Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

Just need someone to talk to...

6K views 54 replies 23 participants last post by  philreag 
#1 ·
Hi...I apologize in advance for what I am sure will be a long post and is a common problem as well. Just that I honestly don't have I believe anyone to really talk with about this. My wife gave me the "I love you but not in love with you" statement a few weeks ago and stopped intimacy. Its been incredibly tough for me to deal with as it has been for countless others. A brief history on me to add some context and not seek empathy. Tough childhood riddled with poverty, parent's addictions, and physical/emotional abuse (mother tried to kill me...I am somewhat estranged from my parents). Studied my ass off, got a full scholarship, and got out. Fast forward and I met my wife around age 27. Got married and she wanted to work part time but mainly stay at home with the kids and raise them. Okay. But then our babysitting situation fell through and she had to quit so we were strapped for cash. Recession hit and I worked my ass off to make more money. Volunteered for toughest roles. It was so bad I recall my wife calling me one day asking if we had enough money in the bank to make the mortgage. From childhood my fear of poverty was awful so I threw everything I had into providing for my family. And yes, I was extremely stressed and developed and even shorter fuse and also became withdrawn. On Thanksgiving for example the family would sit at the table and talk for hours and I would make my way to the couch and sit alone and watch TV. I needed to retreat. My short fuse I should add didn't end with physical abuse on my family or anything but I would yell a lot and really sweat the small stuff. Get pissed about house not being clean, etc. Anyways, I didn't ever stop doing special things for the wife though. Always told her I loved her, brought home random gifts, spent what money I could on her, wrote notes, everything I could. Always has a new car in the driveway for her. Work just got worse and as work got worse my fuse and withdrawing did. I love my wife and won't bad mouth her (never call hr names or curse at her) but she did her own nasty things as well...like insult me, complain how her life sucks with staying home with the kids, and also make fun of me to be honest. She also told me she was withdrawing more as she is always exhausted and in truth she is going through early menopause. So I worked harder so she could get help and really felt awful that I was making ends meet to let her stay home but life sucked so bad for her. I also felt that I took my vows and was going to honor them. If her withdrawing was due to medical reasons, and that is how life is, I will make the best of it. A little more history. I am also a volunteer fireman (was always an athlete), a good one I might add, and in great shape. Recently, before my wife told me this, I saved several people that were in a horrific situation. It was really bad and we were short handed so a lot was on me. It was early in the AM and after the call I came home and just sat there as no one was awake yet (I should add that my wife kicked me out of bed a long time ago due to my snoring...but she recently told me that was not the only reason). I took it all in, the woman screaming for my help, the blood, the danger. Just sat there and a calm came over me after that. I felt like a failure for so long, couldn't make enough money, couldn't solve my wife's exhaustion, couldn't make her happy with her life. But the depression just went away. The anger was gone. I was honestly happy again. Felt worthy. And then I got slammed with the "statement" a week or so later. Work is also less stressed I might add as I finally "made it" and make serious $$$s and we can do everything we wanted now. I no longer sit there and not want people over or not socialize as I don't have to stress as much financially. But now I am in limbo. She says she needs time to think and distance with me not being all over her or lovey as I normally am. We talk so much now, make eye contact, and she walks around the house scantily clad from time to time. Just really not sure how to proceed. I believe in life that what you exude is contagious. Hence, if I exude love, passion, and happiness to my wife it will return. And in truth I was SO happy. But now it is awkward at times and to be honest my heart is broken and I feel pain like I haven't felt since our son passed away (another tragic event we had to cope with during our marriage). But I am not letting it bring me down. I don't let her see the pain anymore and I am trying to make the best of it.

I don't know...sorry for the long post...just lost my friends...
 
See less See more
#3 ·
We talk so much now, make eye contact, and she walks around the house scantily clad from time to time. Just really not sure how to proceed.
Dude she's making eye contact, she's talking to you a lot and she's walking around scantily clad.

Do you really need a stranger to tell you what to do with your talkative, eye contacting, scantily clad wife?

Opportunity is knocking and you're not answering the door because you're withdrawn on the couch.
 
#5 ·
You know...its funny. Actually not withdrawn on the couch and never was at home. Participating and tried old ways but kicked to the curb. Just weird. Was never withdrawn from her. If anything I am way more affectionate. Think she is just playing some mind games...like see if he checks me out...but when he touches me or goes to touch me I need my space...
 
#6 ·
@tailrider3

Gus is right. The story you just told has been told here often, and often the wife has found another man.

Investigate.

But beyond that, stop being a wimp. (No offense meant). Get back into you bed whether you have sex or not. Get the snoring fixed if you can. If she wants you out of the bed for other reasons then SHE can leave the bed.

It is awesome you save lives. But consider if that takes away from the family time you need to stay married, should you continue? Get your priorities set. You might have to choose between being a firefighter or a husband, or at least a husband to this wife.
 
#7 ·
Hi...I apologize in advance for what I am sure will be a long post and is a common problem as well. Just that I honestly don't have I believe anyone to really talk with about this. My wife gave me the "I love you but not in love with you" statement a few weeks ago and stopped intimacy. Its been incredibly tough for me to deal with as it has been for countless others. A brief history on me to add some context and not seek empathy. Tough childhood riddled with poverty, parent's addictions, and physical/emotional abuse (mother tried to kill me...I am somewhat estranged from my parents). Studied my ass off, got a full scholarship, and got out. Fast forward and I met my wife around age 27. Got married and she wanted to work part time but mainly stay at home with the kids and raise them. Okay. But then our babysitting situation fell through and she had to quit so we were strapped for cash. Recession hit and I worked my ass off to make more money. Volunteered for toughest roles. It was so bad I recall my wife calling me one day asking if we had enough money in the bank to make the mortgage. From childhood my fear of poverty was awful so I threw everything I had into providing for my family. And yes, I was extremely stressed and developed and even shorter fuse and also became withdrawn. On Thanksgiving for example the family would sit at the table and talk for hours and I would make my way to the couch and sit alone and watch TV. I needed to retreat. My short fuse I should add didn't end with physical abuse on my family or anything but I would yell a lot and really sweat the small stuff. Get pissed about house not being clean, etc. Anyways, I didn't ever stop doing special things for the wife though. Always told her I loved her, brought home random gifts, spent what money I could on her, wrote notes, everything I could. Always has a new car in the driveway for her. Work just got worse and as work got worse my fuse and withdrawing did. I love my wife and won't bad mouth her (never call hr names or curse at her) but she did her own nasty things as well...like insult me, complain how her life sucks with staying home with the kids, and also make fun of me to be honest. She also told me she was withdrawing more as she is always exhausted and in truth she is going through early menopause. So I worked harder so she could get help and really felt awful that I was making ends meet to let her stay home but life sucked so bad for her. I also felt that I took my vows and was going to honor them. If her withdrawing was due to medical reasons, and that is how life is, I will make the best of it. A little more history. I am also a volunteer fireman (was always an athlete), a good one I might add, and in great shape. Recently, before my wife told me this, I saved several people that were in a horrific situation. It was really bad and we were short handed so a lot was on me. It was early in the AM and after the call I came home and just sat there as no one was awake yet (I should add that my wife kicked me out of bed a long time ago due to my snoring...but she recently told me that was not the only reason). I took it all in, the woman screaming for my help, the blood, the danger. Just sat there and a calm came over me after that. I felt like a failure for so long, couldn't make enough money, couldn't solve my wife's exhaustion, couldn't make her happy with her life. But the depression just went away. The anger was gone. I was honestly happy again. Felt worthy. And then I got slammed with the "statement" a week or so later. Work is also less stressed I might add as I finally "made it" and make serious $$$s and we can do everything we wanted now. I no longer sit there and not want people over or not socialize as I don't have to stress as much financially. But now I am in limbo. She says she needs time to think and distance with me not being all over her or lovey as I normally am. We talk so much now, make eye contact, and she walks around the house scantily clad from time to time. Just really not sure how to proceed. I believe in life that what you exude is contagious. Hence, if I exude love, passion, and happiness to my wife it will return. And in truth I was SO happy. But now it is awkward at times and to be honest my heart is broken and I feel pain like I haven't felt since our son passed away (another tragic event we had to cope with during our marriage). But I am not letting it bring me down. I don't let her see the pain anymore and I am trying to make the best of it.



I don't know...sorry for the long post...just lost my friends...


Well I can tell you a few things

1. Women live in the moment and the moment is always changing. She may not feel "in love" with you now, but if you behave in the right ways she can have loving feelings for you again.

2. Women just "lose it" after they are constrained or pent up too long. That's what's happening here. She needs to "breathe" and you need to let her. Give her space , don't he needy, no relationship talk. No pressure. Pressure will jus cause her to pull away from you more.

3. Support her. If you love someone you want what's best for her. Support her in what she needs. Supporting her will make her feeeeel that you care for her. Trust me I know.

4. Be a free and loving man. That means you can love her but you can never need a woman. You love her regardless of how she feels for you. That's what free and loving is.

5. Be a strong and masculine man. Be unaffected by her moods and storms. If she's distant don't ask her why. If she's moody and down don't let it affect you. The man's role is to exude calmness, stability and be a rock that the female can trust to guide her. A strong masculine man does not let his woman's moods bring him down. He is caring, kind and nice - but never needy or pushy or controlling. Behave in this manner and she will start to trust you again.

6. More later to come :)


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
#8 ·
Thanks GTN. Really appreciate the advice. I tried to be as concise as I could be in the opening of the thread, but, I know my problem was that I became too "rough" lets say and would get pissed at everything and in her words "controlling" and made her feel less equal. I got jealous because in truth actions she took made me think and pissed me off. But you are so right on the other things about no relationship talk and stuff. You see, although I was rough, I always bought flowers, random gifts, did things around the house, cooked, cleaned, whatever (and repaired the things I would smash from time to time). So now naturally, since she is upset, I ramped it up a little as I feel bad. And of course as I have done that, and have changed my behaviors (since the accident..prior to her giving me the "statement") she told me straight out that it is having the opposite affect and to stop. She questions the sincerity. All things that I read would happen. But I tell you it is hard, being a man of action, to sit back and not do anything. They tell us all the time in the fire service that one day you will have to sit there and let something burn. It will be impossibly hard not to take action but you need to. Its a weird spot to be in. So, for now, any thoughts on the best course of action? We do sit and talk and make intense eye contact (like where we stare at each other straight in the face for what seems like forever). I plan to still be polite and have basic conversations, like how was your day?, but don't want to further push her away.
 
#9 ·
Well first women need to feel "free"
So any controlling behavior , whether it comes with gifts and kind gestures - will doom you.

What you have to do now is absorb and support, and not be needy. No anger, no questions, no pressure.

Make her feel free but at the same time support her.

You can be kind and caring but it has to be not overdone. Your goal now is to now is to simply make her feel comfortable and relaxed and calm. So that she feels safe and relaxed being around you.

At the same time, no neediness, no pushy or clingy behavior.

And you must show no jealousy and no spying. Be unaffected by what she does. A woman can't trust a insecure and weak man.

Next phase comes after this. You must master this first


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
#11 ·
Women need a calm, strong and stable man.

Erratic and emotional men cause them to cycle. Cycle meaning have emotional ups and downs.

Women can't handle pressure like men. And their feeling of being "safe" is much different as well. Erratic and angry behavior from a man makes them instinctively feel "non safe" and of course then they can't trust you either.

You just be cunning and smart here. Anger and "action" will not do the trick.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
#13 ·
GTNBoom gave you good advice, this is exactly what you should do while you're investigating. Do not under any circumstances assume you understand your situation and try to fix it without verifying she hasn't brought another person in. What you do to fix it if she's cheating is pretty much the opposite of what you do to fix it if she's not.
 
#14 ·
Do investigate to try and find out if there is indeed another man in the mix.

It sounds to me like your wife NEEDS to work. Are all your children in school full time? If so, then she should find a job, even if it is part time.

While I commend you for your change in attitude, your wife may still very well be traumatized by your past anger issues. I know I would be. I WAS, actually...I managed to marry TWO men with anger issues. (divorced both) She may not trust that the angry man is gone. See if she would go to counseling with you to at least TRY to fix things.
 
#15 ·
So...quick update. Have taken some professional and layman advice which I appreciate on both ends. Things have gotten WAY better in the past few weeks. I have tried to my utmost to practice patience and respect her space as well as remain calm (which has actually been really easy since I saved those folks back in August). As opposed to my normal self who would just pick up my wife and carry her like a cave man, or tell her how beautiful she is regularly (she's a model...its really hard for me not to...seriously) I have been all business but not in a cold sort of way. In turn, she has actually come around to me and now initiates conversation, sits and watches TV with me, etc. I don't believe that there is another man but I do believe that someone was whispering in her head about how bad I was and to move along to be happy. In truth, I did give her **** about things I thought were reasonable but with the stress of work and stuff probably did go overboard. My personality got amplified and not in the best way...I am aggressive, disciplined, and a perfectionist (maybe the German in me) and hold a high bar for myself and others. I can be cold, rough, and non-sympathetic and I realize that is fine around the guys but with the women not so much.

It has been really hard to change but so far so good. One thing though that does tick me off is that I have always been tough and independent and never need help from her unless I am totally incapacitated (like after surgery). But i recently had some medical tests done that of course can be nothing or indicate I have some serious issues. Given my high protein diet and creatine supplementation they came back a little whacky and I have to go for additional analysis. Not once did she ask about the tests and the results. I know she forgot especially now given our issues, but, this is how it has always been. And in truth...everyone tends to treat me that way given my stature and personality...he's fine, he doesn't need help he's a man (actual quote from my FD officer during a call) but with the family I take it as disrepectful and uncaring.

We'll see...as they say...that which does not kill me only makes me stronger. Thanks again for listening and for the support.
 
#16 ·
How do you know she isn't cheating? Did you verify this, or is this more oh she would never do something like that?

"I love you but I'm not in love with you" is the basic cheater's motto.

I'm late to the party, you were given advice immediately that she could be cheating but I noticed you purposely DIDNT address those comments from posters who suggested it. Tells me you would rather bury your head in the sand than find out the truth.

look, she may be cheating, she may not. But do yourself a favor and reasonably investigate. You yourself just said somebody could be whispering sweet nothings into her ear about you. That in and of itself is a big red flag- she's taking energy she should be spending on you on this person instead.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#18 ·
Three things. First, how much do you communicate? About all kinds of things. You should be discussing everything.

Two, get this book and read it, to understand how your marriage is supposed to go. His Needs Her Needs.

Three, women typically like to be needed. Unless she's just totally not typical, it would make her feel good to be able to help you in some ways.
 
#19 ·
Actually, I did a lot of investigation but did not get into it here for various reasons. ALL of the basics checked out. The cell phone is locked up with fingerprint security for good reason and I don't access her accounts. Been toying with a PI but still thinking about it. Personally, sounds like one of the girlfriends was whispering in her ear but you never know for sure unless you go deep...hmmmm....
 
#22 ·
All good points. I totally think my marriage is worth saving unless she cheated as that is my personal line. Actually, we always communicated pretty openly about things and would joke/kid one another. Looking back though, I could see the joking/kidding being less playful and, as she knows how to push my buttons, more hurtful (which I would react to...ain't a doormat). She is an awesome person and a great mother so totally worth the effort although I admittedly struggle from time to time.

With regards to needs, she comes across all rough and tumble as she is very fit but inside she is very delicate and gentle. For instance, if there is an issue and confrontation is needed, even the smallest like arguing over a bill, she would ask me to do it which is fine. My needs in general though rank pretty low on the order of things because of the way I am and her personality. I'd say its kids, her family, her fitness, then me. If we had a pet it would replace me or at least that's how I feel. And yes...I told her this as well.

We'll see how/if things change after all of this...and thanks to all for your thoughts thus far...
 
#40 ·
My needs in general though rank pretty low on the order of things because of the way I am and her personality. I'd say its kids, her family, her fitness, then me. If we had a pet it would replace me or at least that's how I feel. And yes...I told her this as well.

We'll see how/if things change after all of this...and thanks to all for your thoughts thus far...
I see my younger self in you. Being retired military and a rough and tumble character, I pushed my wife's feelings aside for years.

We were/are not compatible in so many areas. Neither are you two. But, now you are willing to try. Good!

Age has slowed me down. However, my Peter Pan character refuses to leave [the building that nestles in my thick skull].

Your wife's priorities? Kids, her family, her fitness, phantom dog?

Call this her "order of precedence". These positions have been established and adhered to for a good reason. They make sense.I approve of her priorities. She is being thoughtful.

Why aren't you on that list? You are. You told us that you are at the end. That is where you wanted to be...........before. But, not now.

She can count on you for the important things. You are stable and dependable. She has plenty to worry about without you being a priority.

This sounds cold. It is cold. But you bought the refrigerator, dragged it down to the Man Cave and climbed in.

Solution: Be more vulnerable, friendly, attentive. Don't smother her, don't take her for granted. These have been hard things for me [to do]. They will likely be hard for you, also.

It was worth it to me. Be worth it to her...and to yourself.

As far as her cheating? Trust but verify. Be low key in any snooping.

I wish you well.

Good Luck, Happy Thanksgiving.
 
#24 ·
One thing to remember about being the spouse who 'doesn't need as much' - attention, kudos, affection, kind words, whatever: the other person, who DOES need more, will LET you not need as much. And will nearly always start spreading over into your 'territory' in terms of who gets the bulk of the attention/kudos/affection/words/whatever. Maybe subconsciously, but it still happens. So the 'lesser need' person starts getting shafted - and resentful.

Bottom line, it's fine that you're not high maintenance. But for your sake, and for the sake of the marriage, you have to keep an eye on that balance.

Have you read No More Mr Nice Guy yet?
 
#26 ·
Thanks and sorry for the late reply. No...haven't read the book yet and you are right about your attention comments.

As an update, to be honest, things are going well and I have been practicing a lot of what my "coach" has been saying: even keeled, not needy, give space, etc. I'm shocked that it actually is working. Here comes my pity party, lol....but the hardest thing for me, right now as I type, is that I just came back from 3 alarms back to back to back. One was serious and another could have been. Sitting alone as everyone is still asleep (I started at 4am) it is really hard to think my wife and I did not say "I Love you..." before bed as we normally would and I could have died. Tough and tough not to give her a hug when she gets up soon as that just washes away the stress I just went through. We are so close to that point again and I can see it in her eyes and actions. Just hard.

Oh well...going to take my pre-workout and toss around some iron...

Thanks again everyone. The TAM community has been so helpful for me and I appreciate it.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top