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Discussion Starter #1
Maybe this is one for the Ladies to answer?About 10 days ago we had the can't we just Cuddle talk.Why does it always have to lead to sex talk?A few yrs.back I was told to not Grope her.So no more Groping,To which could be touching ass or breast out side of a sexual event.Now she has requested when I cuddle do not stick her with mourning wood in back,When cuddleing do not hold tits,Do not put hand between her legs.Just hold me.
Well this is what kills me after about 10 days of this .She is so happy that I could do this.I passed some kind of test with her.{Its not always about sex}Why would a female rather have their man hold their elbow than their breast?Why on earth would she like to spoon w/o a boner in her back.Its be -on me.I mean the average guy if asked would rather have his package fondle than his hand?So until things change its just hold me.Can't we just Cuddle. To day we spooned for 30 mins.It was a non-sexual event.Did not touch any privates. rolled over and went to the shower and took care of myself.WTF
 

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Many women enjoy knowing their man wants to be close to them without it always having to lead to sex. It helps them feel as if they are important as more than simply a sexual object to their partner. It's a part of non-sexual physical affection, which tends to be a big need of many women.
 

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I agree with Rowan.I felt this way with my ex.It seemed like the only time he gave affection or showed love was when he was in foreplay mode.It made me feel used.
We talked about it and he started showing affection and love without it leading to sex.which in turn made me push for sex lol
 

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Maybe this is one for the Ladies to answer?About 10 days ago we had the can't we just Cuddle talk.Why does it always have to lead to sex talk?A few yrs.back I was told to not Grope her.So no more Groping,To which could be touching ass or breast out side of a sexual event.Now she has requested when I cuddle do not stick her with mourning wood in back,When cuddleing do not hold tits,Do not put hand between her legs.Just hold me.
Well this is what kills me after about 10 days of this .She is so happy that I could do this.I passed some kind of test with her.{Its not always about sex}Why would a female rather have their man hold their elbow than their breast?Why on earth would she like to spoon w/o a boner in her back.Its be -on me.I mean the average guy if asked would rather have his package fondle than his hand?So until things change its just hold me.Can't we just Cuddle. To day we spooned for 30 mins.It was a non-sexual event.Did not touch any privates. rolled over and went to the shower and took care of myself.WTF
this made me chuckle. Not at your frustration but at the differences between men and women. As a woman, I wish for the same thing as your wife, but at times I am happy for it to go further, and sometimes it totally pisses me off when he tries....and I have no guidelines that he can follow to know which "cuddle" is which. :scratchhead:

and so really all I'm saying here is that I can see why this would be annoying as hell. ;)
 

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She wants me to hold her, not grope her. Which I do, at times. But it is difficult when we haven't had sex for a week or more. I tell her that if we haven't had sex for a week or more, our cuddling will probably lead to me wanting more.

I get in trouble if I touch her breasts or butt or between her legs. Only sometimes. I am supposed to guess when it is OK.

She gets mad that I touch her breasts 'too soon'. That we should cuddle and feel close before progressing. It is up to me to guess when it is OK to progress. If I guess wrong, then she can shut me down. It is a test that she can make me fail whenever she wants.

But if she feels like it, she can pretty much immediately go for my crotch. I hate the double standard. I hate that she has this power over me.

I feel like I am begging for intimacy/sex. If I do any step of it wrong, then she calls me a pig and shuts me down.

I feel for you OP. Wish I had an answer for us.
 

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JW, this is usually mornings? In bed? Or, say, after dinner on the couch? Or wouldn't make a diference.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
C.P. As for as timing goes.I get that when watching a movie together and cuddling you don't Grope.I get that.But what I don't get is going out on date night and coimg home and get in to bed and have her tell me Can't you just hold me.I have to say to her,Sorry no I can't.I mean really how do you go a whole week with no sex.And then she saids just hold me.I got a better idea hold this?
 

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I know that my wife also hates the groping and I try to honor her wishes, but it's so hard to not grab at her when she's near me. And I am not doing it out of disrespect for her, it's just that she is hot and I want to touch her.

I actually like the non-sexual holding, even though I do pop a hard-on most of the time while doing so without even trying or thinking about sex at that moment.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
You know its really all about sexual balance.Yes I get that she wants to be held sometimes.But how and when is it decieded where it goes from there. If you just hold her and not introduce any foreplay you could miss out on a fine time.Do we really need rules that cuddling should not lead to foreplay?It seems to me that I have to test the water to see where I am at each and everytime
 

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How long has frequency been an issue? Are you staying attractive? I think the biggest mistake I have made is trying to be a family man to a wife who wanted a boyfriend. As hard as it sounds. Retrain yourself to date her. See if she notices a change.
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C.P. As for as timing goes.I get that when watching a movie together and cuddling you don't Grope.I get that.But what I don't get is going out on date night and coimg home and get in to bed and have her tell me Can't you just hold me.I have to say to her,Sorry no I can't.I mean really how do you go a whole week with no sex.And then she saids just hold me.I got a better idea hold this?
Yes, that's not good, sorry.

So no more Groping,To which could be touching ass or breast out side of a sexual event
Who initiates? How? Did anything on the other thread seem similar or helpful?
 

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It does seem like trying to put together some big puzzle with missing pieces. "Hold me". "Don't hold me". "Don't touch me all the time". "You never touch me". "Why don't you initiate more". "You only touch me when you want sex". Bla, bla, freaking bla."

Well, I'm a man. I'm going to touch you in sexual ways. I'm also going to:

Treat you well.
Touch you in non sexual ways.
Make you dinner (or take you out).
Talk to you.
Help with the house.
Open doors for you.
Protect you.
Go shopping with you.
Take you to a play every now and then.
Respect you.
Give you sex when you want it.

If in return all I'm hearing is "not now" and "all you want is sex" or "you make me feel used for sex", well then we've got a problem, and I've got a problem with that.

You want me to cuddle you, and not have it lead to anything? Well, I'm more than happy to do so, and even love holding a boob or butt when we sleep without taking it further...IF you're not deciding that sex once a weel or once a month is enough for you. We make it to a week without, and chances are I'm going to try and be close with you and initiate sex. You turn me down, and you continue to do it, the cuddling is going to stop, because it's frustrating when you're "frustrated"! Don't come back and tell me I "only touch you when we have sex" when you only "allow" sex once a month! Of course I'm not touching you then! I don't feel close to you and it is frustrating! Why should I put myself out to give you what you want when you never do the same for me?

I don't have this issue anymore, and will never live through it again. With my present W, I hild, I cuddle, I massage. We sleep, and I've often got a hand on a boob, and fall asleep that way. Almost every night. But yes, a night or two a week I make advances (as does she). I can cuddle and not advance it because when I do, she's ready. And I'm not frustrated. And I just want to touch her even when I'm not in the mood!

This all goes both ways though. As a guy you can't just treat her well when you want sex. If she's treating you well and giving you what you want and need, you should be doing the same for her, all the time. If she's not treating you right in return, don't try to treat her "better" just to get some. Never works. And they'll only make you pay for being a doormat.
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What Donny64 said. Bingo.

I lived through what you're dealing with now Just Wondering. My ex-wife wanted to be held, cuddled, etc. all the time, especially in the evening when she was going to bed. I was expected to rub her back, leg, arm, etc. But if I dared to try anything else, I was getting the cold shoulder. I'd get a lot of the 'Why does it have to be about sex always" stuff too.

She is my ex-wife now for a boatload of reasons, but that was one of them.

I agree that cuddling and all of that should be part of a relationship. You need sex, she needs to be held. That's fine. But when you're doing your part daily, but have to go a week or more before she does her part (wants to be initimate), that's the problem.

I'd point out that there is a large discrepency in the frequency of one versus the other. If she doesn't try and change, then maybe you pick and choose your moments more. If there is a day where you are in the mood, but you know she won't be, and she wants to cuddle, tell her no, and explain that you are in the mood and you know she's not, so why make an awkward scene.

If she doesn't like it, to bad. She can't have it both ways. You're in the mood and if she's not into havig sex, that's fine, but you aren't into just cuddling either.

I'd also point out that she shouldn't be asking you to cuddle without getting an erection. It's not like the thing has an on/off button, because if it did many men by now would have just shut it off, especially in a relationship with someone like your wife. If it likes what it sees/feels, it's going to go up and that's that. It's basic anatomy, not an inflatible toy. Which by the way, you could point out to her she can be replaced by.

I always find it funny when one spouse isn't sexually desiring the other spouse, but it's still the other spouses problem/fault. Isn't the one with a problem the one who doesn't find their mate attractive/desireable/etc. yet refuses to try to find a way to find them desireable?
 

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Discussion Starter #17
Not to piss anyone off here but? Do we have men that say,Honey I just want to cuddle tonight? Or is it a LD/HD thing.I don't think to many H/D human beings would spend a evening Cuddling. I think it is just another label to put on it that means they have no interest in sex with you.Maybe before we go out on Saturday night and go dancing. She should say tonight when we come home I am going to Cuddle with you.Or say I am going to make love to you. Towhich would change the entire evening from the start.
 

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I've never felt used by my husband...never had a thought enter of being "a sexual object", I would not even know what that experience feels like.... he is a grand cuddler...before sex, after sex.... and I also love being Groped, grabbed, flirted with and boners sticking anywhere, anytime..... when I feel that, or get a glimpse of it...it lights me up like a christimas tree....or a little girl let loose in a candy store.

Sexual desire from our spouses is a beatiful gift, in my opinion...one that many take for granted -for whatever reason. Some of these same wives....if/when this dries up someday....they will be wondering what the hell happened.
 

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I'm a H/D woman and I LOVE to be held and cuddled but my H gets regular sex so it's not an issue.
He knows he'll get to grope the boob later ;)

Being told you can hug and cuddle without the sex seems kinda mean though...
To me it's like going to a buffet and being allowed to get a plate of yummy food and being allowed to hold it and smell it...but your not allowed to 'eat' it.... AARRHH!!

But I can relate to wanting to cuddle when watching a movie and not feel like your wrestling with your octopus husband all the way through...that's just kinda annoying.

On the 'why woman want to hug'... I can only speak for myself.

I like my manly man. There is NO better feeling to me than being in my his arms. It's a cure all. Whether I'm happy, sad, lonely, horny etc... having those arms around me makes any moment feel better.
 

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When my husband and I go to sleep and we cuddle he always grabs onto my boobs.I like it 1)It relaxes me.2)He loves it and it relaxes him too.During the night I place his hands on my boobs.Its really comforting.Even when we cuddle and watch movies during the night he puts his hands there to.Not moving just has it there.
 
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