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My wife and I were college sweethearts. We met early during collwge and have been together since then. We have been married for 10 years, have 3 wonderful kids, good jobs, nice house, good emotional and physical bond. We love each other extremely.
I knew that she had talked to another guy (15 years back in college) during a rough patch in our relationship. I had known about that and at that time she swore to me it was ONLY talking. I never knew how much talking there was but thought it was not that much. He was there for her, listened to her, told her how beautiful/smart, etc she was. He gave her what I wasn't able to from an emotional standpoint. When this happenned, I realized that I owned some of it since I was going through some personal issues which caused me to shut her out. I experienced some heavy trauma during childhood and was dealing with that which made me unavailable for her emotionally. The guy she talked to was a friend of a friend. This guy was a complete loser. Fat, alcoholic, drug abuser, slob who had nothing going for him. He was a complete loser but read quite a bit and acted like a wanna be intellect. I saw through his bull**** but others like my wife couldn't. One night while I was out of town on business, she ended up giving him a ride home. My wife swears nothing happenned that night and all they did was talk. That was when they exchanged numbers and the emotional affair began.
Fast forward a few months (15 years back when I still didn't know anything was going on), I intercept a phone call where I hear him asking her how she could stay with me and after all they had. As expected, I went ape **** and started freaking out. She confessed that they had been talking and like I mentioned it was only an emotional affair. I forgave her and we moved on with our lives.
Back to the present... A few months back, after some heavy drinking I asked my wife if she had ever cheated on me. She looked at me and confessed that the guy she had an emotional affair was also physical. I made her tell me all the details and she confessed to sleeping with him 3 times. How could she to that us? How could she do that with him? My life completely broke down hearing that. It was like getting hit in the groin by a bag of bricks. I couldn't believe it. I drilled for more questions and she has been pretty open describing everything from when/how it happenned to sex positions etc. I thought I had to know these things but now I can't stop replaying the story over and over again. I'm having a hard time sleeping, can't concentrate at work, have had a quick temper with my kids. Life is in a tailspin.
She swears that she's given me the entire truth. She was very fragile and felt alone in the world. He talked to her and lightened up the heavy burden of dealing with me and I was going through my own hell. She said she never loved him. She said she didn't even find him physically appealing. She just feed off his words. They allowed her to escape her life and feel free. The affair lasted ~6 weeks. They talked for a few weeks on the phone (daily), then he met her after class for a few weeks where it started to get physical (kissing, touching, rubbing). The last 2 weeks of the affair she had sex with him. She says this has completely destroyed her on the inside. Destroyed her psyche. It wasn't within her character to do that and it has broken her and question herself. She's had to deal with keeping this secret and it has eaten at her soul daily. I want to believe her cause I love her so much. The reason she didn't tell me was she didn't want to hurt me knowing how fragile and hurt I already by my past. She seems authentically sorry about it. She swears the physical/sexual is what caused her to turn back to me. She realized how much she loved me. She said once the emotional turned physical, it made her realize what a big mistake she had made. She saw how immature her thinking was and that I meant everything to her.
My problem is that I'm not sure if I can get past this. It consumes all of my thoughts. Our marriage has been good for 10 years. She's a great wife and an awesome mother. She's there for me emotionally. We communicate really well and enjoy each other's company. She's my best friend as I am hers. We love each other very much. Like most couples it not complete bliss but overall very good.
There are days where I think I can get past this and others where I want to leave and start over again. She pleads that she doesn't want her life to be defined by this single act which was completely out of character. She wants to make us work and part of me does as well. I don't want to hurt my kids but I don't want this to eat me up inside for the rest of my life. I don't know what I should do. Is she telling me the complete truth? Should I stay or get out? Females - does this sound legitimate? Is what she telling me something plausible?
TL;DR: Wife confessed an emotional affair 15 years back was also physical when we were still in college. Knew about the emotional. Just found out about the physical. They had an affair for 6-8 weeks in which she had sex 3 times. I don't know what to do. Should I stay or go?
I knew that she had talked to another guy (15 years back in college) during a rough patch in our relationship. I had known about that and at that time she swore to me it was ONLY talking. I never knew how much talking there was but thought it was not that much. He was there for her, listened to her, told her how beautiful/smart, etc she was. He gave her what I wasn't able to from an emotional standpoint. When this happenned, I realized that I owned some of it since I was going through some personal issues which caused me to shut her out. I experienced some heavy trauma during childhood and was dealing with that which made me unavailable for her emotionally. The guy she talked to was a friend of a friend. This guy was a complete loser. Fat, alcoholic, drug abuser, slob who had nothing going for him. He was a complete loser but read quite a bit and acted like a wanna be intellect. I saw through his bull**** but others like my wife couldn't. One night while I was out of town on business, she ended up giving him a ride home. My wife swears nothing happenned that night and all they did was talk. That was when they exchanged numbers and the emotional affair began.
Fast forward a few months (15 years back when I still didn't know anything was going on), I intercept a phone call where I hear him asking her how she could stay with me and after all they had. As expected, I went ape **** and started freaking out. She confessed that they had been talking and like I mentioned it was only an emotional affair. I forgave her and we moved on with our lives.
Back to the present... A few months back, after some heavy drinking I asked my wife if she had ever cheated on me. She looked at me and confessed that the guy she had an emotional affair was also physical. I made her tell me all the details and she confessed to sleeping with him 3 times. How could she to that us? How could she do that with him? My life completely broke down hearing that. It was like getting hit in the groin by a bag of bricks. I couldn't believe it. I drilled for more questions and she has been pretty open describing everything from when/how it happenned to sex positions etc. I thought I had to know these things but now I can't stop replaying the story over and over again. I'm having a hard time sleeping, can't concentrate at work, have had a quick temper with my kids. Life is in a tailspin.
She swears that she's given me the entire truth. She was very fragile and felt alone in the world. He talked to her and lightened up the heavy burden of dealing with me and I was going through my own hell. She said she never loved him. She said she didn't even find him physically appealing. She just feed off his words. They allowed her to escape her life and feel free. The affair lasted ~6 weeks. They talked for a few weeks on the phone (daily), then he met her after class for a few weeks where it started to get physical (kissing, touching, rubbing). The last 2 weeks of the affair she had sex with him. She says this has completely destroyed her on the inside. Destroyed her psyche. It wasn't within her character to do that and it has broken her and question herself. She's had to deal with keeping this secret and it has eaten at her soul daily. I want to believe her cause I love her so much. The reason she didn't tell me was she didn't want to hurt me knowing how fragile and hurt I already by my past. She seems authentically sorry about it. She swears the physical/sexual is what caused her to turn back to me. She realized how much she loved me. She said once the emotional turned physical, it made her realize what a big mistake she had made. She saw how immature her thinking was and that I meant everything to her.
My problem is that I'm not sure if I can get past this. It consumes all of my thoughts. Our marriage has been good for 10 years. She's a great wife and an awesome mother. She's there for me emotionally. We communicate really well and enjoy each other's company. She's my best friend as I am hers. We love each other very much. Like most couples it not complete bliss but overall very good.
There are days where I think I can get past this and others where I want to leave and start over again. She pleads that she doesn't want her life to be defined by this single act which was completely out of character. She wants to make us work and part of me does as well. I don't want to hurt my kids but I don't want this to eat me up inside for the rest of my life. I don't know what I should do. Is she telling me the complete truth? Should I stay or get out? Females - does this sound legitimate? Is what she telling me something plausible?
TL;DR: Wife confessed an emotional affair 15 years back was also physical when we were still in college. Knew about the emotional. Just found out about the physical. They had an affair for 6-8 weeks in which she had sex 3 times. I don't know what to do. Should I stay or go?
