I reread your post and I have some thoughts. At first I didn’t understand why her telling you “let me know when you want me to wear the lingerie” bothered you. And now I understand. It’s like when a wife has to tell her husband The obvious things around the house that need to be done like the dishes or taking out the trash. Do you want a partner not someone you have to tell what to do all the time.
As far as the massage goes, your wife should say no I don’t like the massage or yes I like it and I want it. She seems to have no opinion. It’s like the lights are on but no one is home. Like you’re living with somebody whose not a real person.
You are absolutely on the right track here.
The bolded portion is particularly applicable. Last night we talked some. She indicated that she can't answer those questions because she is not being herself. Who exactly is she trying to be? Something, something, reference that thing and tie it back to nothing, drift this way, then drift back...... nothing comprehensible came from this. I finally said; 'just stop. Nothing you said makes any sense and I am getting frustrated hearing you contradict what you said just minutes before'. Her response; 'I know, sorry, I am messed up'.
OP, it sounds like the famous scene from that Jennifer Aniston movie is what you're describing. It's not so much that you want her to do the dishes, but that you want her to want to do the dishes? I get that. But is your wife someone who can actually want to want to do the dishes (or loving, connected, sex in this case)?
You mentioned in your opening post on this thread that the two of you are in a Dom/sub relationship. But it also sounded like that's a kind of nebulous and half hearted arrangement. Is it possible that "let me know when you want me to do X" or "I am willing" types of comments are part and parcel of that Dom/sub dynamic? A dynamic that she's taking more seriously than you seem to be. Might she actually be a sub? One who needs you to be a Dom?
Another thought I've had while reading this thread is to wonder if your wife might be on the spectrum. I can generally spot a science/math/engineer guy by his writing or speech patterns. Y'all tend to be wired up to be exceptionally analytical. And, yet, you describe your wife as even less emotionally connected than yourself. Is there anything to indicate that very high functioning Autism (Aspergers) might be an issue here?