalation and a bit of pick up skills practice in terms of touch escalation with fist bumping.

Ok sounds completely legitimate.

Any thoughts on this to help?
 

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This may not be what you want to hear but as a former serial dater I honestly believe I picked up more women in gyms than anywhere else.
Your wife has you walking on eggshells around her, you’re afraid to talk about her affair. She’s ripe for another one I think and because she got away Scott free the first time she’s pretty sure that you’re not going to do anything.
 

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She was only sorry she got caught. Regret is different than remorse. Temporary fix it mode won’t last.
Fog? She knew exactly what she was doing. All the planning and deceit is a choice/decision. Fog from what I’ve seen is an excuse. They normally wouldn’t do this😢. Usually the only one in the fog is the betrayed spouse.
There will always be other guys around. Repeated infidelity is not uncommon. Plus she obviously didn’t learn anything and has no boundaries.
True reconciliations are rare. Rugsweeping is common which is where you are.
 

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This may not be what you want to hear but as a former serial dater I honestly believe I picked up more women in gyms than anywhere else.
Your wife has you walking on eggshells around her, you’re afraid to talk about her affair. She’s ripe for another one I think and because she got away Scott free the first time she’s pretty sure that you’re not going to do anything.
Yep, you’re only a chump if you allow it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
If she is really intent on preventing another affair, she should be working out at home. Is there room in your house to set something up?

There are a lot of good equipment and computer programs these days.
Thanks for comment. Are we saying that basically never to be trusted? Or that trust takes a long time to earn or what. I am trying to understand the benefit of not leaving the house alone at this stage. I take your advice as intended for sure, just trying to understand the entire picture from experience of others?
 

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Thanks for comment. Are we saying that basically never to be trusted? Or that trust takes a long time to earn or what. I am trying to understand the benefit of not leaving the house alone at this stage. I take your advice as intended for sure, just trying to understand the entire picture from experience of others?
If she is vulnerable to attention from men, that needs to be dealt with. She's already cheated on you. For her, attention from men may be like a bottle of booze to an alcoholic. That needs to be circumvented otherwise she will likely cheat again at some point.

I'm not suggesting trying to trap her, but would you suggest allowing an alcoholic to go to the bars and just resist temptation?
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
This may not be what you want to hear but as a former serial dater I honestly believe I picked up more women in gyms than anywhere else.
Your wife has you walking on eggshells around her, you’re afraid to talk about her affair. She’s ripe for another one I think and because she got away Scott free the first time she’s pretty sure that you’re not going to do anything.

I know. I hear you. Been there myself, which is ironic in a way.

By Scott free - can you point to how you suggest it works to help me better understand. She is a model wife in every other aspect except the cheating which kinda offsets everything good by a huge magnitude. What does the cost or penance look like?

I have only touched the surface regards the aftermath and work she has undertaken, due to time and wishing to get opinion on this specific point.

I think you guys know what I am seeing straight away with the interaction and the issue with her telling me straight away ?
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Yep, you’re only a chump if you allow it.
I have dealt with solicitor and divorce petition today. It likely will not go the way she expects unless I get better understanding on this specific point.

My 1st wife went the same way and was divorced filed and out my. house within the month, zero contact again from me ever.

but yes - a chump until not. But it is over by that point and I need to work on that.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
If she is vulnerable to attention from men, that needs to be dealt with. She's already cheated on you. For her, attention from men may be like a bottle of booze to an alcoholic. That needs to be circumvented otherwise she will likely cheat again at some point.

I'm not suggesting trying to trap her, but would suggest allowing to an alcoholic to go to the bars and just resist temptation?
I hear you and I am getting that now with your analogy.

Strange is she can shut of emotionally to guys completely. Not a single crap or contact to OM but that is one example. So seems you have a good point. She is about her and her validation. A use for the contact as an addict uses.

Not sure I can be doing this in honesty.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
In all other aspects she has been contrite, hence current patience.

Remorseful and ripped apart over hurting myself. But who know what is real. Dealing with people that can not be trusted.

It is the fact that she tells me about this, thinking it was a good example. I lost my cool admittedly at the notion that she was trying to cuckold me directly? She again is crying and begging all night, which is just irritating the hell out of me.
 

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My wife and I (dependent child 5 y/o)

are attempting to move forward toward reconciliation after her being caught red handed in a highly sexual affair with a Personal trainer during one on one studio sessions. This was ongoing for 3 months and involved significant planing and disrespect. Making it worse the scum bag guy was also a fake ' Good Buddy'.

I think I will need to post in coping with infidelity shortly also.

When caught out, she was immediately sorry, cut all contact and the usual begged to stay routine. Became suicidal and over ridden with grief and upset. Although this was after caught.....

She blames herself and claims an otherwise stellar marriage with great relationship, sex and needs being met. But has identified feeling inferior to myself (no reason from my part) and a need for attention and lust for something new in the affair fog, although it was only ever supposed to be physical she developed feelings, claiming it was not love but still sufficient to escalate to full penetration no protection because it was fun and hot.

That is a brief part of back story.

Move forward a few months and her mental health is not ideal, but a lot better, as long as I am careful not to push with discussions on what happened, although all information is disclosed as I request and is honest from what can be ascertained (potential manipulation??).

Moving to last night

Wife comes back from Gym - a different gym that is busy and standard. no connection with affair partner etc.

And notes that the "hot guy at gym that looks like Thor" spoke to her.

Apparently:

W/W: Standing between squat sets
Gym Rat: Walks over to Weight Rack behind
W/W: Sorry am I in your way whilst removing headphones (as he was looking for some weights...)
Gym Rat: Looking for 20's
W/W: Oh I have them - But no way p off are you messing with me?
Gym Rat: No why (smirk)
W/W: As you can lift much heavier than that
Gym Rat: No srs I need the 20's but you can lift 25 easily on squat!
W/W: Oh ok - takes 25 from him and passes 20 kg to him
Gym Rat: After his set in busy gym - comes over and fist bumps W/W see you can do it boom!
W/W: ha ha yea thanks
Gym Rat: Yea what you squat in squat rack?
W/W: 30 - 50 as back is weak link.
Gym Rat: You can do more than that and starts talking belts and shooting small talk
W/W: Oh ok se you (places headphones back in)

Now the above outside of reconciliation is enough to warrant a sharp talk between us regards boundaries. She knows too well about the birds and bees.

Being in England - in large commercial Gyms, we do not small talk and in fact eye contact is weird or not really a done thing. Girls are never really being talked to, certainly by strangers. (I work out hard 6 days per week).

The guy was hitting on her and I am not particular concerned either way on that under typical circumstances, as we can only manage our own actions and not others.

My wife returns home and explains the above to me. Now I am struggling and really triggered and angry.

The main reason I think, is that the location - Gym and connection of this activity to her cheating ways.

But also wife thinks she had been 'good' and set up strong boundaries.

If I was standing in the same position and when the other girls in the gym are standing in that position etc - they simply ignore those around and conversation does not happen, if it does occur it would transpire as "I will have finished the 20's finished in 5 dude" the end.

From my point, I am thinking:

So the guy you found hot and looks like Thor (he does not in any way) happened to speak and chat up, trying to escalate with you in a gym. A married women in supposed reconciliation, whilst not hitting on the myriad of other largely single women in the place. What a coincidence ehhh? You shut him down by being polite and allowing escalation and a bit of pick up skills practice in terms of touch escalation with fist bumping.

Ok sounds completely legitimate.

Any thoughts on this to help?
Your wife shouldn't be in a gym, unless it's female-only. She ruined that for herself when she cheated, and she should care enough about you to avoid the triggers and the risk.

Alternatively, you two could go to the gym together. Many gyms here have daycares, in assuming it's the same over there. If not, find a sitter or sign him up for some sort of class (martial art, sport, art, music, etc) and go then.

My wife screwed a couple of gym rats (that she didn't even meet at a gym) and she wouldn't even think about going to a gym now unless it was one of the above situations.

Move forward a few months and her mental health is not ideal, but a lot better, as long as I am careful not to push with discussions on what happened
How convenient for her :rolleyes:
 

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I hear you and I am getting that now with your analogy.

Strange is she can shut of emotionally to guys completely. Not a single crap or contact to OM but that is one example. So seems you have a good point. She is about her and her validation. A use for the contact as an addict uses.

Not sure I can be doing this in honesty.
If she balks at the idea of working out from home or a ladies only gym, she will be telling you that she intends to cheat some time in the future.

A repentant person would abide by whatever conditions are necessary to keep them from temptation.
 

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Buddy it seems that your wife’s fallback plan in any situation that makes her feel guilty is to turn on the waterworks. Think is manipulative behaviour plain and simple.
You should have gotten every last detail of her previous affair. How often they had sex, what did they do as in oral, anal etc. Did she do things with him that she won’t do with you.
You have to remember that she was only sorry when she got caught, in other words she was sorry she got caught and that’s all.
 

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Sorry you’re in this crap.
Most don’t want to end their marriage but she was the one who ended it with her affair.
Reconciliation is a remarriage. Would you marry her now?
A lot upfront don’t think longterm. Unfortunately for you this is something you have to live with permanently.
Not to mention the capability for repeated infidelity is there. Lack of trust is a huge problem.
She made a choice to cheat. You have a choice too.
I suspect like a lot the tears are for her. Not you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Your wife shouldn't be in a gym, unless it's female-only. She ruined that for herself when she cheated, and she should care enough about you to avoid the triggers and the risk.

Alternatively, you two could go to the gym together. Many gyms here have daycares, in assuming it's the same over there. If not, find a sitter or sign him up for some sort of class (martial art, sport, art, music, etc) and go then.

My wife screwed a couple of gym rats (that she didn't even meet at a gym) and she wouldn't even think about going to a gym now unless it was one of the above situations.



How convenient for her :rolleyes:

Ok, I have a handle on this notion now. I agree. Prior to this thread I was like - its a public gym and given no issues over the past decade and the fact that her infidelity was linked to a person in close closed contact over time and not by opportunistic, I let my guard down. I see that is really dumb AF. Not an inch to be given.

The mental health is a bit more of an issue, I honestly am considering having her in an ambulance next time. As I am past dealing with that. When she is restrained to a bed medicated......maybe that will give her pause for thought.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
If she balks at the idea of working out from home or a ladies only gym, she will be telling you that she intends to cheat some time in the future.

A repentant person would abide by whatever conditions are necessary to keep them from temptation.
The issue I see here is my boundaries. In fairness I can not criticise the willingness to whatever I ask. That is why I am still one foot in. But the nature of what occurred and her response makes me think that talk is cheap and that she is clueless to boundaries. Of course I pinch myself seconds later and realize that she is not and knows exactly the score on this.
 

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The devil is always in the details...Just curious , how did you catch her ?
Did you confront her affair partner ?
Unless her AP is married (always inform the other betrayed spouse) there is nothing in confronting that will benefit you. He was only taking what your wayward wife was freely giving. He’s a part of the affair but your wife is the main culprit. She knew exactly what she was doing. Every time she had unprotected sex she made that decision.
 

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The issue I see here is my boundaries. In fairness I can not criticise the willingness to whatever I ask. That is why I am still one foot in. But the nature of what occurred and her response makes me think that talk is cheap and that she is clueless to boundaries. Of course I pinch myself seconds later and realize that she is not and knows exactly the score on this.
Your boundaries, because she cheated, are whatever you want to impose upon her in order to stay in the marriage.
 
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