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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Ok, I know Im going to get hammered but I need a way to cope with this.
I was married 17 years and we always did things together. Im divorced and been dating a girl for 16 months.
Tonight she went on a party bus with about 20 other people to Baltimore to run the club scene. I dont think its right for me to impose and say that she cant go but I feel very uncomfortable. Do I trust her?? After 17 years and the way my marriage ended,, not so sure I could ever trust again. Yes I know its not her fault. She is very very beautiful and I know guys will hit on her,,, I equally know she wont do anything but I dont see why she must go out if your in a relationship. To me bars are for completly single people, not married people or people in a relationship. I need to find a way to deal with this or just leave the relationship. We love each other but Ive learned love is never enough, if it was there wouldnt be such a high divorce rate.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I wasnt invited, then found out that other guys went. I dont think she did that on purpose, but not sure. I worked until 9:30pm.
 

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Too bad I'm too late with this reply. Because I'm guessing you handled it all wrong when she got back.

You had every right to be jealous. A woman you have fallen in love with over the past 16 months is out on a "party bus" heading out to go bar hopping at meat markets. She is with a bunch of gals that are drinking and deliberately seeking out places where most of the people go to hook-up for casual sex. (I said MOST people, so take it down a notch). Out of 20 people, I'm guessing a few were single and looking for some kind of fun. And out of 20 people, there were more than a couple of MARRIED people that were looking for a little inappropriate fun. So there is almost no doubt a little group-think went into play and everyone in the group got at least a LITTLE flirty, a LITTLE naughty. And your gal was right in there with them.

That is NOT a situation any same man would want his SO voluntarily stepping into.

Now, this is the issue that brought me here: clubbing wives. I've done a LOT of reading on the subject on this and other forums. So, a couple of questions:

1 - How did she handle the lead-up to this situation? Did she talk to you about it or just kind of sneak away on the trip with as little discussion as possible? How did you find out about the men going? Did she tell you or did you find out about it on your own? And if she told you, was it at the last minute?

2 - How was she when she got back? Did she tell you all bout how much fun she had? Talk to you about the bus? The places they went? Did she dance a lot? Did she talk about how many men hit on her and how she handled it? Knowing she was partaking in an activity any sane man would be uncomfortable with, did she try to ease your fears at all or just try to avoid conversation about it?

You see, I am convinced that there are some women that can go out to meat markets with the sole intent of dancing in a man-free bubble with their gal pals. Those types are open about their comings and goings. The two parties talk about boundaries and actions that are acceptable to the relationship, then openly discuss the night out the next day.

The women going out to party with strange men? Not so much.

Before you put too much energy into this relationship, you need to find out if this type of behavior is something she is going to want to do on a regular basis, or if this was a one-and-done. If she liked it and plans to do it regularly, you need to figure out if you are comfortable with it. There could be any number of reasons she wanted to try it once. But if she liked it and wants to do it a lot more, without you every time, that will be a field of red flags.

She could be a saint and is going to these places to convert the heathen. But even "saints" have drunken "mistakes". What with the alcohol, the dancing, the horny men, the sexually charged atmosphere...

Talk to me. I'm still struggling with this a little myself. I want to hear more of your story. All of the "my wife is out at the clubs all of the time" stories on this site and NOBODY ever answers those questions I put to you.
 

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Two weeks after you post this, your new gal is out on a party bus tour of Baltimore meat markets on a Saturday night.

You may want to talk to someone.

I was married 17 years. i have a 16 year old girl and 7 year old son. I thought our marriage was good until the last year when she started getting angry over everything. She lost alot of weight and even got plastic surgery. She was even changing clothes at work bc she started wearing very tight (****ty-IMO) clothes and it started 1 fight.
She left one night and I have only been in a room with her 1 time in 2 years. I miss the old person I was married to and dislike this new person. Im trying hard to sum it up bc its a long story. Financailly the divorce cost me millions and sent me to bankrutpcy. My daughter, whom was my best buddy in life refuses to talk with me. I have joint with our son but we never have to see each other bc the bus does the transporting. I do have an apt with her and my sons school this coming week and Im freaking out to be in a room with her. This divorce has destroyed my ability to trust people. I have a new great girlfriend but Im hard on her. Im afraid. I find myself still thinking about the old women I was with with. Everyone says time will heal but I cant wait for it. I dont know if I miss her or just miss having the family. My emotions go all over the place sometimes. I cant tell heads from tails. Its even been 4 months since ive spoken to my ex bc her new boyfriend is someone I completly disapprove of and I know you guys will beat me up for that.
I actually find myself wanting to remarry and have another child bc I was the happiest when I had a family. Im miserable alone.
 

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Whether we have a "right" to or not, we're going to feel how we feel. Your values tell you that people in committed relationships don't go to clubs without their partner. Her's tell her something different. I would rather have my partner get on the bus and go partying than to have her sulking around the house, home only because I "told" her not to go. If her feeling for me weren't enough to keep her faithful, she wouldn't be of much use to me. If she's got the breath of life in her, guys are going to hit on her. Half the folks on earth are male, so opportunities to cheat are never far away. Trust her and if you can't trust her, get rid of her. Life is too short to be spending it wondering what your partner is up to. She is your girlfriend, not your wife of 17 years. It'd be unfair to saddle your girlfriend with all that ugly emotional crap handed to you by your ex wife. They are two totally different people. You don't want to pay for someone else's crimes.
 

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I wasnt invited, then found out that other guys went. I dont think she did that on purpose, but not sure. I worked until 9:30pm.
So you were not invited to an event that allows her to go out in an atmosphere with a bunch of single men and women. I think that probably tells you a lot about how she views the relationship. Nothing specifically wrong with that, so you need to reconfigure how you view the relationship and then act accordingly. If this fine, then no problems. If you want more, then recognize she is very likely not wanting the same thing.
 

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This is not about trust, jealousy or controlling anyone.

This is about who you are, what you see the relationsihp to be, what you expect in a relationship versus who she is, what she sees as her relationship with you, and what she expects.

I would tell her that the relationship is not what you thought it was, and therefore are going to move on.

Confidently take steps out, see if she chases after you, and if she doesn't then you know you could not have possibly had a relationship with her survive.
 

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You dodged a bullet. I suggest you not date party girls if you are uncomfotable with this life style.

The fact she thought this was fine tells you about her boundaries.

Now how old is this girl / woman? Just curious because it really does not matter. She is not very mature.

Move on. This is not the woman you are looking for.
 

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I wasnt invited, then found out that other guys went. I dont think she did that on purpose
Are you serious?
She is going to go to meat markets and she "forgets" to invite you, her supposed BF, while other guys are going?

That's some seriously optimistic outlook at the situation.
 

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I was a Disc Jockey for 7 years, I know the club scene well
and I have plenty of experiences with the party bus crowd....

First, it doesn't look like she shares the sames values as you. I would proceed with caution in a relationship with someone like this, because you may have a chronic party girl on your hands if she's into the party bus thing, and chances are she is probably surrounded by toxic friends. (not good)

p.s. There was a reason you weren't invited
 

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The gray area here is that she is a girl friend and not a wife. You did not say she was your fiance either. You are in some level of an LTR ... I guess.

But imagine for a moment this situation and that this was your wife. If she is doing the party bus stuff with other men now after this long why would one expect her life style to change?
 

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We've got to wait until this guy comes back and answers a few questions before we condemn him further. Maybe scare him away from coming back. I've witnessed (and been a part of) many a lynching on this site. This guy got out of a messy divorce and found someone potentially good for him. Someone that may have had an isolated lapse in judgement on a single (?) occasion.

I put (?) because the OP details one night, but I came into this thread with the presumption there were multiple nights out. As a rote response, he typed what he did in the subject line. If it were a single night, it would have been worded differently. So that is question one:

1. Does she like to go clubbing?

If yes, return to the lynching. I'll get more rope.

If no, what was this? A work thing? A friends thing? When did she know men were invited, but not hers? Why didn't she tell him?

I don't know how old they are, but simple math says he's late 30's, early 40's. She may be younger. She may be a Catholic girl who played it straight all her life and got caught up in the thought of a little "innocent" fun before she marries the man of her dreams. She knew it was naughty at best. Maybe inappropriate. But NO WAY cheating!. We may want to try and support them first. Try to not break them up if that's the case. Let's help them get over it first (for a change).

Be that as it may, I'm still interested in communication re:this night out (kind of a hobby of mine). He obviously knew the "what" of what went on. Basics anyhow. Both of his posts were while she was still out. I really want to hear about how their conversation went when she got home. Did she tell him all about it? Where they went? Who they met? Or was she secretive, and he didn't push. You know, getting accused of that control thing...
 
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