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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I wish I knew where to start, I am 45 years old and just admitted to being sexually abused from the age of 10 until 24 by a close family friend that lived next door then became my "guardian" after my parents divorced. My mother became an extreme alcoholic around the time we met our neighbor, I was 10. My parents were happily married and I had the "perfect" childhood. I am an only child and the only extended family i have were my Ps and Grand parents ( maternal). By the time I was 14 my Ps got divorced, my mom's drinking was the reason they split, may dad loved her until the day she passed (9 years ago). The whole time I was going through this my wealthy next door neighbor became a close friend to the family and bought me lots of things, he was single and had just moved back to the US from Europe. My parents had no clue that every time I was at his place I was in a sexual relationship with him.
I wanted to have some background to my story...fast forward to this past december, I was talking with a friend and she mentioned one of her clients was being convicted of abusing his daughter, that was the trigger...didn't even know there was ever going to be an issue with my past. I have been BF with my male (married) next door neighbor, our families are (were) friends and spend most of the summers outside together. After the trigger I do not know why, but I needed to tell someone of my past, I chose my NDN, I told him on the phone, he was able to talk me through a lot, he was the only person I told. Within a few weeks of disclosing this to him, I do not know wy, but I allowed (even encouraged) our relationship to become physical. It was more of a sense of ultimate closeness and intimacy, maybe appreciation for allowing me to tell him. We did get together a couple of times, sexually, but more often it was just meeting up in the car and talking and being held.
My behavior changed and my husband noticed, instead of confronting me, he began to video tape while I was emailing my NDN, he did this for weeks and reviewed all of the emails and saw a lot of love between us, and a place I found very safe.
He confronted me after he had plenty of evidence. A week after he confronted me I became suicidal and began cutting , my H asked me why I am this way, then he asked the million dollar question..were you sexually aboused as a child, I lost it. No one was ever supposed to know.
Now, I just feel the need for the friendship with the NDN, and I do not need the sexual part of the relationship, I want to keep the only person I have ever trusted to tell (without being cornered) to still be here for me...I just want to know if anyone else has ever been in this situation...I do not want to lose either one of them, but my H says if I do not cut all contact with the NDN, we will be done. I know for him to trust must be impossible, but with all of the hell that I have just unleashed on myself for admitting the CSA, I feel a loss of either one of them will definitely send me to a early end. If you ask straight forward questions, I will be happy to reply.
Also my husband and I have been living in 2 different worlds for years and I cannot say our marriage has been happy for the past 5 years or so.
 

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I'm sorry that happened to you and that you are in so much pain.

That said, as bad as what happened to you was, I don't think it gives you the right to inflict pain on others.

Read these threads and do some research, being cheated on is one of the most painful things one can go through.

You told your husband you would forsake all others; you didn't, you cheated.

Now you are telling him he has to trust you not to cheat. In his mind, he is asking, "Why will this time be different?"

It's very painful to be cheated on. You chose to tell the neighbor about the CSA, not your husband, then you encouraged the neigbor to have sex with you.

Try to put yourself in your husband's position. What would you do?
 

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What about the neighbors wife? You don't seem all concern that you cheated with her husband.

Has your husband exposed to her yet? She has an absolute right to know her husband is a cheating piece of cr1p.

I find it odd that you are using your CSA as a reason you are feeling suicidal etc, snd a triggering, yet you don't seem to see that NDN is essentially doing the same thing. He's using your situation to have sex with you.

Perhaps what you really just have here s a good old fashion affair where you want to cheat with slime ball NDN
 

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Can't Run...

Let me be candid. Some people are happy and they live in a life and a world where happiness surrounds them. Some people are sad and bitter and they live in a cold angry world. Both of these people live in the same world. You and your husband do not live in different worlds. You need to communicate.

I understand your trigger. I have been involved with a woman who was sexually abused as a child. She has triggers and I have seen her go off.

The fact that your husband and your marriage may not be the best right now does NOT mean that he doesn't love you. You hid everything from him, you cheated on him. You didn't trust him and you had sex with your neighbor. Those were your choices. They were bad. All of them were bad.

Your NDN is a TURD! He is having sex with a married woman! Your need for him is based on childhood trauma. You deserve to be happy not to go back to the hell you suffered through as a child. You are hurting yourself physically and emotionally. The neighbor is not your friend. Nothing good will come from this. Get help, professional help and let your husband be your husband! Get away from your neighbor. That is a path to your destructionn.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
I absolutely agree that our communication has be non existent for years, he had lost his job a few years back and progressively withdrew and stayed in bed for 2 years when he was not out doing side jobs. I do work full time and have been very involved in our son's sporting teams for years. There was no response when i tried to involve him in our family life. We do not have insurance, so any medical help was/is not an affordable option.

I DO know he loves me and I love him (he also knows this to be true) we have had more communication since the incident than we have in years. I completely admit that I hid information from him, but I never wanted him to know, there is a weird stigma with CSA admission...especially when the abuser was close to all of us, my Husband and I lived with him before we bought our first house and the abuse was continuing during that time.
The cutting the NDN contact seems like my heart is being ripped out also, I do NOT want to continue the physical part of the relationship, but do not want to lose the friendship either....I know this sounds absolutely effin nuts, but this is the truth... something that I am learning to tell.
 

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You are having an affair and you are in the affair fog. That's why you want to be with the OM, and we both know it won't be just talking with him.

You don't seem to have any worries about the deep hurt your husband is feeling from both your cheating and from your choosing not to turn to him.
 

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What about the neighbors wife? You don't seem all concern that you cheated with her husband.

Has your husband exposed to her yet? She has an absolute right to know her husband is a cheating piece of cr1p.

I find it odd that you are using your CSA as a reason you are feeling suicidal etc, snd a triggering, yet you don't seem to see that NDN is essentially doing the same thing. He's using your situation to have sex with you.

Perhaps what you really just have here s a good old fashion affair where you want to cheat with slime ball NDN
:iagree: Your NDN has just used the most vulnerable secret in your life as a doorway to using you. He is most definitely not "friend" material now that he has done this with you. No suicidal person in the world could convince me that this is justified. Nothing you're doing is justified.

You need to start communicating to your H. But first...MOVE OUT OF YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD.....or maybe once your H tells the NDN's wife what's happened, she'll make NDN move first!

You're life has just done a 180
 
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Does your husband know about your activities when the two of you were living with your abuser? Honestly, if I were in your husband's shoes it would be hard to believe that you doing that while married was abuse. I would want to give you the benefit of the doubt, but it's a hard pill to swallow. I mean, you were 24, married and having sex with another man under the same roof as your husband, but it was abuse?
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Does your husband know about your activities when the two of you were living with your abuser? Honestly, if I were in your husband's shoes it would be hard to believe that you doing that while married was abuse. I would want to give you the benefit of the doubt, but it's a hard pill to swallow. I mean, you were 24, married and having sex with another man under the same roof as your husband, but it was abuse?
Yes, he does know...I told him...we were not yet married, we built a house together first. As far as your insinuating it was not abuse...I am guessing you are not aware of survivor mode as well as "Stockholm Syndrome" especially with CSA that begins at a very young age.

Abuse can frequently become what is an accepted way of life....and it is a very hard pill to swallow
 

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CRA,
You found a safe place in your NDN. You had an emotional affair and then a physical affair with him.

He had an emotional affair and then a physical affair with you.

He was an opposite sex BF.

For a man an OSBF is a staging area for a future physical affair. Sometimes intentional sometimes sub-intentional. For a man the is always an element of excitement to being a friends with a woman to whom he is attracted.

That he would risk his marriage, your marriage, and your mental health to escalate a friendship to a physical affair, is as close to sexual abuse as an adult male can get.

And you both want to continue the emotional affair?

I would say that this is taking the Stockholm Syndrome on the road.

I know he was so overwhelmed with the depth of sharing and connection between the two of you that he could not resist having sex with you. So be it. But then you have gravitated to a man as weak and damaged as yourself.

Also how can you hide your deepest needs from you husband for all these years and then blame him for the absence of a connection.

What is the one thing that has to be there for two people to have a connection, they have to be emotionally available to each other.

This results in that mutual self disclosure that makes us feel understood and valued.

But the largest parts of your needs have been walled off from him (and you) for years, even now you resent that he "cornered" you to tell him, and you hold it against him.

When he married you it was with the understanding that of all the people in the world, you two would bond together for mutual self support. You NEVER delivered on that promise! Don't give up, fulfill it.

You NDN is an emotional crutch! His presence in you life is and insult to you marriage and is the most disrespectful thing you could do to your husband.

Damaged people damage those closest to them.

It is your shame and humiliation that have interfered in your relationship.

Neither of which you have to feel. Make overcoming them your first goal.
Get support, then be as open as possible with others about what you have been through until you become a resource to others who have been through this to. That is the path of healing.

When a person can discuss this without shame and humiliation for the good of others then they have come full circle in their recovery and healing. Start with small steps, be patient with yourself but keep moving forward.

Forsake the emotional affair with NDN, pursue healing and oneness with your husband. Its to bad that you had to damage him with an affair to bring you two together.

Its time for you to decide what kind of person you want to be.

What that man did to you when you were 10 was evil, it was not your fault. You have dealt with it the best you could but not the best way. Its time to do it differently!

Meet your needs in an honorable way and show the same interest in the needs of your husband and marriage.

I wish you well,
Take care!
 

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The cutting the NDN contact seems like my heart is being ripped out also, I do NOT want to continue the physical part of the relationship, but do not want to lose the friendship either....I know this sounds absolutely effin nuts, but this is the truth... something that I am learning to tell.
If that is the way you feel and you do not or cannot let go of this OM, then do the right thing and leave your husband. It may hurt you like hell, but otherwise you continue to treat him like a POS, and no matter how much you say that you love him, the reality is that that is how you are treating him.
 

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Yes, he does know...I told him...we were not yet married, we built a house together first. As far as your insinuating it was not abuse...I am guessing you are not aware of survivor mode as well as "Stockholm Syndrome" especially with CSA that begins at a very young age.

Abuse can frequently become what is an accepted way of life....and it is a very hard pill to swallow
I'm sorry, but your story is a hard pill to swallow. And I am very aware of stockholm syndrome. I happen to have a degree in psychology. I'm very sorry what happened to you when you were only 10 (and frankly, that guy should be in jail), but you are not a child anymore. At some point you have to take responsibility for your own actions. After you were 16-18, you were no longer a child, you were an adult. And now you are 45 years old for crying out loud, and STILL trying to pretend you are not responsible for anything you do? Instead of "survivor mode" and "stockholm syndrome", why don't you look up another concept known as "externalizing". It means that you are blaming everything happening to you on something other than yourself. You want to pretend that nothing that happens is your fault because it's all outside your control. That is nonsense.

You are cheating on your husband, and what happened to you as a child is no excuse for that.

You should have sought out a professional counselor, not your next door neighbor, and you certainly should not have had sex with him.

Break it off with the NDN, seek real therapy with both you and your husband involved, and maybe, just MAYBE you can salvage your marriage and your life.
 

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I wish I knew where to start, I am 45 years old and just admitted to being sexually abused from the age of 10 until 24 by a close family friend that lived next door then became my "guardian" after my parents divorced.

Now, I just feel the need for the friendship with the NDN,
Good plan. Get inside so you can help the other children he is abusing. He will go to jail for a long time with your help. Good job.

Wait. I just read your post again. You are married and want to start a physical relationship with a known child abuser?

I really hope your husband has the balls to force you to get the help you need. You are a mess. Get away from your "friend". NOW. You do understand that the only thing he wants from you is sex, right? You're good with that? After what you've been through?

Get help. NOW.
 

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Good plan. Get inside so you can help the other children he is abusing. He will go to jail for a long time with your help. Good job.

Wait. I just read your post again. You are married and want to start a physical relationship with a known child abuser?

The OP was not entirely clear and you have to read it carefully, but I don't think the current neighbor that she is having the affair with is the same one that abused her when she was growing up.

If they are one and the same person, that is 100 times worse, and if I were the husband, there's not much that would keep me from going next door and causing him physical harm.
 

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I think they lived with the child abuser until she was 24 during which time she was cheating on her current husband until they moved out.

Then recently something triggered her depression and she decided to cheat on her husband again with another (new?) neighbor... And now she is playing the "pity-me" game and wants her husband to just accept that she cheated AND accept that she is going to remain friends with the other man...

I'm quite sure my thoughts about her would get me in trouble here so I will offer only the advice of "you need to be single"... You are no longer marriage material and no matter what others put you through in the past your husband and family do NOT deserve your wrath now.

You cannot have both men and will likely end up with neither.
 

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I like how you fed us two enormous paragraphs of validation and self-pity before finally telling us what you've actually done.
 
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