Did u confront her yet ?
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I am so sorry hawx. Please don't do anything drastic yet. Does she know you know? It has been very recent for me and the pain is still overwhelming. Just know there are people here for you.

 

Go dark on her and take this time to think about what you want. Talk to a lawyer to see what your rights are.

 

So sorry you are here. What do you want to do? Do you want to stay married? Have you gathered all the evidence? Have you contacted a lawyer?

Start IC soon.

1. Cheaters stay in a relationship/marriage only if there are not enough suitable outside options.

2. To be honest in a relationship you need empathy. Cheaters don't have it. Empathy is not something that suddenly grows inside of you when a divine light shines upon you.

3. Happiness is a cheating spouse on the rearview mirror. A cheater is not a decent person's time and effort. Why do you want to stay with the WS? Why is the WS such a catch? Why is your worth so low?

4. File for divorce. Start IC ASAP with a therapist experienced in infidelity related matters.

5. Protect yourself financially.

6. You have enough self-esteem not to tolerate cheating. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.

7. You deserve better and you can get better. You deserve to live free, free from the fear of being cheated on and free from a life of constant fear.

8. Your children need a role model, someone who will teach them acceptable behavior and boundaries. If you forgive and accept your WS's behavior, you will set up very bad examples for your children, and this will lead to further heartaches.

9. You are responsible for your happiness. Never in future tie your own happiness with someone or something. It will lead to pain and sufferings. Happiness has to come from within.

10. Embrace the light, knowledge, and freedom. It will get better if you want to get it better.

 

Whave you done so far? Do you have undeniable proof? You don't need to make any decisions just yet.

Most importantly, do not cry or beg in front of her. If she doesn't know you know check out your options here before you accuse her.

 

Please breathe first
When you can give us details so we can better help you.

You may have PTSD.
If you think you are out of control from the shock leave the house.

 

I had suspicions for a while and found a text on her phone tonight. She had no choice to come clean. It was with the deadbeat sperm donor of my stepson. Sure does answer a ton of questions. She's been crying for the past 3 hours and I'm devastated because my little 5 year old angel has no idea life as she knows it is about to end. That's what is tearing me up inside. I am so numb I can't even think....

 

I'm sorry

Stay somewhere else for a few days if you can.

Or better yet tel her to stay at his place and move on.

But whatever you decide think first

 

Take as much time as you can with this. Not engaging with her at all may be best for a while. Talk and listen to your friends. I screwed up my own situation with my eagerness for immediate resolution. Hindsight.

 

Harken hope you are doing well

End threadjack.

 

Going thru your other posts, this explains everything about your WW not wanting sex with you:

Because she has been banging another man. She was never really LD, she is just being faithful to her OM and wanting sex with him, not you.

As you said in another thread:

I just couldnt live with a woman who is lusting over another man whether it be physical or emotional. That violates the whole foundation of marriage to me.

I dont know how people stay with cheating spouses. Thats about the only thing I would break up my family over.

You have to ask yourself if you can live with it. Its always going to be nagging you in the back of your mind. I'd hate to be in a marriage where your spouse has betrayed your trust like that.

Its time to file. You say she's been cheating with your stepson's father (her ex) for the past year. I would say its probably been longer. She wants him for the hot sex. You said you don't care about being alpha/beta, just providing for your family.

The problem is, that is the only thing she sees you as: A provider. The guy who pays the bills and takes care of the family. She's not sexually interested in you anymore. Her OM, her ex is the one who turns her on. She gives you duty sex, if you get any at all.

You need to get rid of her.

 

I need to let the shock wear off...I'm still thinking I am imagining this and it's not real.....I'm hurt, angry, and scared and just typing this is difficult....I feel like I'm watching myself from the outside...

 

I need to let the shock wear off...I'm still thinking I am imagining this and it's not real.....I'm hurt, angry, and scared and just typing this is difficult....I feel like I'm watching myself from the outside...

I remember that same feeling like being out of body. I remember waking up from sleep and for a split second thinking it was a dream. I did not eat for 4 days. Your body is being abused by your mind.

"Let the shock wear off"... It took about 2 weeks before I could start to think without having difficulty breathing. It took a full year before making a decision on D or R.

It a rough road, but it get better.

 

I don't want to thread jack but I've noticed a few threads just lately where sex has been lacking and an affair has been discovered.

I wonder how many of the sex is lacking threads are indicative of an affair?

 

I don't want to thread jack but I've noticed a few threads just lately where sex has been lacking and an affair has been discovered.

I wonder how many of the sex is lacking threads are indicative of an affair?

Very high %

 

Tell her to let her no-good, baby's daddy support her since she wants him so bad. She only gave you sh!tty, boring, duty sex, while she was giving her OM pornstar sex. You had to beg and plead for it, but she spread her legs for her OM willingly and eagerly. This is one of the things that hurts so much about an affair, that a BS's wayward spouse gave everything to their affair partner, while their BS was starved for affection/sex.

You're not alone. Many here have felt the pain of being betrayed like that. Tell her to leave the house for a while. Don't medicate yourself with alcohol.

 

Sorry you are here. You are in shock, it will last a bit, maybe a few day's. Then the anger will hit. Hard. At that time your wife needs to be out of the house. You will not stand the sight of her, and even if your a very calm and relatively decent guy you might say and/or do something to her that could hurt you in divorce and recovery.

She needs to leave. There really is no other choice. She leaves. You stay with the house and kids. She needs to face consequences.

And divorce her.

Stay on TAM. Unfortunately many of us have been in your shoes. There is some solace in that I guess. Not much, but there it is.

Good luck.

 

Well, she loves those jokes. In fact, she uses the jokes to back up her claim that married people dont have much sex. I dont recall there being a sex problem before our child was born 6 years ago. All she wants to do is sleep she tells me. She does require a ton of sleep and she leads a very active lifestyle while awake. While I can understand her being tired, sex is what gets put on hold, not so much the things that make her tired.

Oddly enough, she did finally acknowledge the other day that there may be a medical issue with her LD. I was shocked to hear that. Only problem is, she wont do anything to fix it.

This woman!!!

 

Well, she loves those jokes. In fact, she uses the jokes to back up her claim that married people dont have much sex. I dont recall there being a sex problem before our child was born 6 years ago. All she wants to do is sleep she tells me. She does require a ton of sleep and she leads a very active lifestyle while awake. While I can understand her being tired, sex is what gets put on hold, not so much the things that make her tired.

Oddly enough, she did finally acknowledge the other day that there may be a medical issue with her LD. I was shocked to hear that. Only problem is, she wont do anything to fix it.

After telling her all the things I do for her, and telling her I was almost done with this marriage, she of course wanted to shut me up by having sex.

I of course refused, telling her I dont want her duty sex or "shut me up" sex. She became relentless and started doing everything in her power to have sex with me. The more I refused, the harder she tried. Eventually my weak ass gave in, and we had hot and passionate sex

This woman!!!

She needs you financially, doesn't she ?

 

Stepson:
His father is pretty much a deadbeat loser. Constantly missing child support, has a wife and stepson himself who he treats like his son. Has a "every other weekend only" relationship with my stepson out of guilt. No phone calls during the week, no interest in his life, nothing.

I've pretty much raised him since he was 5. I'm his dad and love him as if he were my own. I help him with his homework every day, spend time with him, reward him when he does well, try to teach him to become a strong man. If anything, I've gone above and beyond to help overcome the fact that his biological father is only in the picture due to guilt from his parents.

So when i hear him tell his bio father he loves him and actually asks my wife for money to buy him an xmas/birthday gift, which he has never asked for me, it burns. He shows ultimate respect to his bio father and really pushes attitude to me.

 

I agree with your first thoughts if sh were to have an affair. Drop her off at her ex's house and find a lawyer.

 

I managed to fall asleep last night and when I woke up I was immediately hoping last night was a dream. I'm still in shock and honestly I am scared to death.

My life and my future just radically altered course and I don't have the slightest idea what I'm doing. To top it off, I'm sure I won't have full custody of my daughter thanks to the way the courts favor women.

Also, to answer someone's question.....she doesn't need me financially. We make pretty much the same amount. She needs me as much as I need her on that. We can both survive solo, but it will be tougher for her.

 

I managed to fall asleep last night and when I woke up I was immediately hoping last night was a dream. I'm still in shock and honestly I am scared to death.

My life and my future just radically altered course and I don't have the slightest idea what I'm doing. To top it off, I'm sure I won't have full custody of my daughter thanks to the way the courts favor women.

Also, to answer someone's question.....she doesn't need me financially. We make pretty much the same amount. She needs me as much as I need her on that. We can both survive solo, but it will be tougher for her.

As many others have said, do not make any decisions or take any actions beyond seeing an attorney while you are in this state. Many of us have found that clarity and truth were obtained only when we stopped being afraid of the end of the marriage, at which point paradoxically the marriage can be saved if desired.

 

Don't make any hasty decisions. You are in the land of pain. You have time to sort everything out and it will take time. Many of us here on TAM have gone through what you are now experiencing. It will be rough for a while.

1. Your wife need to have NC with the dude. NC means NC. No goodbyes, nothing.
2. She must come clean on everything. Passwords, phone, etc. Nothing deleted.
3. Expose the A.
4. Get some exercise, eat, no alcohol, no going suicidal.
5. No begging, no pleading, don't go whimpy on us.
6. Ask her for a timeline of events. Ask her to write it down.
7. Get tested for STDs.
8. Do the 180 if needed.
9. Go see an attorney and don't let her know about it.

 

Hawx

Step back.

Peruse through your old threads.

Look how hard you worked on yourself, on your marriage just to improve your relationship.

Just to try to make her happy.

You spent the better part of 2013 trying to figure out what is wrong.

Now you know. Instead of "Just busted her" your thread should have been titled "I am not crazy!!!".

I think you owe it to yourself to step back, evaluate this past year and your marriage and then make a decision.

Because your wife is a truly selfish person. And you and the kids deserve better.

HM

 

Hawx, the question is what are you prepared to do now that you know? For me the shock faded after a half day. It takes a few to sink in. Is this real? Did I just see that text? Am I crazy,paranoid? No none of those things. You didn't write those texts. So what is it then, just a friend, nope, cheater speak. It was only one time, nope cheater speak. You are controlling, nope cheater speak. This is what you will get in between the crying and so on. Deflection is the name of the game. Don't fall for it. What it looks like, is what it looks like. If the situation was reversed, would she automatically think you were playing around, yes indeed, without question, reservation, or purpose of evasion. Sorry duty speak for a second. Gaslight for now, hammer the hell out of her with questions. All the W's, (who,what,where). Give her no room to attempt a story about BS. You have been played if she makes you think or feel bad about what she did. You know, "You pushed me to do this" crap. Stand firm my friend, be strong and stand your ground. Keep coming here for help, we will do our best to support you as best as we can. I say we, because we have been there and are doing that. Good luck.

 

Still don't believe in that alpha/beta crap? Because you fell into the beta/devoted dad/provider role, she had no interest for you. You did everything for her and she took everything for granted.

Do the 180. Look it up since we're not allowed to post it here. Stop doing things for her.

And don't be so sure that the courts will automatically give her custody. Consult a lawyer. There are lawyers who specialize in Father's rights. Cordell & Cordell is one such firm.

BTW, where was she meeting up with him for sex, you know, the sex she was denying you? Now you know that she was never LD, or just "tired", she was giving it up to her OM.

 

Still don't believe in that alpha/beta crap? Because you fell into the beta/devoted dad/provider role, she had no interest for you. You did everything for her and she took everything for granted.

Pretty much.

Don't make any quick decisions. Let your emotions work themselves out first. In the meantime, read NMMNG and MMSLP. It will help you balance out in your head where you should be.

 

Very sorry for you. Get tested for STD's and see a lawyer to understand your options. Show her that there are indeed consequences to her actions. Good luck my friend.

 

I am sorry that your world has been destroyed but happy you now know the truth of your marital problems. \\See an attorney now. File. You can always drop the divorce latter. Please realize that your daughter will be better off being FROM a broken home than living in one.

Many of us have survived the devastation of infidelity. You will too.

 

Thanks for the replies. I am too upset to make decisions right now so I'm trying so hard to stay rational. She's begging and crying to give her a chance and she will spend the rest of her life making it up. She wants to see a counselor. I just don't know how I can ever get the picture of them two together out of my head

 

Talk is cheap for her. Don't fall for it.

You now know the real woman you are married to. It will take time to realize it, but she is not worthy of you.

Hang tough. So sorry you are here.

 

Go get counseling with her. Take some time out for yourself. Maybe even stay somewhere else for a while to see what you really want. You have been through so much in so little time. You need time to think. You wont be able to do this if she has your ear every second your home.

Clay