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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I am surprised at the number of people who seem willing to forgive and try again. Not sure I can stomach that. I am putting my ducks in a row in case I can't right the ship. Stay at home W is clinically depressed and on anti-anxiety meds. EA that led to PA has been going on for 3+ months, with extensive phone calls, skype, text, FB, em. No intimacy in months due to her stated lack of libido, but I guess that was just lack of libido for the husband. I suspect she has spent about 5x more time on the phone with the OM than with me. The profession of love to the OM and the comments to the OM that we are roommates is a little much to take under the circumstances (no sh*&, you have been glued to your phone/computer for hours a day and I can't get your attention). W should have been focusing on her health (which is now in question), our 3 girls, ages 5-9, and the home. Now it appears that the single OM, after tasting the forbidden fruit is pulling away. I work and travel a lot, but I am a great provider and good father. So the question, after this rambling is, "do I stay or do I go now." I am fearful our kids will see a very bad and sterile, unloving parental model, and that they may be better off with us divorced. I do fear that someone else could come in and "raise" these kids too (especially with the money she will have), or that she won't do a good job on her own. Interested in hearing from people who tried to move on and succeeded and those who tried and failed. My gut is that it is "Sofargone."
 

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You are ready to advance to the DadsDivorce website, and read "the List".
No one else is going to come in and "raise" those kids because YOU will be doing it. Got that?
This is utter b.s. and I am so sorry to hear ANOTHER person going through it. I am a little bit bitter right now though, perhaps someone else may have more calming advice.
My STBXW decided that despite her texting, emotional attachment, lying and sneaking around to meet the OM behind my and my childs back, that ultimately "we" werent happy for awhile, and "we" should divorce. Made the choice pretty easy for me.
 

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I don't know what it is with the "other", and the stuff they do with them.

My wife never said I love you, because she's "not that type of person". Well, apparently she was. BJs? She hated them. Going down. Hated that. Text flirting. Hated that too. All things she was very explicit in describing she wanted to do to the OM, or with the OM, during her EA.

I think this took the longest for me to get over. I mean! Wtf! I expressed desire for these things for ever. But apparently I wasn't good enough to receive them.

Lol! Sh$t! Just triggered myself! I haven't thought about my anger over this in months.
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yikes Alpha, My stbxw probably did the same things, knowing we havent been involved in forever intimately. She used to tell me that if I ever fell for anyone else just promise to end the relationship between "us" instead of cheating on her, how she would NEVER do that to me because she knows how bad it feels.

Then she waited for our daughter to turn ten and jumped at the first exboyfriend that expressed an interest over facebook towards her.
sometimes I wonder if the reason I didnt see a whole lot of interest in areas with me, was because she always held a candle for him.
but thats giving her too much credit.
 

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It's straight forward give her the ultimatum she is either your wife , fully, in love with you, actively working on your realrionship or she is out. Do not make excuse for her nor let her use any form of sickness against you, she had an affair , she did not stop he has by his actions told her she was there to be used for his pleasure, make sure she understands this.

She can spend the same amount of time and commitment on you as she did on the OM then you may have a chance.

If you do not want to be with her then divorce, your children will be affected but they will also be affected by what is happening in your house, unless she suddenly changes it will get worse.
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I expressed desire for these things for ever. But apparently I wasn't good enough to receive them.

Lol! Sh$t! Just triggered myself! I haven't thought about my anger over this in months.
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Argh I know what you mean - In my case we both had a lot of desire for all those sexy things, even for each other, but she wanted me to be the one initiating on a constant basis and I suppose I wasn't good at it (ie either just didn't do it, or else was doing it over and over in my head so much forgot to actually follow through with it). P!ssed her off that I was the one always in control of initiating things yet she wouldn't. I realize now she really did want to be submissive and I, for an entire 7 year relationship worth of reasons, couldn't be dominant. Anyways she got it in the end just not with me I guess :(

[email protected], will the triggers always be there?

Sofargone, the decision to stay or go really can be a hard one, but without question reconciliation will take both of you putting in every ounce of effort you can. If she expresses remorse and it is within you to forgive then that is fantastic, but realize the way you trusted her is gone forever - before you accept her back you need to know she can admit her mistake, take responsibility, apologize and understand how literally devastated you are, and that it will take time for you to heal. My W acknowledged her irresponsibility, she has no idea the pain she caused me (honestly believes that my grieving is the same as what she went through deciding to end marriage which is utter BS) but has no remorse over having the A or not giving me the time I needed to heal before continuing on with her A's. No doubt the fog of the affair, the rush of adrenaline, dopamine, endorphines etc. She cant' think straight until that is out of her system, so depending how long it will take for her to decide to end the affairs and how long it will take me to heal, forgiveness isn't even an option for saving the marriage, it is something you have to do for yourself to move on in the right direction in life.
 

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Everyone has there reasons to stay or bail. Some guys want to work it out but the WW is gone,moved on, and just not into it any more. Some guys its just a deal breaker..period, no matter how remorseful the WW is. There really are alot of variables that determine whether one wants to work it out.

In my case our marriage was so unhealthy for years we just didn't care anymore, but one day I wanted a change and we both decided to walk down the path of working on a new marriage but with the same spouses. See I clearly understood why I had a cheating wife, and we both understood the problem in the marriage even before her affairs.

The point is we both were on the same page and we both made the effort to change our behaviors and we both made the commitment for a new marriage.

So I think the main thing is understanding what caused the problematic marraige..... for us,her affairs were just a by product.

IDK if this helps you but its just another perspective from some one who choose to stay around.

I'll probably get some sh*t for making it sound like I'm justifing her affair, but back in the day I really diidn't give a damb what she did.

One more thing that helped me was a list of "pros" and "cons" in sticking around, well the list was longer in the pros column so I stayed..I'm glad I did.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
More details: The genesis of the dis-satisfaction at home is that I travel 2 or three nights a week because my job re-located. I had hoped to get back to the area sooner, but then the economy collapsed, so I have stayed with the bird in the hand (which happens to pay quite well). In order to weigh all the options, I have floated to her the idea of my simply taking a lower paying job so I don't have to travel--but this will require her to work too. Surprise, surprise, she was not keen on option 1. I also floated just moving closer to the higher paying job (with the risk that something goes wrong there, and we are stuck with a big mortgage). She likes that more because she won't have to work (which give her time to pursue her non-income producing hobbies). . .you can see where this is going. . . .I would try either option with a commitment and confirmation that the OM is out of the picture. If I don't get the commitment to our family exclusively (i.e, the elimination of the skype, texting, and all future contact with the OM), then I may just give up the high paying job, stay close to home, fight and win custody, and let her go to work (in which case, she also can forget her hobbies, which she will neither have the time or money for). I am kicking myself for ever getting her a smartphone, which seemed to make sense to coordinate the kids school, etc. Same thing with Skype (which I introduced her to so she and the kids could communicate with me when I was away). I will keep the texts to myself in the hope that this nightmare goes away, but I will say that they reveal that the OM has completely played her: offering empathy when I was not around, saying he is damaged from his prior marriage and could not be with anyone, pretending he has a busy international job when he is a struggling musician. Let me add one thing, the W's hobby essentially involves her being overnight one night a weekend about 3 or even 4 nights a month, so at the same time she complains about my two nights out to produce income, instead of focusing on family on the weekends, when I stay at home and have given up all hobbies to be around the full weekend, she runs away (in part because she claims to need a break from the kids). I know she is ill, but when I think about the 10+ hours every week she devoted to chatting, etc., and then hear about how everything else on the home front stresses her out, I ask myself, did she get tired, or did she just get lazy, and I know it is the latter. If I were reading this cold, I would tell me to go straight to the divorced dad's website, but though I have a low threshold for forgiveness, if I think she can pull out of this nose dive, I would swallow my pride for the sake of our three angels. Thanks for reading, and although this is not well organized, it helps me work though my thoughts and decision making process.
 

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I would suggest you firm up the boundaries and decide what do you want, your wife is in no position to negotiate. Plan for the worst outcome and focus on you and your children. Be hardball as far as contact with the OM is concerned, expose her affair to her family and yours , typically a wayward will try to blame you and rewrite the marriage history.

If you can find out who his parents and siblings are, expose him to them as well, add his ex wife to the list it may help her case when it comes to any children they may have.

Ultimately lay your plans such that she leaves the home and children if she continues the affair. If she stops send her out to work she has had far to much time on her hand. You are waging a war with a smile.
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