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Just Married, but husband confessed to past cheating.

1777 Views 5 Replies 5 Participants Last post by  WhiskeyJab
We have been together for 10 years. High School sweethearts and just got married less than a month ago. About 4 years ago we went through a rough patch, that admittedly lasted for a long time. About a year.
He had a female friend that he would hang out with all the time. Work sucked, money problems had us living in a small house with 7 other people, he needed to get away. I understood, but wished it wasn't with a woman he had a crush on before me in high school. I asked him to stop, he wouldn't. This was the strain on our relationship for me. I cried and cried and begged him not to go, every time he swore there was nothing going on. About three years ago he stopped talking to her and everything got better. We healed, became stronger, and I tried to forget. I still thought about those times, but I would cry I needed to and move on. Last year we were deliriously happy, and he asked me to marry him. On our 10th anniversary we got married. I was so happy.
Yesterday he comes home from work, and bursts into tears when I ask him how his day was. He starts sobbing (I've only seen him cry one other time in our 10 years together and nothing like this) and says he cheated on me 3 years ago.
It was her. I knew. I knew all along, but now I can't be in denial any more. He said it was killing him keeping it in. That he was terrified of losing me and hurting me and he just tried to forget it ever happened, but he couldn't do it any longer. He then begged me for hours not to leave him.
I want more than anything to forgive him. I love him more than it feels possible to love another person. I can't imagine my life without him. I was so happy yesterday morning but now it feels like my whole world has crumbled around me. I haven't eaten or slept. Every time I close my eyes I see them together. I need help, but have no one to turn to. Friends and family would just tell me to leave. I don't think I can. I'm embarrassed because our friends knew and didn't tell me, I'm angry at the lies, and I feel like the most alone person in the world. Like someone hollowed me out and tossed me in the ocean. But I still love him.
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Oh sweetheart. I know the pain you are in. You thought it was an old wound but his truthful confession tore the scab off. You are now dealing with this as a new fresh wound. All I can say is the mind movies will subside with time.

You say you love him more than you ever thought possible. To me that is a reason to try to work things out with him. He needs to be supportive of you and not try to shut you up about it. He needs to own his mistake (which he seems to be doing thus far) but most importantly he needs to have 100% no contact with her. He needs to work on building your trust again. A few things you can do together is make a list of trust building behaviors that are meaningful to you.

Maybe something like, if she contacts him he tells you right away and does not respond to her or he will call you asap if he is going to be late at work anything that means he is trying. But most importantly remember you are not alone.
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You are not alone. I am going through it too and so can relate to your feelings. I wish I had the answer but the truth is I have none. You do what you want to do. If you want to work this out then do it. I totally get how you love him --- I have that same feeling after all we did not do anything wrong. My feelings did not change and yours did not either but the hurt and the depression and the feelings are so great it is like a death. I do not know what to tell you...just know you are not alone. If you want to talk I am here.
I am so sorry you're here :( Sadly there are many of us.

Please read the newbie link in my signature. There are very specific things your husband must do, and you too. The cheating may have happened years ago, but not for you.

You also need to find out why he suddenly told you. Cheaters don't confess 'just becuase'. Something happened - someone threatened to expose, or he got an STD, or she actually just broke it off with him, or something else happened.

I can't imagine my life without him.
This attitude really needs to change too. Unless you let him go and learn how to be happy without him, you cannot be happy with him. Read up on The 180. Unless you know you'll be OK without him, you will never be happy with him.
I would look at it like this.

You two where young and unmarried. A marital commitment is far far different than a dating committment. He did something that was not too unusual for a young unmarried male who was having problems with his girlfriend. He wanted to see if there was anything better out there. Having decided that the grass was not greener, he returned to you. He made the ulitmate commitment with you. One way to look at it was that he actually tried something different and you should be even more sure of his love and committment to you, since after trying out something different he married you.

If he is a heartless cheater than you should divorce him. But if he is a good man, is committed to you and you trust his actions since your two recondiciled, and he is remorseful, then you should forgive him.
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I know I would be fine without him eventually. It would take time, but I would be okay. It's just that I've always had him in my heart. He's always been the one I made plans with. I have a hard time imagining him not being here.
A mutual friend was pressuring him to tell me. He also said he thought he could forget about it after the wedding, but marrying me made him feel that much more guilty. As for STDs, I'm making an appointment this week.
He's been so transparent with me about it. I really believe him when he says he hasn't talked to her in 3 years. I know other people who know her who say the same.
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