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Discussion Starter · #62 ·
So now he is being emotional and OMG concerned about what others think about him and his wife. He needs to get his priorities straight. Your spouse comes 1st before buddies. You treat my wife with disrespect, we are gonna have issues. Wife and I are one, you do something to my wife...you are doing it to me.
I didn't want to argue with his friend who offended me, so I left the chat. Apparently, it would have been better in my husbands eyes to tell him to f off but then I don't want to be like that.
 

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Was he having a bad day? Or is he just naturally an ass? Maybe his wife was not in the mood last night and he was frustrated at her, and you being her bestie...don't know. Does he have a female supv. at work...maybe he got his butt chewed and he was angry and irritated by the female boss and he lashed out at you?

There were always parolees at work that had issue with taking direction/instruction from my women officers. Sometimes I had to dress the guys down, as the office supervisor or if I knew it was a serious issue, they were moved to male officer.

Only you know this guys personality. Did you and his wife discuss it...wonder why he was acting an ass?
 

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Discussion Starter · #66 ·
Was he having a bad day? Or is he just naturally an ass? Maybe his wife was not in the mood last night and he was frustrated at her, and you being her bestie...don't know. Does he have a female supv. at work...maybe he got his butt chewed and he was angry and irritated by the female boss and he lashed out at you?

There were always parolees at work that had issue with taking direction/instruction from my women officers. Sometimes I had to dress the guys down, as the office supervisor or if I knew it was a serious issue, they were moved to male officer.

Only you know this guys personality. Did you and his wife discuss it...wonder why he was acting an ass?
Yes, I texted the wife after my husband got done yelling at me and said that I was getting yelled at for leaving the chat and that my feelings were hurt but said I left because I didn't want to fight back or say anything stupid. This is where I'm kind of thinking the friend got mad because he doesn't like to hear that his bestie isn't the kindest to his wife at times and then they start fighting. Which is why I said to her DO NOT TELL HIM. I should have just kept my mouth shut. I should have just left it alone which is what I was trying to do by leaving the chat. Hense my reasoning for saying that this is all my fault. I didn't find out that any of this other crap happened until last night, when my husband decided that it was time to scold me. This whole thing is stupid.
 

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I didn't want to argue with his friend who offended me, so I left the chat. Apparently, it would have been better in my husbands eyes to tell him to f off but then I don't want to be like that.
Why get down in the mud with them? That's the whole problem.
 

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Discussion Starter · #69 ·
Your husband decided to scold you. Over this. How old is he again? Does he ever say "Bro's before ho's"?
Yes. I guess I've never thought about that because most of the time I just take it as he's joking. We did talk for a long time last night though. The scolding wasn't forever. He's upset that we are in this situation. He's afraid that he's going to lose his friends for standing by his wife. He said that I'm not in the wrong and that he sees where I'm coming from. I keep telling him to just let it blow over.
 

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I've been with men in very close stressful living conditions as well as relaxed social. This was not your typical guy banter. And if it was truly just a misplaced joke - the simple solution was an apology. Instead he doubled down and convicted himself of being a bully.

I'm sorry you live in such a toxic social circle. Bullying you ...observing your pain ... and then calling it a 'joke' (rather than a simple sorry) is classic toxic behavior. You can't change your GF's husband - but you need to distance yourself from this guy.

Every time you're near a toxic person they steal a piece of you. And your husband (an alcoholic) needs to find less toxic friends. IMO most men respect other men who stand up for their wife (right or wrong they admire loyalty).
 

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Discussion Starter · #71 ·
I've been with men in very close stressful living conditions as well as relaxed social. This was not your typical guy banter. And if it was truly just a misplaced joke - the simple solution was an apology. Instead he doubled down and convicted himself of being a bully.

I'm sorry you live in such a toxic social circle. Bullying you ...observing your pain ... and then calling it a 'joke' (rather than a simple sorry) is classic toxic behavior. You can't change your GF's husband - but you need to distance yourself from this guy.

Every time you're near a toxic person they steal a piece of you. And your husband (an alcoholic) needs to find less toxic friends. IMO most men respect other men who stand up for their wife (right or wrong they admire loyalty).
I know these men quite well and they aren't bad guys. They're all just a bunch of misplaced misfits that have found a home with each other. I don't want my husband to be upset with his friend. He believes that he was joking and I am standing my ground and telling him no - that the friend meant what he said because he didn't want to do what I simply asked which was to put all ideas in to text so that I can keep up with things. Husband said that if that's the case, they are done. I don't want that. I told him from the getgo that I just needed space and room to breath. That was it. In the husband's eyes, I started the banter when I called them all ladies that morning. I said 'good morning ladies, let's get this ball rolling'. So that makes it ok for him to 'jokingly' flip me off. It wasn't even that he flipped me off. It was the look at his face when he did it.
 

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Alright men - I'm willing to listen. Yesterday, my husband's friend decided to flip me off and basically just say **** you to me because of something really stupid and it hurt my feelings. This was in a group chat. I asked him to send texts instead of videos. He responded with a few videos saying no and then sent one of him flipping me off and the look on his face was not nice. So I got upset and left the chat. My husband sees that about a half hour later (I just didn't respond - we are both at work and I didn't want to be upset so I just left the chat) and texts me asking me why I left. I told him that his friend hurt my feelings. He told me that I shouldn't take it serious and then started scolding me because I left the chat. Then the friend apparently got in to a fight with his wife over it and now they are fighting (I'm going to assume that she stuck up for me?) but so now him and my husband aren't friends - husband is mad at me because I 'created' this and I said nothing but just left the chat. I'm lost.
Based on most of the answers after this post, also on what you've said...you are absolutely in the right for your decision. The whole argument is immature all the way around. Butt hurt little boys. It was just freaking chat, not a life changing event. Get over it guys and you stick to your guns, cross your legs till the hubby pulls his own head outa his butt and comes to his collective senses!!
 

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There were always parolees at work that had issue with taking direction/instruction from my women officers. Sometimes I had to dress the guys down, as the office supervisor or if I knew it was a serious issue, they were moved to male officer.
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Yeah, I've seen that professionally as well; some guys (there's a heavy overlap with ones I'd consider mediocre at their own jobs here) will get triggered by having to answer to or even just listen to information from a woman.

Earlier in my career, I remember hearing a story about an older male attorney who would NOT stop interrupting a female attorney representing the other side. On conference calls, as soon as he would hear her voice, he'd basically start talking and even rambling so she couldn't get a word in.

Other people involved noticed the dynamic, but it was an issue because the other side was her client and she could not very well avoid being on the calls, nor should she. The solution was for her to bring an even younger female attorney on the calls, who would "trigger" him, and then she could step in as "the voice of reason," and say her piece.

I remember thinking it was embarassing for him, since everyone on the call picked up on the dynamic, and it really undermined his credibility and professional reputation among those involved - even his own client, who made some comments indicating they were uncomfortable with him as well.

It was a good lesson for me to think about and reminder to never be an ass like that!

But it goes to show you that some guys have issues with women that just come out in these group settings, and it's not the woman's fault, and she (or the OP) should not blame herself for it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #74 ·
Based on most of the answers after this post, also on what you've said...you are absolutely in the right for your decision. The whole argument is immature all the way around. Butt hurt little boys. It was just freaking chat, not a life changing event. Get over it guys and you stick to your guns, cross your legs till the hubby pulls his own head outa his butt and comes to his collective senses!!
I don't want to be right - I just don't want us to lose our friends over this stupid crap. Thank you <3
 

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I don't want to be right - I just don't want us to lose our friends over this stupid crap. Thank you <3
Emotions are still raw here. Let it go for now, and see if people calm down and move on, or if they escalate things. If the latter, then you know they're not really friends, they're acquantances with emotional issues and you should avoid them for the time being (or forever).

Your husband should understand. If he doesn't, well... talk about it. Hopefully he doesn't take this to be a "slippery slope" where you try to gradually isolate him from his buddies.

Some friends are just not compatible with one's relationship. While one shouldn't have to cut contact with them completely, one may have to. You husband may need to learn that lesson still.

It's probably harder in your 20's and younger 30's when you're still around social groups with single people. It gets easier when you're older and people mature a bit more.
 

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Discussion Starter · #76 ·
Emotions are still raw here. Let it go for now, and see if people calm down and move on, or if they escalate things. If the latter, then you know they're not really friends, they're acquantances with emotional issues and you should avoid them for the time being (or forever).

Your husband should understand. If he doesn't, well... talk about it. Hopefully he doesn't take this to be a "slippery slope" where you try to gradually isolate him from his buddies.

Some friends are just not compatible with one's relationship. While one shouldn't have to cut contact with them completely, one may have to. You husband may need to learn that lesson still.

It's probably harder in your 20's and younger 30's when you're still around social groups with single people. It gets easier when you're older and people mature a bit more.
I am patiently waiting for that day. We did meet a very nice christian couple that lives two houses down from us and they seem to have their crap together pretty well.

I want to let it go and move on from it but he's still pretty upset over it. He's also sick. I think he has covid. I told him to just let it blow over which he should have done in the first place but now I think he's on damage control and doesn't want to admit that he caused the damage. He should have just told the guys that I was having a bad day instead of calling me and yelling at me for leaving the chat.
He's 35 and I'm told by not only him but everybody around that I am his first actual real relationship outside of the mother of his child which ended 10 years ago and they were together in their late teens, early 20s and from my understanding - it was a horrible relationship. He doesn't think that I'm trying to isolate him from his friends though. The only time that he brings that up is when I get mad at him for ditching plans that we already have and then going and doing something with them. Or telling me that he will be home at 7 for dinner and then not making it home until midnight.
 

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I am patiently waiting for that day. We did meet a very nice christian couple that lives two houses down from us and they seem to have their crap together pretty well.

I want to let it go and move on from it but he's still pretty upset over it. He's also sick. I think he has covid. I told him to just let it blow over which he should have done in the first place but now I think he's on damage control and doesn't want to admit that he caused the damage. He should have just told the guys that I was having a bad day instead of calling me and yelling at me for leaving the chat.
He's 35 and I'm told by not only him but everybody around that I am his first actual real relationship outside of the mother of his child which ended 10 years ago and they were together in their late teens, early 20s and from my understanding - it was a horrible relationship. He doesn't think that I'm trying to isolate him from his friends though. The only time that he brings that up is when I get mad at him for ditching plans that we already have and then going and doing something with them. Or telling me that he will be home at 7 for dinner and then not making it home until midnight.
I hate reading things like that, b/c I never did things like that in my marriage or my current r/s and I STILL get a lot of crap from my partners... some women just don't know what to appreciate in their man!

jeez.

Sounds like you need to have a talk with him about what you expect from the marriage, and put some guardrails around this behavior. I think it's probably okay once and a while to get rowdy with your buddies, but how often is he going out like that? Weekly or monthly are even probably too much for a married guy over 35 to be doing.

Do you go out with friends and stay out late like that? Would you? Sounds like he needs to learn to start to dial this back.
 

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Discussion Starter · #79 ·
I hate reading things like that, b/c I never did things like that in my marriage or my current r/s and I STILL get a lot of crap from my partners... some women just don't know what to appreciate in their man!

jeez.

Sounds like you need to have a talk with him about what you expect from the marriage, and put some guardrails around this behavior. I think it's probably okay once and a while to get rowdy with your buddies, but how often is he going out like that? Weekly or monthly are even probably too much for a married guy over 35 to be doing.

Do you go out with friends and stay out late like that? Would you? Sounds like he needs to learn to start to dial this back.
I do not. I work more than full time and deal with a lot of stresses so I would rather be at home. And if I do go somewhere, it's friends that I have had for 20 years or so and I hang out with the kids and I'm rarely out past 8. I told him this in the beginning, what I expected and it was fine because he didn't really have the friends that he has now. And he worked out of town a lot. Now he has these guys and he really has cut back on the time with them and he is trying to spend more time with me at home so I really can't complain in that department anymore. We will get there! I know this!
 

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I know these men quite well and they aren't bad guys. They're all just a bunch of misplaced misfits that have found a home with each other. I don't want my husband to be upset with his friend. He believes that he was joking and I am standing my ground and telling him no - that the friend meant what he said because he didn't want to do what I simply asked which was to put all ideas in to text so that I can keep up with things. Husband said that if that's the case, they are done. I don't want that. I told him from the getgo that I just needed space and room to breath. That was it. In the husband's eyes, I started the banter when I called them all ladies that morning. I said 'good morning ladies, let's get this ball rolling'. So that makes it ok for him to 'jokingly' flip me off. It wasn't even that he flipped me off. It was the look at his face when he did it.
That is not the same....if when you said what you did...he then said "Oh screw you" or something to that right after you spoke...that would be joking. But not what he did...he was being a total ass.
 
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