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23 Posts
Apologies up front for this being so long.
I have been married to my husband for 15 yrs. We have two children together. When we met, I didn't have many friends. I started dating husband, and he had student loans to pay, so we moved in together, didn't do much with other people, and saved money. He had friends, and we integrated ourselves into that circle for a bit, but never really had friends as a couple. Whenever I suggested we meet friends, he would make the excuse that he had enough friends, and we didn't need any more. He would shows up where I am at when I am out with friends, to "check up on me." He tells me that my best friend is a bad influence on me, and has me stop seeing her. He tells me to quit a job I love because "it is not good for me."
We married, had two children, and spent many years "homebound", as I became a stay at home mom. I was so entrenched into the lives of the children and the family, never did anything for myself, had no life of my own, and no friends. My husband had a life, friends, and often went out without me.
Fast forward 13 years. Kids are a bit older so I can have a life of my own. I start working outside of the home. I start working out. Husband likes how I look, and we meet a new group of friends. We start going out more, and having more fun. Husband is excited about this, enjoys flirting with other women, and the attention he receives from other women in our group of friends. I think it is harmless, as these women are my friends, and I am not a jealous person.
In our group of friends, I become friends with a man (who's wife is a friend of mine) who works at the same school as I do. We talk just when we are there, this man knows my husband, and has asked him to do things from time to time. Husband refuses to do anything with this man, and even stands him up on occasion.
Husband gets disillusioned with group of friends, and doens't want to hang with them anymore. I am suspicious because one woman in the group he really liked, and actually yelled at me one time for not wanting to go shopping with her, has recently moved and is no longer part of the group, and he doesn't get that attention anymore--so he doesn't want to hang with the group anymore? What is up with that? I never had friends like this, and I do not want to stop being friends with this group. Husband gets mad when people want to hang out with me. He gets upset if someone asks me to do anything. He gets upset if someone compliments how I look, or how athletic I am. Husband is jealous that girlfriends as me to do stuff, and want to me be friend. He starts preventing me from doing things, using the kids as an excuse.
We fight a lot. He accuses me of having an affair with our mutual male friend. He confronts male friend, and causes that relationship to end with him and his wife. He goes through all my possessions looking for said "affair" and finds nothing. He monitors home phone and my cell phone records, and quizzes me on why I text with certain people so much, asking "what did you talk about?" If I do get to go with friends, he will ask me what we talked about when we were together. He tells me I cannot text male friends, even though he can text female friends. I ask him if I am entitled to any privacy at all, and he says no. He will use the kids or money as an excuse for me not going to do anything with friends. He doesn't want my mom and dad to visit our home, even though they live only 5 miles away. I have to ask permission to do anything, and it is always a struggle to do anything I want to do. He will tell me that as long as he is the one working and making most of the money, I don't have a say in what I do. I get quizzed on $12.00 purchases for our children, but he can purchase $100 concert tickets.
My friends say he is emotionally abusive and controlling. I have suggested counseling, and he will use money as an excuse. He tells my best friend "I want to go to counseling, but she doesn't want to." Yet, when I call the counselor, he will use money as an excuse.
I suggest that I go and find new friends that he would like, and he says that is a good idea, but is not supportive when I want to go spend time to meet these friends. Again, he will use the kids as an excuse. "How could I possibly and selfishly try to make new friends when the kids need all my time."
He goes with his friends whenever and whenever he wants. He will just tell me "I am meeting so and so for a beer", and I will be supportive and tell him to go and have fun. I don't check up on him, nor question him.
And, he is just not nice. I get dressed up to go to a wedding, and he cannot say that I look nice. I tell him I would love to hear that sometimes, and he will say "I don't have to say that because everyone else will." He is cold, yet he expects me to be warm and loving toward him, and if I am not, he will accuse me of having an affair.
Not sure where I go from here. I purposely lie to him, about little innocent things (like I ran into this male friend at the store today, and I should be able to tell him, but I know if I do he will accuse me of something and make my life hell!) Am I crazy? What am I doing wrong?
I have been married to my husband for 15 yrs. We have two children together. When we met, I didn't have many friends. I started dating husband, and he had student loans to pay, so we moved in together, didn't do much with other people, and saved money. He had friends, and we integrated ourselves into that circle for a bit, but never really had friends as a couple. Whenever I suggested we meet friends, he would make the excuse that he had enough friends, and we didn't need any more. He would shows up where I am at when I am out with friends, to "check up on me." He tells me that my best friend is a bad influence on me, and has me stop seeing her. He tells me to quit a job I love because "it is not good for me."
We married, had two children, and spent many years "homebound", as I became a stay at home mom. I was so entrenched into the lives of the children and the family, never did anything for myself, had no life of my own, and no friends. My husband had a life, friends, and often went out without me.
Fast forward 13 years. Kids are a bit older so I can have a life of my own. I start working outside of the home. I start working out. Husband likes how I look, and we meet a new group of friends. We start going out more, and having more fun. Husband is excited about this, enjoys flirting with other women, and the attention he receives from other women in our group of friends. I think it is harmless, as these women are my friends, and I am not a jealous person.
In our group of friends, I become friends with a man (who's wife is a friend of mine) who works at the same school as I do. We talk just when we are there, this man knows my husband, and has asked him to do things from time to time. Husband refuses to do anything with this man, and even stands him up on occasion.
Husband gets disillusioned with group of friends, and doens't want to hang with them anymore. I am suspicious because one woman in the group he really liked, and actually yelled at me one time for not wanting to go shopping with her, has recently moved and is no longer part of the group, and he doesn't get that attention anymore--so he doesn't want to hang with the group anymore? What is up with that? I never had friends like this, and I do not want to stop being friends with this group. Husband gets mad when people want to hang out with me. He gets upset if someone asks me to do anything. He gets upset if someone compliments how I look, or how athletic I am. Husband is jealous that girlfriends as me to do stuff, and want to me be friend. He starts preventing me from doing things, using the kids as an excuse.
We fight a lot. He accuses me of having an affair with our mutual male friend. He confronts male friend, and causes that relationship to end with him and his wife. He goes through all my possessions looking for said "affair" and finds nothing. He monitors home phone and my cell phone records, and quizzes me on why I text with certain people so much, asking "what did you talk about?" If I do get to go with friends, he will ask me what we talked about when we were together. He tells me I cannot text male friends, even though he can text female friends. I ask him if I am entitled to any privacy at all, and he says no. He will use the kids or money as an excuse for me not going to do anything with friends. He doesn't want my mom and dad to visit our home, even though they live only 5 miles away. I have to ask permission to do anything, and it is always a struggle to do anything I want to do. He will tell me that as long as he is the one working and making most of the money, I don't have a say in what I do. I get quizzed on $12.00 purchases for our children, but he can purchase $100 concert tickets.
My friends say he is emotionally abusive and controlling. I have suggested counseling, and he will use money as an excuse. He tells my best friend "I want to go to counseling, but she doesn't want to." Yet, when I call the counselor, he will use money as an excuse.
I suggest that I go and find new friends that he would like, and he says that is a good idea, but is not supportive when I want to go spend time to meet these friends. Again, he will use the kids as an excuse. "How could I possibly and selfishly try to make new friends when the kids need all my time."
He goes with his friends whenever and whenever he wants. He will just tell me "I am meeting so and so for a beer", and I will be supportive and tell him to go and have fun. I don't check up on him, nor question him.
And, he is just not nice. I get dressed up to go to a wedding, and he cannot say that I look nice. I tell him I would love to hear that sometimes, and he will say "I don't have to say that because everyone else will." He is cold, yet he expects me to be warm and loving toward him, and if I am not, he will accuse me of having an affair.
Not sure where I go from here. I purposely lie to him, about little innocent things (like I ran into this male friend at the store today, and I should be able to tell him, but I know if I do he will accuse me of something and make my life hell!) Am I crazy? What am I doing wrong?
