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Discussion Starter #1
I am one of those people that remember every little detail from my past. Or at least better then most people. Some times when doing a little soul searching I think about some really old crap. Things that bothered me that never got resolved. I just hate unresolved crap, big or small, I like to know the answer even if it hurts me.

Yeah now to the stupid thing..... Just before my wife started dating me she went out with this guy. She wrote his name on her shoes, you know the "I heart xyz," We dated for three years and these stupid shoes bugged me. She gave me an excuse that these shoes were special to her because her grandmother gave them to her, they were just sneakers. I bought her other sneakers but for some reason they were never as comfortable. Anyways about eight years later her ex boyfriend was is town and wanted to visit (five years after we married.) She was still wearing these shoes, never seen a pair last so long. So anyways before he showed up I joked with her that perhaps she could wear these shoes for him since she always had them on anyways.

So anyways, she always said that it was no big deal about these shoes but it always bugged me she was going every place with some other guys name on her shoes, even years after we married. You want to talk about a turn off.... Hey babe lets head up stairs, lay back, let me take those shoes off...Umm never mind. I was always belittled for bringing this subject up so I stopped. I do not understand why she could not just get creative and put my name on them instead. Looking back on her other actions and the way she has treated me I wonder why she is with me? Am I somebody she just settled for?

What do you guys think? This is how most of my marriage is. Always discounting my feelings. Am I a too sensitive guy?
 

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Sounds to me like she still has strong feelings for the other guy amd no respect for you.

How much is she in contact with the ex?

Did she end up wearing the shoes you suggested?
 

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I also would find it hurtful, if you are sensitive here, you are also the type that is sensitive to her needs as well...should any woman complain. I think not.

Sounds like she takes you for granted. You are probably too good to her. A Nice Guy.

And it's more than just about the sneakers -because of what you said here >>
CrazyGuy said: Looking back on her other actions and the way she has treated me I wonder why she is with me? Am I somebody she just settled for?
It's very disheartening to feel this way.

What does she do that allows you feel loved, wanted, appreciated as her husband, the father of her children?
 

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That to me is VERY hurtful and it's true she has no respect for you. She cares more about the shoes than she does you.
 

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His name on her shoes AND she won't get rid of them? Crazy. I don't care if grandma did give them to her.

I don't think you are wrong to feel hurt by that if she never removed his name, and I think you'd have good reason to put your foot down on the matter - literally.
 

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If it bothers you it bothers you, speak up and don't be silent. Don't ever not share your feelings out of fear or acquiescence.

If you share your feelings, why it bothers you, and she doesn't do anything about it, you know where you stand.

This post confirms you are a "nice guy", and are therefore sentenced to reading "No more mr. nice guy."
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Sounds to me like she still has strong feelings for the other guy and no respect for you.

How much is she in contact with the ex?

Did she end up wearing the shoes you suggested?
The other guy came to our home with his wife and newborn. I was not threatened and was comfortable. He lives on the opposite coast. No she did not wear the shoes. Mind that this happened ages ago.

This is a pattern i always noticed though. She would send me great love notes in my lunch box or hide them in very creative ways so I would find them during the day, but when I would get home it would be hands off, she would be in a bad mood. She would say do not worry about lunch today, I will come and we will have a picnic today..... But then she would show up a 15 minutes late when I only have a 30 min break. Everything was always creative, thoughtful, yet always left me doubts. A lot of show but little action.

I know if something bugged her I would eliminate it, until recently. I tried to make it clear she was my priority but yet she always claimed that I seemed distant. As time went on things got worse. I would try to kiss her when I would go to work but she would turn her head away 95% of the time. Yet when I would get home she would have a big "I love you" in chalk covering the driveway. Of course that never lead to sex. But really this marriage has been a big mind fudge. Then we had other complications I used as excuses for things being mixed up and allowed extra time. We had a miscarriage followed by my 1st son a year later that died during birth. This was 12 years ago now.

Now comes the wonderful Facebook era. Again on Facebook she would post thank you, love you, huggy hug smoooch smooch gooey stuff. Never mind reality though, in person there is no affection. If I friend a female from years ago it is a big deal and she is jealous. An example is somebody I knew for a long time and carpooled together when I went to college. We never kissed or even dated. Yet she hates that this woman is on my friend list. I have absolutely no ex-girlfriends on my list. Her list does have at least four or possible more ex-boyfriends. The guy with his name on her shoes, her prom date, and another's. But to her she just tells me these are people that she has great memories of and she does not like them "that way." I know there has been messages in the past that she deleted. Recently I installed a keylogger but she has not communicated with them since and so far I do not know much.

I am always trying to figure out what the heck happened. At this point I do not know how to save this. I got to get asleep before she comes to bed. If she falls asleep first my mind will just run off with her beside me yet so far away, the next thing I know the sun is up again. So much anger built up that I do not know how to get rid of. I always tried forgive and forget, but I do not forget, things just get pilled on top of all he other crap. 20 years of rehashing everything trying to make sense of it all. I forgive but we go though the same pattern and same routine again. Yes I truly am becoming distant now, but I do not THINK I was in the past.

I know I deserve better then this. But one of my faults is that I hate open answers and it is not always about me. Hey sometimes life is not fair. I have a son that is a happy kid despite his parents situation and he loves us both.
 

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So anyways before he showed up I joked with her that perhaps she could wear these shoes for him since she always had them on anyways.
Now why did you say that? Why be passive-aggressive???

You should have not said that and maybe just tosed the sneakers in the trash one day while you were "Spring cleaning."

To wife: Oh, those shoes? I think I may have thrown them out when I revamped the shoe closet/garage, etc.

Wife: WHY would you do that????

You: Baby, you're too sexy for those shoes. I am gonna get you an awesome pair that you are going to look fabulous in. I am getting excited just thinking about it. ;)

Win-win.



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I threw out a box of 25 year old love notes to a girl my husband was with as a teen. I don't even think they went all the way! 18 months later, he still hasn't noticed.

My husband threw out his honeymoon album from his first marriage without a word from me. But it would have gone in the trash anyway, if I'd ever found it.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
...the shoes would have gone out with the trash in our house...but that's just me. I have little tolerance for mementos from past relationships....
How about her Prom picture? I know that is around yet. I guess I am way too understanding of naive.
 

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Where is the prom picture? Mine is downstairs in a box of snapshots. In fact, I saw it only yesterday! LMAO!

That's fine, IMO, unless it's being displayed in your living room, that is.
 

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Interesting point, the carrying of a previous loves name on footware. But if it upsets you then sure you can ask for then name to go or even the shoes. It smacks of wanting to relive a special time with someone else. However, just foir a tit for tat maker have you thought getting some name printed on something of yours, no matter if its made up, but still wear it "everywhere " she wears the shoes, try some temp tatoo ink on the back of the had, certainly somewhere shell see it. if asked , just be matter of fact about it and see whats her reaction. Sometimes something as silly as this, and to a degree its a young teenage thing to do including drawing hearts on tetxt books so its a growing up thing needs to be pushed infront of others for them to taste the effect it can have. Dont need to be confronational just leting others know how it all feels.
 

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Now why did you say that? Why be passive-aggressive???

You should have not said that and maybe just tosed the sneakers in the trash one day while you were "Spring cleaning."

To wife: Oh, those shoes? I think I may have thrown them out when I revamped the shoe closet/garage, etc.

Wife: WHY would you do that????

You: Baby, you're too sexy for those shoes. I am gonna get you an awesome pair that you are going to look fabulous in. I am getting excited just thinking about it. ;)

Win-win.
I thought this was passive aggressive? Am I misunderstanding? Is it just a lack of respect for your partner?

Please explain.


Edit: I do understand when things are worn or displayed. I still think these are things which need talked about, though. What about things which are not displayed but, stored away?
 

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Discussion Starter #17
Lol I got to add this. I looked at my HS yearbook. Girl I had a crush on back in middle school was all scribbled out with the word "[email protected]" under it. My wife denied doing it lol.
 

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Lol I got to add this. I looked at my HS yearbook. Girl I had a crush on back in middle school was all scribbled out with the word "[email protected]" under it. My wife denied doing it lol.
I found this to be true with my ex. There were things which I stored away and didn't bring out with her around. I only looked at them maybe 2 times in the eight and a half years we were together and then only because I was looking for something else and ran across them.

Later, I found some of these things missing. That means she had to spend her time going through stuff to "find" to hold against me. WTF??

I could have, just as easily, gone through her trunk sitting at the bottom of our bed and thrown away things which meant something to her from her past.(pics of her exH) I did not.

I talked with her and said it was okay. We all have things which bring back memories. Not all of the times were bad. As long as she wasn't "pining" for him or blatantly displaying them in front of me, I didn't care if she kept them and once in a while looked at them.

Guess I am waaaayy too understanding of her feelings?
 

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I think.... things packed away, meant to be just momentos....are fine. Things displayed, that is just crappy.

Sounds like OP's wife has no respect for him.

It's okay if SHE has some old bf's name on her shoes, and still wears them? That is creepy to begin with. Has old bf's on fb (which I don't see as a problem...since HS is a long time ago), but then is pissy about OP having a female friend on fb? She is childish in her logic.
 
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