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My wife of 22 years (we're now in our early 40s) starting kick-boxing about a year ago and she has now switched to jui jitsu. I have sensed that she was unhappy with the way things were for her. We just moved cross country for my job, our 3 kids are in elementary school and need less care, and she had little social interaction because her job is via the Internet out of the house. I more or less supported her with jui jitsu even though I have reservations about my wife rolling around the floor and wrestling with almost exclusively male opponents. Jui jitsu practice is in the evening 3 times a week. So soon after returning from work at about 5, she is leaving at 6 to go train. I'm left home with our 3 kids for dinner, and she doesn't return until 8-8:30 when they are either already in bed or about to be in bed.
Lately, she's been getting home even later because they all go out for beers and stuff afterwards. After making comments about her leaving so much, asking her to cut back, and just being mad I told her it had to stop. She told me how important jui jitsu is to her life. She also basically said that doing it is more important to her than me or the family. The following week, she again went 3 nights in a row knowing how much it hurt me.
I have a very strong suspicion that she is having an emotional affair. I am also sure that nothing physical has yet occurred.
One night after she returned I asked her two questions: 1. do you love me? and 2. is there another man? We had an emotional, gut-wrenching talk for the next hour or two. She answered yes to the first question and no to the second. She said that she doesn't love me as much as when we were first married, and that she has been unhappy for some time. Yes, she prefers being with others than with me. She was definitely in emotion pain. She said that she comes home to me every night and that counts for something. She just needs time.
For the next 3 days I couldn’t sleep. She continues with jui jitsu. She does come home, we sleep together and have sex, and we are intimate together. Yet, this is killing me. I'm not sure if she's still committed or just going through the motions of marriage after 22 years.
Finally after 3 days of no sleep, I told her three things: First, I’m not going to start any more relationship discussions with her. If she wants to talk, I’ll listen. Second, for her to tell me if there is anything about me or our relationship that makes her unhappy, and maybe I can change it. Third, I asked her not to do anything that will lead to any regrets.
I then told her that I was going out this week, and it was not about me being spiteful, but that I needed to clear my head. She acquiesced, but then arranged for a babysitter so that she can go out too.
Me, I’m just going to go to the movies that night alone. Then on the weekend I am doing something with some buddies all day.
This is killing me because on the one hand, she says she does love me, if not as much, but then knowingly with her actions she continues to hurt me.
I’m not sure what to do, whether I was too weak, or what. All my time is consumed by thinking about this, going through her phone, email, etc. to uncover and understand the EA she is having. Being this distraught is causing me physical pain – headaches, not sleeping, and crying at almost any time.
Lately, she's been getting home even later because they all go out for beers and stuff afterwards. After making comments about her leaving so much, asking her to cut back, and just being mad I told her it had to stop. She told me how important jui jitsu is to her life. She also basically said that doing it is more important to her than me or the family. The following week, she again went 3 nights in a row knowing how much it hurt me.
I have a very strong suspicion that she is having an emotional affair. I am also sure that nothing physical has yet occurred.
One night after she returned I asked her two questions: 1. do you love me? and 2. is there another man? We had an emotional, gut-wrenching talk for the next hour or two. She answered yes to the first question and no to the second. She said that she doesn't love me as much as when we were first married, and that she has been unhappy for some time. Yes, she prefers being with others than with me. She was definitely in emotion pain. She said that she comes home to me every night and that counts for something. She just needs time.
For the next 3 days I couldn’t sleep. She continues with jui jitsu. She does come home, we sleep together and have sex, and we are intimate together. Yet, this is killing me. I'm not sure if she's still committed or just going through the motions of marriage after 22 years.
Finally after 3 days of no sleep, I told her three things: First, I’m not going to start any more relationship discussions with her. If she wants to talk, I’ll listen. Second, for her to tell me if there is anything about me or our relationship that makes her unhappy, and maybe I can change it. Third, I asked her not to do anything that will lead to any regrets.
I then told her that I was going out this week, and it was not about me being spiteful, but that I needed to clear my head. She acquiesced, but then arranged for a babysitter so that she can go out too.
Me, I’m just going to go to the movies that night alone. Then on the weekend I am doing something with some buddies all day.
This is killing me because on the one hand, she says she does love me, if not as much, but then knowingly with her actions she continues to hurt me.
I’m not sure what to do, whether I was too weak, or what. All my time is consumed by thinking about this, going through her phone, email, etc. to uncover and understand the EA she is having. Being this distraught is causing me physical pain – headaches, not sleeping, and crying at almost any time.
