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My wife travels a lot alone. I let her travel freely to see music, visit friends, get some rest, etc. She is away right now, and has been away since December 29th, and we were not together for New Years Eve (I trust her). Setting her free to grow and learn has always been my style, but it now looks like she did the nasty for a few years while traveling, and what's worse, with a friend of ours.

Today, I needed to find some documents in her office, and came across a diary from 2003-2005. In it she describes a love affair she had with our friend, and the details are pretty graphic. I am in shock, but now not surprised, as since these years our love life has cratered. It all makes sense now. She has been cold and depressed, insulting me when looking to be intimate (see my other 2 posts on this).

This past Summer I had a dream that she was having affairs while traveling. I confronted her, and she denied it, but I now know my intuitions were right. Subtle hints over the years should not have been ignored.

Now what do I do? Just the thought of kissing her lips after reading about her BJ's to this guy, and how he made he climax, makes me never want to have sex with her again. Did they have unprotected sex? Did she expose me to STD's? does she still want him?

I want to divorce her right away. However, our youngest is still 13. I make a lot of money so maybe she is just hanging on. I love our kids. My love for her ended today.

What should my next steps be? She comes home tomorrow and I know I am going to be a mess?

Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks
 

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Leave the diary open on the kitchen table and stay somewhere else for a few days.
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We won't discuss the wisdom of letting her travel alone for 'fun'.
But that is probably not why she decided to become involved in an affair.

If she has been distant and cold with you recently, then the odds of her being in an affair at the moment are very high.

Do not make any marriage-changing decisions right now though.
Take some time. Is it possible for you to arrange an innocent looking trip away from the house for a few days?

You should first consult a lawyer to find out what your rights and responsibilities are/would be in a separation or divorce.

You should investigate for signs and evidence of an ongoing affair.

While she's gone, keylog her computer if it is home. When she comes home tomorrow, accidentally step on her phone and offer to take it in to be fixed - or find a different way to obtain the phone.

You should look through her phone records online if possible - do it tonight. Look for patterns of calls to numbers that keep appearing.
 

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1. Read and prepare to do the 180.
2. Seperate your finances immediately do not allow any of the money you earn be used to support her life style outside of the home.
3. See an attorney and get started on a D. May not happen but you need to get your options set.
4. Get tested for STD's
5. Move her out of your room to the guest room, most states will not allow you to keep her out of the house.
6. DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE!!!!
7. Expose the affair to your family, her family, the OMW.
8. Go to a Doctor and get checked out if you need antidepresants you will need a Doctor to know what you are going through and for him to prescribe appropriately.
9. DO NOT DRINK!!!
10. Eat well and work out you need to take care of yourself for your daughter.
11. Your Daughter is old enough and is going to find out, find a counselor for her so that she can work it out because this will be difficult for her.
12. If you need to vent use this site, do not get physical with your wife even if she provokes you with her attitude or her comments.
Some WS do this so they can say you are a Bad person.
13. Get a VAR and keep it with you at all times and turn it on when you are talking with her. Protects you from her lying about what you have said or did to her.
14. This is only a Start, others know more read and learn.
 

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I found the a diary by accident in a cabinet with some of our files. Does that matter?
Don't get all PC about looking for evidence of her betrayal. She lied to you and kept you in the dark about your own marriage. Don't you think you have the right to know whats been hidden from you so you could make your own decisions about your marriage?

Go through the house, her closets, computer files, phone records, everything. Over turn her deception and take back the right of self determination for yourself.

Make copies of everything and secure them.
 

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Keep the Diary it is in your house. Make a copy and keep it where she cannot get it.

Myself, I would see a lawyer immediatly, if you cannot get to one before she comes home, I would confront her with the Diary the minute she walked in the door.

Prepare your questions so you know what you are going to ask, don't wing it. Have her write out a time line. Don't let her turn the conversation on how you violated her privacy by going through her things.

Man up guy, you are in for the fight of your life, emotionally and physically this will take a toll
 

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Should I see a Divorce Layer before confronting her?
I don't think it's necessary. If you think this is a deal breaker for you, 9 years later, then you will need a lawyer eventually.

Should I make copies of the Diary?
Absolutely yes! Both on paper and a digital copy. And keep at least one copy out of the house where she can't get her hands on it.
 

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Should I see a Divorce Layer before confronting her?

Should I make copies of the Diary?
Definitely make copies! Consult an Attorney asap but don't sign up with the first person you see just to lawyer up quickly. Do your research.

Im kind of a bitter person towards this kind if happenstance (see my user name lol) So I would change the locks and leave a fee copies of her diary pages taped to the door with a very angry letter stating something the lines of gtfo you cheating $lut.

However the smart thing to do would be keep quiet while you find out your rights as far as divorce is concerned. Get your stuff in order and have a VAR when and if you confront her just yo cover your ass if she gets crazy. Hopefully her cheating=no alimony in your neck of the woods.

Good luck to you, stay strong.
 

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I found the a diary by accident in a cabinet with some of our files. Does that matter?
No it does not matter. As a cheater she will try to attack you for invading her privacy and try to make you into the bad for this. Cheaters almost always do this. It is a standard part of the cheaters script. Part of it is they will pretend to get very angry in order to intimidate you into focusing on privacy as the issue instead of her cheating. Do not let her get away with this. Do not pay any attention to it when she says this. Look her in the eye and tell her that "You have got to be kidding me, I catch you cheating on me and you want to talk about your privacy, how about we talk about the real issue instead, the one that decides the future of our marriage." After this ignore her privacy comments and redirect it to the cheating. Use graphic terms like "how could you f*ck another man and think that this is OK?"

BTW, if she cheated back then, she is still cheating now which is why you get little to no sex from her.
 

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Steel yourself. Do not appear emotional. Don't yell or scream. Be calm (but don't use alcohol to achieve that state).

Other posters are recommending immediate confrontation. Personally, I question that wisdom. What happened 20 years ago - is not an immediate issue. It needs to be dealt with forcefully and fully.

But I would ensure that there is no ongoing affair. To answer that, she will either have to tell you - or you have to discover it.

If you think she will be truthful then confront now and ask. I think you know she would not admit to one. So I would take a few days and keylog her computer, VAR her car. collect and secure the evidence you have.

See a lawyer.
Try to look at her phone without her knowing. Check for texts.
Check phone records.

Above all. Get hold of yourself. It is natural for you to be in a state of panic, fear, anger, and despair. If these emotions are overwhelming you see a doctor as soon as you can.

Who is taking care of your daughter?
Is she at home?
Has she noticed your frantic state?

Calm her and reassure her that she is loved but do not share any information with her. Do not belittle her mother to her. Do not confront your wife with your daughter in the house.
 

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I hesitate to say this but, is this her only affair, or the only one you know about?:(

Get yourself tested for STDs and -sorry- get DNA tests on all your children.

But if it was one affair, you could save the marriage if you both want to. Counselling would be a must, however.
 

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I strongly recommend you have a VAR on you when you confront. She may try to make a false domestic violence accusation and get a restraining order on you. This is a common tactic women(and some men) use when confronted with the possibility of divorce to gain exclusive use of the marital home and sole child custody. Protect yourself so if the police are called then you can show them evidence that there was no violence.

See a lawyer ASAP if you are the breadwinner and the "moneyed" spouse. You will need to learn what to do to protect yourself from paying spousal support or lessen the amount and duration if you are forced to.

Time is on your side. You should take some time to process this situation and decide how you wish to respond. You are the one who has the moral high ground. You are in control. Try not to become angry or emotional when you confront and if possible have an adult friend around and your daughter somewhere else. She doesn't need to know what is going on at this point.

Come here often to vent and read and practice the 180 for a little while. Best of luck.
 

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Should I see a Divorce Layer before confronting her?

Should I make copies of the Diary?
Yes and store them outside the house. I'd also record you making the copies to create a chain of custody.

I don't know that I'd confront immediately. See the attorney, get the addresses of the appropriate family members and ex frind's address.

For me, it would be a cold day in Hell before she ever travelled on my dime again. Isolate your finances.

Thirteen is a bad age to deal with this...but there are no GOOD ages. Consult a child psychologist or two.

Definitely do the 180.
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