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I just found out my husband of 22 years has been cheating with prostitutes the entire marriage and before. I'm a fairly bright woman, how did I miss this? I feel so incredibly duped and stupid! I keep waiting to wake up from this nightmare. If you were to ask anyone if my husband was a cheater, let alone with prostitutes, you would hear a resounding "NO". We're talking Mr. stand-up citizen, conservative republican that didn't swear, do drugs, was a neat freak, etc.!
Hindsight is 20/20. Some background information:

We had a great sex life before marriage. Once married, he rarely touched me. This was confusing for me. I would ask to make love and he rarely wanted to. Silly me, I kept hoping things would get better. They didn't! We went to counseling on my urging. We didn't get a lot of help so, he agreed to go to counseling on his own in an attempt to find some resolution.

He grew up very sheltered with a "weird" domineering father. His family never talked about anything. Just painted a picture of "everything is good and fine" in the family. I also knew he had issues around his dad, so I was hoping he could get some help in therapy. He went weekly and insisted that he was making progress. Sex was still sparse. When asking him about it, he just said he was focusing on many issues with his childhood and family, not just sexual issues. Made sense, I waited patiently. In the mean time, we now have 2 beautiful daughters, and life is pretty busy for me.

I remember asking him along the way, on multiple occasions, if his father possibly molested him. Each time, I got the "no way" response! I found out yesterday that his therapist believes there was probably some molestation issues with his father (though he doesn't recall any).

My women's intuition was sounding alarms. I looked at cell phone records and couldn't believe I found a call and text to a massage parlour girl.. I confronted him and at first he said, nothing happened, he couldn't go through with it. I didn't believe it so I called his bluff and he finally coughed up the fact that it was just this one time and he was so sorry. As the day went on, still reeling from this, I decided to keep looking at cell phone bills. OMG, just over the past 3 months, I found upwards of 30 calls to different girls!.After I confronted him about all of the calls and accusing him of cheating on me with multiple escorts, I finally got the whole awful truth out of him. I'm sure that it's even worse than he tells me because I had to pull teeth just to get this out of him

.He tells me he has an addiction, a sex addiction, that started way before he met me. WHAT?? How did I miss this? This picture did not "fit" him, in any way. I'm in shock right now. He says this has been going on in fits and spurts over the years.

He had full access to me, yet opted for prostitutes. He says it's way more than a sex thing.

I'm beyond confused. I don't know what to do. I have 2 daughters (19 and 20) at college and a 14 year old son at home. How do I tell the kids whats going on? If this is truly an addiction, I think it should be dealt with out in the open, but I know this would devastate the kids.. I've read different sides of to tell or not to tell the kids and I see both sides.

I know I play a part in this, too. I stayed in it, in my own denial, hoping things would get better. I also couldn't fathom breaking up the family, for my kids sake. I know the side of it's not better for the kids to have poor role models for parents, but I just chose what I thought the lesser of 2 evils.

I would appreciate any constructive comments/help with this.

Thank you,
Patty
 

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I am so sorry you are going through this. I wouldn't say anything to my children until I had gone to therapy for help, this is such an overwhelming problem I really think professional help is needed.
 

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I am so sorry you are going through this. I wouldn't say anything to my children until I had gone to therapy for help, this is such an overwhelming problem I really think professional help is needed.
I agree, and am also so sorry you have to go through this. But I would agree. You must seek professional help. Both via a therapist as well as possible legal help to know exactly what your options are if you decided to end your marriage. If you do decide to end it, you are not a "poor role model". He knew the risks and he took them anyway.

I would also encourage you to have EVERYTHING in order and mapped out of how your are going to proceed before your tell your children. They are going to want answers and solutions, not limbo. Limbo would just add to the damage.
 

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I'm SO sorry you are going through this! I too found out a year ago that my husband of 27 years had been leading a double life for 8 years and had been sporadically cheating before that, for all of 18 years total! When I found out by chance, and since I had access to his accounts, passwords and everything after that day, I saw that he had stopped the behavior 5 months prior, completely, and that the entire year before, he had worked hard at stopping the behavior, going out with "only" 3 women, seeing at least I know of two, only once, but he did have sex with them. He had, in mind and spirit, divorced me.
I decided to stay too because I have three kids, no career, I've known him for 30 years and because he had stopped because he wanted and not because I caught him. It has been SO hard though, I have flashbacks, imagine him with the hundreds of women he's been too, the thousands of lies, to my face, all those years...HOW could I have missed this? How could I have chosen such an emotionally damaged individual to be my husband, the father of my children, my best friend...HOW? Well, these men are amazing liars, manipulators, they study really hard how to do it, and they chose people like you and I, trusting, sweet, with good, solid emotional backgrounds that could not even fathom the idea of them doing something SO out of character! You could have told me he was an axe murderer before you could've told me he was addicted to sex, online dating hundreds of women, creating a FILE at home with their pictures, names, where he met them and on which date (1,2, o 3rd) he F them, some were NF...but most were. HOW could I miss this when in 2009 a woman CALLED me and told me...well, I had two young kids and an adolescent daughter with an eating disorder, I was working, getting up at 5 am so I could leave at 2:30 to go pick them up, and be involved in their lives, make dinner...while he got out of the house at 8 am, and by 5, about 3 times a week, he had "dinners" he needed to attend to, work related, and I TRUSTED....Now I know I just couldn't deal with it, so I chose to lie to him, and to myself, period.
He tells me I never wanted to have sex, that he felt rejected...well, he wasn't the nicest person to be around, he criticized my every word, so I didn't feel I wanted to be with him, by 2011 I was convinced he didn't love me, and I didn't know if I loved him anymore, I slept in a different room and all. I avoided him.
Then May 2012 I sat at my computer and saw his email open, the one with the password, and I go to that day in 2009 to see the emails this woman and he exchanged...and I found ....HORROR, secret accounts, hundreds of women, he was divorced with TWO kids and not three, all the pictures he took while on vacation with the family, but of him alone (yes he did that), now made sense, his privacy, secret passwords, not wearing the wedding ring because he doesn't like jewelry of any kind....all BS. He is SO detached that our kids call him by his first name and not DAD. I guess his value as a man came NOT from being the best father, husband and friend he could be, but from lying, cheating, dishonoring his family, his friends, posing as someone he was not....I guess that gave him value.
SO...I'm here with him. In a way he is broken, and I feel sorry for him. It would be SO stupid of him to go back to that, I think I wouldn't even be mad, I'd be like.....this is so petty, so miserable, so stupid, I don't want to look back on my life 20 years from now and see that I stayed with someone that chose to hurt me more than any other human being ever will, the person I gave my heart, my children, left my family and my country for, yes HE chose to hurt me, dishonor me...so this is the one chance he gets. He forced me to live his lie, to be part of a web of deceit, and not be real. THAT is what hurts me the most, that this is something I didn't chose, nor deserve and yet, I'm in the middle of this. When I look back at pictures of those years, I see....lies, I can't see anything else.
But I'm here, and I promised him and myself one chance. After almost a year, some therapy for him and a lot for myself, I can say he has changed very, very much. And I have changed a lot too. I don't let things roll anymore, I stand up for myself, I don't let him bully me (he doesn't try really, but he tries to be right all the time), I won't accept nonsense explanations, or excuses, and I don't let him treat me as inferior. I don't need to learn anything from him, that he doesn't need to learn from me. Yes I changed, and I'm not going back. I also let him see that there are many, many men out there who would love to go out with me, that I have as many chances as he did if I ever wanted to. And wouldn't need to lie about anything. They would like me for myself, exactly as I am, and he knows that.
I never cheated nor thought about it until this happened. Sometimes I thing that going out on dates would be nice, would make me feel great, but then, those men are probably like him, with one thing on their minds, not honest, and I don't want to deal with that part.
So, if your husband is willing to get help, to open up, and to put his family first, then give him a chance, but just one chance and be very clear about this. This ultimatum is for you, not him. Yes, these men were emotionally or even sexually abused as children, but....the choices they make as adults are their responsibility. Between intentions and actions, there are choices, and those choices lead, ultimately to their REAL intentions...so no BS anymore. They know right from wrong that's why the hid it from us, from their friends, family, coworkers...they knew it was wrong and they still did it. So no more BS. If they are so sick then get in residential treatment, got to a psychiatrist, but don't keep blaming what happen to you as a child for the decisions you make as an adult, please!
I hope your kids don't know what he did, mine don't. Children NEED to believe their parents are -almost- perfect. In all, my husband has been a good provider, and even though he was emotionally unavailable, he was there most weekends, and at least a few nights a week, coached soccer, I know he loves them, so please if you fight with him, don't let the kids hear or know about it, please. This will be the cross you'll bear the rest of your life....because of HIS choices, nice right?
In the end, you are the better person, the better parent, friend, daughter, you are the one your kids go to when they NEED someone, the one they'll call, the one they'll want to help and protect. You are the one that has nothing to regret, who lived her life with all her heart, and with nothing to hide. You are the one that can go through any street, any place ever, and look people in the eye, and be happy to be who you are, always.
When you think of it, these men are so miserable, they had to lie about who they were, for people to like them? for them to feel valued? what?? SAD.

I wish you the best! Stay strong, focused on your kids, get a lot of help, go out more, confide in one friend, and if you need space, get it, please, give yourself time to heal, and if he is doing ALL he needs to do, give him a chance, if not, then get out because his problem will get worse, and you have children to protect, and they (NOT HIM) are your first, second and third priority, then you of course....

HUGS!!!
 

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Patty you are lucky that your kids are 7 or 8 years old. They are older, they will understand. Leave him.

He is not going to stop a 22+ year old habit. Ever. The sooner you figure out this brutal truth the better.
 

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Dear PattyK and Imstrong123

I feel so sad for both of you. Stay strong for your children. I'm in the same or at least a very similar boat...

Three weeks ago the bottom fell out of my world. My husband has been seeing prostitutes, hundreds of times, for decades. I would never, ever, ever have guessed him capable of doing something like this to me, our marriage, our children. He's a quiet, kind, shy guy and I had COMPLETE trust in him.

He admitted to a habit which started well before my time. Eventually, after really pushing and fighting through half truths and lots of "I can't remember" excuses, I think I have almost the whole of his pathetic story. He's not a sex addict or at least his addiction is not out of control. No, his "hobby" is very controlled. A couple of times a month, maybe more, maybe less. In broad daylight, and stone cold sober he quietly makes an arrangement and then leaves his office, walks 5-10 mins or catches a taxi to where the prostitute(s) are waiting to service him. Afterwards he showers, puts his clothes on, makes his way home and within an hour of being 'serviced' he's at home helping to put the kids to bed.
He claims that during our early relationship he only once succumbed to temptation and visited a *****, while I was out of the country, away for 6 months. He regretted it instantly and resolved not to do it again. Yet, 4-5 years later, within a year or two of our getting married (when I made my life long commitment to him, vows and all), the full blown habit started again (prior to our relationship he used to visit massage parlours, cheating on his previous wife and subsequent girlfriends). He has some weak excuses for what restarted the habit during our relationship. But I cannot comprehend why he thought so little of me and of our marriage that this was so important, so easy for him to do. We were trying to start a family when he restarted his hobby.

To begin with I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, couldn't behave normally in front of other people. I have told a very few close friends that he has been unfaithful, but only 2 very old trusted friends that it is with prostitutes. The shame of it keeps my mouth firmly shut. I have been seeing a counsellor and she knows everything. She keeps telling me it is not my fault, this was his decision. But I blame myself for taking him for granted, for not offering him more sex (he is generally too shy to ask), for not somehow seeing the signs earlier. I blame myself for choosing him in the first place, to be my soul mate, my lover, my best friend and the father of my children.

I never used to be a suspicious person, I now find my waking moments dominated by thoughts of how I can spy on him, track him, catch him out doing this again. I obsess about how to get into his phone and bank records to find out exactly when this happened, how often, who with, where.... If I'm not obsessing or feeling paranoid I mainly feel numb or kind of dead inside.

Most of all I wonder to myself: Can I spend the rest of my life with a man capable of behaving like this? Can I ever properly love him again? Can I ever trust him again? Can any man be trusted if one who appeared so good turns out to be so rotten inside? I feel like my happy, carefree life, dedicated to looking after our family IS OVER. I cannot interact with friends, neighbours, acquaintances in a normal way anymore. This secret burns inside. It is isolating me from my support network of women friends. I MUST NOT share this secret as it will taint the whole family and our children do not deserve this, I do not deserve it.

In the meantime, he is desperate to keep me and the kids. He promises the earth. Especially he promises this will never happen again. I don't believe him. Life stretches ahead... him the perfect husband, me an empty shell. And I feel so sad, so desperately sad for our kids.

PS He has visited this site as we are both looking for similar stories and advice. I'm not sure how I feel about him reading this, it's another violation, but I think people need to know they are not alone.
 

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ShareandLearn, I have several questions for you if you don't mind answering.

Did you ever figure out WHY you have been visiting prostitutes for so many years?

Have you stopped this behavior?

Has your problem leaked into other forms, such as pornography, sexting, online sex through video, etc?

What is it, psychologically, that strangers give you that a long term partner doesn't?

When do you normally visit one? I mean, is there something going on that stresses you, are you looking to punish, do you consider it a deserved reward??????

When you have finished the transaction, what goes through your head?

What is your attitude toward your wife? Have you tried justifying your behavior by blaming her behavior during the marriage? Have you purposely tormented her.....verbal/emotional abuse?

Have you ever had financial problems and blamed your wife, knowing your habit was taking away from the family income?

When your daughter is older, and becomes involved with a man, how would you view this man if he turned out to be exactly like you?

Do you have any other addictions? Alcohol, drugs, gambling, video games?

Do you hide money? Secret bank accounts, secret loans, filtering part of you paycheck?
 

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I truly don't understand this mentality that if you leave a marriage involving adultery/abuse/ etc you're somehow a poor role model. Do we really want to teach our kids that you must remain married at all costs, no matter how your spouse behaves? Besides, when you take divorce off the table you've essentially given your spouse a green light to do whatever they want, since all they have to do is cry, claim addiction, etc and you will stay married to them. Whatever decision you make here is yours to make, and you do need professional help to sort your thoughts out, but think hard about what you're teaching your kids and how you would feel if they end up making the same decisions your did.
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I am probably not the person you would like to hear from but I am writing to learn something from this discussion and try to be a better person. I am exactly the sort of person who is being criticized in this discussion thread.

I am a cheating husband who has been married for 15+ years and have been to massage parlors and escorts at various times in my life. Does my wife know about it? - YES, she knows for close to an year now. Do I think what I have done is right? - NO. Do I want to do the right thing? - YES, but I haven't worked out what that is yet. Have we worked things out? - NO. Do we have kids? - yes one daughter entering middle school. Does my daughter know - YES, my wife makes it a point to tell her once in few days. Am I seeing a therapist? - I did for some time, and it helped me see things better. Does my wife want to see a therapist - NO, she doesn't believe in them.

Why am I posting here? As I said, I am not sure what the right thing to do is. It is easier for me to divorce my wife and leave but I am not sure if it would be good for our daughter. My wife does not want a divorce. When I was seeing a therapist I reached a conclusion that I should separate from my wife. There is a lot of detail I am skipping here.

I am not even sure if everyone on this thread, especially PattyK and Imstrong123, are receptive to my comments. So, I will see if anyone has anything to say before I go any further.
Why when you know it hurts your family do you choose to continue using escorts....oh excuse me, wh0res? Shelfish and self centered would b my guess. If you cared for anyone BUTyourself this behavior would not continue. If you want to f***** like that then man up and divorce your wife whether she wants it or not.

I have been through the same thing as PattyK. In the end I could not stay with someone that was so evil. Patty K please get checked for STD's.


Sorry, this particular thread hit a spot that after 13 years still has not healed enough that I don't see RED
 

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Why when you know it hurts your family do you choose to continue using escorts....oh excuse me, wh0res? Shelfish and self centered would b my guess. If you cared for anyone BUTyourself this behavior would not continue. If you want to f***** like that then man up and divorce your wife whether she wants it or not.

I have been through the same thing as PattyK. In the end I could not stay with someone that was so evil. Patty K please get checked for STD's.


Sorry, this particular thread hit a spot that after 13 years still has not healed enough that I don't see RED
Stop using your daughter as an excuse! I had 12 and a 14 year old kids. Yeah I ended up raising them 24/7 but they were much better off out of the toxic relationship their father. They choose to limit their contact with their father because they realized how ill the man was/it/ and will always be.
 

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Tam,

Yes, it is a selfish need that drives me to *****s. No, I do not want to f**** like that .. at least not anymore. You are right about divorce, but my situation seems to be somewhat unique. Despite the situation, it is me wanting a divorce.

I apologize for aggravating old wounds. I wish I could change my past, but I can't.

I am sorry for coming off rudely. That type of behavior is so devistating to the other person on the other end. I will speak no more in the public place but if you want to PM me I can talk to you there.
 

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ShareAndLearnGuy, the OP just came here and has been traumatized from what she has learned. She's most likely suffering some symptoms of ptsd. Have you considered the possibility that having you post your story in her thread is triggering her? :mad:

Maybe you should get yourself in sexaholics anonymous and learn something about the damage you've done to your family, even if you do divorce. The problem is most likely your intimacy disorder. All that's "wrong" with your wife is that she is perhaps too codependent and puts up with way too much. If you leave her now, your problems will follow you.

pattyk, please conider going to a s-anon meeting and definitely try to find a good therapist for yourself and a certified sex therapist to diagnose your husband.
 

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ShareAndLearnGuy, the OP just came here and has been traumatized from what she has learned. She's most likely suffering some symptoms of ptsd. Have you considered the possibility that having you post your story in her thread is triggering her? :mad:

Maybe you should get yourself in sexaholics anonymous and learn something about the damage you've done to your family, even if you do divorce. The problem is most likely your intimacy disorder. All that's "wrong" with your wife is that she is perhaps too codependent and puts up with way too much. If you leave her now, your problems will follow you.

pattyk, please conider going to a s-anon meeting and definitely try to find a good therapist for yourself and a certified sex therapist to diagnose your husband.

:iagree::iagree::iagree:
Please get into IC because you are going to need someone to talk to. Don't deny your feelings because you have every right to be devistated by this. You have been in my thoughts since you posted this lovely information. I so know where you are at and what you are feeling. Keep your chin up!
 
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