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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My wife and I were college sweethearts. We met early during collwge and have been together since then. We have been married for 10 years, have 3 wonderful kids, good jobs, nice house, good emotional and physical bond. We love each other extremely.

I knew that she had talked to another guy (15 years back in college) during a rough patch in our relationship. I had known about that and at that time she swore to me it was ONLY talking. I never knew how much talking there was but thought it was not that much. He was there for her, listened to her, told her how beautiful/smart, etc she was. He gave her what I wasn't able to from an emotional standpoint. When this happenned, I realized that I owned some of it since I was going through some personal issues which caused me to shut her out. I experienced some heavy trauma during childhood and was dealing with that which made me unavailable for her emotionally. The guy she talked to was a friend of a friend. This guy was a complete loser. Fat, alcoholic, drug abuser, slob who had nothing going for him. He was a complete loser but read quite a bit and acted like a wanna be intellect. I saw through his bull**** but others like my wife couldn't. One night while I was out of town on business, she ended up giving him a ride home. My wife swears nothing happenned that night and all they did was talk. That was when they exchanged numbers and the emotional affair began.

Fast forward a few months (15 years back when I still didn't know anything was going on), I intercept a phone call where I hear him asking her how she could stay with me and after all they had. As expected, I went ape **** and started freaking out. She confessed that they had been talking and like I mentioned it was only an emotional affair. I forgave her and we moved on with our lives.

Back to the present... A few months back, after some heavy drinking I asked my wife if she had ever cheated on me. She looked at me and confessed that the guy she had an emotional affair was also physical. I made her tell me all the details and she confessed to sleeping with him 3 times. How could she to that us? How could she do that with him? My life completely broke down hearing that. It was like getting hit in the groin by a bag of bricks. I couldn't believe it. I drilled for more questions and she has been pretty open describing everything from when/how it happenned to sex positions etc. I thought I had to know these things but now I can't stop replaying the story over and over again. I'm having a hard time sleeping, can't concentrate at work, have had a quick temper with my kids. Life is in a tailspin.

She swears that she's given me the entire truth. She was very fragile and felt alone in the world. He talked to her and lightened up the heavy burden of dealing with me and I was going through my own hell. She said she never loved him. She said she didn't even find him physically appealing. She just feed off his words. They allowed her to escape her life and feel free. The affair lasted ~6 weeks. They talked for a few weeks on the phone (daily), then he met her after class for a few weeks where it started to get physical (kissing, touching, rubbing). The last 2 weeks of the affair she had sex with him. She says this has completely destroyed her on the inside. Destroyed her psyche. It wasn't within her character to do that and it has broken her and question herself. She's had to deal with keeping this secret and it has eaten at her soul daily. I want to believe her cause I love her so much. The reason she didn't tell me was she didn't want to hurt me knowing how fragile and hurt I already by my past. She seems authentically sorry about it. She swears the physical/sexual is what caused her to turn back to me. She realized how much she loved me. She said once the emotional turned physical, it made her realize what a big mistake she had made. She saw how immature her thinking was and that I meant everything to her.

My problem is that I'm not sure if I can get past this. It consumes all of my thoughts. Our marriage has been good for 10 years. She's a great wife and an awesome mother. She's there for me emotionally. We communicate really well and enjoy each other's company. She's my best friend as I am hers. We love each other very much. Like most couples it not complete bliss but overall very good.

There are days where I think I can get past this and others where I want to leave and start over again. She pleads that she doesn't want her life to be defined by this single act which was completely out of character. She wants to make us work and part of me does as well. I don't want to hurt my kids but I don't want this to eat me up inside for the rest of my life. I don't know what I should do. Is she telling me the complete truth? Should I stay or get out? Females - does this sound legitimate? Is what she telling me something plausible?

TL;DR: Wife confessed an emotional affair 15 years back was also physical when we were still in college. Knew about the emotional. Just found out about the physical. They had an affair for 6-8 weeks in which she had sex 3 times. I don't know what to do. Should I stay or go?
 

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She cheated. It wasn't one act. It was three acts that you know of along with the EA.

This is really difficult, but don't let her off with the " I was only trying to protect you line." To mislead you into thinking you had a trusting relationship that you could build a stable family around was beyond selfish. She was only thinking about herself.

If she had come clean when it happened that is one thing, but if your wife could lie to your face for 15 years what does that tell you. I'm not saying you should leave her, just that your relationship was built on a lie. And if you want to move forward, you will have to scrap what you have and rebuild from the ground up with your wife.

Best wishes!
 

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I hate to bring this up - but does her getting pregnant coincide with the timing of the affair?

Basically she has let you live a lie for the last 15 years. You now have a decision to make. Would you have divorced her if you found out about the PA when it happened?

It is your choice now. She made her choice to have sex with OM and lie to you about it. The ball is in your court. Can you forgive her or not?
 

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So the past 15 years of your marriage were a lie...

Maybe you should pulla 180, and take a week off from your wife (not to date around) but to figure out what you really want in life.

Imagine your future, what you see, what you want.
Then see if you can imagine a wife fitting into that.
Then see if you can fit your current wife into that.

Because if you can't, divorce is probably the option.

What scares me, is she says how this affair destroyed her psyche, her mind, ate her insides...

So how did she put up with this for 15 years?
That is what really worries me.
 

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Personally, if a person really loved me, they could not lie to me for 15 straight years. Don't believe the "I wanted to spare your feelings" bit one second. She didn't do it for you, she lied to protect herself.

The sex was so bad that she did it 3 times huh?

More than likely what happened was the OM got what she wanted (SEX) after 6 weeks and so after using her, he dumped her, and you were the backup plan for the next 15 years.

If you do stay with her, you have a huge emotional hurdle to overcome that not many people could.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
She cheated. It wasn't one act. It was three acts that you know of along with the EA.

This is really difficult, but don't let her off with the " I was only trying to protect you line." To mislead you into thinking you had a trusting relationship that you could build a stable family around was beyond selfish. She was only thinking about herself.

If she had come clean when it happened that is one thing, but if your wife could lie to your face for 15 years what does that tell you. I'm not saying you should leave her, just that your relationship was built on a lie. And if you want to move forward, you will have to scrap what you have and rebuild from the ground up with your wife.

Best wishes!
Exactly! I stated the same thing when she said that. I said it was 3 mistakes. I asked why she kept going back to have sex after the first time if she realized it was a mistake. Her reply was she thought there was something more there. He had fed her all these words and she felt connected. She said she thought the first time was just awkward because it was the first time. She thought it would get better but says the more it happened the more she realized it was a mistake and wanted me.

I feel like our relationship is built on a lie too. Had I known the truth back then, I 100,000% would have left her. I feel jaded cause she's telling me know. Know when have built a life and brought 3 innocent children into this world.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Are you sure your kids are yours DNA them so you don't drive yourself nuts wondering.
The kids are mine. I'm sure of that. We dated for another 5 years and then got married. Have been married for the last 10. Had kids once we got married. Unless she was secretly seeing him behind my back, I'm pretty confident they are mine.
 

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Well, this is why you dump women on the spot, no matter how much they claim it was "only" emotional, like that makes a difference. This Sh!t haunts you forever. Just like this guy, who made the question 15 years later and did not like the answer.

OP, i know this is hard to hear, but DNA test your kids. At least to verify that wasn't a lie too.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Your marriage is a sham, built on lies and deceit. How you proceed should only depend on how much you respect yourself and nothing else.
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I feel like I married under false pretenses. Had I known about the cheating I wouldn't have married her for sure. I think the marriage itself is authentic. We loved and cared for each other (at least from my perspective). She's a great mother and a very supporting wife. I'd like to believe that what she's told me - that was COMPLETELY out of character for her and that she was a young, dumb, immature girl who didn't understand how much she really loved me, is the truth.

I respect myself very highly which is causing me to question if I should stay or leave. I feel like a played out chump who go duped. I never strayed even though I had opportunities. My love and commitment including the thought of hurting her never got me even remotely close. Now I'm wondering if all that was wasted for nothing?
 

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The kids are mine. I'm sure of that. We dated for another 5 years and then got married. Have been married for the last 10. Had kids once we got married. Unless she was secretly seeing him behind my back, I'm pretty confident they are mine.
you didn't think she had a pa also but she did.Sorry but cheaterspeak if it was 3 times that means atleast 6 times or more how long was the affair?
 

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Can you get the marriage anulled under these circumstances? Any family lawyers here that can tell us this?

If you really want to get out of this, it involves:

Pulling a 180
Working on yourself
Filing for Divorce by yesterday
Staying on good terms with your kids
Putting the house up for sale
And telling your stbxw you won't stand for this sh!t
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Personally, if a person really loved me, they could not lie to me for 15 straight years. Don't believe the "I wanted to spare your feelings" bit one second. She didn't do it for you, she lied to protect herself.

The sex was so bad that she did it 3 times huh?

More than likely what happened was the OM got what she wanted (SEX) after 6 weeks and so after using her, he dumped her, and you were the backup plan for the next 15 years.

If you do stay with her, you have a huge emotional hurdle to overcome that not many people could.
Again..EXACTLY what I thought. If it was bad the first time why did you go back 2 more times. She says she didn't want to believe that it was because it was the first time. She stated that she had an emotional connection with him. He made her feel special, beautiful, smart, perfect..something that I couldn't because I was in my own hell.

I said some mean things like pointing out she got played worse than I did. That she was a cum dumpster for him (I regret using those words now but I did out of anger). I called her a fiddle who got used.

I thought so much more of her. How in the hell did she sleep with him after 4 weeks of just talking!!!?? He never even took her out. Just talked on the phone and met her after class.

She says it's cause she was in a bad place. Had really low self esteem and filled that gap for her. He made her feel special and light where as my problems through earlier childhood trauma were just too heavy and real.
 

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I think you should stay and work it out. The movies will stay in your head, you are going to have to work with them, not against them. It is going to take a long time for you to get to the point were you will be ok with it. I know. You will not be starting a new life with your wife, but you will be starting a new way to interact with each other. She must be honest with you, no matter what! You must be her MAN and work toward a much better relationship. There are no winner or losers, no better or worse, no sluk or saint, just a man and a woman trying to make it in this world.Good luck, I think you two are going to be ok!
 

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That doesn't change the fact that he built his life ontop of quicksand, and now it is all sinking.

Dude, you are just getting of this and your emotions are going to be too raw to really digest.
I would suggest filing simply because if you decide to stick it out, you an stop the proceedings. But if you decide you want to be out and free, you won't have to sit around and wait for the divorce to be finalized.

But you need to figure out what you truly want. Because your emotions are going to be raw for a few weeks before you can figure it out.
 

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Shecheated. Tough spot brother. How is your wife doing? Does she show true remorse? Or is she just afraid of losing you?

Let me say a few things.

There is no building on a rotten foundation. Your marriage was based on a lie. No matter what you two do your life will be forever burdened by this and that is no small thing she did to you.

DO NOT let her minimize what she did! By not being honest with you 15 years ago she prevented you from having a normal and loving relationship with your current wife or some other woman who was in your destiny.

The last thing you want to do is to try to patch up something that is broken and will haunt you forever. I have seen this happen with many friends.

From my experience the best thing to do is to separate and see if there is enough there to start anew. If there is great. You will be starting on a new foundation built on trust. But if you don't do this and just try to tough it out for the kids or because you are afraid of change you will slowly destroy yourself and your marriage.

Give her the 180 and take some time for yourself until the answers start coming to you.
 

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First, sorry you were in the dark for so long. Even though it was so long ago, it's like it happened just when you found out.

Second, I suggest you do not make any life decisions while your emotions are high on the roller coaster! It will take a lot of insight and soul searching before you decide what you need to do. Think this out with your head, not your anger. Do allow yourself and your family the time to do this.

Am I correct? This happened 15 years ago, during a rough time in your relationship? You're married 10 years now, with 3 children. This was five years before you got married? Have your married years been good?

Have you had any counselling for yourself or both if you, since you found out? Have you read any books on how to handle infidelity in a marriage?
 
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