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FWIW we are still having sex a lot and she never says "no" anymore. Not sure what that's about.

Wife is moving out this weekend in search of her clarity which must happen before she could even think about working on our relationship. Uh No! I have already contacted an attorney and I am filing for divorce. It is not easy as I don't want to be over but I believe needs to happen. Apologies for the long post, having ready so many of the exact same stories here on TAM I felt the need to share.
I suggest you get a full STD screening. It would be insanely naive of you to actually believe this woman hasn't been in a NUMBER of different beds in the last several years.

LOL. She needs 'clarity,' does she? Let me translate that for you. She needs time on her own without YOU breathing down her back so she can see where her little romance with her latest boyfriend is going.

She is a good mom...
You mean she's a 'good mom' when she's not out bed-hopping and leaving you to scramble for their care at the 11th hour because she coudln't be BOTHERED to call you until 5 minutes before they needed to be picked up? Or she's a 'good mom' because she's done nothing but LIE to you and LIE to them for the last couple of years while playing Russian Roulette with their family security by constantly risking your marriage - which she finally succeeded in doing? If I were her, I wouldn't be dusting off the mantle anytime soon expecting the Mother of the Year prize patrol to knock on her door.

You don't realize yet what a gift you've given yourself, removing this toxic liar from your life. Maybe not now, but one day you will, that's a promise.
 

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Hello,
I just want to share my story and consider and advice that may find its way to me. My wife and I have been together for 17 years though we have only been married for 5. We have two young children together (son 7, daughter 4) and generally had a fun caring relationship. As you can tell by the length of time it took us to actually get married we were in no rush to get married. Both of us were building our careers and enjoying each other throughout these years and talked on and off about marriage but we both wanted to be at a certain professional level prior to beginning a family(money, job security, ect, ect,).

In late 2016 my wife was diagnosed and treated for cancer. While the treatment was successful she had very much pushed me to the side for support and relied heavily on her mom. Following the treatment we went to counseling (at her request, yes I took it seriously) as she had just been through a major scare and survived. Looking back this is when the "We" that existed ended. Following a few IC sessions and couples sessions we seemed to be somewhat back on track. The problem is it was all a lie. (yes she lied to the counselor about why we were there)

She began being extremely irresponsible. At least two times a week she would call me five minutes before the kids were to be picked up from daycare and tell me to do it so she could do a happy hour or something the like. She quit buying groceries (one of her responsibilities, I still pay for everything else) so I would be left scrambling to get the kids and figure out dinner while she was out. I only just now found out she was hanging with financial investor friends and putting money into random funds without even discussing. Everything I did was now wrong, it didn't matter what it was, I was made a bad guy especially if I questioned her activities. So 2017 was a tough year and while I am outlining her less than stellar behavior I have my share of faults as well which did no good toward rectifying our issues. I am stubborn and speak my mind/truths from a position of fact vs. accounting for feelings and sometimes when not asked. (This makes for a bad argument btw) Little things became big and the big things now started taking over.

Since this is getting a bit long I will try to shorten the rest. I can always answer questions if needed.

2018 began (mid Jan) with her going to another "happy hour" with a new friend, she will be home by 7PM and bring dinner. 7PM comes, 7:30 I text and call her... no response. 8PM I feed the kids with a thrown together dinner and get them ready for bed. 9PM no answer call/text so I do "find friends" on iPhone.... Removed!!!!! I can no longer see where she is. She comes home at 11:30PM telling me how much she loves me yada yada throws herself on me, we have sex and then proceeds to tell me her happy hour was moved to this man's house and she actually went. She then tells me how he (the man) told her how bad he wanted to f**K her and how connected he feels to her. WTF!!! She held firm nothing happened so because she was forthcoming I trusted her and we moved past this.

Fast forward to April, wife has now been dressing nicer for work, buying new clothes and make-up ect ect. I am standing in my kitchen one day making morning coffee and my wife's phone is sitting there. A text comes in "Good morning darling!" Me... WTF!!!! open the phone and investigate only to find a total emotional affair with this guy from her work. (different guy than above) I confronted her and got the expected "we are just friends", "He's like a brother to me". We talked through some it and I sternly let her know this is a problem and she needs to shut it down. BTW I now this guy and it has been mentioned that we thought he had a work crush on her. He is also married.

Skipping yet again, summer, wife takes a trip to Vegas for a her sisters bachelorette party and after a weekend of promoters hooking them up with guys for battle service at the clubs, she comes back with the worst attitude like she got some attention she had not in some time. I am now doormat, we began arguing more over dumb stuff and the arguments were getting worse in both directions and happening in front of the kids at times. This continues then finally in mid October hit me with "ILYBNILWY", "I need space to get clarity". Being totally crushed I proceeded to do every "Don't do" activity in a scramble to fix my marriage. I need to mention my wife's aggressive behavior consumed her work relationships as well to the point where her entire office wanted her out, she had become impossible to deal with on every front and they finally removed her from the office (she works from home now on a different team).

December, lied about having lunch with EA guy and I caught her, got the usual BS "I knew you would be upset so I didn't tell you type responses yet she is now erasing all text message from him and has been since the April incident. Jan, Feb. more of the same but she needs to move out to get her clarity, it can't happen in the house (she has been sleeping in the basement) FWIW we are still having sex a lot and she never says "no" anymore. Not sure what that's about.

Wife is moving out this weekend in search of her clarity which must happen before she could even think about working on our relationship. Uh No! I have already contacted an attorney and I am filing for divorce. It is not easy as I don't want to be over but I believe needs to happen. Apologies for the long post, having ready so many of the exact same stories here on TAM I felt the need to share.

Thanks!
Sorry you are going through this

Reading this I am trying to figure out what you are losing.
In my viewpoint nothing but gaining by getting her out of
your life, except for the kids. Glad you are filing and go through
with it, even if she thinks you will not. I understand about the
custody of the kids, they need both parents in their lives. In
my viewpoint however I think you will have to be there more
than she will be. If she is in such a hurry to get out maybe she
will sign anything. Let her,and protect yourself and your kids first.

Right now she feels like she is having a great time, she is not.
Happy hours,trip to Vegas, married coworkers, and it is even
causing her problems at work. Her kids are seeing it and the one
thing in her life that she could rely on YOU !! she is throwing
away. When the party life is over and she crashes none of the
other people will be around. She will try and come crawling back to you.
This seems to always happen, don't be there !! Let her go and
find yourself a better life without her.

Your not the bad guy here. You just will not tolerate this crap and
should not have to. She can only blame herself for this and it doesn't
end well for her.

Again sorry you are going through this.
 

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Yes, she did come from the cancer as a different person in many ways, lots of self help books, suddenly the social butterfly. Not to mention she gained an "in your face" type of attitude.

Sitting here today I can honestly say I don't know, these incidents were never swept away, in fact I have always struggled with them but also had a level of trust in my wife which allowed me to work forward. I realized once I caught her lying about EA guy her lines were BS. I played the typical sucker in the hopes of having a good wife. Also there are so many incidents this last year I just highlighted a couple milestones. A year goes fast when your in the s**t.
It's strange. Some people battle cancer or almost die in a crash or whatever, and they just go bananas. It's like a second childhood mixed with a mid-life crisis.

Other people get grounded and learn to appreciate everything and everyone they already have.

Both are a person choice for which the person is accountable.

Cancer made me hone in on what mattered and the people who loved me. The rest became background noise.

It evidently made your wife go bananas. Though we all no cancer doesn't "MAKE" someone do anything.

I'm sorry you are going through this
 

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Side note: She sent this to me today explaining this is exactly how she feels and why she needs to leave to find the clarity.

youtube.com/watch?v=opaFc3PTH1U
:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

She might as well have sent you the Eat, Pray, Love DVD
 

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I'm sorry you are here. It is the worst place to be, but you will get through this.

I'm glad to see you are moving forwards with divorce.

Has anyone shared the 180 with you? If not you need to implement it so that you can gain emotional independence and bolster yourself for the traumas to come. It will help you detach from her and keep your sanity and a good portion of your self respect.

The 180


1, Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.

Print this out, memorize it, live it.
 

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OP, I was where you are now about 8 years ago. It wasn't cancer that derailed my XWW, but the death of both of her parents within a year.

Follow through with the divorce. Take advantage of her lack of mental clarity and get a good settlement. You are doing the right thing for you and your kids. You have been given a lot of great advice here. Do the 180! Get out as fast and as cleanly as possible...emotionally and physically. Focus on your kids and yourself. Don't look back. When you are in Hell, keep going. You will get through this and realize how much better off you are. It may take some time but don't lose heart. She is broken and someone else's problem now. She does not deserve you or what you had. Trust me, it gets better and time will be your best friend.
 

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She is a good mom and we have already agreed to 50/50 coparenting. Sorry about your mom!
I am sorry, but from what you have said about her she is, in fact, an absolutely dreadful mother! :mad:
 

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Helloooooo Newman! Sorry. Couldn't help myself.

Try posting your story over on Coping With Infidelity. You'll get a broader range of opinions and insights over there.
 

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She is a good mom and we have already agreed to 50/50 coparenting. Sorry about your mom!
Sorry man, but a good Mom does not blow off plans to pick up kids at the last minute in favor of hanging out in bars and does not forget to buy groceries for the home if she is responsible for it. She does not say she will be home by 7:00 for dinner and kid time then stay out partying until 11:30 with no contact.

She is not a good Mom. She is just selfish. Wants to have her fun and does not care who it hurts.
 

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I, too, don't think she is being a good mom. Good mothers put their children front and center, not themselves.

Your WW is sadly typical of someone who has discovered her mortality and the answer is to treat the people who love her like **** while she basks in the shallow adulation of others. So sorry for this, but this type of reaction to a life-threatening illness isn't unknown.

Please follow the advice to do the 180. This is for your own detachment, but it will also bring her her much desired clarity - it will be clear to her soon enough that she has been blowing up the good things in her life.
 

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This has already gone to full blown sexual affair without a doubt.

It is quite possible that she is hormonally different on thyroid replacement. If her t3/t4 are running a little hot (lower TSR), she may be more confident and aggressive than before.

Be prepared for her relationship with OM to be out in the open very soon, use this to your advantage, if she is happy in affair fog, you might get better divorce terms. Get through the D quickly.

At some point, maybe right after being served or a little later when she is dumped by OM, she will try to sex her way back into your life. Don't let it happen.

Get to the gym on the regular, focus on your kids, force some social life time to distract you.
 

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Hello,
I just want to share my story and consider and advice that may find its way to me. My wife and I have been together for 17 years though we have only been married for 5. We have two young children together (son 7, daughter 4) and generally had a fun caring relationship. As you can tell by the length of time it took us to actually get married we were in no rush to get married. Both of us were building our careers and enjoying each other throughout these years and talked on and off about marriage but we both wanted to be at a certain professional level prior to beginning a family(money, job security, ect, ect,).

In late 2016 my wife was diagnosed and treated for cancer. While the treatment was successful she had very much pushed me to the side for support and relied heavily on her mom. Following the treatment we went to counseling (at her request, yes I took it seriously) as she had just been through a major scare and survived. Looking back this is when the "We" that existed ended. Following a few IC sessions and couples sessions we seemed to be somewhat back on track. The problem is it was all a lie. (yes she lied to the counselor about why we were there)

She began being extremely irresponsible. At least two times a week she would call me five minutes before the kids were to be picked up from daycare and tell me to do it so she could do a happy hour or something the like. She quit buying groceries (one of her responsibilities, I still pay for everything else) so I would be left scrambling to get the kids and figure out dinner while she was out. I only just now found out she was hanging with financial investor friends and putting money into random funds without even discussing. Everything I did was now wrong, it didn't matter what it was, I was made a bad guy especially if I questioned her activities. So 2017 was a tough year and while I am outlining her less than stellar behavior I have my share of faults as well which did no good toward rectifying our issues. I am stubborn and speak my mind/truths from a position of fact vs. accounting for feelings and sometimes when not asked. (This makes for a bad argument btw) Little things became big and the big things now started taking over.

Since this is getting a bit long I will try to shorten the rest. I can always answer questions if needed.

2018 began (mid Jan) with her going to another "happy hour" with a new friend, she will be home by 7PM and bring dinner. 7PM comes, 7:30 I text and call her... no response. 8PM I feed the kids with a thrown together dinner and get them ready for bed. 9PM no answer call/text so I do "find friends" on iPhone.... Removed!!!!! I can no longer see where she is. She comes home at 11:30PM telling me how much she loves me yada yada throws herself on me, we have sex and then proceeds to tell me her happy hour was moved to this man's house and she actually went. She then tells me how he (the man) told her how bad he wanted to **** her and how connected he feels to her. WTF!!! She held firm nothing happened so because she was forthcoming I trusted her and we moved past this.

Fast forward to April, wife has now been dressing nicer for work, buying new clothes and make-up ect ect. I am standing in my kitchen one day making morning coffee and my wife's phone is sitting there. A text comes in "Good morning darling!" Me... WTF!!!! open the phone and investigate only to find a total emotional affair with this guy from her work. (different guy than above) I confronted her and got the expected "we are just friends", "He's like a brother to me". We talked through some it and I sternly let her know this is a problem and she needs to shut it down. BTW I now this guy and it has been mentioned that we thought he had a work crush on her. He is also married.

Skipping yet again, summer, wife takes a trip to Vegas for a her sisters bachelorette party and after a weekend of promoters hooking them up with guys for battle service at the clubs, she comes back with the worst attitude like she got some attention she had not in some time. I am now doormat, we began arguing more over dumb stuff and the arguments were getting worse in both directions and happening in front of the kids at times. This continues then finally in mid October hit me with "ILYBNILWY", "I need space to get clarity". Being totally crushed I proceeded to do every "Don't do" activity in a scramble to fix my marriage. I need to mention my wife's aggressive behavior consumed her work relationships as well to the point where her entire office wanted her out, she had become impossible to deal with on every front and they finally removed her from the office (she works from home now on a different team).

December, lied about having lunch with EA guy and I caught her, got the usual BS "I knew you would be upset so I didn't tell you type responses yet she is now erasing all text message from him and has been since the April incident. Jan, Feb. more of the same but she needs to move out to get her clarity, it can't happen in the house (she has been sleeping in the basement) FWIW we are still having sex a lot and she never says "no" anymore. Not sure what that's about.

Wife is moving out this weekend in search of her clarity which must happen before she could even think about working on our relationship. Uh No! I have already contacted an attorney and I am filing for divorce. It is not easy as I don't want to be over but I believe needs to happen. Apologies for the long post, having ready so many of the exact same stories here on TAM I felt the need to share.

Thanks!
Sounds kind of like my ex wife. She too did have cancer right before I might her at 22 or so, but got over it. We were together like 7 years, and then we got married. Only lasted three years. It became clear that she didn't get the freedom she needed in her twenties, wanted to really work on her career, and quite frankly wanted to travel and do what she want.

It was almost like a female midlife crisis in her 30s. She claims she never cheated but there sure were a lot of guys trying. I think she felt insecure and liked the attention. I don't think she wanted kids which we had started to try and have. She wanted independence, and that was that.
 

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Sounds kind of like my ex wife. She too did have cancer right before I might her at 22 or so, but got over it. We were together like 7 years, and then we got married. Only lasted three years. It became clear that she didn't get the freedom she needed in her twenties, wanted to really work on her career, and quite frankly wanted to travel and do what she want.

It was almost like a female midlife crisis in her 30s. She claims she never cheated but there sure were a lot of guys trying. I think she felt insecure and liked the attention. I don't think she wanted kids which we had started to try and have. She wanted independence, and that was that.

Sounds about right! I will say the downward spiral started to show about a year after our second child, then following the cancer it was like a switch got flipped. Now its the world of completely rewritten history, she was never happy (all 17 years), can't answer as to why we even married, ect ect. I hate to just brand midlife crisis because she appears to truly believe the stuff she replays. Truth is that most of it is just false and always seems to include a negative spin in my direction. You put it best right here "wants to really work on her career, and quite frankly wants to travel and do what she wants without accountability" This seems to be the broken record story so many have been through here. I just wish I would have gotten hip to it sooner and saved myself the last 6 months.
 
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