[ItllNeverHappentoMe]

Long story short, I discovered inadvertently yesterday that my husband of 15 years has been having an EA with his high school sweetheart. I confronted him with the evidence, and he admitted everything. He even told me that he had a previous EA with her two years ago and broke it off because he felt guilty when it got too "hot and heavy". I am devastated. He cried and begged and apologized profusely. He blocked her on facebook and said that he sent her a text telling her I knew everything and that it was over and there had to be NC. He claims that he doesn't love her and that the affair never got physical, but that they just confided in each other about their marriages. He said she gave him attention and they reminisced about old times that were exciting.

I am so sad, so mad, and feel like I'm going to hurl. I also feel very alone. I'm afraid to talk to any of my friends or family, because I want to work things out with him and I know that they will hate his guts and things will never be the same if they know. Although, I don't think things will ever be the same again anyway. I feel so naive. He was married before and his ex-wife cheated on him and crushed his spirit. He swore it was something that he could never to do me, and I believed him. He has called me at work a dozen times today crying and apologizing, saying how stupid he is, and that he'll do anything to make it work with me.

I am numb. And I can't even look at him. I'm so hurt. I have no idea what to do, or what to say. I just want to curl up and make it go away.

 

[SadandAngry]

Call her husband and let him in on the secret, you need as many eyes on them as possible, so they can't start again. Take as much time as you need to decide what you want, where you want your future to go. That said, if he wants to give r a chance he needs to be utterly transparent to you. All accounts, social network and email, and passwords, as well as computer and phone passwords. That includes work accounts too.

If he

How did you catch it? If you want the ability to verify nc, you should keylog the computer and put spyware on his phone. A voice activated recorder for his car would not be a bad idea either. Don't tell him about informing the other husband, don't give him a chance to warn her. She might bank on you being too embarrassed to spill the beans. You have nothing to be embarrassed about, you've done nothing wrong. This is not your fault in any way. Sorry you are here, but you'll get pretty good advice that might help you keep your sanity.

 

[Silverlining]

I am so sorry you are here...

Please do not wish this away (rugsweep). He chose to be deceptive to the marriage. Instead of turning to you, to discuss your marital issues, he instead confided in her.

He did not confess. You caught him and confronted him with the facts. If you did not catch him, this would have turned into a full blown affair.

I know you're hurting. Reach out to friends, family or IC for support. What they think of him is no reflection on you. Ultimately, you need a support system to help you through this difficult time. He needs IC to find out why he is seeking affection outside of the marriage. If he doesn't fix his issues, he will surely do this to you again. IMO

 

[ItllNeverHappentoMe]

I had been looking at our cell phone account online, because I needed to replace one of our phones, and I noticed a bunch of texts from his phone to an unknown number. I thought it was odd, so I checked his fb account. I initially set up his fb, so I still had the password. Sure enough, I found some really flirtatious private messages between them, and eventually they exchanged phone numbers and that was her number from the phone bill.

I had been feeling very distant from him for the past few months, and was really noticing the lack of intimacy. My gut was right.

 

[ItllNeverHappentoMe]

I'm not going to rugsweep this, I just wish it was a bad nightmare. I know that there needs to be some serious work done to fix this. I told him that I insist that we do couples counseling to get to the bottom of this, and he agrees.

As far as the his high school sweetie is concerned, I've considered contacting her husband, but I don't know if I want to. Part of me wants her to feel the pain of this deception as well. I also struggle with whether or not her husband has a right to know, or if telling him would be for my own revenge.

I really don't know what to think. It just hurts. I feel like I can trust no one in this world.

 

[Silverlining]

I agree 100% to confront. Her husband has a right to know what she is doing.

Here's a scenario...
What if her husband knew of the EA 2 years ago and chose not to inform you? Maybe he felt the same way you do now. Would you have wanted him to share that info? If so, you need to call him, or better yet, have your husband call him.

 

[SadandAngry]

Don't have your husband call, he might get the sweetie instead. Other than that I agree with silverlining. Don't be a part of her deception. Expose to as many people as you need to, to get the support you need. Don't ever keep the secret to protect a cheater at your expense, it'll eat away at you.

 

[SadandAngry]

It isn't about revenge. that'd just a bonus side effect. He deserves to know what his wife is doing with his trust. He has a right to make his own informed decisions about his life.

 

[ItllNeverHappentoMe]

All very good points for me to consider. I'm still in so much shock and disbelief that I can't function right now.

 

[SadandAngry]

Yes, when I caught my wife's activity with a keylogger I was stunned for a few hours. I got angry, but not for long, I realized it was useless to be angry just then, so I repressed it. It didn't come back for months, but I was able to think very clearly and deal with the crisis to give my marriage a chance to survive. Not saying that's the way to deal, just what worked for me. And when the anger surfaced, it really came back, it was not pleasant.

 

[moxy]

If you want to have a chance at saving your marriage, you have to expose. Give yourself time to figure out whether you wanna give him a second chance or not. That will impact how you tell your friends and family and help you get the support you need. If you don't expose, he can just brush this away in his mind as no consequences and he will likely do it again.

You've also gotta get into some kind of counseling and start talking about why this has happened.

Do not trust him yet. Get a key logger on his computer and a var in his car. Verify that he hasn't just gone underground. Make sure you expose and let him know that if he cheats again you'll divorce him. If you don't hold him accountable now, you're just giving him permission to do it the next time...

 

[Goldmember357]

id leave if i where you he showed he is incapable of truly loving someone

however

it was short lived
it was never physical
it seemed to be really random how they came to talk again

^^ if the above are true perhaps you can work it out. Seeing how it was short lived and never physical you could work it out. He was hurt before it seems so he may be more inclined to never act up again in fear he may cause the pain that was caused to him before. However again he caused you massive pain by doing what he did.

this case of cheating is not as bad as others so that is why i say it seems that there is a chance you could still work it out.

 

[Shaggy]

You need to contact the OW husband. Both to let him know what's been going on - because he has a right to know,

but also...

1. He can be a second set of eyes to prevent her from contacting your husband in the future.
2. He can bring the curtain down on her so that she suffers consequences and will have motivation not to return for more.
3. So your husband has a serious consequence of his actions. Cheating spouses fear, big time, any blow back to the AP. They fear this because they fear if there is blow back to the AP, the AP will reject them and dump them. Which is exactly what you need to happen.

So you need to contact the OWH and blow the affair up. OR it will resume down the road when the dust settles.

 

[Jellybeans]

Yes, tell her husband. He has a right to know.
Not only that, but that will definitely bring the afair to light and possibly keep it from picking up again.

You need to contact her husband w/o any warning of doing this to your husband or the OW. Why? Because they will plot to downplay the affair and get their stories straight.

You are in a position of power right now. Your husband seems remorseful, unlike a lot of cheaters.

Click on my links below to see what to say to the OW's husband.

Oh and right now you need to let your husband you are not messing around--that it is either completely over w/ her or you are done. No negotiating that. You deserve better, after all.

He needs to call up his phone carrier & have her # blocked from being able to contact him, block her email, her FB, everything.

You MUST MUST MUST tell her husband.



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[Jellybeans]

Here it is... just switch the genders

Neal, this is copy/pasted from another thread that I wrote in, but here's how it goes down when you expose:

Here's the thing about exposure: NEVER GIVE YOUR SPOUSE OR THE OTHER WOMAN/MAN WARNING THAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO EXPOSE. JUST DO IT!!!

Why?

Because that will give her and the OM time to get their stories straight/corroborate timelines and make YOU out to be the crazy/psycho husband who has trust issues and is going through a hard time in his marriage, therefore he suspects his wife is cheating on him and wants to lash out at everyone. They WILL do this if you keep giving them warnings. Oh and you bet she's told him already "My husband knows...if someone asks we can just say we're friends" and have already started planning and concocting their stupid excuses and lame cover up stories.

Find out who his wife is and exposes immediately:

"OM's Wife,

Your husband, Name, has been having an affair with my Wife's Name since on or about Month/Year. I discovered the affair by way of (fill in the blank). (Copy/paste or verbalize any proof you have). Their affair has been detrimental to my marriage. My wife told me the affair ended however I have proof contradicts that--they are still having an affair and in contact. I am telling you this because you deserve to know the truth. If you were already aware of the affair, then I am sure that this comes as no surprise to you, but if not, I am sorry to have to be the one to inform you. If you want to talk further or need further proof, you may contact me (at....fill in the blank).

Your Name"

THIS IS HOW YOU DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

F them! And no, your wife doesn't sound like he wants to work it out with you if she's still lying to you. So expose her for the liar she is without telling her or OM. And in the interim, tell her "I am aware you are lying to me and still in contact with the OM. You need to leave today because I refuse to live in an open marriage. I refuse to be treated so callously and be lied to and I will not tolerate this nonsense and your betrayals anymore. Get the f*ck out, homes!"

Remove yourself as an option for her. She will not feel any consequences as long as you're covering up the affair and allowing him to stay in the house/carry on as a married man with all the benefits of a committed relationship. She is not committed to your marriage, therefore you do not need to reward her with the same generosity and pat her on the back and feel fearful when she is the one making these d!ck moves. Tell her where to go.

Oh and a word of advice: NO marriage counselling as long as she's having an affair. MC does nothing as long as one partner is still lying/having an affair.

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[Jellybeans]

Essentially, by not telling her husband about the affair, you are helping it's secrecy. You enable/help it by not exposing.



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[Sara8]

You need to contact the OW husband. Both to let him know what's been going on - because he has a right to know,

but also...

1. He can be a second set of eyes to prevent her from contacting your husband in the future.
2. He can bring the curtain down on her so that she suffers consequences and will have motivation not to return for more.
3. So your husband has a serious consequence of his actions. Cheating spouses fear, big time, any blow back to the AP. They fear this because they fear if there is blow back to the AP, the AP will reject them and dump them. Which is exactly what you need to happen.

So you need to contact the OWH and blow the affair up. OR it will resume down the road when the dust settles.

Good points.

I did not initially out the OW to her spouse and this low life women continued to try to rekindle with my STBEH.

 

[ItllNeverHappentoMe]

Thank you for the advice. I really appreciate the input.

 

[Hope1964]

I am so sorry you're here It really sucks to be cheated on.

 

[SadandAngry]

Getting Past the Affair: A Program to Help You Cope, Heal, and Move On -- Together or Apart:Amazon:Books

here's a link to a great book to start with.