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Discussion Starter #1
So here's my situation,

My wife of nearly six years just told me that she has been cheating on my for the last two months, starting in late February. March 4th we found out she was 5 weeks pregnant (so definitely mine......I think???). She said its some guy I don't know and that they slept together twice, once before and once after we found out about the baby. I'm SO freaking upset, and hurt, and confused, and sick to my stomach. I've been doing nothing but reading about infidelity online since I found out. I had to leave the house, cause I just can't look at my wife. I've been staying at a hotel and don't know what to do from here.

I keep going back and forth between feelings of despair and thinking "How can I ever love her again?" to hopefulness because I read stories of people who's marriage is supposedly better after an affair.

Most of the time though I feel like I would leave her if not for the baby. I mean, that's MY KID (our first). I don't want that kid to grow up with split up parents. I don't want partial visitation rights, I want him/her to grow up in a solid household with two loving biological parents, like i did.

If I leave my wife, it will ruin her. She is so ashamed of what she's done and she is SOOOOO sorry. I can't imagine her having to face our families and friends and admit to her cheating on me as we were trying/were newly pregnant. She'd be humiliated and crushed....and she already has self image/self esteem issues.

When I think of the hurt it would cause if I left her, and the damage it would cause to my future kids life, I think there's no way I can leave her. I think that we can just keep this quiet from everyone, get counseling at a different church, and work through this...

BUT HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO GET OVER THIS!?!

ALL i can think about is her F$*$ing another guy! WITH MY BABY GROWING INSIDE HER! AUGH!!!!!!

How can I ever get over that?

I don't want to live a miserable life with a sham marriage just cause I think it would be "good" for my kid. I know raising kids in a broken marriage can be just as bad, or worse than raising them in two different households.

I DO love her, I always have. We were high school sweethearts and have been together for over 12 years now. If I knew that we could get back to a loving marriage and I could forgive her, then I should try for that in order to provide the right life for my kid....but I'm so torn, because if there were no kid, I think I'd be gone, so then I feel like I'm justifying doing the "wrong" thing just because of a child.

I don't know what to do, I'm sorry this is so long. Where do I go from here?

I had to miss the first ultrasound cause of work, but I was so excited for the next one in a few weeks....

NOW.....

This was supposed to be the start of something so special (becoming a FAMILY!) and I feel like she's stolen that from me. I also feel so pressured, because if this IS going to get reconciled, I feel like I have 7 months to do it, and from everything I read, its a MUCH LONGER process.

:(
 

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Well, man...sorry you're here. It really sucks to add another to the rank and file of TAM.

Anyway, you're going to hear a lot of advice and it's gonna come at you really rapid fire. Take a breath. Read. Absorb. This is going to be the most difficult thing you have ever been through.

Before anything else, I need you to hear something: Your wife may have admitted to sleeping with the guy twice. But...how did it get to that point? You are going to learn a term called trickle truth. Every cheater does it. It's part self-preservation and part marriage-preservation.

Sorry, man.
 

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Did you have suspicions or did she just confess on her own?

Did she say why she cheated? Why she confessed? Why they broke up?

Who was he? Is he still around her?
 

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Have you been reading up in the infidelity forum? There HAS to be consequences to her actions. If there's not, she's not going to fully understand the impact of what she's done. That means confessing what she's done to her parents and yours. It means transparency in communications. It means counselling/therapy to understand WHY she chose to do this, with your baby inside her. If it was me, it would also mean a polygraph to ascertain the possibility of the baby not being yours, as well as a DNA test and STD tests.

You can't trust her as to the how many times and when it started, BTW. Or even if this is her first time. Not on a first confession.

Btw, why did she confess? How did they meet? How did they communicate?

C
 

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You can't forgive unless you know what, why, etc.

How are your finances? Do you have family and close friends nearby? Does she?

Did anyone else know what she was doing and supported her lies and betrayal?
 

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That's terrible. I'm on a similar timeline, minus the baby, that's definitely a huge complication. I was trickle-truthed, for all I know it's still being done to me, and things only seem to get worse from the initial confession.

You'll hear harsh words and tough advice here. I think it's done from a place of love... empathy, but steel yourself and consider the wisdom of people who know this story well.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Wow, thanks for all the replies. (that was fast)

I'll reply to you all in a bit, I just realized its 4:00 pm and I haven't eaten anything all day...probably not helping my sick feeling.

Gonna go get something to eat so I can think and reply clearly.

Thanks again for the outpouring of quick replies.

TNB
 

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You only have her (worthless for now) word that you got her pregnant. It could easily be him and the affair could be several months. You need the whole truth.
 

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I know it's tough, but make sure to try to eat something during the day and get plenty of water. In the first month or so I lost over 20 pounds. The Affair Diet isn't recommended by ANY f'ng health center.

When you come back, there are probably gonna be a lot more replies. As Mars up there asked, "Who is he?" Seriously. She's gonna tell you it's someone you don't know. So, ask who he is. You need his name. His marriage status and everything else. If she is unwilling to give that info, it will be time for you to really harden your heart cuz you'll be in for a long f'ng ride if you choose to stay.
 

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You only have her (worthless for now) word that you got her pregnant. It could easily be him and the affair could be several months. You need the whole truth.
Yes get details, why did she choose now to confess and find out who om is
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You can't forgive unless you know what, why, etc.
Yes true forgiveness and truthfulness will com about through a release of all of the details.

How are your finances? Do you have family and close friends nearby? Does she?
Did anyone else know what she was doing and supported her lies and betrayal?
Someone always knows and maintains the lies and betrayal. It could be most of her circle and some of yours. These people will also turn on you if they support her and mess your life up really good.
 

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It wasn't twice. The man dumped your wife and she decided that before you hear it from some third party, tell you herself.

[Edit: Oh forgot to add, the man was smart, I'll give him that. He didn't want to raise someone else's child if the woman got too infatuated and left you to be with him. And if you don't get the details quick and expose, he'll walk away with his score on the billboard.]

She slept with someone after finding out about the bun in the oven? And she says she is remorseful now? OOO-kay. Right.

"She'd be humiliated and crushed"

Oh I am so so sorry for her. In the meantime, how about focusing on how you feel about the whole mess?

Get tested for STDs.
 

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I know it's tough, but make sure to try to eat something during the day and get plenty of water. In the first month or so I lost over 20 pounds. The Affair Diet isn't recommended by ANY f'ng health center.
Seconded. I went from 175 to 149 from late February to the end of March. It briefly got better through a few false reconciliations (trickle truth) and then got way worse each time I was knocked back down.

I wasn't eating (but I was puking, especially at first), nervous energy, little/no sleep, started drinking/smoking, etc. I just wanted time to go by and it seemed to slow to a crawl just to spite me. 5AM, smoking a cigarette to pass 10 minutes, taking a shot to blur time and maybe even pass out/sleep.

I've been eating better... or at least eating... for the past few weeks. I've been taking better care of myself all around. My stomach is still torn up, churning, especially in the morning.
 

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Sorry you are here, but glad you found us.

Is the baby yours?

Your wife said you do not know who the other man is. Really? She might by lying about this.

If there is any chance of reconciliation you need for her to be totally, 100% honest and open with you.

She has to name him to you and his wife or girl friend must be informed by the both of you.

You must also insist on STD and HIV tests and as some STDs can harm unborn babies the paediatricians and doctors must be told what your wife did.

Your wife might not like this. Well, that's too bad. She made this bed, now she gets to lie in it.
 

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I'm so so sorry for what you're about to go through Torn.

You need to find out all the info you can about the affair. This may take time and will come out bit by bit (Trickle Truth). Without knowing what you're dealing with before you make a decision you'll have to live with.

Please tell your parents and close friends about the affair. You'll need all the support you can get.
 

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Torn you have to first find out what you are potentially forgiving her for then you have to expose. Is the other guy married? gf? I would make her move out of the house for at least a few weeks tell her you need time to decide.
 
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