[Chilliman]

I've been scrolling through the threads the past few days/weeks looking for advice and decided I need to explain my own situation to maybe get the right advice.

Where do I begin ( this could take a while... )

We have been married for 7 months now and in the past 7 months we have had sex (drum roll please ) a total of 3 times, including the honeymoon...The honeymoon sex in itself was a blunder. I'll explain a bit later.

We started dating in 2007, moved in and all was wonderfull. Sex was great and our relationship flourished. I worked from home back then and she had an office job. On many occasion before she left for work she would jump me, in her work clothes while I was still asleep in bed, what man could ever complain about waking up like that!!! We really did have fun back then and we could not get enough of each other. In the back of my mind I thought it would cool down but it never did untill about 3 years in our relationship. ( we where at this point having sex 4-5 times a week. )No biggy, we adapted and where both happy having sex 2-3 times a week, then once a week, once every 3 weeks until it stretched to once every 6 weeks or so...alarm bells sounded and I spoke to her on more than one occasion explaining that we need to sort this out, it's going to cause problems. It would be ok again for 2 or so weeks and then go back to the normal routine. It was in these "dry spells" that I would resent her. I really, REALLY did not want to, I mean I love her dearly and it was the last thing I wanted to feel towards her. She knew in the times that I did not really speak to her it was because of the "sex thing again" and ask why I did not speak to her about it. Really, you want me to explain myself AGAIN, I just did 4 weeks ago!

In 2010 we bought a house together and got engaged. I must admit, my judgement was clouded and I should've run when I had the chance but, I loved this girl and I did not run because I am no coward and will stare this problem in the face and fight it till it gets resolved. I've never quit anything before and did not intend to start now. It was in the first week that we moved in when we got robbed. This had a huge impact on her. Coming from a country where she does not hear about this often ( she is from England ) and me, pretty much used to hearing it everyday and was mildly affected by the ordeal.We put the house on the market the very next day, she did not want to stay there anymore. While we where looking for a new place we stayed with my parents. This was no problem as she loved my parents and my folks adored her. It went downhill very fast from here. Sex disappeared for about 6 months. We had sex one night because she was drunk from a party we attended earlier... I did not force sex at all because I knew she was unhappy and still affected by the robbery. I read up that depression puts a major damper on sex drive. Sex was a problem. Whenever we did try it would hurt her after a while. This was never a problem before. I tried to introduce lube into the picture but she is still hesitant to this day. We will use it ( when we actually do have sex ) but very reluctantly. I stopped asking and talking about sex for time being. Best I could do for her then was to support her and find us a new, safe home. Besides the whole robbery ordeal she quit her job. Her boss was a horrible person and took her for granted. I encouraged her decision and by this time was lucky enough to support us both comfortably. She has in the mean time found a new job, a really nice job with awesome colleagues. So her being jobless is not an issue anymore and does not have to stress about that.

We moved into our new place early 2011 and I thought to myself things would get better from here. Man oh man was I wrong. It went even further south. We had many arguments about "the sex thing". I carry her on my hands. I support her mentally and financially, cook, help clean and will try my best to keep her happy. Weekends away, spa treatments etc get an "awww, that's so romantic of you!" Hug, kiss, cuddle, intimate part done... I've asked her what has changed from back when we moved in till now. Her reply is " the relationship has aged". This really upset me and asked her to explain what she means. Her seeing is that the older the relationship gets the less intimacy there is aka, sex. Whomever put this notion in her head needs a swift kick up the ass. I've even asked her if she is seeing someone else because it is not normal for a person to not want to have sex, unless they are getting their needs fulfilled somewhere else! I've doubted myself at times. Is it my fault that we are not having sex!? Do I not make her happy in bed ( I always make sure she has the big O first ), am I such a bad lover that she just finds me repulsive? I've put these notions out of my head since then. I've read many forums and most people say that it is not your fault and you should not look for something wrong within yourself.

We started planning the wedding and this put even more stress on her. Stress = even lower sex drive. I helped best I could and would sit with her for hours over weekends helping with wedding things. I tried to take as much as I possibly can to relieve pressure from her. It didn't help. She remained freaked and stressed about everything. Anyway, in April this year we tied the knot, no sex on our wedding night. Left for honeymoon 2 weeks later ( no sex in between the wedding and up till we left for the honeymoon ) and we had sex on the night before we left. Get this, the reason we had sex was because "we cannot not have sex on our honeymoon", her own words. I actually left the chalet when she said that and went for a walk on the beach to cool down. I got back, made up and we had sex for the first time in about 4 months.

I took her away for the weekend recently where we actually did have sex, once. This was the first time in 5 months after our honeymoon sex. The last time we had sex was about a month ago, she was tipsy from a night out at a friends birthday party.



Sex to me is about intimacy and to connect with your lover/spouse/partner in a way that only 2 people can when making love. I've tried explaining this to her, it's not because of lust that I want sex from her, it's the intimacy I yearn and having sex for the sake of having sex is great from time to time, it's fun and you can explore new ways to make each other feel good. Important part, make EACH OTHER feel GOOD.

She was on BC but I talked her to come off it for a while to see how things went. We both read that it puts a damper on sex drive. It did not help. She was diagnosed with depression about 2 months ago and is on anti depressants and seeing a psychologist. Again, I did some reading that anti deps have an affect on sex drive and there has been no change in our sex life since she has been seeing the doc. I understand that sex is the last thing she thinks about while feeling like she is now. Bit everytime I do mention sex, the topic gets changed or just ignored. I've stopped initiating sex, I only get turned down and it starts to hurt after getting turned down everytime. So the ball is in her court essentially and it is travelling very slowly...

I feel very bitter towards her and it shows. I decided about 3 weeks ago, after we had the sex talk again, that I will step back from being myself and see what happens. I've stopped talking to her, in a sense I mean. I will never ignore her. I mean I don't communicate with her anymore, I will ask about her day and talk about what is necessary at the time but I wont go look to make conversation. I've stopped helping around the house with chores etc. I've stopped the cooking part as well. I used to be a chef so i did most of the cooking anyway. I never minded the cooking, it was my relax time after work. I've stopped going out with her be it to the shops for groceries or walk the dog. I make up excuses why I don't want to go watch a movie or go out for dinner. Basically I've stopped doing all the small things that counts. Look, I'm not looking for sex as a reward by doing these things. I just think she has gotten so used to the things I do for her she does not notice it anymore.

I am at the end of my tether and patience is running dry. I love her dearly and respect the fact that her needs are not the same as mine but I also have needs!

Sorry if this post is jumbled and hard to make sense of. I wrote it at a whim and with a bit of anger/frustration.

Thanks for reading...

 

[Trying2figureitout]

"I stopped initiating sex"

There is your issue.

You really expect her to make the first move?

Look I know what you are going through being in a sexless marriage myself... but in order to fix it you have to keep initiating even though rejections are hard on you.

What you desire is not weird or abnormal... shes your wife. Let her deal with you constantly wanting her.

Less talk and more action.
I'm 2 years 11 months into our fix...
I notice a change in my wife as I initiate she lets it go further and further. It takes time for your wife to re-open sexual feelings. Take it slow but be consistent in attempts.

 

[Trying2figureitout]

"I stopped initiating sex"

There is your issue.

You really expect her to make the first move?

Look I know what you are going through being in a sexless marriage myself... but in order to fix it you have to keep initiating even though rejections are hard on you.

What you desire is not weird or abnormal... shes your wife. Let her deal with you constantly wanting her.

Less talk and more action.
I'm 2 years 11 months into our fix...
I notice a change in my wife as I initiate she lets it go further and further. It takes time for your wife to re-open sexual feelings. Take it slow but be consistent in attempts.

Sex is need 1 or 2 for you and need 5 or 6 for your wife.

 

[Open up now let it all go]

Depression and lots of stress hmmm? I've had that with my partner. As for running off: I found that during the stage when the relationship was at its absolute lowest point it was the hardest to think about dumping her. I mean what must it be like when you're in a depression to also have your partner abandon you? That was for me the most important reason to stay during that period even though in hindsight I can say that I was majorly unhappy in that situation. I also don't forsake my friends or family when they're having a rough time...

 

[Chilliman]

"I stopped initiating sex"

There is your issue.

You really expect her to make the first move?

Problem is, it's always me making the move! If I did not mention sex it would never be mentioned at all. A man can only take so many rejections before it really starts affecting him. When I do hint/initiate I get a cold shoulder with a snarl "is it always just about sex for you?!" This in turn ends in an argument. I've rather stopped from my side to avoid the argument and cold shoulder treatment.

I'm not over exaggerating. The last time she actually hinted to want to have sex must have been about 2 years ago, just when we moved into our first place.

 

[Mavash.]

Depression and lots of stress hmmm? I've had that with my partner. As for running off: I found that during the stage when the relationship was at its absolute lowest point it was the hardest to think about dumping her. I mean what must it be like when you're in a depression to also have your partner abandon you? That was for me the most important reason to stay during that period even though in hindsight I can say that I was majorly unhappy in that situation. I also don't forsake my friends or family when they're having a rough time...

I suffered from depression for years and I see your point. But at some point you can't just stay hoping and wishing someone will get better. People with depression are toxic to be around. I know I was. My husband didn't leave because I was working very hard to fix it. Those were some tough years and I'm grateful he stood by me.

Had I not worked to fix it he should have absolutely dumped me. It wouldn't have been fair for me to ruin his life just because I was mentally unstable.

 

[wiigirl]

Married only 7 months?

RUN.

I wouldnt say run....juat get help.

Posted via Mobile Device

 

[Open up now let it all go]

Very true - my gf snapped out of it just when I started to ponder why I was in a relationship that didn't make me happy.

I hope OP's partner snaps out of it as well - depression is a giant sex drive killer.

 

[Mavash.]

Very true - my gf snapped out of it just when I started to ponder why I was in a relationship that didn't make me happy.

I hope OP's partner snaps out of it as well - depression is a giant sex drive killer.

Depression is largely selfish. It was only when I got that wake up call that I was about to lose everything because of it that I sought help.

I'm not downplaying depression as I know how bad it is. The selfish part is where I thought I could just be however I wanted without consequences.

 

[Trying2figureitout]

Problem is, it's always me making the move! If I did not mention sex it would never be mentioned at all. A man can only take so many rejections before it really starts affecting him. When I do hint/initiate I get a cold shoulder with a snarl "is it always just about sex for you?!" This in turn ends in an argument. I've rather stopped from my side to avoid the argument and cold shoulder treatment.

I'm not over exaggerating. The last time she actually hinted to want to have sex must have been about 2 years ago, just when we moved into our first place.

Many women refuse to initiate... that is not news.
In my entire marriage i can count on my fingers the number of times my wife actually initiated. So dream on.

Don't hint don't ask just try.... try as much as you can.

If she complains let her. You just shrug your shoulders and can say... all I want to do is love my wife. Goodnight.

Rinse-repeat.

Eventually she will she she is running out of excuses.

Wil take time but eventually she'll see the benefits of sex out weigh the constant avoidance.

The key don't get upset... just keep trying over and over and over.

 

[Memento]

She is taking you for granted. It also sounds she is confused about you being Mr Nice Guy with being weak! That is why women are generally attracted to jerks. It keeps them in their toes!

 

[PHTlump]

While Trying2figureitout is correct that women typically have responsive sexual desire rather than spontaneous sexual desire, recommending that you just keep banging your head against the wall is idiotic. For proof of that, see that he is three years into a sexless relationship and, best case scenario, he will have sex with his wife many months from now.

Just keep trying is not the solution. The fact is that your wife isn't attracted to you. Even a woman with a low sex drive will have sex on her honeymoon. So, you have two options. The first is to change yourself in the hopes that you can become attractive to her again. The second is to divorce.

Look at Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits. Buy the Primer. Run the MAP and, hopefully, your wife will begin to see sex with you as something desirable. If not, dump her for another woman who is actually into you.

Also, you need to definitively rule out an affair(s) as the cause of her loss of desire for you. Check her phone records for numbers with unreasonable activity. Check her email and Facebook accounts for evidence. Look at her credit card statements for evidence. You need to know whether she just isn't into you, or whether she's into another man.

Good luck.

 

[WorkingOnMe]

She needs to see through your actions that this is a deal breaker. Your history shows that she can treat you progressively worse and you will simply reward her bad behavior. She treats you bad, you buy her a house. She treats you worse, you buy another house. She all but cuts you off completely, you marry her. Myself, I would walk. I would come home from work and tell her I think it's time for a separation, because it's clear that we're not really a couple and that you're not into me. I would tell her that a sexless marriage is a deal breaker. That I thought it would get better but it's only gotten worse and that you don't respect me enough to even acknowledge that it's a real problem. Then I would pack up a few things and go to a hotel. This would either be the death of the marriage, or it would be a real wake up call. I think she doesn't believe you're serious. She thinks you're all talk, and she can do whatever she wants.

A woman needs to feel safe in the relationship as a sexual being. She also needs to feel unsafe in the relationship if she is not. Not physically unsafe, but that the very existence of the relationship is not a sure thing.

 

[Madman1]

She jumped your bones in the beginning when you were not a sure thing, maybe its time to become a "not sure thing again" and stay that way!

 

[old pilot]

Its cheaper to hire a hooker.

 

[Chilliman]

I cornered her last night, again. Got home yesterday after work and said we need to talk.

We sat down after dinner and I spoke in a calm manner and told her my issues and I fear that our marriage is in jeopardy because of the no sex.

Basically told her I have needs as a man and husband and besides that, I would like to show my love by being intimate with her, much like trying2figureitout mentioned above. She went on the offensive a bit and again said, why is it always about sex, I can show my affection in different ways to her. "Like how?" I asked.

She rambled on about helping around the house, spending alone time together, walks, movies, dinner dates and by doing little things to show I still care. Erm, hello, now you notice these things because I stopped doing them for the past few weeks.

At this point I felt like I kind of made a breakthrough, she went very quiet when I said I stopped doing these things on purpose to show her what she actually has and getting from me. She asked did I stop because we are not having sex and I replied yes. I explained I don't expect sex as a reward for every time I do something nice or help out. It simply wants me to do these things for her because I know it makes her happy. Small things makes her happy and sex makes me happy so we both happy. I tried to explain it in a metaphoric way. My love tank get filled up when we make love, hers when I help around the house and spend time with her, hugs kisses etc. My love tank is running empty and I do not want to do those things for her and then her love tank runs empty and that's when we get stuck in the rut we are in now, arguing about something very simple.

I went on explaining that a marriage/relationship is about give and take. I don't always want to help tidy up the house quickly on a Saturday morning but I do it with the hope that she will remember it, made her happy and make me happy in return.

She mentioned our shower times at this point. We do shower together at least 4 times a week. We use this time to catch up when we both get home late from work before we have dinner. Talk time so to speak. Now this is the weird part. Without fail, she will go down on me at least once in a week while we're in the shower, when I want to return the favour, be it me going down on her, sex or just me touching her ( masturbate her ) she does not want me to. ( She has never been keen on me going down on her, some days she likes it some days she does not. I make very sure I do what she likes when she does enjoy it by asking her how and where and rarely deviate from what she likes. ) This is very confusing at times. She can go down on me once a week but not want to have sex or me return the favour?! I told her that I really, REALLY do enjoy it when she goes down on me but I feel empty when I cannot return the favour and as nice as it is, it's not the same as having sex and being intimate...

At this point she broke down into tears and I mean she really broke down. When she calmed down she told me that she yearns to have sex with me and be like we used to be but she doesn't know what happened with herself. We tried to work it back to try and point where it went downhill badly and it came back to the robbery again. She did go for trauma counseling after the incident but clearly did not work. She reckons she has been living with depression for the past 2 years and only admitted to it a few months ago because she was embarrassed about it. So, in the time we could've addressed the issue when it was just poking it's head out and have it sorted quickly she has left it for nearly 2 years! So depression, BC pills and stress is a really, REALLY nice ****tail to put any persons sex drive in the dumps.

She also said she is scared of sex. When we do have sex it starts to hurt her after a while. I knew about this and I can kind of understand this part. Why would you put yourself in a situation where you know you are going to have to endure pain?! Now I've gone the lube way before. Like I said, she will use it but very hesitant to do so. She reckons that it should happen naturally and we should not need help be intimate.

We spent about an hour talking things out and I think I kind of made some sort of headway. It basically ended with thank you for talking/telling me instead of shutting me out. I respect your needs and better understand why you want to have sex/be intimate. She said she will make a conscious effort to have sex at least once a week and should she forget I must remind her. We'll take it from there and hopefully things do get better and that she will start enjoying it again and also want it more often.

 

[PBear]

Sounds like quite a positive discussion, at least from the perspective of opening up communication channels! Good job, both of you!

C

 

[Chilliman]

I'm just going through some other sexless marriage threads and I am quite shocked to see that it is a majority of women complaining about their husbands not wanting sex!

What is wrong with you guys?! Tend to your wife if you love her. Make her feel special, wanted, needed and loved!

I just wish, really wish that we could sometimes reverse roles and she could feel what it feels like not to get sex when she yearns it.

 

[IndyTMI]

I would love it if my wife asked me for sex. I think that would be one of the most erotic things she could say. Talk about a major turn on...knowing your wife wants you to take her. Oh, a man can dream anyway...right?

 

[HockeyGuy28]

Chilliman,

Glad that it seems things may be on the up. I certainly do not want to rain on your parade but let me warn you.

A lot of the signs you mentioned and situations you mentioned are very similar to mine. My wife is depressed, on BC, high stress and anxiety. I convinced myself that once we moved in together and once we got married things would change. They have not and I am afraid they never will. Her mother and I had talks with her to get her to see someone about her depression, she has drug her feet and made no real effort. She has changed her BC many times. No help.

She has told me I need to work at it, I have to wine and dine her and while that is all fine and dandy, sometimes I just want to have sex to have sex. I have always been real nice with her, I always do the little things like you mentioned (laundry, cleaning, cooking, etc) but its completely un-noticed and appreciated. Recently I had stopped doing things just like you had (not only cause we were not having sex though) and she was very quick to point out that I was not helping and that I had become distant.

My wife has no sex drive. It was always rather low but it was never this bad, I mean she used to work at victoria secret so she has tons of lingerie. She used to wear it a little more often she actually liked wearing it, now in the last year she has probably worn it twice (both times cause I told her too). No matter how many talks we had, there was never any change. I would go back to the wine and dining (which never really stopped) and we would have 1-2 good weeks. Then bam...right back to the old ways. She would tell me I have to initiate more often...I am 27 and want sex every day...hell I would love it multiple times a day...however when I would try to initiate, she would push me away, she would say shes too tired, or some other excuse...So basically I am told to do something, I do it and then nothing happens. As you mentioned the only real times we have had good sex is when shes drunk or buzzed.

I really hope you work things out. My wife and I have been unable too and unfortunately this is only one of our many issues we have. I am in the process now of getting a divorce.