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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
When myself and husband first met we were all over each other as it were. But after being together quite a few years even though we still love each other, its not like that any more, I dont expect that to be but he does not really notice me so much any more, I have told him this and he said its because he sees me all the time. We dont have sex much now as we either not in the mood or he tired cause he works nights. Plus I do suffer at times with lower back pain which does not help either. I showed him a Basque I bought the other day and he said, yeah its nice, I felt it was an answer I would get from one of my female friends.

I have told him we are more like friends now and he said we should both make an effort. But its always me who is doing the instigating as in bringing up the subject, he is happy to plod on also where as I am ambitious, I am the stronger personality in the relationship.

Since last year I have felt more sexy and care more about my looks and I have changed dramatically. Before that I had depression and lots of family issues so didnt feel so good but did this self help therapy and even he has said and my friends that I am like a new person now. Yet everything else is the same. We do love each other but when ever I go out with friends and get attention from guys it does feel nice to be noticed.

Also to add, even though I feel more happy and he is happy that we dont row no more, I kind of feel detached from it all.

Any one welcome to comment, I have just joined this site.
 

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I think it is great you came here to work on things. It is a good site.

I suggest reading Five Love Languages and His Needs Her Needs as a start.

Other wiser heads may well have more to offer.

Good luck

PS I bet the basque looks great
 

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Lady,
When did his desire drop off?

What is your dynamic in terms of who 'initiates' sex.
How do the two of you handle rejection: both as the person saying 'not tonight', and the person being told 'not tonight'.

There are very different patterns and some work better/worse for some couples.

Let me describe a common dynamic between a more ambitious / stronger female and her male partner.

She lets herself 'go' physically for a period of time, and he loves her just the same. She doesn't like her body during that time so she greatly cuts back their sex life. He gets tired of her rejection and cuts way back on initiating.

She decides to get back in shape, and he doesn't. She makes other 'self improvements' and quietly critiques him for 'not keeping up' and doing the same. He slowly comes to feel rejected by her comments and acts beaten down. The last thing he wants is to risk being sexually rejected outright or have his 'less in shape body' or lovemaking skills critiqued at night, so he stops trying.




QUOTE=Ladywriter;1528026]When myself and husband first met we were all over each other as it were. But after being together quite a few years even though we still love each other, its not like that any more, I dont expect that to be but he does not really notice me so much any more, I have told him this and he said its because he sees me all the time. We dont have sex much now as we either not in the mood or he tired cause he works nights. Plus I do suffer at times with lower back pain which does not help either. I showed him a Basque I bought the other day and he said, yeah its nice, I felt it was an answer I would get from one of my female friends.

I have told him we are more like friends now and he said we should both make an effort. But its always me who is doing the instigating as in bringing up the subject, he is happy to plod on also where as I am ambitious, I am the stronger personality in the relationship.

Since last year I have felt more sexy and care more about my looks and I have changed dramatically. Before that I had depression and lots of family issues so didnt feel so good but did this self help therapy and even he has said and my friends that I am like a new person now. Yet everything else is the same. We do love each other but when ever I go out with friends and get attention from guys it does feel nice to be noticed.

Also to add, even though I feel more happy and he is happy that we dont row no more, I kind of feel detached from it all.

Any one welcome to comment, I have just joined this site.[/QUOTE]
 

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Discussion Starter #4
Thanks for answers so far, nothing has changed, but I am trying to drop a bit of weight but I am not fat though. my husband is a little over weight to. we both have thyroid conditions which control weight issues. But this is not the issue though. I guess as he does not seem that enthusiastic about it any more it kind of dulls it and some times I am not either. When I say initiate I mean the discussions about it. not the act itself. If there is an issue in our relationship its me who always brings it up, not him.

As for the sex side, just example, we plan to do it and then say get back from shopping or seeing my sick Dad etc and dont feel like it then or say oh, its a bit late now we both hungry and have dinner and so on. It cant just be spontaneous due to certain circumstances really.

I also feel some times that he should be more assertive in other ways but he isnt. I feel that he has not always stuck up for me in situations, he would rather avoid confrontation so I end up doing it all myself. Just one example here, although small its still a point and I did bring it up to my husband as well.

A couple of weeks ago a few of us went out with friends and these two new couple came along from friend of a friend and their son. They are nice people. they and their son added me to FB. The son is in his 20's and we our 40's. Anyway, he tried to get off with one of my friends in her 40's and after was a bit funny with me on the site. I did tell his Mum about this as he quickly removed me before I could come back with anything. But when I told my husband he removed him to, but my husband did not defend me in the sense of, dont speak to my wife like that, who do you think you are! so I felt a little alone even though it was a small issue, but its nice to know that your husband is protective and will defend you, but my husband said, well I didnt want to cause upset with his parents, and I said yeah but what about me? So I ended up telling his Mum the rude things he said. Whether she had a go at him or not I dont know. Ok my husband defended me before against his brother but thats family isnt it. Not an out sider. So ok yeah be honest, I was a bit let down.

See all my life I have had to defend my own corner as it were, as being only child my Mum died when I was just 16 years old she was sick through out my child hood plus a few years later my Dad got sick so a part of myself disappeared. I had horrid relatives who put me down when they could not get their own way and make me do what they wanted. And I was never treated like I was important, more like a convenience really.

I am stronger then my husband in a willful sense, if that makes sense. The stronger personality. I have no problems of complaining of stuff not happy with in any situation where as he dont want to make a fuss or create attention. You know like on instinct.

Its like his manager is taking the pee with him at work, so I told my husband what I think he should do and he said he tried but it didnt work but I said if you speak in a professional way it will work. You need to let him know you mean business and you are serious about the situation.

asked when did it stop, some time when we moved in together the sex became less and less and when we got married, before we would only see each other on weekends. But once we started living together and was seeing each other all the time it gradually faded.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
Lady,
When did his desire drop off?

What is your dynamic in terms of who 'initiates' sex.
How do the two of you handle rejection: both as the person saying 'not tonight', and the person being told 'not tonight'.

There are very different patterns and some work better/worse for some couples.

Let me describe a common dynamic between a more ambitious / stronger female and her male partner.

She lets herself 'go' physically for a period of time, and he loves her just the same. She doesn't like her body during that time so she greatly cuts back their sex life. He gets tired of her rejection and cuts way back on initiating.

She decides to get back in shape, and he doesn't. She makes other 'self improvements' and quietly critiques him for 'not keeping up' and doing the same. He slowly comes to feel rejected by her comments and acts beaten down. The last thing he wants is to risk being sexually rejected outright or have his 'less in shape body' or lovemaking skills critiqued at night, so he stops trying.




QUOTE=Ladywriter;1528026]When myself and husband first met we were all over each other as it were. But after being together quite a few years even though we still love each other, its not like that any more, I dont expect that to be but he does not really notice me so much any more, I have told him this and he said its because he sees me all the time. We dont have sex much now as we either not in the mood or he tired cause he works nights. Plus I do suffer at times with lower back pain which does not help either. I showed him a Basque I bought the other day and he said, yeah its nice, I felt it was an answer I would get from one of my female friends.

I have told him we are more like friends now and he said we should both make an effort. But its always me who is doing the instigating as in bringing up the subject, he is happy to plod on also where as I am ambitious, I am the stronger personality in the relationship.

Since last year I have felt more sexy and care more about my looks and I have changed dramatically. Before that I had depression and lots of family issues so didnt feel so good but did this self help therapy and even he has said and my friends that I am like a new person now. Yet everything else is the same. We do love each other but when ever I go out with friends and get attention from guys it does feel nice to be noticed.

Also to add, even though I feel more happy and he is happy that we dont row no more, I kind of feel detached from it all.

Any one welcome to comment, I have just joined this site.
[/QUOTE]
In answer to your questions.
I have only ever critisized my own body as I am very critical of myself. He said he could try and drop a bit of weight to help his health but he works nights. I suggested exercise of which I do but he to tired. But I am keeping up mine though. I dont mind what he does as regards to weight issues, I am just bothered about me getting fat really.

Rejection, good question. I have been rejected a lot within my life and I accept it even though deep down I feel hurt. But he or I saying not tonight, I am fine with that as although strange, but we already have each other, if that makes sense. but if I was out with friends and a group of guys rejected me but liked my friend I would feel a bit hurt and feel ugly to be honest but would not show it, No I am not unfaithful but its just about being noticed and to be made to feel special and attractive again. Of which I have never had in my life and was treated badly before by family. Since my Husband said, he see me all the time. So he dont notice no more.

Is it not the old saying of, he or she got me now so the fight is now over, no more trying. Its like a new job, you fight to stay alive in it but once you become settled no more trying, you know the routines well and just plod through it.
 

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You have married a man who isn't very assertive. This is good in the sense that it gives you a lot of freedom. But it can also mean you have to be more assertive. You're naturally more assertive, so if you want to have a more sexual relationship, try doing some of these things:

- Say, "Hey, let's have a quickie" even when you're not in the mood.
- Be just a tiny bit obnoxious about jumping in his lap and playing with him when he's trying to watch television or talk on the phone. Just don't go too far and annoy him. You're doing this to show him how attractive he is to you and how much you desire him, even if it doesn't turn into a session of love.
- Make comments like, "I'm in the mood." If he isn't in the mood, tell him, "I'm going to go take care of myself now. Feel free to join me if you want to." Then go off by yourself and enjoy some LOUD masturbation. When he hears you, I can almost guarantee that he'll decide to join you.

If you start doing things like this once a week or so, it will ramp up his desire for you. These things key in to some very deep primal urges that men have. He is NOT going to be ok knowing you're sexually getting satisfied without him!
 

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Discussion Starter #7
I think it is great you came here to work on things. It is a good site.

I suggest reading Five Love Languages and His Needs Her Needs as a start.

Other wiser heads may well have more to offer.

Good luck

PS I bet the basque looks great
thanks about the basque, I would read it but he wouldnt bother, so again would only be me doing it.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
Lady,
When did his desire drop off?

What is your dynamic in terms of who 'initiates' sex.
How do the two of you handle rejection: both as the person saying 'not tonight', and the person being told 'not tonight'.

There are very different patterns and some work better/worse for some couples.

Let me describe a common dynamic between a more ambitious / stronger female and her male partner.

She lets herself 'go' physically for a period of time, and he loves her just the same. She doesn't like her body during that time so she greatly cuts back their sex life. He gets tired of her rejection and cuts way back on initiating.

She decides to get back in shape, and he doesn't. She makes other 'self improvements' and quietly critiques him for 'not keeping up' and doing the same. He slowly comes to feel rejected by her comments and acts beaten down. The last thing he wants is to risk being sexually rejected outright or have his 'less in shape body' or lovemaking skills critiqued at night, so he stops trying.




QUOTE=Ladywriter;1528026]When myself and husband first met we were all over each other as it were. But after being together quite a few years even though we still love each other, its not like that any more, I dont expect that to be but he does not really notice me so much any more, I have told him this and he said its because he sees me all the time. We dont have sex much now as we either not in the mood or he tired cause he works nights. Plus I do suffer at times with lower back pain which does not help either. I showed him a Basque I bought the other day and he said, yeah its nice, I felt it was an answer I would get from one of my female friends.

I have told him we are more like friends now and he said we should both make an effort. But its always me who is doing the instigating as in bringing up the subject, he is happy to plod on also where as I am ambitious, I am the stronger personality in the relationship.

Since last year I have felt more sexy and care more about my looks and I have changed dramatically. Before that I had depression and lots of family issues so didnt feel so good but did this self help therapy and even he has said and my friends that I am like a new person now. Yet everything else is the same. We do love each other but when ever I go out with friends and get attention from guys it does feel nice to be noticed.

Also to add, even though I feel more happy and he is happy that we dont row no more, I kind of feel detached from it all.

Any one welcome to comment, I have just joined this site.
[/QUOTE] Also to add erm ok, I personally dont think I am very good at sex, just my opinion. Not very good at expressing myself with it as I had strict up bringing, parents believed no sex before marriage and you know where I am going now with this. So it was like a guilt thing and made me inhibited, I told my husband this recently as I know it. I guess its like a confidence thing. I do it but cant express my feelings or desires. I know some people probably scream and shout when doing it but I cant do that see.
 

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Also to add erm ok, I personally dont think I am very good at sex, just my opinion. Not very good at expressing myself with it as I had strict up bringing, parents believed no sex before marriage and you know where I am going now with this. So it was like a guilt thing and made me inhibited, I told my husband this recently as I know it. I guess its like a confidence thing. I do it but cant express my feelings or desires. I know some people probably scream and shout when doing it but I cant do that see.
How did your husband respond when you shared that you don't feel confident?

Even though your childhood will make it hard for you to be more open, I would encourage you to test things out a little at a time. You don't have to get crazy, but go ahead and be verbal and louder, or try playing on the sofa instead of in bed, or leave the light on if you usually don't.

I came from the opposite kind of childhood. Sexual abuse was everywhere and so I had NO restrictions on how I behaved. I've been fully naked a downtown establishment before, if that gives you any idea of just how outlandish things can be. And you know what? The very WORST thing that will happen if you get sexually bold with your husband is that he might dislike something you do, but in general he'll be surprised and pleased.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
How did your husband respond when you shared that you don't feel confident?

Even though your childhood will make it hard for you to be more open, I would encourage you to test things out a little at a time. You don't have to get crazy, but go ahead and be verbal and louder, or try playing on the sofa instead of in bed, or leave the light on if you usually don't.

I came from the opposite kind of childhood. Sexual abuse was everywhere and so I had NO restrictions on how I behaved. I've been fully naked a downtown establishment before, if that gives you any idea of just how outlandish things can be. And you know what? The very WORST thing that will happen if you get sexually bold with your husband is that he might dislike something you do, but in general he'll be surprised and pleased.
Hi, so sorry for what you went through, thats simply awful for any child to go through. We normally leave light on or do it during the day. he generally is not fussy with sex or likes dislikes but I am a bit I guess. when it comes to the actual sex I always wait for him to make first move, again it must be a confidence thing. Its me with the problem regarding this and the actual activity, no problem with being naked and doing it, but its like erm, instigated if that makes sense, we both agreed it is to, I think some one asked, what his reaction was when I said I dont think I am very good at it, he replied nor am I.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
How did your husband respond when you shared that you don't feel confident?

Even though your childhood will make it hard for you to be more open, I would encourage you to test things out a little at a time. You don't have to get crazy, but go ahead and be verbal and louder, or try playing on the sofa instead of in bed, or leave the light on if you usually don't.

I came from the opposite kind of childhood. Sexual abuse was everywhere and so I had NO restrictions on how I behaved. I've been fully naked a downtown establishment before, if that gives you any idea of just how outlandish things can be. And you know what? The very WORST thing that will happen if you get sexually bold with your husband is that he might dislike something you do, but in general he'll be surprised and pleased.
Well he didnt really react when I said I dont feel very confident, the words I used was, I dont think I am very good, and he said me neither.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
You have married a man who isn't very assertive. This is good in the sense that it gives you a lot of freedom. But it can also mean you have to be more assertive. You're naturally more assertive, so if you want to have a more sexual relationship, try doing some of these things:

- Say, "Hey, let's have a quickie" even when you're not in the mood.
- Be just a tiny bit obnoxious about jumping in his lap and playing with him when he's trying to watch television or talk on the phone. Just don't go too far and annoy him. You're doing this to show him how attractive he is to you and how much you desire him, even if it doesn't turn into a session of love.
- Make comments like, "I'm in the mood." If he isn't in the mood, tell him, "I'm going to go take care of myself now. Feel free to join me if you want to." Then go off by yourself and enjoy some LOUD masturbation. When he hears you, I can almost guarantee that he'll decide to join you.

If you start doing things like this once a week or so, it will ramp up his desire for you. These things key in to some very deep primal urges that men have. He is NOT going to be ok knowing you're sexually getting satisfied without him!
That stuff you said if excellent advice but I dont know if I could be like that, it would be very hard for me, alas as to reply of person below, about my child hood how I was inhibited by parents when it came to sex and almost felt guilty for wanting it before marriage etc, they were very old fashioned. I am very confident in other walks of life but not with that. If I did all those things you stated above my husband would think I was some one else as its just not me to be like that. I would love to be more sexual but its just not in me.

Everything you have stated about assertiveness and freedom is 100% correct, wow you are very good. But I have always been very free spirited anyway, and I dont mean sexually but mean like if I want to meet up with friends I will. I make my own decisions so to speak, so yes I have a lot of freedom. If I can do what you suggested above then wow. thats all I can say. But he will think I have been kidnapped by aliens and they sent down a new wife.LOL
 

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LOL...

Well, you don't have to run down the street naked or anything!

Imagine this for a moment: You're the more confident person in your relationship, and you feel scared to try. Can you imagine how much harder it will be for a guy like your husband to make those changes?

Your parents were wrong for teaching you to ignore or deny your sexuality. It's wonderful to love the body you were given and to let it bring you pleasure. It's also wonderful to share that pleasure with the person you love.

I think you could start seeing some changes if you just start letting yourself be a little more vocal when you're making love, and start flirting with your husband again. It might be scary at first, but if you take small steps, you can travel a long way in the coming months.
 

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LOL...

Well, you don't have to run down the street naked or anything!

Imagine this for a moment: You're the more confident person in your relationship, and you feel scared to try. Can you imagine how much harder it will be for a guy like your husband to make those changes?

Your parents were wrong for teaching you to ignore or deny your sexuality. It's wonderful to love the body you were given and to let it bring you pleasure. It's also wonderful to share that pleasure with the person you love.

I think you could start seeing some changes if you just start letting yourself be a little more vocal when you're making love, and start flirting with your husband again. It might be scary at first, but if you take small steps, you can travel a long way in the coming months.
Ok I will try. See I can be very explicit with friends about sex or when they tell me about their sex lives and I am not inhibited or anything. But its when its me and the actual act of it. I will be honest, earlier one of my friends told me she has threesomes with her partner and another guy and was giving me full blown details of it and I was asking her questions just from curiosity, but see, it aint me who is doing this its her so its easy when talking about this stuff.

As for my parents, in their day sex was taboo. My mum told me about periods and sex luckily when I was young, because her mum never told her about periods or sex so when my mum got them she thought she was gonna die with periods, My mum tried to be more open with me because of what she went through, but she got very ill when I was 10 and could not function properly, and then she died when I was 16 and she was very ill through out my life and my Dad was very taboo about sex and stern like really and made me feel guilty really as to say, stay a virgin forever so to speak, or until you get married but I didnt of course.

But when my Mum told me about sex and the act of it, I dont think in those days although I could be wrong, that they did much stuff like they do now, as then sex was not for pleasure but just for bearing children I think. I cant imagine my grand ma giving blow jobs etc, back in the early 1900, because my Mum I remember only told me the basics about a man entering a woman but never mentioned any more then this, so can only assume thats all they did back then. I got to learn about all the other stuff later.
 

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Some people were like that, not giving BJs and stuff, but there were still plenty of women who did. It just wasn't talked about.

My grandmother once "hinted" at my grandfather for oral and he acted like he didn't know what she was talking about. I was a child when I heard the story about what happened, and this was just a tiny part of a bigger story, but I believe she wanted "more" and he wouldn't go there.

Just like today, some people are ok with oral and some will draw the line at it, every couple has to find the level THEY are comfortable with. But you have to try some things to find out where those lines are in your relationship.
 

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Discussion Starter #16
Some people were like that, not giving BJs and stuff, but there were still plenty of women who did. It just wasn't talked about.

My grandmother once "hinted" at my grandfather for oral and he acted like he didn't know what she was talking about. I was a child when I heard the story about what happened, and this was just a tiny part of a bigger story, but I believe she wanted "more" and he wouldn't go there.

Just like today, some people are ok with oral and some will draw the line at it, every couple has to find the level THEY are comfortable with. But you have to try some things to find out where those lines are in your relationship.
I just spoke to my husband before he went to work about some of the stuff that you quoted on here and how I am inhibited etc, he said he is up for it, I said but you are not flirty either and he said its only because I am not but he is up for it. So it seems he will do whatever I want to do. He agreed with you as well. to add we have done oral but I just dont express myself when its time and I am very quiet about it. I told him how I like some affection to and not just to get down to it as it were.
 

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A few thoughts...

Night work is very, very stressful on the mind and body. It's not like working the same hours for a day job. Please be mindful of that, and kind to him when he says he's tired. He's not putting you off; it's just that his body clock and yours are not on the same schedule so when you're awake and want to have sex that doesn't mean he is likely to feel the same. That's another reason working out is hard for him, too. Night job schedules create a lot of health issues. Is there any way he can get a job where he can work during the day?

The stuff about the kid and Facebook? I think that's petty of you to blame him for not blasting the kid to protect your honor. Frankly, I'd expect my SO to laugh at the kid's audacity and move on. You shouldn't need your husband to "defend your honor" from a child. Yeah, yeah, he was 20. A child compared to a 40+ year old woman.

Sex...yes, it drops off when people move in together and when they've been together a long time. You don't have the same anticipation of seeing each other that you did when you were only together on the weekends. The excitement and bonding chemicals that flood your brain in a new relationship also start to wear off after a couple years. That's where you (both) need to step it up to keep the home fires burning. Flirting, teasing, being open to touch and sexual thoughts and sharing those with your husband is a good start. He'll notice and will likely start doing it with you when he sees how easy and fun it is.

Plan some time off together. I didn't get the sense that you have a job outside the home? That should make it easier to plan a getaway for the two of you so you have time to reconnect as a couple. First couple of days, he'll want to catch up on his sleep and relax, so don't expect too much. After that, you'll both be rested and can have all the sex and fun that a couple needs to stay in tune.

As for him not being assertive? I'm sure that comes along with a lot of other qualities that you DID appreciate when you met him. Someone more assertive might also be more controlling of your girls nights out, or might forbid you the freedom you have and cherish right now. People are a package deal - you can't pick and choose and try to get rid of what you don't like to suit you.

It sounds like you don't have significant problems between you, but just need to appreciate each other and the love you have for each other. Good marriages don't just happen - they take work and compassion for the individual. Good men and good women don't grow on trees, either, so a good marriage is worth working on.

Good luck to you.
 

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Discussion Starter #18
A few thoughts...

Night work is very, very stressful on the mind and body. It's not like working the same hours for a day job. Please be mindful of that, and kind to him when he says he's tired. He's not putting you off; it's just that his body clock and yours are not on the same schedule so when you're awake and want to have sex that doesn't mean he is likely to feel the same. That's another reason working out is hard for him, too. Night job schedules create a lot of health issues. Is there any way he can get a job where he can work during the day?

The stuff about the kid and Facebook? I think that's petty of you to blame him for not blasting the kid to protect your honor. Frankly, I'd expect my SO to laugh at the kid's audacity and move on. You shouldn't need your husband to "defend your honor" from a child. Yeah, yeah, he was 20. A child compared to a 40+ year old woman.

Sex...yes, it drops off when people move in together and when they've been together a long time. You don't have the same anticipation of seeing each other that you did when you were only together on the weekends. The excitement and bonding chemicals that flood your brain in a new relationship also start to wear off after a couple years. That's where you (both) need to step it up to keep the home fires burning. Flirting, teasing, being open to touch and sexual thoughts and sharing those with your husband is a good start. He'll notice and will likely start doing it with you when he sees how easy and fun it is.

Plan some time off together. I didn't get the sense that you have a job outside the home? That should make it easier to plan a getaway for the two of you so you have time to reconnect as a couple. First couple of days, he'll want to catch up on his sleep and relax, so don't expect too much. After that, you'll both be rested and can have all the sex and fun that a couple needs to stay in tune.

As for him not being assertive? I'm sure that comes along with a lot of other qualities that you DID appreciate when you met him. Someone more assertive might also be more controlling of your girls nights out, or might forbid you the freedom you have and cherish right now. People are a package deal - you can't pick and choose and try to get rid of what you don't like to suit you.

It sounds like you don't have significant problems between you, but just need to appreciate each other and the love you have for each other. Good marriages don't just happen - they take work and compassion for the individual. Good men and good women don't grow on trees, either, so a good marriage is worth working on.

Good luck to you.
He has tried looking for a day job but there is not much available, everyone at his firm is trying as they are all fed up with it there. He only took this job as he could not get a day job and was out of work for a year before this one came along.

He said before he got this job of how he would never want to do night work again, and guess what, he is now, as they say, be careful what you wish for, he sleeps most of the day because he starts work at 12 midnight and dont finish until like 9am. Plus his job goes into the weekends as well and bank holidays. I think his health has suffered a bit because of this job.

Obviously I did not state this previous but we have financial problems as well and it never seems to get any better. Plus been having harassment problems from a neighbour living below us as well.
 
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