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Now I'm no angel, I did cheat on my wife before we actually got married like in the very beginning of our relationship... I've never done it again and I was truly sorry about it and I confessed and we moved on... Things got real heated for the next 4 years or so, and I sometimes got abusive and would put her down a lot. In March 2011 her dad passed away, me being the inconsiderate ******* I was I totally shut down on her and really didn't show much support. So she left to the funeral in Jersey, then went to her sister's house in Alabama... While there she was crying and talking to her nieces babies father while her niece was gone at school and pregnant... Long story short they both felt lonely and she really felt lonely and depressed and they ended up having sex... I knew something was wrong for a while but she never really wanted to talk, and I never really put two and two together because shortly after we actually went to her sisters wedding and she basically had me around this guy and I didn't even know... She didn't actually confess until about 1yr and 9mo later, I sometimes feel like if her niece didn't find out I still wouldn't know... But she did say she was going to tell me before 2012 ended because it has been eating at her all this time... She said she didn't tell me for so long because when she got home I totally changed for her, I stopped being abusive, when we argued I made sure I did not hit her no matter what she did to me... We fell in love again, and had the best sex ever since... Everything was going perfect, and that's when she had to tell the dark secret because she didn't want to hold on to it anymore... She said it was a one time thing, she didn't enjoy it, and stopped him early... This is confirmed because one day I was out there he told me about it, didn't quite say who it was and I didn't care, but I should have paid closer attention to the details like where and when and he put it right around that funeral and I was just basically laughin it up with him... (dumb i know lol) He also said he didn't get to do it the "way he wanted to" and she stopped him and he had to finish by himself... So for that I was pretty glad... I do believe my wife is ashamed and regrets what she did to me and her niece... Her niece of course wants nothing to do with her, and I don't blame her... But I am doing my best to be strong right now, she is not secretive and really that seems to be the one secret that I feel was the "little feeling" I was having... Now that its off her chest a lot of weight seems to be lifted and she seems even more happy... I am happy too I just feel so dumb that I didn't put it all together sooner, but then again if I had I may have done something stupid... So to me God intervened... I think another thing that eats at me is who it was and that I was in his face and how she just allowed herself to go that far... But I can't put all the blame on her because I was a real douche at the time... We are doing great now, but she notices that sometimes i get quiet and take deep breathes and she thinks its because I don't forgive her... Truth is I do, I'm just in pain... I want her to know that I will never do anything to hurt her again, and she told me she would never do anything like that again to me... I'd like to add that she is totally transparent, she doesn't hide things from me, I've always had all her passwords and she always had mine... I truly believe it was a one time mistake... I just have a hard time getting the images out my mind... We have been together 6 years now, 5 kids... We love each other I can tell, I can't be without her and she can't be without me... I really could use a pointer on moving on and stop thinking about it so we can truly enjoy our marriage the way we should... Anyone?
 

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Just wanted to add the fact that when she finally told me she swore I was either going to kill her or take the kids and hit the road... But when I forgave her she seemed to fall even more in love with me... So it's not like anything is wrong, but it is a lingering thing in my mind that I'm tired of thinking about because I know all of our worst troubles are over... We've come too far, I've changed too much, she's even changed a lot... Maybe its just too soon to forget, I just found out like last week... But being that I understand the hand I dealt in it all I feel forgiving is the right thing to do... After all she forgave me over and over every time I got out of hand... I am in no way a "nice guy"... I'm actually a lot better now than I have ever thought I could be... lol... I actually feel that if I can overcome this I can overcome anything... I just really want my marriage to work, not even just for the kids... I love this woman with all my being... And she's been my rock for a long time, I just think it's time I finally be hers as well...
 

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I really could use a pointer on moving on and stop thinking about it so we can truly enjoy our marriage the way we should... Anyone?
Marriage counseling and probably individual counseling for each of you as well.
 

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Clean your side. Anger management classes, abusive men related literature. You don't need to beat them to be still abusive.
Soul searching, find why you are this way, re learn, train yourself to be the best man you can. It will pay regardless the outcome of the marriage. Relationships are contingent, usssually end for many reasons. You will have yourself forever tough.

Then ask her to assist you in your pain.
 

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What you are doing is considered rug sweeping. You are choosing to NOT deal with her affair. I would suggest some marriage counseling so you two can properly deal with this.

It wont just go away, those images you are seeing will be coming at you for a long time. You need to know how to handle them and you need to know how to handle this affair in a healthy way. You have to face this affair and deal with your pain.
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Well, I have found myself in God and I no longer have those rage feelings... Plus I got a great update, she admitted to every little detail and was really open with me... I actually feel a lot better... No we didn't rug sweep, we are much more advanced than that, I am more in love with her than ever now that I understand and know everything... I am seeing her happy in a way I haven't seen in a long time... I think I got what I was looking for... But thank you for the responses... I think I got it from here... ;)
 
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