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I think you did the right thing here and as always, doing the right thing has a price. Your future sister in law was behaving like a pig (sorry, but that's how I feel) and she is a home wrecker. The wife has the right to know. Unfortunately, I think this is ultimately going to cost you your relationship. I think your fiancé is going to call off the wedding and dump you. His family's acceptance of his sister sleeping with a married man says a lot about them and they aren't going to tolerate someone like you. Now I hope I'm wrong .... but I don't think so. Don't expect that it will dawn on them all of a sudden that you are right and she is wrong. Be prepared, the fall out is going to get worse.
 
he has just told me my actions have significantly betrayed him. I told him to put all the blame on me tell his sister it was my decision against his better judgement. He still mad and says that's not the point. you said she will never want to come visit us again and it's going to put a huge wall between him and his family. Again I told him put all the blame on me... say he was against it .I understand I should not have meddled. My feelings for this woman and her small children mattered to me I told him. He says I don't understand how I ruined his family.
One of the major problems I see here is that he and his sister tried to make you an accomplice to her affair by telling you about it. As you said, she even left things from her affair in full view for the entire family to view, thus dragging her entire family into her wrong doing.

And then this dysfunctional family expects you to keep quiet about it and play along no matter what your personal beliefs/feelings are.

They are wrong. This is not what you do to someone you care about. Some families have a rule about looking the other way and protecting each other no matter what. IT's a dangerous precedence to set in a family.
 
One of the major problems I see here is that he and his sister tried to make you an accomplice to her affair by telling you about it. As you said, she even left things from her affair in full view for the entire family to view, thus dragging her entire family into her wrong doing.

And then this dysfunctional family expects you to keep quiet about it and play along no matter what your personal beliefs/feelings are.

They are wrong. This is not what you do to someone you care about. Some families have a rule about looking the other way and protecting each other no matter what. IT's a dangerous precedence to set in a family.
:iagree::iagree::iagree:
 
Discussion starter · #64 ·
I am going to be the lone voice of dissent here.

I think you were wrong to tell. I think it was irrational. You put some strangers' well being over his relationship with his sister. If I told my brother something because I know he loves me and will love me regardless of how many bad choices I make, and he betrays me by telling someone who wouldn't give a thought to my well being but care about strangers and their problems, then I would be livid with my brother and might not wan to be around him. He is obviously not trust worthy, he is so enchanted by his wife that he'd let her screw me over because she feels like it. He is choosing to share my life with someone who doesn't give a damn about me.

Do not get me wrong, my brother would still think I was wrong. He would think I was doing something bad, but he would stand with me because he loves me, especially against a stranger. If I treated his wife badly he would stand for her because he loves her. But he would never pick others over me. Just as he wouldn't pick others over his wife.

And before anyone says it, this dude is not picking his sister over his fiancé. His fiancé decided to screw his sister over to test him, for $hits and giggles. She betrayed him and did not act like family. She drew first blood here, by picking a stranger over him and his family.
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Sister -in-law likes to give out advice. I reciprocated.. I nicely reminded her how beautiful and intelligent she was. also has a great job another reason many single men would love to date her - It is true.

Her response, "life is short. I enjoy him and if I can give this man something he is missing I will. His wife does not understand how he needs weekends away from work and the kids ." Explained marriages have ups and downs and she should encourage him to work with his family. She didn't want to hear it.

Can't help how I feel but that response made me sick. I understood no regards marriage or the wife with three small children. How do you get through to someone like that? Next she leaves remnants of her affair weekend out at a common summer house for my kids to see. Kids even asked what went on.

So I did not do this for giggles. I've been betrayed before and its awful! Do you know how hard it is when your gut tells you there is something wrong in your relationship but you have no hard proof other than a few suggestive emails and your sig other says it is all in you head, you are crazy, we are just friends? I always wished anyone informed me.
That's why I would like to do the same for anyone else. I think many spouses know something is wrong but they have no proof and are called jealous, crazy etc. The WS denies and the affair flourishes.

I will think twice next time before telling though. I'd rather start out with a hint to gauge their reaction.
 
Sister -in-law likes to give out advice. I reciprocated.. I nicely reminded her how beautiful and intelligent she was. also has a great job another reason many single men would love to date her - It is true.

Her response, "life is short. I enjoy him and if I can give this man something he is missing I will. His wife does not understand how he needs weekends away from work and the kids ." Explained marriages have ups and downs and she should encourage him to work with his family. She didn't want to hear it.

Can't help how I feel but that response made me sick. I understood no regards marriage or the wife with three small children. How do you get through to someone like that? Next she leaves remnants of her affair weekend out at a common summer house for my kids to see. Kids even asked what went on.

So I did not do this for giggles. I've been betrayed before and its awful! Do you know how hard it is when your gut tells you there is something wrong in your relationship but you have no hard proof other than a few suggestive emails and your sig other says it is all in you head, you are crazy, we are just friends? I always wished anyone informed me.
That's why I would like to do the same for anyone else. I think many spouses know something is wrong but they have no proof and are called jealous, crazy etc. The WS denies and the affair flourishes.

I will think twice next time before telling though. I'd rather start out with a hint to gauge their reaction.
I think that in the long run the wife will understand that you did the right thing and she will appreciate it. by doing so you took the 'crazy' out of her life. Now she knows that she's not the crazy one.

I too wish that someone would have told me when my son's father cheated. It was not until after my divorce that people started talking to me about his infidelities. I was furious... furious at them for never telling me when it would have really helped me. It's been over 16 years and I still cannot associate with any of my old 'friends' who helped my ex hide his affairs. Why did they do it? Because they did not want to get involved.

I have no use for people who 'don't want to get involved'. What kind of spineless twits do that?
 
I think you did the right thing here and as always, doing the right thing has a price. Your future sister in law was behaving like a pig (sorry, but that's how I feel) and she is a home wrecker. The wife has the right to know. Unfortunately, I think this is ultimately going to cost you your relationship. I think your fiancé is going to call off the wedding and dump you. His family's acceptance of his sister sleeping with a married man says a lot about them and they aren't going to tolerate someone like you. Now I hope I'm wrong .... but I don't think so. Don't expect that it will dawn on them all of a sudden that you are right and she is wrong. Be prepared, the fall out is going to get worse.
The one thing I keep reading is that the family is accepting of her behavior. I don't necessarily see it this way. I'm sure they don't like it. I am also willing to bet that they have all told her it is wrong. Obviously she isn't listening.

If she continues to see him what are they supposed to do? Disown her? Not invite her to family gatherings? They know she is wrong but she's their daughter/sister. Its not an endorsement of infidelity. It just shows that they accept her even though she is seriously flawed. I've seen a lot of cheaters lose there spouse/kids. But for the most part their families of origin are still there for them, even when they don't endorse what they've done. Short of becoming a serial killer in all likelihood your mom and siblings will still love you.
 
I am going to be the lone voice of dissent here.

I think you were wrong to tell. I think it was irrational. You put some strangers' well being over his relationship with his sister. If I told my brother something because I know he loves me and will love me regardless of how many bad choices I make, and he betrays me by telling someone who wouldn't give a thought to my well being but care about strangers and their problems, then I would be livid with my brother and might not wan to be around him. He is obviously not trust worthy, he is so enchanted by his wife that he'd let her screw me over because she feels like it. He is choosing to share my life with someone who doesn't give a damn about me.

Do not get me wrong, my brother would still think I was wrong. He would think I was doing something bad, but he would stand with me because he loves me, especially against a stranger. If I treated his wife badly he would stand for her because he loves her. But he would never pick others over me. Just as he wouldn't pick others over his wife.

And before anyone says it, this dude is not picking his sister over his fiancé. His fiancé decided to screw his sister over to test him, for $hits and giggles. She betrayed him and did not act like family. She drew first blood here, by picking a stranger over him and his family.
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Your argument would hold more weight if she was like, "Wow this was so bad, I'm so sorry brother what do I do? How can I make this right?"

And he was like, "Sis, you know this is wrong. I will stand by you but this is not right and you should stop this bad behavior."

Instead it was more like, "Hey I'm screwing this married guy, it's so awesome. Don't tell anyone or I'll kill you."

And he was like, "Don't you dare go against my sister, it's none of your business. BTW I told people at work your secrets."


If he was really just an awesome brother who felt betrayed, he would have told her sister what she was doing was wrong. Instead, he just covered for her. Ethics...the family has none.
 
The one thing I keep reading is that the family is accepting of her behavior. I don't necessarily see it this way. I'm sure they don't like it. I am also willing to bet that they have all told her it is wrong. Obviously she isn't listening.

If she continues to see him what are they supposed to do? Disown her? Not invite her to family gatherings? They know she is wrong but she's their daughter/sister. Its not an endorsement of infidelity. It just shows that they accept her even though she is seriously flawed. I've seen a lot of cheaters lose there spouse/kids. But for the most part their families of origin are still there for them, even when they don't endorse what they've done. Short of becoming a serial killer in all likelihood your mom and siblings will still love you.
Actually, yes. If you are adamantly against cheating, then you would have no problem NOT inviting a relative to family functions, if they are cheating... no matter WHO they are. Would I disown a relative for cheating? No. Would I severely limit contact? You better believe it. And yes, no matter what anyone else may think, it really IS that simple. You either condone it or you don't. And, if you don't, then you give consequences... which very well may include disowning, or at least limiting contact. It doesn't mean you don't love your relative... but it DOES mean you stand firm in your resolve to NOT have that around you.
 
The one thing I keep reading is that the family is accepting of her behavior. I don't necessarily see it this way. I'm sure they don't like it. I am also willing to bet that they have all told her it is wrong. Obviously she isn't listening.

If she continues to see him what are they supposed to do? Disown her? Not invite her to family gatherings? They know she is wrong but she's their daughter/sister. Its not an endorsement of infidelity. It just shows that they accept her even though she is seriously flawed. I've seen a lot of cheaters lose there spouse/kids. But for the most part their families of origin are still there for them, even when they don't endorse what they've done. Short of becoming a serial killer in all likelihood your mom and siblings will still love you.
There is another, very loving way for a family to handle something like the sister’s infidelity. It’s to tell her that either she ends the affair or you will disclose it to the wife. This is how my family operates. If someone is doing something very wrong we don’t just cajole them and let them drag us into their drama. Instead we do whatever is necessary to encourage them to do the right thing.

“Still loving” a family member does not mean that you put up with their wrong doings.
 
I read the whole thread then thought about it for a bit.

You have to live with yourself. For me, if I had a family member or inlaw who was doing something like that, I could not let it go and be polite to them. Therefore I could not have done what your fiance seems to be requesting. By my values, you were being asked to be an accomplice in a serious deception. Sorry, no way.

I also believe that love is not enough for a marriage. If you and your fiance can get past this, then the relationship will get stronger. If you cannot....well better you find out now.

This is in addition to the questions the incident raises about your fiance's attitude to infidelity, which matters in a marriage.
 
I read the whole thread then thought about it for a bit.

You have to live with yourself. For me, if I had a family member or inlaw who was doing something like that, I could not let it go and be polite to them. Therefore I could not have done what your fiance seems to be requesting. By my values, you were being asked to be an accomplice in a serious deception. Sorry, no way.

I also believe that love is not enough for a marriage. If you and your fiance can get past this, then the relationship will get stronger. If you cannot....well better you find out now.

This is in addition to the questions the incident raises about your fiance's attitude to infidelity, which matters in a marriage.
Yes Wazza yes!
 
The one thing I keep reading is that the family is accepting of her behavior. I don't necessarily see it this way. I'm sure they don't like it. I am also willing to bet that they have all told her it is wrong. Obviously she isn't listening.

If she continues to see him what are they supposed to do? Disown her? Not invite her to family gatherings? They know she is wrong but she's their daughter/sister. Its not an endorsement of infidelity. It just shows that they accept her even though she is seriously flawed. I've seen a lot of cheaters lose there spouse/kids. But for the most part their families of origin are still there for them, even when they don't endorse what they've done. Short of becoming a serial killer in all likelihood your mom and siblings will still love you.
Well we don't know what kind of sh1t the family is giving the sister in law but I'm willing to bet, judging by the reaction of the fiance, that talk123 is going to be hated by his family for a long time to come (if not forever) for this interference. I agree with you that blood thicker than water (or future daughter in law blood) and in the end the fiance's family will side with their own daughters abhorrent behavior. It still doesn't make it right. Unfortunately, I saw this in my own family while growing up, I just wasn't quite aware of all the implications at the time.
 
I think you were wrong to tell. ... You put some strangers' well being over his relationship with his sister.

And before anyone says it, this dude is not picking his sister over his fiancé. His fiancé decided to screw his sister over to test him, for $hits and giggles. She betrayed him and did not act like family. She drew first blood here, by picking a stranger over him and his family.
No offense, but your position is morally reprehensible. We're not talking about two adults who can fend for themselves. If the sister was trying to steal another woman's boyfriend, then I agree that one should just let it go.

But the sister is trying to steal the father of three innocent children. If she succeeds, then three children will be more at risk for doing worse in school, dropping out, teenage pregnancy, joining a gang, being incarcerated, using drugs and alcohol early, and virtually every other imaginable metric for the well being of a child. In all likelihood, their lives will be forever worsened if their father abandons them for this floozy.

And you think she should have just sided with blood over children? Seriously? What if the sister was directly molesting children? Should she still keep her mouth shut? I mean, screw those kids, right?

It's posts like these that really sadden me. Morally, we're watching the fall of Rome here. "As long as something doesn't directly affect me, then I don't care. Are children being hurt? As long as they're not my kids, I don't care. And I will go so far as to chastise anyone who does actually care as being morally wrong."

Break out your fiddles, folks.
 
he has just told me my actions have significantly betrayed him. I told him to put all the blame on me tell his sister it was my decision against his better judgement. He still mad and says that's not the point. you said she will never want to come visit us again and it's going to put a huge wall between him and his family. Again I told him put all the blame on me... say he was against it .I understand I should not have meddled. My feelings for this woman and her small children mattered to me I told him. He says I don't understand how I ruined his family.
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You didn't ruin sh!t!!!!! His sister is the one running around sleeping with a married man!!!

I would seriously take a pause and think long and hard about marrying this guy. Some of how you have described him sound like my ex. Passive aggressive behavior (not speaking), conflict avoidance, the whole female co-worker and sharing intimate/embarrassing details. Just be careful.
 
It's controversial. I agree with posters of the both sides - just partially.
What the OP did was right, but not because she should have cared about the BW more than about her fiancee. Because she feels it was right, and it makes her feel good. Otherwise she would have felt horrible for going against her own principles.
The fiancee is understandably upset - as someone else said, it's his sister, and even if she is wrong, she's still his sister. And just like this person said as well, there are plenty of cheaters who booo-ed at others cheaters before, just to start their own affair later on. I wouldn't be surprised at all if some of the posters who advocate in loud voices how the fiancee has no morals, came back one day to post like a WS : "Oops, I had an affair, help !"

As a paranthese, I know of a couple I worked with. The guy was hitting on every female in his path behind his gf's back. Eventually, someone- a friend of the GF found the guts to do "the right thing" and inform her. The GF got mad at cut her friend out for being a "jealous liar". Convinced that her BF would not do such thing. The girl lost a friend, even if what she did was the right thing.
So...for the OP..if you feel that it was worth it to possibly have sacrificed this relationship for a principle, then definitely, you did the right thing. Otherwise, you may regret it.

I hope you and your BF can have a serious discussion about principles and can work this out.
 
So I did not do this for giggles. I've been betrayed before and its awful! Do you know how hard it is when your gut tells you there is something wrong in your relationship but you have no hard proof other than a few suggestive emails and your sig other says it is all in you head, you are crazy, we are just friends? I always wished anyone informed me.
That's why I would like to do the same for anyone else. I think many spouses know something is wrong but they have no proof and are called jealous, crazy etc. The WS denies and the affair flourishes.
Re-Read this. Remember what it was like for you.

Do you want to go down that road again possibly? B/c your fiance is already trying to paint you crazy and overreacting and shifting blame over to you for the little bit of exposure you did. That coupled with the fact he doesn't respect marriage, or even what you have went through being cheated on. I would think him knowing your history and how you feel about infidelity would be more than enough to completely understand where you are coming from.

- Does he normally have empathy towards you or others?
- Does he take you seriously when you tell him how hurt/disrespected you feel when he shares things with co workers? Or does he just kinda laugh, blow it off and then say you are silly, its no big deal?
- How often is he passive aggressive with you? Daily? Weekly? (Passive Aggressive Behavior: A Form of Domestic Abuse)
- What are his true feelings about cheating? Is it a one and done thing with him? Would he be willing to R?
- Does he have the "What they don't know won't hurt them" type attitude?
- Obviously blood is thicker than water with him...how will you two handle the onslaught of protecting your marriage from his families toxic blabber? Especially since they probably won't like you here on out..? Realize right now, his family will not be friends to your marriage
- Is he willing to go to marriage counseling prior to getting married to work on communication?

Just some questions for you to think about. This situation of exposure should be the least of your worries right now. If I was you, especially with the past history of infidelity, I would really try to figure out if this guy was worth saying "I DO" with. Look at his behavior - any red flags pop out that are similar to your ex that cheated?

Watch and observe. Forget what come out of his mouth for now - watch his actions.
 
It's controversial. I agree with posters of the both sides - just partially.
What the OP did was right, but not because she should have cared about the BW more than about her fiancee. Because she feels it was right, and it makes her feel good. Otherwise she would have felt horrible for going against her own principles.
The fiancee is understandably upset - as someone else said, it's his sister, and even if she is wrong, she's still his sister. And just like this person said as well, there are plenty of cheaters who booo-ed at others cheaters before, just to start their own affair later on.
Your post pretty much sums up my feelings. I understand and agree that the sister's behavior is awful. What I don't get is all the hostility towards the fiance. His sister cheats and it automatically makes him a poor choice for a future husband? Based on what? We don't know enough about their relationship to come to that conclusion.
 
I come from a huge family, and most of them are divorced, and many of them have strayed. My parents split because of my mom's infidelity. I kind of knew that it was happening, but I couldn't get anything substantial to bring to my dad. If I could have? I would have in a heartbeat. But my dad found out on his own, thankfully, when my mom left dirty letters in her backpack.

My dad was recently in a relationship with someone amazing and strong who truly loves him! But when things started to not go his way, he decided to cheat on her with another woman. This is my father cheating. So I outed him to his girlfriend. He's angry of course and probably feels betrayed though he won't admit to it. I don't regret it though, as he knows exactly what it feels like go be cheated on and has no business doing it.

I say you did the right thing. My dad's ex might have been in pain and a little angry with me at first, but in the end she told me she needed to know and is glad I told her. It is a hard thing to do, to tell the truth like that, but ask yourself if you would want to know?
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I come from a huge family, and most of them are divorced, and many of them have strayed. My parents split because of my mom's infidelity. I kind of knew that it was happening, but I couldn't get anything substantial to bring to my dad. If I could have? I would have in a heartbeat. But my dad found out on his own, thankfully, when my mom left dirty letters in her backpack.

My dad was recently in a relationship with someone amazing and strong who truly loves him! But when things started to not go his way, he decided to cheat on her with another woman. This is my father cheating. So I outed him to his girlfriend. He's angry of course and probably feels betrayed though he won't admit to it. I don't regret it though, as he knows exactly what it feels like go be cheated on and has no business doing it.

I say you did the right thing. My dad's ex might have been in pain and a little angry with me at first, but in the end she told me she needed to know and is glad I told her. It is a hard thing to do, to tell the truth like that, but ask yourself if you would want to know?
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Wow, I am starting to think that I have a huge moral blindspot. I thought I was getting better. I could never do what you did. My hats off to you and the other posters in this thread that would so the same. I would be too afraid of the blow back.
 
Your post pretty much sums up my feelings. I understand and agree that the sister's behavior is awful. What I don't get is all the hostility towards the fiance. His sister cheats and it automatically makes him a poor choice for a future husband? Based on what? We don't know enough about their relationship to come to that conclusion.
Based on his reaction to his sister cheating and his fiancée telling the omw. The theory is that anyone that supports a cheater in their cheating doesn't have enough of a problem with cheating to be trustworthy.
 
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