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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Alright men - I'm willing to listen. Yesterday, my husband's friend decided to flip me off and basically just say **** you to me because of something really stupid and it hurt my feelings. This was in a group chat. I asked him to send texts instead of videos. He responded with a few videos saying no and then sent one of him flipping me off and the look on his face was not nice. So I got upset and left the chat. My husband sees that about a half hour later (I just didn't respond - we are both at work and I didn't want to be upset so I just left the chat) and texts me asking me why I left. I told him that his friend hurt my feelings. He told me that I shouldn't take it serious and then started scolding me because I left the chat. Then the friend apparently got in to a fight with his wife over it and now they are fighting (I'm going to assume that she stuck up for me?) but so now him and my husband aren't friends - husband is mad at me because I 'created' this and I said nothing but just left the chat. I'm lost.
 

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Alright men - I'm willing to listen. Yesterday, my husband's friend decided to flip me off and basically just say **** you to me because of something really stupid and it hurt my feelings. This was in a group chat. I asked him to send texts instead of videos. He responded with a few videos saying no and then sent one of him flipping me off and the look on his face was not nice. So I got upset and left the chat. My husband sees that about a half hour later (I just didn't respond - we are both at work and I didn't want to be upset so I just left the chat) and texts me asking me why I left. I told him that his friend hurt my feelings. He told me that I shouldn't take it serious and then started scolding me because I left the chat. Then the friend apparently got in to a fight with his wife over it and now they are fighting (I'm going to assume that she stuck up for me?) but so now him and my husband aren't friends - husband is mad at me because I 'created' this and I said nothing but just left the chat. I'm lost.
is there some reason you needed to be in the chat? A chat of a bunch of people sending videos to each other and you asked for texts and he....flips you off?

Not saying he wasnt joking, but if you were at work I can see why you would leave the chat....
 

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I'm not a man, and I'm also not a 'buddy'.

Please feel the freedom to create and require any standard you like - as long as you mean it.

And, if it were me, I'd not explain myself. Or argue about it.

Just hold your head high, and go about your business. If the men in your life want to behave like little boys, then let them carry on without you. Just remove yourself.

Don't tolerate being treated disrespectfully.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
is there some reason you needed to be in the chat? A chat of a bunch of people sending videos to each other and you asked for texts and he....flips you off?

Not saying he wasnt joking, but if you were at work I can see why you would leave the chat....
I was absolutely at work. They started the chat because its easier to keep track of stuff. Him and his friends all communicate in these group chats so he started one with me in it to get this shirt thing going and they were all throwing in ideas but a few sent videos. I asked if they could keep it in text because I can't keep up with their 9million videos.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
I'm not a man, and I'm also not a 'buddy'.

Please feel the freedom to create and require any standard you like - as long as you mean it.

And, if it were me, I'd not explain myself. Or argue about it.

Just hold your head high, and go about your business. If the men in your life want to behave like little boys, then let them carry on without you. Just remove yourself.

Don't tolerate being treated disrespectfully.
They treat me like I'm their buddy which is fine. I can hang with them better than most of the guys do but at some point - the look on his face says he was mad because he didn't want to do it. That's where I felt disrespected and it hurt my feelings because at some point - I see this man as family. I didn't explain myself or try to argue or respond. I simply just left the chat and when my husband asked why, I said the guy hurt my feelings and that I needed time to breath. So then the husband starts a fight with me. Probably started a fight with his friend too from the sounds of it because now they aren't talking.
 

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Man here.
From your description of events, I think you are exactly right in your actions.

Example...my wife won't be around people who use the Lord's name in vain. It's a personal boundary that she communicates when someone gets close to it. For anyone who ignores that boundary...they are cut out of her life.

Some people think it's wrong to do that...but it doesn't matter what people think. Here is the boundary, don't break it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
here is the downside of being treated like one of the boys you get a response like if you are one of the boys, so i would just give it back and move on...they are acting like immature boys
That's what the husband said. To give it back. But then I give crap back and he gets mad at me for it. I can't win.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Man here.
From your description of events, I think you are exactly right in your actions.

Example...my wife won't be around people who use the Lord's name in vain. It's a personal boundary that she communicates when someone gets close to it. For anyone who ignores that boundary...they are cut out of her life.

Some people think it's wrong to do that...but it doesn't matter what people think. Here is the boundary, don't break it.
I hear that wholeheartedly.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Don't try to be who you aren't.
If that group isn't right for you then drop it.
I did. I left the chat. That's what started the whole thing. If he would have been laughing, it would have been one thing but the look on his face said something completely different. I love the guys and care about all of them and this one is more family than anything. He simply just doesn't get along with anybody that doesn't follow suite of him
 

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@BecauseSheWeeps

#1 YOU didn't create the buddy getting mad and flipping your off. YOU didn't create the fight the buddy and buddy's wife had. And YOU didn't create the fight that Buddy and Hubby had! ALL of that--every last bit of it--was created by the buddy and how he acted. You were at work and couldn't do videos...so you asked for them to send texts. Buddy "could have" said (via video) "There's too much that needs to be said that texting doesn't work" and been respectful about it, right? And you could have, right then and there, texted back that you can't watch videos due to work but that you'll bow out for now and watch them when you're home and off-duty. Then none of this would have happened!!

All of this is on the buddy, and the fact that your husband would try to blameshift all this onto you is troubling!

#2 When you are in a chat group with dudes, it is not only reasonable but likely that they will "give each other s-h-i-t" a little, and by that I mean that they might tease each other by saying "Hey I'm at work, send texts" "F U, Bud, I'm not typing all this!" "Shut your piehole, Bob!" and laugh about it. So it may not kill you to get a little thicker skinned and dish some right back at 'em...and yet that was not the spirt of this interaction. Bud was ANGRY at you and made an angry video, his wife got angry at him for being such a jerk, and then he got mad at your husband because of the fight he started with you and with his own wife! So mad-mad-mad!! That's not "joking"

Abusers will hurt those they abuse and then say it's a "joke". Let that sink in.
Abusers also blameshift their bad behavior onto others. Let that sink in too.
 

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@BecauseSheWeeps

#1 YOU didn't create the buddy getting mad and flipping your off. YOU didn't create the fight the buddy and buddy's wife had. And YOU didn't create the fight that Buddy and Hubby had! ALL of that--every last bit of it--was created by the buddy and how he acted. You were at work and couldn't do videos...so you asked for them to send texts. Buddy "could have" said (via video) "There's too much that needs to be said that texting doesn't work" and been respectful about it, right? And you could have, right then and there, texted back that you can't watch videos due to work but that you'll bow out for now and watch them when you're home and off-duty. Then none of this would have happened!!

All of this is on the buddy and the fact that your husband would try to blameshift all this onto you is troubling!

#2 When you are in a chat group with dudes, it is not only reasonable but likely that they will "give each other s-h-i-t" a little, and by that I mean that they might tease each other by saying "Hey I'm at work, send texts" "F U, Bud, I'm not typing all this!" "Shut your piehole, Bob!" and laugh about it. So it may not kill you to get a little thicker skinned and dish some right back at 'em...and yet that was not the spirt of this interaction. Bud was ANGRY at you and made an angry video, his wife got angry at him for being such a jerk, and then he got mad at your husband because of the fight he started with you and with his own wife! So mad-mad-mad!! That's not "joking"

Abusers will hurt those they abuse and then say it's a "joke". Let that sink in.
The other point I'll make about your #2 is that even among guy banter, everyone is not the same. It's perfectly normal to treat one person more harshly than another and women in a man group don't have to be treated the same as men, especially if she's not ok with it. It's not a rule.

Anyone with half a brain wouldn't be over-the-top disrespectful to a woman like he might his best drinking buddy.
 

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I was absolutely at work. They started the chat because its easier to keep track of stuff. Him and his friends all communicate in these group chats so he started one with me in it to get this shirt thing going and they were all throwing in ideas but a few sent videos. I asked if they could keep it in text because I can't keep up with their 9million videos.
Their laziness shouldn't be allowed to hamper your job performance.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Their laziness shouldn't be allowed to hamper your job performance.
Right. I tried telling the husband - if they go to a local shop for their tshirts, they wouldn't be able to get away with any of this. The shops are going to want everything in writing. They can't even give me a design that they want.
 

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Right. I tried telling the husband - if they go to a local shop for their tshirts, they wouldn't be able to get away with any of this. The shops are going to want everything in writing. They can't even give me a design that they want.
Just have them use a local shop. This isn't worth your effort.
 
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