I've been scrolling through the threads the past few days/weeks looking for advice and decided I need to explain my own situation to maybe get the right advice.
Where do I begin ( this could take a while... )
We have been married for 7 months now and in the past 7 months we have had sex (drum roll please ) a total of 3 times, including the honeymoon...The honeymoon sex in itself was a blunder. I'll explain a bit later.
We started dating in 2007, moved in and all was wonderfull. Sex was great and our relationship flourished. I worked from home back then and she had an office job. On many occasion before she left for work she would jump me, in her work clothes while I was still asleep in bed, what man could ever complain about waking up like that!!!
We really did have fun back then and we could not get enough of each other. In the back of my mind I thought it would cool down but it never did untill about 3 years in our relationship. ( we where at this point having sex 4-5 times a week. )No biggy, we adapted and where both happy having sex 2-3 times a week, then once a week, once every 3 weeks until it stretched to once every 6 weeks or so...alarm bells sounded and I spoke to her on more than one occasion explaining that we need to sort this out, it's going to cause problems. It would be ok again for 2 or so weeks and then go back to the normal routine. It was in these "dry spells" that I would resent her. I really, REALLY did not want to, I mean I love her dearly and it was the last thing I wanted to feel towards her. She knew in the times that I did not really speak to her it was because of the "sex thing again" and ask why I did not speak to her about it. Really, you want me to explain myself AGAIN, I just did 4 weeks ago!
In 2010 we bought a house together and got engaged. I must admit, my judgement was clouded and I should've run when I had the chance but, I loved this girl and I did not run because I am no coward and will stare this problem in the face and fight it till it gets resolved. I've never quit anything before and did not intend to start now. It was in the first week that we moved in when we got robbed. This had a huge impact on her. Coming from a country where she does not hear about this often ( she is from England ) and me, pretty much used to hearing it everyday and was mildly affected by the ordeal.We put the house on the market the very next day, she did not want to stay there anymore. While we where looking for a new place we stayed with my parents. This was no problem as she loved my parents and my folks adored her. It went downhill very fast from here. Sex disappeared for about 6 months. We had sex one night because she was drunk from a party we attended earlier... I did not force sex at all because I knew she was unhappy and still affected by the robbery. I read up that depression puts a major damper on sex drive. Sex was a problem. Whenever we did try it would hurt her after a while. This was never a problem before. I tried to introduce lube into the picture but she is still hesitant to this day. We will use it ( when we actually do have sex ) but very reluctantly. I stopped asking and talking about sex for time being. Best I could do for her then was to support her and find us a new, safe home. Besides the whole robbery ordeal she quit her job. Her boss was a horrible person and took her for granted. I encouraged her decision and by this time was lucky enough to support us both comfortably. She has in the mean time found a new job, a really nice job with awesome colleagues. So her being jobless is not an issue anymore and does not have to stress about that.
We moved into our new place early 2011 and I thought to myself things would get better from here. Man oh man was I wrong. It went even further south. We had many arguments about "the sex thing". I carry her on my hands. I support her mentally and financially, cook, help clean and will try my best to keep her happy. Weekends away, spa treatments etc get an "awww, that's so romantic of you!" Hug, kiss, cuddle, intimate part done... I've asked her what has changed from back when we moved in till now. Her reply is " the relationship has aged". This really upset me and asked her to explain what she means. Her seeing is that the older the relationship gets the less intimacy there is aka, sex. Whomever put this notion in her head needs a swift kick up the ass. I've even asked her if she is seeing someone else because it is not normal for a person to not want to have sex, unless they are getting their needs fulfilled somewhere else! I've doubted myself at times. Is it my fault that we are not having sex!? Do I not make her happy in bed ( I always make sure she has the big O first ), am I such a bad lover that she just finds me repulsive? I've put these notions out of my head since then. I've read many forums and most people say that it is not your fault and you should not look for something wrong within yourself.
We started planning the wedding and this put even more stress on her. Stress = even lower sex drive. I helped best I could and would sit with her for hours over weekends helping with wedding things. I tried to take as much as I possibly can to relieve pressure from her. It didn't help. She remained freaked and stressed about everything. Anyway, in April this year we tied the knot, no sex on our wedding night. Left for honeymoon 2 weeks later ( no sex in between the wedding and up till we left for the honeymoon ) and we had sex on the night before we left. Get this, the reason we had sex was because "we cannot not have sex on our honeymoon", her own words. I actually left the chalet when she said that and went for a walk on the beach to cool down. I got back, made up and we had sex for the first time in about 4 months.
I took her away for the weekend recently where we actually did have sex, once. This was the first time in 5 months after our honeymoon sex. The last time we had sex was about a month ago, she was tipsy from a night out at a friends birthday party.
Sex to me is about intimacy and to connect with your lover/spouse/partner in a way that only 2 people can when making love. I've tried explaining this to her, it's not because of lust that I want sex from her, it's the intimacy I yearn and having sex for the sake of having sex is great from time to time, it's fun and you can explore new ways to make each other feel good. Important part, make EACH OTHER feel GOOD.
She was on BC but I talked her to come off it for a while to see how things went. We both read that it puts a damper on sex drive. It did not help. She was diagnosed with depression about 2 months ago and is on anti depressants and seeing a psychologist. Again, I did some reading that anti deps have an affect on sex drive and there has been no change in our sex life since she has been seeing the doc. I understand that sex is the last thing she thinks about while feeling like she is now. Bit everytime I do mention sex, the topic gets changed or just ignored. I've stopped initiating sex, I only get turned down and it starts to hurt after getting turned down everytime. So the ball is in her court essentially and it is travelling very slowly...
I feel very bitter towards her and it shows. I decided about 3 weeks ago, after we had the sex talk again, that I will step back from being myself and see what happens. I've stopped talking to her, in a sense I mean. I will never ignore her. I mean I don't communicate with her anymore, I will ask about her day and talk about what is necessary at the time but I wont go look to make conversation. I've stopped helping around the house with chores etc. I've stopped the cooking part as well. I used to be a chef so i did most of the cooking anyway. I never minded the cooking, it was my relax time after work. I've stopped going out with her be it to the shops for groceries or walk the dog. I make up excuses why I don't want to go watch a movie or go out for dinner. Basically I've stopped doing all the small things that counts. Look, I'm not looking for sex as a reward by doing these things. I just think she has gotten so used to the things I do for her she does not notice it anymore.
I am at the end of my tether and patience is running dry. I love her dearly and respect the fact that her needs are not the same as mine but I also have needs!
Sorry if this post is jumbled and hard to make sense of. I wrote it at a whim and with a bit of anger/frustration.
Thanks for reading...
Where do I begin ( this could take a while... )
We have been married for 7 months now and in the past 7 months we have had sex (drum roll please ) a total of 3 times, including the honeymoon...The honeymoon sex in itself was a blunder. I'll explain a bit later.
We started dating in 2007, moved in and all was wonderfull. Sex was great and our relationship flourished. I worked from home back then and she had an office job. On many occasion before she left for work she would jump me, in her work clothes while I was still asleep in bed, what man could ever complain about waking up like that!!!
In 2010 we bought a house together and got engaged. I must admit, my judgement was clouded and I should've run when I had the chance but, I loved this girl and I did not run because I am no coward and will stare this problem in the face and fight it till it gets resolved. I've never quit anything before and did not intend to start now. It was in the first week that we moved in when we got robbed. This had a huge impact on her. Coming from a country where she does not hear about this often ( she is from England ) and me, pretty much used to hearing it everyday and was mildly affected by the ordeal.We put the house on the market the very next day, she did not want to stay there anymore. While we where looking for a new place we stayed with my parents. This was no problem as she loved my parents and my folks adored her. It went downhill very fast from here. Sex disappeared for about 6 months. We had sex one night because she was drunk from a party we attended earlier... I did not force sex at all because I knew she was unhappy and still affected by the robbery. I read up that depression puts a major damper on sex drive. Sex was a problem. Whenever we did try it would hurt her after a while. This was never a problem before. I tried to introduce lube into the picture but she is still hesitant to this day. We will use it ( when we actually do have sex ) but very reluctantly. I stopped asking and talking about sex for time being. Best I could do for her then was to support her and find us a new, safe home. Besides the whole robbery ordeal she quit her job. Her boss was a horrible person and took her for granted. I encouraged her decision and by this time was lucky enough to support us both comfortably. She has in the mean time found a new job, a really nice job with awesome colleagues. So her being jobless is not an issue anymore and does not have to stress about that.
We moved into our new place early 2011 and I thought to myself things would get better from here. Man oh man was I wrong. It went even further south. We had many arguments about "the sex thing". I carry her on my hands. I support her mentally and financially, cook, help clean and will try my best to keep her happy. Weekends away, spa treatments etc get an "awww, that's so romantic of you!" Hug, kiss, cuddle, intimate part done... I've asked her what has changed from back when we moved in till now. Her reply is " the relationship has aged". This really upset me and asked her to explain what she means. Her seeing is that the older the relationship gets the less intimacy there is aka, sex. Whomever put this notion in her head needs a swift kick up the ass. I've even asked her if she is seeing someone else because it is not normal for a person to not want to have sex, unless they are getting their needs fulfilled somewhere else! I've doubted myself at times. Is it my fault that we are not having sex!? Do I not make her happy in bed ( I always make sure she has the big O first ), am I such a bad lover that she just finds me repulsive? I've put these notions out of my head since then. I've read many forums and most people say that it is not your fault and you should not look for something wrong within yourself.
We started planning the wedding and this put even more stress on her. Stress = even lower sex drive. I helped best I could and would sit with her for hours over weekends helping with wedding things. I tried to take as much as I possibly can to relieve pressure from her. It didn't help. She remained freaked and stressed about everything. Anyway, in April this year we tied the knot, no sex on our wedding night. Left for honeymoon 2 weeks later ( no sex in between the wedding and up till we left for the honeymoon ) and we had sex on the night before we left. Get this, the reason we had sex was because "we cannot not have sex on our honeymoon", her own words. I actually left the chalet when she said that and went for a walk on the beach to cool down. I got back, made up and we had sex for the first time in about 4 months.
I took her away for the weekend recently where we actually did have sex, once. This was the first time in 5 months after our honeymoon sex. The last time we had sex was about a month ago, she was tipsy from a night out at a friends birthday party.
Sex to me is about intimacy and to connect with your lover/spouse/partner in a way that only 2 people can when making love. I've tried explaining this to her, it's not because of lust that I want sex from her, it's the intimacy I yearn and having sex for the sake of having sex is great from time to time, it's fun and you can explore new ways to make each other feel good. Important part, make EACH OTHER feel GOOD.
She was on BC but I talked her to come off it for a while to see how things went. We both read that it puts a damper on sex drive. It did not help. She was diagnosed with depression about 2 months ago and is on anti depressants and seeing a psychologist. Again, I did some reading that anti deps have an affect on sex drive and there has been no change in our sex life since she has been seeing the doc. I understand that sex is the last thing she thinks about while feeling like she is now. Bit everytime I do mention sex, the topic gets changed or just ignored. I've stopped initiating sex, I only get turned down and it starts to hurt after getting turned down everytime. So the ball is in her court essentially and it is travelling very slowly...
I feel very bitter towards her and it shows. I decided about 3 weeks ago, after we had the sex talk again, that I will step back from being myself and see what happens. I've stopped talking to her, in a sense I mean. I will never ignore her. I mean I don't communicate with her anymore, I will ask about her day and talk about what is necessary at the time but I wont go look to make conversation. I've stopped helping around the house with chores etc. I've stopped the cooking part as well. I used to be a chef so i did most of the cooking anyway. I never minded the cooking, it was my relax time after work. I've stopped going out with her be it to the shops for groceries or walk the dog. I make up excuses why I don't want to go watch a movie or go out for dinner. Basically I've stopped doing all the small things that counts. Look, I'm not looking for sex as a reward by doing these things. I just think she has gotten so used to the things I do for her she does not notice it anymore.
I am at the end of my tether and patience is running dry. I love her dearly and respect the fact that her needs are not the same as mine but I also have needs!
Sorry if this post is jumbled and hard to make sense of. I wrote it at a whim and with a bit of anger/frustration.
Thanks for reading...