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Discussion Starter #1
My wife of 22 years (we're now in our early 40s) starting kick-boxing about a year ago and she has now switched to jui jitsu. I have sensed that she was unhappy with the way things were for her. We just moved cross country for my job, our 3 kids are in elementary school and need less care, and she had little social interaction because her job is via the Internet out of the house. I more or less supported her with jui jitsu even though I have reservations about my wife rolling around the floor and wrestling with almost exclusively male opponents. Jui jitsu practice is in the evening 3 times a week. So soon after returning from work at about 5, she is leaving at 6 to go train. I'm left home with our 3 kids for dinner, and she doesn't return until 8-8:30 when they are either already in bed or about to be in bed.

Lately, she's been getting home even later because they all go out for beers and stuff afterwards. After making comments about her leaving so much, asking her to cut back, and just being mad I told her it had to stop. She told me how important jui jitsu is to her life. She also basically said that doing it is more important to her than me or the family. The following week, she again went 3 nights in a row knowing how much it hurt me.

I have a very strong suspicion that she is having an emotional affair. I am also sure that nothing physical has yet occurred.

One night after she returned I asked her two questions: 1. do you love me? and 2. is there another man? We had an emotional, gut-wrenching talk for the next hour or two. She answered yes to the first question and no to the second. She said that she doesn't love me as much as when we were first married, and that she has been unhappy for some time. Yes, she prefers being with others than with me. She was definitely in emotion pain. She said that she comes home to me every night and that counts for something. She just needs time.

For the next 3 days I couldn’t sleep. She continues with jui jitsu. She does come home, we sleep together and have sex, and we are intimate together. Yet, this is killing me. I'm not sure if she's still committed or just going through the motions of marriage after 22 years.

Finally after 3 days of no sleep, I told her three things: First, I’m not going to start any more relationship discussions with her. If she wants to talk, I’ll listen. Second, for her to tell me if there is anything about me or our relationship that makes her unhappy, and maybe I can change it. Third, I asked her not to do anything that will lead to any regrets.

I then told her that I was going out this week, and it was not about me being spiteful, but that I needed to clear my head. She acquiesced, but then arranged for a babysitter so that she can go out too.

Me, I’m just going to go to the movies that night alone. Then on the weekend I am doing something with some buddies all day.

This is killing me because on the one hand, she says she does love me, if not as much, but then knowingly with her actions she continues to hurt me.

I’m not sure what to do, whether I was too weak, or what. All my time is consumed by thinking about this, going through her phone, email, etc. to uncover and understand the EA she is having. Being this distraught is causing me physical pain – headaches, not sleeping, and crying at almost any time.
 

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As a grappler, we have several women who train at our Judo center, recently the Cuban women's national Judo team came to train with us... Co-Ed style, we grab each other, we throw each other, and we body slam each other into the mat. We pin each other, we choke each other, and we put each other in joint locks, men and women. We all prioritize family, number one.

Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, which is what your wife is doing, has nothing to do with what's happening to you and her.

Don't put up with it.
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"Yes, she prefers being with others than with me. She was definitely in emotion pain. She said that she comes home to me every night and that counts for something. She just needs time."

SHE was in emotional pain? Crocodile tears, man. Sorry, she wants nothing more than to be away from you as much as possible. She was sorry that she had to have that conversation with you, because it shined a light on how horribly she is treating her family and she doesn't want that brought to light.
 

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Wait, what, woah, hold the horses.

So instead of being with your kids, she got a babysitter and is leaving to go out and have her fun alone also?????

Did I miss something here, I don't know of many mothers who would do that, my wife would kill me if I made her go out and have fun without our kids. Sometime alone is good but it seems your wife no longer wants the baggage of husband/kids anymore.

But that's just my observation from your post.

BTW, there are alot of red flags going up right now.
 

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NS,

Time to figure out what is going on if you want to stay ahead of the issue.

If you are concerned about a possible EA, INVESTIGATE quietly.

Go on line and look at her cell phone usage. Are there alot of texts/calls to 1 or 2 numbers you don't recognize? Are the texts made/rec'd when you're not around or maybe after you leave for work or late at night?

Get a key logger on her PC

Buy a voice activated recorder and place it under the front seat of her car with heavy duty velcro. have a second VAR so you can switch the units out.

DO NOT accuse her of anything. Get hard proof. also accept the fact that there may be nothing at all going on and she's just done.

She's losing respect for you. Get yourself in better shape. Join and Gym and start going the nights she's at home.
 

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Please dont take this the wrong way, but it's one thing for a spouse to neglect another spouse if they're not happy etc. etc. (insert one of a million excuses used)

It's another to NEGLECT your children.

3 times per week...She's ABSENT. PERIOD. She barely sees her kids (and they're young) 3 times per week. Sorry but your kids are suffering and will have long term issues over this if it continues.

It's time to have a family talk. She wants to do Jiu Jitsu? Do it as a family on the weekends. Your kids will benefit and it can become a bonding experience for your whole family. This isn't about Jiu Jitsu, it's about escapism.

Tell your wife to decide. She can be single with limited visitation (like she's being now) or she can be a MARRIED...MOTHER of 3 children.

I can't stand people who call themselves adults and PUNISH their kids because they aren't mature enough to actually raise children.
 

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You've been together 22 years and she's early 40s? She was with the kids 24/7 for years and now they're in school? My wife is in her 40s. She gets into something new and goes overboard with it. She can't read a book. She's got to read 400 and spend 12 hours a day doing it. She can't crochet a scarf. She has to make dozens. You get the idea. A 40 year old married woman doesn't normally feel exactly like a 20 year old newlywed. You've really got no evidence of an affair. She's stayed with you 22 years and that ought to be evidence of a great deal of loyalty. Maybe she's just going through a little pre-menopausal strangeness or acting strange cause the kids are older and she can. Maybe it's some mid-life crisis stuff. After 22 years of faithful marriage and motherhood, a person would almost have to go a little crazy. If you've been married 22 years and your kids are just in grade school, she must have been in her 30s when she became a mom. What did she do before she was a mother? Was she a stay-at-home mom? For how many years? New town? She's probably dying for some adult human interaction. Has she made any close female friends? You know how women need these close associations.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
my wife is definitely having a midlife crisis. The jiu jitsu is just one of the symptoms. In itsself, I do not have a problem with it. The problem is the staying late (8:30 - 9:30 sometimes) and the time away from the family.

To Dad&Hubby, yes I see this as a problem too. My conumdrum is how do I be firm but not push her out of the marriage?

Also, I just found out she cancelled the babysitter and will stay home -- hopefully a good sign.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
unbelievable hit it on the head. She goes overboard too. I always ran 1-3 miles a couple of times a week. She starts running and she has to do a marathon. She's worked full-time until our first kid after 10 years of marriage. Then she stayed home awhile and returned to work part-time. When we moved she continued working for them P/T via the Internet. Now she started a new F/T job.
 

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When mine got the fog, she emotionally detached, started lunching with a younger guy, started exercising like never before, got braces on her perfectly fine teeth, looked into a boob job. Braces and Boob job were as unknown to me as the young stud until I found out.

Suddenly I was hearing the D word. Followed by 4 months of separation.

Took many months of MC and patience before the fog lifted.
 

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This does not seem normal to me. I have been married for a long time, and I have been bored before too, but I would never turn my back on my husband. If he told me that I was doing something that upset him I would stop. She does not respect you or your feelings. I believe that family comes first, then hobbies.
 

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Sounds like your wife is looking for more independence and for something new and exciting.

Nothing wrong with that, but as a wife I'd definitely expect my husband to have something to say about late nights out. If you don't want to risk pushing her away, you might go about it in a slightly more indirect way also. You could make plans for the two of you to go out for a night or weekend. Do something you don't normally do. And go all out. Drag her out of the house if you have to. Say "We are going, I don't care what you say".

Respect what she's looking for. And don't be afraid to be at times demanding about what you want too. She'll appreciate this, as long as you're both consistently doing your part. Obviously there are ways to compromise on the jui jitsu classes. She doesn't go as often, or she skips the drinks afterwards. She may not feel compelled to cut back at this point though unless you make a strong move to get her attention.

Just going on impressions. Hope it works out.
 

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Discussion Starter #15
40's is the perfect and most common age for the MLC. Reading between the lines it sounded like you got a soft ILYBNILWY message. EA?

What do you know about the people she is spending time with?
Yes you're right about the ILYBNILWY, which I never heard of before until today.

She spends time with one women who is 31 to my wife's 41. This friend is unmarried and behaves more like a 21 year old.

The men in jui jitsu I do not know. One is an unmarried doctor, a few are in their late 20's, -- just a wide variety.
 

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My wife does JJJ, wishes I do it with her. JJJ is not exclusive ground fighting however, but she brought up a few moves with me which was rather hot as we wrestle regularly. Too bad for her I'm already an experienced grappler :p

I was worried for a while though, her doing it alone. I don't want to do it because I will NOT kneel. Culture shock. I was also worried she may physically overpower me because JJJ teaches how to use one's strength and momentum against them (the art was born from the need of fighting armored opponents). It's very effective techniques and personally in a street fight I would rather not fight a JJJ opponent if I had a choice.

Nah, prefer boxers and kickboxers or tae kwon do or kung fu opponents if I want to fight hehe :p Muay thai though I'm a bit wary cause they use elbows and knees like me - and they do fking serious damage unlike untrained punches and kicks.

Still, I'm learning JJJ from her :p
Anyways I agree with interlocutor -> I don't think your problem is with Jujitsu itself. Seems it's something much deeper =/
 

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JJJ, the idea of striking being ineffective against armored opponents, lives on in Judo (the evolution of JJJ and consolidation of its several styles), which is simply JJJ made into a combat sport, so real JJJ definitely includes ground grappling in its curriculum. All of the ground grappling in Judo and BJJ come from JJJ fyi... Maybe her training center neglects that portion.

The "Ju" in Ju Jutsu (gentle art) and Ju do (gentle way) means "gentle," the idea of softness (grappling/using leverage and momentum instead of strength, basic principle of Wrestling and Judo both) instead of hardness (striking, punching and stuff)... In feudal Japan, there were entire schools of JJJ devoted ONLY to ground grappling...

Nothing is more awkward than having to choke women out if you're a man or have women put you in leg triangle chokes... Sometimes pinning women can be awkward and vice versa... Damn... OP might be in Some trouble after all! Ha jk
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I know JJJ has ground fighting in it, but it's not exclusive. Hence my worry actually for a time because ground fighting is a weakness of mine. In my youth with all the street fights when you're on the ground you're pretty much fked as often you will be outnumbered and even with your crew at your back it is always possible to be locally outnumbered. So I focused on being on my feet at all times.

As for worring about JJJ with her and other men - come on if I'm in leg triangle choke the last thing I'm thinking about is her sexy legs... then again... hehe
:rofl:
 

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I counldn't deal with my wife having some guy in her guard. Sorry that's the way I feel. If she wanted to learn bjj she'd have to practice with me.
 
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Yes you're right about the ILYBNILWY, which I never heard of before until today.

She spends time with one women who is 31 to my wife's 41. This friend is unmarried and behaves more like a 21 year old.

The men in jui jitsu I do not know. One is an unmarried doctor, a few are in their late 20's, -- just a wide variety.
Let's start a new game: Count the number of red flags per word in a post. This one, for example. So many red flags, so few words.
 
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