Jealousy.

3124 Views 16 Replies 11 Participants Last post by KnK, Oct 16, 2012

KnK

Discussion Starter · Oct 15, 2012

I need help. My husband cheated on me almost 4 years ago and I forgave him. No matter how hard I try to let it go I can't. I am so jealous of little things, it's eating me alive. I freak out about a girl I see him talking to and then always find out it's nothing. I check his phone , email , go through his wallet etc. It's really bad and I feel like I can't control it. I will probably end up ruining the marriage I wanted so badly to save. I am trying my best to deal with the depression and jealousy but nothing is working. It does not help that he is horrible at communication and when I try to tell him exactly how I feel he just says " I thought this was over " and " what do you want me to say " *Sigh* I am totally lost on this. Now there is a new 20 year old co worker in the situation and I want to not worry but I constantly find myself mad or sad for no reason and wanting to call him all the time.. Please someone help me!

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Chelle D

· #2 · Oct 15, 2012

Talk to him... Open lines of communication.

Tell him your feelings about the new 20 yearold. Let him know that logically, you know the jealousy might be irrational, but nonetheless, you still feel it.

When He says "I thought this was over." tell him, No.. You are trying to get over it, but it really made you feel insecure in your standing as his wife, as his #1 gal. It might take more time & lots of encouragement from him to really have it "over".

If he says "What do you want me to say?" Tell him that you are wanting him to re-assure you that he does NOT feel any attraction, or any emotions for this gal. You want him to say.. that He is focused on keeping the marriage just between you two.. That a third party will not get thought of again.

Doesn't sound like you two did marriage therapy 4 years ago, did you? Maybe you could suggest it.

KnK

Discussion Starter · #3 · Oct 15, 2012

Chelle D said:
Talk to him... Open lines of communication.

Tell him your feelings about the new 20 yearold. Let him know that logically, you know the jealousy might be irrational, but nonetheless, you still feel it.

When He says "I thought this was over." tell him, No.. You are trying to get over it, but it really made you feel insecure in your standing as his wife, as his #1 gal. It might take more time & lots of encouragement from him to really have it "over".

If he says "What do you want me to say?" Tell him that you are wanting him to re-assure you that he does NOT feel any attraction, or any emotions for this gal. You want him to say.. that He is focused on keeping the marriage just between you two.. That a third party will not get thought of again.

Doesn't sound like you two did marriage therapy 4 years ago, did you? Maybe you could suggest it.

We did not exactly do therapy. We talked to a pastor and things were ok for a while but now I have constant paranoid feelings that he will hurt me again and he does not do a good job with communicating no matter how hard I try. I have thought about therapy and will probably bring it up to him. I want to move past this, I just don't really know how to shake these feelings but I do know I can't do it alone. He has to contribute.

45188

· #4 · Oct 15, 2012

It's his job to make you feel comfortable. He has to do everything he can to do that. After all, he was the unfaithful one. Good luck in Therapy.

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Toffer

· #5 · Oct 15, 2012

Counseling NOW and not a pastor or religious based!

Tell him that you still strugglw with issues over his affair years ago although you know he's been on the straight and narrow all this time but that you need the two of you to work on your communication skills and you on your past issues from the affair

Recovering from an affair can take years and he should be doing everything he can to help you if he wants the marriage to work.

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KnK

Discussion Starter · #6 · Oct 15, 2012

I will seek help from a therapist. We have talked about it and he agreed to give it his all. Thanks everyone "fingers crossed"

badbane

· #7 · Oct 15, 2012

KnK said:
I need help. My husband cheated on me almost 4 years ago and I forgave him. No matter how hard I try to let it go I can't. I am so jealous of little things, it's eating me alive. I freak out about a girl I see him talking to and then always find out it's nothing. I check his phone , email , go through his wallet etc. It's really bad and I feel like I can't control it. I will probably end up ruining the marriage I wanted so badly to save. I am trying my best to deal with the depression and jealousy but nothing is working. It does not help that he is horrible at communication and when I try to tell him exactly how I feel he just says " I thought this was over " and " what do you want me to say " *Sigh* I am totally lost on this. Now there is a new 20 year old co worker in the situation and I want to not worry but I constantly find myself mad or sad for no reason and wanting to call him all the time.. Please someone help me!

How exactly did you "forgive him". Sounds like you are the victim of rug sweeping. Do you think that is the case?

Reactions: 1

SomedayDig

· #8 · Oct 15, 2012

A valid point Badbane. While pastoral care is a good thing for people, I know from experience that a lot of what is spoken about is "moving on" and not about the core issues of infidelity. Unfortunately, pastoral care is wonderful for religion but not so much for issues as such.

KnK, did your WH discuss details with you about the affair? Did you get answers to questions that you had about his affair? Did he show true remorse in trying to work on reconciliation or did he simply go along thinking pastoral care was enough?

I mean, it's definitely a plus that he's willing to go through with counseling, and that's huge. You need to know exactly what you NEED from counseling though. It will be tough because it's gonna bring up "old" stuff, but you have to do it to help yourself through this. Make sure your WH also understands that you will be bringing up those feelings from 4 years ago. I'd suggest to write a list of what you need from him to help you through these struggles you have.

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Hope1964

· #9 · Oct 15, 2012

What exactly has your WS done to prove to you he deserves to be trusted? Do you have all the details of what he did? Have you done any reading about how to heal from infidelity? WHY did you 'forgive' him? Has he been STD tested and shown you the results?

In another post you said this is all your fault and that you need to deal with it yourself. THAT IS NOT TRUE. Your husband has GOT to prove to you that he deserves for you to even be with him. Has he grovelled? Apologized? Become a completely open book?

If the two of you had gone through MC (which you haven't) and done a whole ton of work (which it doesn't sound like you have) then yeah, I would say you have an issue of your own. But expecting to be fine after infidelity when nothing has been dealt with is absurd.

Reactions: 1

canttrustu

· #10 · Oct 15, 2012

Plus I think its natural to be a bit more jealous b/c you are more aware of the possible threat. Before you could live in the fairytale land of "oh he'd never cheat on me..." like the rest of us but now you've been forced into a new and harsh reality. A reality that you know holds the ability for him to cheat. Its natural to want to protect that from happening. BUT with that said, its HIS job as the cheater to help you feel safe, loved and honored. The problem with infidelity is the betrayal. The lack of trust that comes with it. Lack of trust leads to jealousy. Its natural. You have to work at rebuilding trust. But first he has to deserve it.

Believe me I get it. My H is on an interview with 4 people today. 3 of whom are female.... I get it.

KnK

Discussion Starter · #11 · Oct 15, 2012

He did give me details of the affair to an extent but not every little bit. He was indeed tested for STD's and thankfully passed. I forgave him because even though he killed apart of me I still loved him and dreaded the D word. He since has changed the way he speaks to me , treats me in general. It is more of an us now than before instead if treating me as if we were just two bad roommates. He has made a lot of efforts but still does not communicate with me like is needed to make me feel closer to him and more comfortable. I blame his raising. His parents showed no love nor compassion for each other are their children. He acts as if he doesn't understand how to be sensitive or comforting.

SomedayDig

· #12 · Oct 15, 2012

Then it sounds like a real counselor is exactly what you need. It's good that he changed the way in which he treats you. With work and soul searching and aid of a good counselor, he should be able to answer a lot of the stuff regarding his family of origin (FOO) issues. It's amazing how much that crap truly defines how we relate to everyone. The good news is - he can break that chain now and not pass it on to any children...if you have them now or in the future.

Reactions: 1

Tony55

· #13 · Oct 15, 2012

This is exactly why I ended my marriage so quickly after the discovery; I forsaw exactly what you're now describing. I wouldn't have been able to live with the uncertainty.

Reactions: 1

thesunwillcomeout

· #14 · Oct 16, 2012

KnK said:
He did give me details of the affair to an extent but not every little bit. He was indeed tested for STD's and thankfully passed. I forgave him because even though he killed apart of me I still loved him and dreaded the D word. He since has changed the way he speaks to me , treats me in general. It is more of an us now than before instead if treating me as if we were just two bad roommates. He has made a lot of efforts but still does not communicate with me like is needed to make me feel closer to him and more comfortable. I blame his raising. His parents showed no love nor compassion for each other are their children. He acts as if he doesn't understand how to be sensitive or comforting.

The treating you as a "we" instead of like a roomate is a good thing. But the groundwork has to change, because you want those changes to beome bedrock and not just a throw rug. There are people here, myself included, who recommend Shirley Glass' book "Not Just Friends"....It'll help you understand the nature of infidelity and how people slide into it and what you can do to reverse the walls and windows. If your husband is really willing to do anything to work on your marriage he'll be willing to go to counseling and in the meantime you can start by reading that book! Read passages to him if you need to to get the ball rolling.

My husband mentioned in counseling that during our dating and marriage I had a tendency to be jealous due probably to my father's affair when we were young. Only problem is I have radar. Call it jealousy if you want, but that radar picks up on real things and not just imagined (and then I listed 'em). If I hadn't had that "jealousy" (which was radar) about my husband's co-worker (Ow) I would've been as clueless as her husband was. On several occasions over the course of months I told him I had concerns about their hanging out. He said "I understand" but just kept on moving the ball forward. I was SO onto it. That jealousy was radar.

Why not visit your husband at work?

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KnK

Discussion Starter · #15 · Oct 16, 2012

thesunwillcomeout said:
The treating you as a "we" instead of like a roomate is a good thing. But the groundwork has to change, because you want those changes to beome bedrock and not just a throw rug. There are people here, myself included, who recommend Shirley Glass' book "Not Just Friends"....It'll help you understand the nature of infidelity and how people slide into it and what you can do to reverse the walls and windows. If your husband is really willing to do anything to work on your marriage he'll be willing to go to counseling and in the meantime you can start by reading that book! Read passages to him if you need to to get the ball rolling.

My husband mentioned in counseling that during our dating and marriage I had a tendency to be jealous due probably to my father's affair when we were young. Only problem is I have radar. Call it jealousy if you want, but that radar picks up on real things and not just imagined (and then I listed 'em). If I hadn't had that "jealousy" (which was radar) about my husband's co-worker (Ow) I would've been as clueless as her husband was. On several occasions over the course of months I told him I had concerns about their hanging out. He said "I understand" but just kept on moving the ball forward. I was SO onto it. That jealousy was radar.

Why not visit your husband at work?

I understand and I will def. check out that book. My husbands work now is very busy constantly and there is a no socializing policy. The reason I freak out so easily about his work , co workers etc. is because the last job he had is when he ended up cheating on me. There was to much time for socializing etc. and this girl actually went to his work constantly and just kept on and kept on. He is by far not innocent but this chick was a classic Home wrecker who just turned 18. I am going to try and he says he will too.

KanDo

· #16 · Oct 16, 2012

4 years .....Do you think you will ever heal? If I was in this situation after 4 years, I would seriously consider whether it was worth it. Defintely get some counseling. Good luck

KnK

Discussion Starter · #17 · Oct 16, 2012

KanDo said:
4 years .....Do you think you will ever heal? If I was in this situation after 4 years, I would seriously consider whether it was worth it. Defintely get some counseling. Good luck

I do think it is worth it. He has put fourth his effort and is still. It is me who needs to work past my issues with it. Plus I have a (just turned) 2 year old who is defiantly enough reason to try harder.

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