Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 24 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
6 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
I am married with a young daughter. Our relationship started out with me (a virgin saving myself for non religious reasons) and my future wife who had some experience I didn't know how much.

Being my first real relationship I probably asked some questions I shouldn't have and didn't want to know the answers to about her past. She did answer, but also lied some too. I figured out quick I would rather not know and asked her to stop telling me things about her sexual past, but she still did. A while into the relationship we did end up having sex.
(I did delay it until I thought she might be the one)

Even further into the relationship she brought up wanting to have a 3some with another girl. (I declined I thought it might cause problems) Eventually I started catching some of her lies though about her past. Once I learned of a lie I would dig at it until I found out the truth( or what I thought to be the truth) This caused me to learn more and more about her past sex life and how she had slept around a good bit. (men, and women)

Now it is to the point where I feel like I'm causing problems from jealousy about her past. (Her lies still happen, but only about her past which I think I shouldn't really be bringing up anyway, but lies bug me a lot) She still brings up the 3some, but now as a way to fix the jealousy instead of something for fun. I'm very iffy on this. I now have a desire to experience stuff like that, but at the same time I feel like Im abandoning my old values. It also feels a bit like cheating.

Im not sure what to do. Feel free to blast away at me if I'm the problem I would rather know it than not.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,184 Posts
IMHO,

Whilst partners having a similar level of sexual experience coming into a relationship is not necessary it is essential that they talk openly and honestly about their "needs" and “wants” from the physical side of the relationship as it develops.

Did you and your wife have such a conversation BEFORE you had a child together?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6 Posts
Discussion Starter · #4 ·
We had spoke about how I didn't like her past but I didn't want to hold it against her either. I tried letting it go and forgetting. (the 3some was also brought up before the child and before the problems became apparent). The real issue is I didn't want it back then, but after learning more and more about her past I have a greater desire to do the 3some and have sex with other women. (I would never cheat I am just being honest about the desires)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,520 Posts
I now have a desire to experience stuff like that, but at the same time I feel like Im abandoning my old values. It also feels a bit like cheating.

Im not sure what to do. Feel free to blast away at me if I'm the problem I would rather know it than not.
It's my opinion that your "Old values" are the center of your problem.

You have serious insecurities about your sexuality you probably wouldn't have if you hadn't "saved yourself" (What are you money, a coupon?).

You're intimidated by your wife's history because you have none of your own.

If I had a nickel for ever guy who "saved himself" and ended up posting the problems derived from it I'd be giving Warren Buffet a run for his money.

It's my opinion the only choice you have is to deal with it the best you can because it's not going away in this relationship.

Don't do the threesome, it's a catastrophe waiting to happen.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6 ·
You may be right. In retrospect I felt like saving myself was a mistake at times. (though I may have saved myself from some nasty stds who knows) I have tried just keeping the issues to myself but I end up breaking down. Also I know I should just leave the lies alone but when I realize more I still can't help but pick at them. I really don't want to take it out on her though. I feel like she may be getting punished for my issues. (though we both admit her lies are an issue too)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,184 Posts
Don't do the threesome, it's a catastrophe waiting to happen.
:iagree:

IHMO relationships work best when a COUPLE are just that a COUPLE, not a threesome or an ever changing string of strangers.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6 Posts
Discussion Starter · #8 ·
What should I do is the question. I don't want to be lied to. (I've tried drawing a line but even when it is crossed I don't leave).
As for dealing with the jealousy I can keep it in. I'm not sure if that is a good idea though, but that is why I am here for advice. I tried searching online and the suggestions really didn't suit me (breaking up and sleeping around then getting back together)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,625 Posts
Regardless of what you and your wife talk about, you cannot simply "leave the lies alone". If she continues to lie about things, then in time it will get easier for her to keep more things from you and then...who knows.

This is a good example of why I am a strong advocate of discussing sexual histories before marriage. I never wanted to be the guy that married a woman that 1) Had a lot of partners and 2) did things with a partner(s) that she would never do sexually with me. Both are huge deal breakers.

IMO, you were completely justified in digging and questioning her past up to the marriage. But if you were in the middle of questioning, being told lies and you elected to marry her anyways, then I don't see where your jealousy is just anymore. You know she had a colorful past and went for it. Now you have to live with it. Sorry, but what else can you do?

However, if all of this came to light AFTER you were married, then you have a valid reason to be upset. You may have married under false pretenses.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,520 Posts
What should I do is the question. I don't want to be lied to. (I've tried drawing a line but even when it is crossed I don't leave).
As for dealing with the jealousy I can keep it in. I'm not sure if that is a good idea though, but that is why I am here for advice. I tried searching online and the suggestions really didn't suit me (breaking up and sleeping around then getting back together)


I understand and dislike lying as well but at this point her lying may just be a coping mechanism considering you don't seem to deal with her sexual past very well.

If every time I answered you truthfully just to end up having you angry, moody, or jealous, I'd be lying too.

Trust me when I tell you no woman finds insecurity attractive.
You'll begin having problems in your relationship on other fronts as well.

I don't understand why at this point the two of you are even having discussions about her sexual past.

How does this come up enough to be a stressor in your relationship?

My advice on the best course for you take take this relationship on?

Assess who and what she is now, decide if she's a person you love, trust, and respect.
Consider why you respect her most of all.
Are your reasons objective or emotion filled?
Be as objective as you can.

If you decide she is a person you love, trust, and respect then deal with your issues and hers.

If you decide she isn't that person then find the least destructive way to end the situation.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,770 Posts
How is that a strait laced guy like you Need(y), ends up with some freak booty like what you have. This may be a good reason why people shouldn't make an effort to live by one extreme or the other.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6 Posts
Discussion Starter · #12 · (Edited)
I understand and dislike lying as well but at this point her lying may just be a coping mechanism considering you don't seem to deal with her sexual past very well.

If every time I answered you truthfully just to end up having you angry, moody, or jealous, I'd be lying too.

Trust me when I tell you no woman finds insecurity attractive.
You'll begin having problems in your relationship on other fronts as well.

I don't understand why at this point the two of you are even having discussions about her sexual past.

How does this come up enough to be a stressor in your relationship?

My advice on the best course for you take take this relationship on?

Assess who and what she is now, decide if she's a person you love, trust, and respect.
Consider why you respect her most of all.
Are your reasons objective or emotion filled?
Be as objective as you can.

If you decide she is a person you love, trust, and respect then deal with your issues and hers.

If you decide she isn't that person then find the least destructive way to end the situation.
That is the thing about the lies. For a long while I didn't even know she was lying, and I wasn't getting upset because after she would tell me something It would bug me for a bit then go away. Later on when I realized they were lies and I couldn't stop thinking about them or digging at them. (in the process learning a lot of details I would rather not know). The lying has slowed down, but not stopped. (I'm assuming this is from a lack of material to lie about though and not from a change) I feel like once I know the truth on things I may be able to move on, but that seems to be a lot harder said than done. I do worry about her past cheating and homewrecking some also, but I always tell myself those were different relationships.

I have not trusted her in a long long time, but I do love and respect her. I really want to fix things, but I seem incapable of doing it on my own.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6 Posts
Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Regardless of what you and your wife talk about, you cannot simply "leave the lies alone". If she continues to lie about things, then in time it will get easier for her to keep more things from you and then...who knows.

This is a good example of why I am a strong advocate of discussing sexual histories before marriage. I never wanted to be the guy that married a woman that 1) Had a lot of partners and 2) did things with a partner(s) that she would never do sexually with me. Both are huge deal breakers.

IMO, you were completely justified in digging and questioning her past up to the marriage. But if you were in the middle of questioning, being told lies and you elected to marry her anyways, then I don't see where your jealousy is just anymore. You know she had a colorful past and went for it. Now you have to live with it. Sorry, but what else can you do?

However, if all of this came to light AFTER you were married, then you have a valid reason to be upset. You may have married under false pretenses.
I was engaged before most of it came up. I learned a large amount of it after she was pregnant and during the pregnancy.
After that I figured I cared about her and didn't want her or the child out of my life so I went ahead and married her.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,668 Posts
I am married with a young daughter. Our relationship started out with me (a virgin saving myself for non religious reasons) and my future wife who had some experience I didn't know how much.

Being my first real relationship I probably asked some questions I shouldn't have and didn't want to know the answers to about her past. She did answer, but also lied some too. I figured out quick I would rather not know and asked her to stop telling me things about her sexual past, but she still did. A while into the relationship we did end up having sex.
(I did delay it until I thought she might be the one)

Even further into the relationship she brought up wanting to have a 3some with another girl. (I declined I thought it might cause problems) Eventually I started catching some of her lies though about her past. Once I learned of a lie I would dig at it until I found out the truth( or what I thought to be the truth) This caused me to learn more and more about her past sex life and how she had slept around a good bit. (men, and women)

Now it is to the point where I feel like I'm causing problems from jealousy about her past. (Her lies still happen, but only about her past which I think I shouldn't really be bringing up anyway, but lies bug me a lot) She still brings up the 3some, but now as a way to fix the jealousy instead of something for fun. I'm very iffy on this. I now have a desire to experience stuff like that, but at the same time I feel like Im abandoning my old values. It also feels a bit like cheating.

Im not sure what to do. Feel free to blast away at me if I'm the problem I would rather know it than not.
I have no idea why you married a woman who lied. Or why you married a woman you were not compatible with.

Having a threesome is only going to drive home you are not compatible IMO.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,770 Posts
the other piece of advice I might offer is to look for a message board that caters to people who would like to withhold sex until marriage.

I think most people here are not against pre-marital sex, and like me, probably understand the risks involved in marrying someone that they "do not know" err, in the biblical sense.

Or maybe you can ask the moderators to create your thread or section.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,520 Posts
I have not trusted her in a long long time, but I do love and respect her. I really want to fix things, but I seem incapable of doing it on my own.
This mistrust stems of course from the lying about her sexual history?(Correct me if I'm wrong)

How has she been since you've been together as far as trustworthiness?

Has she shown an ability to lie to you about other things?
Do her actions tell you you are important to her?

I know it's hard but if her past and lying about it is the sole motivator for the problems between you you might be best off learning to forget about it in whatever way you can.

Her current sexual proclivities for group scenarios can be dealt with without actually bringing in a third.

Everyone has fantasies.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,608 Posts
Even further into the relationship she brought up wanting to have a 3some with another girl.
Wow. Some of us would love to have that "problem".



Eventually I started catching some of her lies though about her past. Once I learned of a lie I would dig at it until I found out the truth( or what I thought to be the truth) This caused me to learn more and more about her past sex life and how she had slept around a good bit. (men, and women).

It sounds like she was reluctant to tell you everything about her past because she knew it would upset you. I understand you probably feel you have lost some of your trust for her, but it's possible she was honestly just trying to spare your feelings. If she has been truthful otherwise in your marriage, you might want to cut her some slack on this. The past should stay in the past.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
686 Posts
I may be missing something, but you have been a little vague on the lies. I have not met a person on this planet that has not told a lie at one time or another. What is she lying about? As for the temptation of a threesome, that will take you in a direction you have never been before. The temptation to have permission to have sex with other women is a tempting thing for the very few that gets that opportunity. However, you are only looking at a 2 women scenario. What would happen if she wants to change up the sides and have a two men one woman scenario? How would you react? She let you have your fun, now it is her turn (see what I mean). Just remember you can't get the genie back in the bottle.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,625 Posts
It sounds like she was reluctant to tell you everything about her past because she knew it would upset you. I understand you probably feel you have lost some of your trust for her, but it's possible she was honestly just trying to spare your feelings. If she has been truthful otherwise in your marriage, you might want to cut her some slack on this. The past should stay in the past.
Which surprisingly sounds a lot like the concept of "trickle truth" when a BS is trying to get information about what the WS did in his/her affair. But in reality, if the person asking the questions wants to know, then the other person should be obliged to tell the truth. As an example, if my wife banged 20 guys before she met me plus engaged in threesomes, I would definitely want to know. It's only right and fair to know what you may be getting yourself into whenever you want to take a relationship to the next level.

I disagree. The past decisions we make are what make us the people we are today. If someone has been the affair partners of married people in the past, then it's more likely that this person will end up cheating tomorrow. Again, you need to become an "informed shopper" before you take the plunge. Caveat Emptor.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,668 Posts
Which surprisingly sounds a lot like the concept of "trickle truth" when a BS is trying to get information about what the WS did in his/her affair. But in reality, if the person asking the questions wants to know, then the other person should be obliged to tell the truth. As an example, if my wife banged 20 guys before she met me plus engaged in threesomes, I would definitely want to know. It's only right and fair to know what you may be getting yourself into whenever you want to take a relationship to the next level.

I disagree. The past decisions we make are what make us the people we are today. If someone has been the affair partners of married people in the past, then it's more likely that this person will end up cheating tomorrow. Again, you need to become an "informed shopper" before you take the plunge. Caveat Emptor.
:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Do not lie to me and tell me it is for my own good.

Also do not begin a relationship on a foundation of lies. If you have to lie then something is wrong.
 
1 - 20 of 24 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top