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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I am here because I don't know if I'm being an idiot for taking my husband back. We've been together for 13 years and he's had two affairs (as far as I know). We didn't grow apart, we have no children so we spent a lot of time together, having fun. Although there is a lot to it than I have time to explain (I also don't want to bore you to death). Jist: The last girl he had an affair with was a mutual friend and it was a full blown relationship. Ouch. I left as soon as I found out, was gone for eight months, in which they didn't even end up together. I've seen pictures, toys, love poems,emails, etc... they had together, most of the time while I was at work and he wasn't going into work. I went back because he came to me seemingly changed and we went to marriage counseling, it worked for a while, but my insecurities and bad dreams, they won't go away. I'm not a "throw it in your face" person, but I can't talk to him when I feel this way(I tried once) - he gets defensive and says "get over it". Ouch. I'm not sure I can live like this. It is my problem now, because I am the one who has something to get over, when will I get over it? It's been almost a year since we've reconciled. Sorry for the babble.
 

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No reason to apologize here. You were badly hurt and it will take time to heal. I don’t think a year is an unreasonable amount of time to still be in the healing process. He needs to understand this also and have patience with you in reconnecting and trusting him. The “get over it” attitude is BS in my opinion. His attitude should be “how can I help you get through this?” “How can we make things better?” There isn’t enough information here to know the other issues that might be out there but communication will be a key factor. You will need to discuss this issue with him as best you can without making it emotionally disabling. A level head and honesty will be your best tools here. Make him understand how much this has hurt you to gain his empathy. If he can do that he will be more willing to try to help you. He would likely like to get this issue behind him but to get there he needs to help you do the same. Good luck and bless.
 

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i just joined today and i dont know how to post my problems to get advice but this is close to what happened to me, I will try and make this short. Met a military man he seems perfect but after knowing him for a few months a found him to lie about his woman but then they split up and we tried been together since 2002 and got married 2004 had my baby girl a few months after getting married after he deployed i found emails to his ex wife saying stick to the plan. Well I went home to my parents and he kept saying it was not him who wrote it well anyway i had their son and was watching and taking care of him while she worked as a stripper, she came to my house two months and got her son and also gave me a stack of papers of online chatting of him leaving me and sexual things they talked about, anyway he said he wanted me and we tried to make it work it was hard and i left me twice before i truly separated from him 2006 he deployed again to iraq and kept on once in a while before he left would come see me, but he took me to court before he deployed trying to take my daughter away, I got physical custody and he got visitations and he left for iraq, i had been struggling and he paid child support from the army until he came back this year and he kept playing me saying he wanted to do anything to make it work well when i went to see him i found him on dating sites and online sex sites so I decided to finalize the divorce and still he ask me to stay with him with my daughter on certain weekends but then i found his myspace and it says "i'm in love with someone that I have known for a while and I'm just waitied for her to be ready". To me I kept thinking he wanted a family with me and the kids but now I just feel like he was using me until his new woman is around. He has my daughter for a week and I dont know what to do I still love him but I feel like a fool. I know I should just leave him alone but it is hard when I have to meet him for my daughter. My son is coming soon and I"m going to have him meet him for a while but I just wish I could get advice on how to handle him.
 

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There's a big difference between throwing it in his face and trying to heal. I talked to my husband about that early on...that I would never use this against him in that sort of way but I did need to talk through things with him so that I could heal and get past it.

"get over it" just annoys me. He doesn't understand that if you could turn it off like a switch, you would have done that long ago. I think he needs to 'get over' making light of this and do whatever it takes to help you understand what caused him to stray in the first place and what he's doing now to ensure it doesn't happen again.

I know I'm preaching to the choir but feel free to show him this :)
 

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soconfused~
go back to 'coping with infidelity' and click on the 'new thread' button on the left if you want to cut/paste this into a new post.
 

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Marie,

Have you noticed that the bad thoughts/insecurities have decreased over time? Is your husband working at earning back your trust where you slowly see some progress in that area (ie you are not as insecure as you were 6 months ago, etc.)?

I don't know that you can set a time-table on this but if you are seeing improvements over time, that's a good sign. If not, I would recommend individual counseling if you haven't already as they may help you sort out these feelings.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
First of all, thank you all who have replied to try and help me. I have an appointment for a therapist starting tomorrow. This time it'll just be me. I would like to maybe give some more information. When I met my husband, what really attracted me to him was his sense of humor and he is definitely "life of the party" guy. He is quick witted, artistic, and yes, his I.Q. is off the charts. Back then, as far as looks go- he was cute, but with age he has become handsome. Through out the years, I am realizing he has been one person to me, and another to the people he works with. We have always done pretty much everything together, vacations, have mutual friends,etc... he is a charismatic, funny guy that everybody loves. Well, that being said - he LOVES attention, all of it all the time. His excuse for straying was that I wasn't there for him anymore.... I really had to think what he meant by that. Other than the times we were at work- we were together and I thought I treated him with kindness, love, and respect. (I know I wasn't perfect, there were times I got down-I am a girl!) He really expected me to be able to keep up with the friends and night life we had in our twenties. I'm a teacher, I can no longer go to a bar or a party on a "school night"- I can't keep up with my students- who are in constant need of something(because they're kids) and be an effective teacher- I love my job. He has an office job where it doesn't bug him to be hung over- but he can go into his cubicle and zone out when he needs to. So that did cause some arguments because some of my priorities were changing. I thought that was normal in a marriage. I let him go if he wanted to- at the time, I trusted him. The first girl he cheated with didn't even know he was married-they worked together, when we finally met- she and I hit it off- she broke it off with him when I wasn't the "awful, *****- prude" he made me out to be. The last girl who was a mutual friend with a serious boyfriend, well, I found out so much more than I needed, they were together constantly- and if they weren't together, the text messages- there had to be hundreds every month! She was so good at being my friend- I'm an idiot. She and her boyfriend owned a website developing business- she only had to work when she wanted, so she was available everyday, all day- until I was off work.... I found out they went to the beach, had three hour lunches, he took her on dates when I had a conference out of town, I found their "sex bag"- I had no idea he liked that kind of stuff- I can't compete with any of it. Her looks are the exact opposite of mine- I'm an athletically built, medium sized and height, blonde haired, blue eyed woman- I have body image issues- that's why I work out.... she is tall, long pin straight brown hair, brown eyes- SUPER THIN, huge chest, and very flirtatious to all, she also loves attention, she was a lot of fun to hang out with- she and my husband were good at not giving there secret away to anyone in our group (well me)- but people kept making comments. So basically- everyone knew but me! I was blind. It went on for two years.
Oh, by the way- he is the fun, great guy to everyone - but when he's in a bad mood- it's as crazy as his good ones, but in a bad yelling, cursing, take it out on me sorta way. He has no problem calling me names- I married him with his temper- he's not physical- just verbal. He is a master manipulator, can actually make you believe the sky is green- he would have been a spectacular lawyer (not that lawyers are bad- he's just very good at winning any argument). I have understood and tried to get him to go see a doctor about his ridiculous mood swings, but he hasn't. He has admitted that he knows there's something wrong with his ups and downs. I told ya'll this was a long! I just like having someone who has been through something like this to vent to. I still find stuff he hasn't gotten rid of yet, I just don't know why, if he's over her and he wants to make this work- why hasn't he thrown everything out. It doesn't make sense.
 

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He's made some serious mis-steps in your marriage & although he came to you seemingly changed, I can totally see why you still have trust issues.

Did he end things with her or did she end it? Does he talk openly to you about why it ended and how he felt about it?

I would need some true effort on his part in order to move forward (just me) & the disrespect and name calling would have to end.
 

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No reason to apologize here. You were badly hurt and it will take time to heal. I don’t think a year is an unreasonable amount of time to still be in the healing process. He needs to understand this also and have patience with you in reconnecting and trusting him. The “get over it” attitude is BS in my opinion. His attitude should be “how can I help you get through this?” “How can we make things better?” There isn’t enough information here to know the other issues that might be out there but communication will be a key factor. You will need to discuss this issue with him as best you can without making it emotionally disabling. A level head and honesty will be your best tools here. Make him understand how much this has hurt you to gain his empathy. If he can do that he will be more willing to try to help you. He would likely like to get this issue behind him but to get there he needs to help you do the same. Good luck and bless.
:iagree:

draconis
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Thanks to the listeners and great responses. I realize that we have a long way to go, and I am seeing a counselor. He won't divulge to me any information about how it ended. He truly believes it's none of my business. He knows clearly how it makes me feel, I'm not sure how he can say he loves me when he doesn't really take that into consideration. I am not perfect...I made mistakes- geez, does anyone really know how to be married until you actually are married? I certainly had no clue! I had a lot of misconceptions, I thought- he's a good person- he wouldn't do that to me! We're married!(as if that piece of paper would be a wall between his libido and the other woman). But see, me, as a person- even if I didn't love him anymore- I wouldn't do that to him- I care enough for him as a best friend and companion that I would have left. I know the world doesn't work that way- I just thought the man I trusted with everything would. Stupid. Ok, I am working this out in therapy too, it's helping. It's also going to help me try to decide if I want to live like this forever, I have to decide if it's fair to him for me to keep feeling this way- he deserves to be happy. I just can't figure out how to make that happen. Thanks everybody- I love this forum!
 

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I can relate to you alot ... its hard ... you just love him and want to fight for your marriage but its hard when you feel so hurt and confused and betrayed and etc etc.... I remember my counselor telling me last " it is up to you if you can get over it and continue to live a happy marriage " I hated those words! I thought he would tell me HOW to do that but it doesnt work like that I suppose... I guess you jsut take each day in stride and do what you feel is in your heart and what is right ..
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Onesullengirl, thanks for your reply, yes, it's not easy to forget. I asked my counselor if I should be "over it" by now, he said that there is no time frame- this was a trauma and if I were to "get over it" it's up to both of us. He put the responsibility on my husband to make me feel comfortable and listen when I needed to vent. My husband doesn't do that- he actually says "get over it". You sound like you've been through a lot. You feel the way you feel- and you have a right to those feelings, no matter how long it takes. Take care, you deserve to feel the way you do. :)
 

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Hi Marie,

I agree why hasn't he thrown everything out...After I found the photo of the chinese 20 year old hidden in my husbands wallet, it disappeared, and when I asked him to burn it in fronnt of me he lied and said I took it and he doesn't have it anymore. I assume your husband admitted he was cheating or did you just find out?

Interesting what the counselor said about the time it takes to heal. I believe your husband needs to take responsibility to help you heal. To say "get over it" is a cop out. I have no concrete proof as mine has found an explanation to give for all of "the signs".

I am going to find a good marriage counselor (not an easy task) and see if he will come with me, but since he's denied everything I am wondering how I will ever heal and how we can move forward to make the marriage better.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Cao428- I think a counselor is a good idea- with or without your husband. My husband says that he hasn't had a chance to throw anything out yet- we've been back together almost a year. I don't REALLY know why he's not getting rid of it since I still don't trust what he says. He is a superb actor. I do love him and I am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. We'll see. He either wants to be with me, or he doesn't, I just hope he figures it out soon.
 
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