Just doesn't feel like I care anymore.....

Thanks for taking the time to respond Last Unicorn. I have read, and reread and thought about what you have said. The part that hit the hardest is that we don't really know each other. I think you might be right. We are not the same people we were 18 years ago.

Most of our marriage I have been focused on family and so of course my interest have changed. While I was thankful to be able to be a SAHM, I was also very insecure because I was not contributing financially. I came to a point that even though I had a good education, I thought I could not make it on my own, that I was totally dependent on him.....so I accepted a lot of things I shouldn't have. In this I became resentful and I think he did too. Since going back to work I have found out a lot about myself. I think my confidence of being able to be more than a mother, that I can be both now that my kids are older is one of the biggest. I have found respect from coworkers and new friends...I see that my interests have changed, and yet they have not really included him. That is separate from home, maybe that's why he said he doesn't care about my work.

I don't know, I just know that my family is the most important thing and that I feel like I HAVE to find my way back to him, I just don't know how. After a long talk about a month ago, he has tried really hard, I just don't know how to. A part of it died for me. When my kids came to me crying because of some of the things he said, I felt like I was done. I thought that if I told him that we could work through it but I think I don't know how. I've got to find the "want to" I guess, and forgive, and move forward.

Heavensangel: I think that is what is the hardest to get past, the involving my children. There is an obvious disrespect for me, but don't disrespect the kids by putting them in the middle. This is when I discussed a separation with him about a month ago when the kids were so upset because of the things he said. He was apologetic and has been trying, but it is just so hard. And if I am completely honest, I tried to take up for myself in the situation with the kids and further involved them....I am so upset with myself for doing that.

Unbelievable: He is probably not happy with the frequency of sex...but I think I am a pretty simple creature in regards to this also. I need to feel like he cares, I need to feel like he is interested, I need to feel like more than just a sex partner...I need to feel respected and cared for. All that takes for me is a hug when I get home, an "I love you" and an interest in me. I gave that to him for 12 years while I was at home with the kids, why do I have to jump in for sex because he wants it when he obviously has no further interest. The house is not spotless, well, I work a 8 to 10 hour day and shuttle kids around to activities that he "doesn't have time to do". So why does it all come down to sex...because he deserves it? I don't understand that. Where is the concern for me, don't I deserve that?

I am not trying to be hostile, I promise. I am truly scared because of my feelings...I don't like them. I am just asking for help to figure out how to get past these feelings.

Lucianne

I am sorry you are going through such a trying time but I think that, with lots of effort on both your side and his, you'll be able to work through this and have a good outcome. The fact that he's willing to try is a good sign.

When you say that your H has been trying since you spoke to him a month ago, what does his trying consist of. I ask this because sometimes people do what they think will help their partner when in fact it is not what their partner actually needs them to do.

Is he clear about what YOU want him to do as opposed to what he thinks you want him to do. I think you need to make sure he knows the difference. I am asuming you want him to help in the house more now that you are working long hours outside (as oppossed to just complaining) the home (as oppossed to just complaining) so I would get specific and write a list of jobs you do and a list of jobs he does. Present it to him in a non-threatening manner and fine tune it together, trial it for a week or two, revise it and try it again.

I really get what you say about not feeling like having sex with someone who shows little or no affection/interest towards you. It's like a vicious cycle for both parties no interest, no affection, no sex. Which came first the chicken or the egg? If the cycle carried on for too long, in the end no one can remember how the cycle started and no one feelsl it's their responsibility to break the cycle. I don't have the answer right now - just saying!

You say you don't know what to do to turn things around. Maybe start with spending some quality time togehter (in and out of the house) and put this in a schedule. Together with him helping out at home, this could be a start.

I need to add that I feel the reason you feel you cannot "care" anymore is likely emanating from all the silent treatment you have endured over the years. Feelings of isolation, confusion as to what you have done wrong, the torture of not knowing when he will speak to you, etc all take a HUGE toll on a person when silent treatment happens time and time again.

When I was given the silent treatment I would feel like the world had stopped - like everthing depended on my H speaking to me again and I would go through a range of feelings, including anxiety, depression, and anger at the injustice of it all but trying to appease him so that the not speaking would end.

Took me decades but finally I am no longer allowing myself to be a victim of silent treatment emotional abuse (that's what it is - emotional abuse) and I take responsibility for creating my own happiness rather than waiting on him to make me happy.

Positive thinking and taking responsilility for your own happiness might lead the way to you starting to "care". At times I wanted to just walk away so I think I know how you might be feeling.

Please have a look at the link below in my signature which gives practical advice about dealing with silent treatment and see if it could work for you.

Few things. First, read His Needs Her Needs. It will explain a LOT of what you're feeling.

Second, your kids must be at least 8 by now, right? Then it's your duty to start teaching them how to do chores (so they can take care of themselves - and be good partners for someone - when they grow up). Start handing out chore duties.

Third, sit him down and tell him you understand he's upset that you're no longer playing his mother, now that you're working, but that you weren't fulfilled just staying at home. So you WILL be working. That said, you now need to discuss how things are to get done. If he's unhappy with the level (and the kids WILL be helping hereonout), you expect him to chip in and bring it up to his level. Ask him which chore he wants to be responsible for, so that you can focus on other ones and do a better job with them. If he refuses, inform him that you will be stopping SOME chore, to make time for the others; if he steps in and chooses which one it is, you'll all be happy. If he doesn't, then it will be up to you to pick it. (and it will most likely be HIS LAUNDRY)

Women have a hard time standing up for themselves, but you need to start treating YOURSELF as an equal, instead of expecting him to.

You are right, I am pretty sure I know why I am losing those feelings. We went away for a few days, just the two of us, when I started back part-time. When we came back I actually ached for him because I missed him so much during the day, I couldn't wait to get home at night to see him. Things were really good for us. We had wrapped so much of our lives around each other for so many years that it was hard for us to adjust to me not being here all the time. He is self-employed so he works his own hours and we could plan things around us.

When I started back to work, I was pretty flexible in my hours in the beginning, but that quickly changed when I began working more hours. Last year I went back full time, and it has become harder. There are more demands put on me by my job and the kids, so I think maybe our relationship has suffered because of it. Our priorities have shifted and we left each other behind a bit. Resentment has risen in each of us and maybe we don't know how to communicate that.....

We have never had a perfect relationship, really never even came close, we are 2 very different people, but I always felt during our fights that we would find our way back to each other. We never involved the kids, they were not part of it. I think I am just tired now...I hear the same complaints over and over and I guess he sees what he considers a lack of results. After I stopped working to be home with the kids, I almost felt that I gave up my rights to to have equal say in matters. I have regained a lot of that confidence and express my opinions more than before, but I don't always get the respect and feeling from him that he sees me anywhere close to an equal in the marriage. That is really a problem, I think he gets angry at me for having an opinion that I think is just as important and valid as his. Hence the silent treatment begins......

I had talked to the kids about having to take on more responsibility in the house but tonight I sat them down and gave them specific chores to do. I think this will make a difference. I know they are not thrilled, but that's okay, we will all benefit in the end. My husband and I with a little bit less stress and the kids by having to take on more responsibility.

Thanks for listening and offering advice, I know we have a long way to go, but I can feel a weight slowly lifting off of me as I talk and think about the situation more. I think I am beginning to understand where some things went/are going wrong. I am going to talk to husband about finding 15~20 minutes a day to just sit and talk, not about our problems but about our day and the things going on with us. We have got to find a way to reconnect.....

He may feel that you have prioritized your job above him, which was not the case when you were at home. I can tell you from experience that it feels awful to know that your wife will bust her ass at work and has little energy and time when she gets home. In my case, I do equal chores at home. The kids have chores also. We both work.
But I often joke (not really a joke) that my wife uses up all of her passion and "niceness" at work and saves the pent up frustration for me when she gets home. That sucks. I understand that women need to vent, but I try and leave my work, at work. So it sucks that I have to listen to her complain about her terrible day, just so she can go back and do it all again the next day. In the process, all the things you really like about your marriage get prioritized at the bottom of the list, after her work, kids, chores, friends/family obligations, etc.
Men like to think that their wives will always prioritize them first or second, not fourteenth. I don't know if that applies to you. Just giving my perspective on my situation.

Jeapordy. Here's the way I've done a few things to help. Unfortunately, it wasn't all the time

When my wife would come home from work, and complain, sometimes I'd listen, sometimes I wouldn't, but I always tried to do something special for her. Take her out for Icecream and a park. Take the kid somewhere and go hang, or get her mind off things with a dinner and a movie. We're movie freaks and mostly watch things at home. Well did, we had a 10' screen I built (less than $100 bucks lol) and a nice projector I bought for the haunt.

I didn't do it enough? I guess. I don't know. I did have a lot of trouble listening to her from her day of work, BUT she had a very VERY easy job... not sure why she was stressed a lot.

I learned from all my sh.t going on, is that I SHOULD"VE LISTENED to my wife's day more. To women, it seems at least with my wife, even when they're just complaining to you about work, you being there means a lot to them. They may not always think of it that way, but you're doing your job, imo, by listening to them. You can limit it, there's things you can do to NOT HAVE to hear it so much, but I think we SHOULD take as much in as possible. Work for women isn't like work for men, typically speaking.