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I really really need help, I am clueless and lost and don’t know what to do.
I got married 5 month ago to a girl I’ve been with since high school.
I remember her constantly asking me when are we going to get married. Its not that I didn’t want to do it but the concept never made sense to me. I surprised her with a ring and we finally got married after 8 years.
I know she was extremely happy that we got married but then right immediately things started to change….

Our honeymoon was more like an old couple on a boring vacation, no sex unless I begged for it and for the first time after 8 years, she wanted to go out alone and chat with people at the bar and didn’t care if I was drunk and alone in our hotel room.

We got back from our vacation but her behavior continued to get worse. She got a really nice promotion at work and started to make more money than she could ever imagine but as a result she started to come home late and go to bars with “guys from work”. She became rude and aggressive towards me and started to disregard most of my requests. We completely stopped having sex.
I confronted her once and she said she is going through some rough time at work and she is really tired sometimes.
So I started to give her more attention and get even more “lovey-dovey” with her.
I even let her go out and have fun with all these guys she met at work, however, it really bothered me that she was the only girl in the crowed and some of the things they discussed at work was very inappropriate.
She started to come home late and often half drunk. She put a password on her phone and changed the phone settings so text messages cannot be read.
She was always texting this one older guy day and night. Some days she would come home eat then sit on a sofa and text for hours then pretend to go to sleep really early. Then 4 hours later when I would go to bed, there she was still texting and not sleep!
I told her that I didn’t like this guy texting her so much and she got really upset.
She called me controlling and old fashion, she said the guy is old, ugly and socially awkward but since he is a CEO of a big company it’s always good to have a connection.

I began to get depressed and spend most of my time in my room while she was in her office texting and working on her computer.
Weeks went by and she didn’t care to notice that we are not even spending an hour together. She would refuse to go shopping with me or watch a movie even at home!
We grew apart and I had to hide my frustration.
As a desperate attempt to make her come back to me, I started to tell her how much I loved her more than ever and told her how much I missed her when she is out having fun.

After 4 months of hell, she changed. We relocated somewhere else and she became a new person. Texting and not wanting to go out didn’t change but at least she became a happy person.
Couple of weeks ago I received a bad news and for the first time in my life I had to check her phone and went through her text messages….
My wife and the “old guy” were having a love affair for the past 4 months. My wife denies any sexual relationship but agrees that it was just a matter of time before they did it. I can’t believe she would do this to me right after we got married.
I feel I don’t even know her, I feel lost and very depressed.

The old guy is exactly twice my wife’s age.
I sent him a text two days after the incident and he sent one back being all cold and straightforward with me and never apologized to me.
I can literally ruin his life, I know where he lives, I have his text messages trash talking about the owner of his company and his wife. I found him on facebook and linkedin.
It feels like a nightmare I cant wake up from, please help.
 

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I doubt she changed right after you all got married. My guess is, she was always like this even when dating, and perhaps in HER mind the thought a ring on her finger would change it, and it didn't. I think if you truly want to try and save your marriage you are going to have to lay ground rules and set boundaries. Even a ultimatim might be in order. If she isn't willing to try and meet you half way, then go ahead and present her with separation/divorce papers.

She needs to cut all contact with this other guy. She needs to stop going out to bars and hanging out with guys. You need to make it clear to her if she wants to work on things she can't do those things anymore. Its not acceptable and she is acting like a young school girl who wants to sow her wild oats. If thats the case and shes not willing to help save the marriage, then show her the door.
 

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Is your wife still working at the same company with this man?
 

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Go to the courthouse and get the paperwork to file for an annulment. It is cheaper and faster than a divorce. Tell her if she doesn't sign it you will expose her and her lover to everyone. Then when you get the annulment tell the other man's wife and family. Nice parting shot. Get this vampire woman out of your life. She is a fake and a user.
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It sounds like your wife doesn't really want to be married. What she really wanted was to have "the big day" and wear "the dress" and have "the ring." Now that the wedding hoopla is over, there's not much left .....:(

I agree with bandit45, see about an annulment.
 

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I like the annulment idea. Then expose them after you get it.

I sounds like the OM is not married. At some point you should show the texts he sent to his partner. The partner should know the kind of man he's in business with.

Make sure that your wife's family knows what she is doing as well.
 

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Running around ruining the OM's life, texting and stalking him on social media is a passive aggressive thing to do. He doesn't owe you anything. This is between you and her. I'd put her stuff out on the lawn and be done with it. Even if she stops all this now and you can forgive her, she'll never respect you. This is over. Move on.
 

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Running around ruining the OM's life, texting and stalking him on social media is a passive aggressive thing to do. He doesn't owe you anything. This is between you and her. I'd put her stuff out on the lawn and be done with it. Even if she stops all this now and you can forgive her, she'll never respect you. This is over. Move on.
You must be a past OM to someone.
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If you do want to take her back you need to get the truth. i don't believe for one second that this is the only affair this woman has had. I mean come on sir you just laid down for so long that your wife probably got passed around half of the office. You need to get the truth and you get that by doing a 180 and manning up. GET SOME D PAPERS and have her served. Tell her you will sign unless she fesses up. You are rug sweeping this whole deal and don't be surprised when you find out that she has had multiple affairs.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
Its very difficult for me to share this part of my life with my friends and family, its way too embarrassing for me, on the other hand, keeping it to myself is eating me inside although my new drinking "habit" seems to help a little.
So thanks everyone for your thoughts and feedbacks, I've been really lonely and lost over the past few weeks and its nice to share and get some feedbacks from others on this forum.
Thanks
 

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You really do need to stop your new 'habit'. That will not help at all.

Part of the work you need to do is to get over being embarrassed. You did not do anything wrong, you wife did. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. It takes 2-5 years to recover from being betrayed by your spouse. It's is a horrible wound she has inflicted on you.

One of the things that is often suggested to a person in your situation is to go see a doctor about medical help for depression. What you are going through now is one of the hardest things a person can face in life. You sound very down/depressed. Anti-depressants do not numb a person. They just make it easier to deal with the stresses of the situation. The way you feel right now can last for months. I think was in that state for about 1 year. Then it tapered off slowly over the next few years.

Please do talk to someone near you who can give you support. You really do need someone in your life who can help you.

What are your thoughts about reconciliation or divorce? What do you want to do?

If you want to reconcile it’s a good idea to expose the affair… tell her family, yours and the OM”s partner everything. This will put pressure on your wife to stop the affair. The OM will be too busy with his life falling apart to continue an affair. He’ll most likely dump your wife in a heartbeat.
 

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Go to the courthouse and get the paperwork to file for an annulment. It is cheaper and faster than a divorce. Tell her if she doesn't sign it you will expose her and her lover to everyone. Then when you get the annulment tell the other man's wife and family. Nice parting shot. Get this vampire woman out of your life. She is a fake and a user.
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I am lying if I tell you that I didn't think of doing all that. but....
I wish it was that easy, my whole life just turned upside down and I am tying to put all the bits and pieces of whats left of it together just to get a clue of what happened before I do something that I could regret forever.
 

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You need a break brother, go start working out and get your self together. Right now you need to look out for your self and take care of your self for the fight to come.

I can tell you with experience that if you let this go and blow it off she will continue. See my wifes first affair was sweept under the carpet, she continued for 13 years with 20 different men.

So my point is get your head clear and come back fighting, you diserve good things and do not have to tolorate this crap. Sharing your wife is not the way to live your life...trust me! Her behavior will snowball and years from now while you stay home watching your kids she will be doing God knows what, by that time it will come so easy for her and her self esteem will be shot after being used by excutive after excutive. As she gets used time and time again she will be come more bitter and broken.

This is 22 yrs of marriage experience talking. You do not want this women taking care of your in your old age. Even if she did, just imagine the kind of care she would give you when your old and bed ridden.

Its not what knock us down that counts it how we get back up that matters.
 

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CEO's of big companies DO NOT have time to hang in bars chatting and drinking. they simply don't.

Look expose the affair wide and far - she's played you hard, taken part of your soul out with a knife and still feels no regret.

Tomorrow - find this guys GF or wife - and send the evidence you have to her. Don't warn him, don't warn your wife. Just do it. Yes she will be pissed, but this is one of the best strongest moves to serious hurt the affair.

Next, get to a lawyer and find out your options. Hopefully you can still get an annulment due to fraud on her part.

Realize that she's been going out to bars meeting guys since your honeymoon or maybe before. This one guy may not be the first, and he likely won't be the last.

You've tried being lovely dovey, you've tried being a doormat - that doesn't work - it only erodes respect for you and turns you into a very non-attractive wimp in her eyes.

You want the girl - you gotta take down the other men, and you've got to stand up to her hard - enforce proper boundaries and demand full honest and transparency.

If she can't be honest, and won't follow boundaries - then move on because she isn't in the marriage with even one foot.
 
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