Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 19 of 19 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
329 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
so...hoping this is not a direct repeat post (I did search first). My wife has been using vibrators the majority of our relationship, which I am fine with. She does not always love that she needs them to climax, but I would rather her have a climax than go without. In general, I have been (and still am), comfortable with sex toys in our relationship. With that said, I purchased the "Womanizer Pro" toy a few weeks ago, and have been very jealous of it. The first time she used it (we were together), I could tell (after 25 years together), that is was one of the most physically pleasurable sexual experiences she has ever had. That, in itself, did not bother me (it was actually really hot!), but she seemed to "clam up" about it afterwards and did not want to talk about it, has really tried to downplay how well the toy pleasured her, and it really seems she is intentionally trying to not make a big deal of it, almost as if she thinks I will feel inadequate about it. I have always been pro sex toy, so not sure why she would feel this way, but it seems very much the case. I get jealous, almost because it seem she is hiding how she feels from me. To complicate the dialog doing on in my head about this, her normal go to vibrator seems to not really do the trick as often. It works, but a few times it has not, and she ends up reaching for the Womanizer (which would be fine....if I felt she was willing to be open about how much she likes it).

The secrecy is what is really making me uncomfortable. If she just came out and told me the toy was awesome, I think it would just be something fun we have in the bedroom and I would be super happy for her to have great pleasure......but the lack of willingness to be open about it really makes me feel weird. Am I just off on this? I could really use some advise...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,545 Posts
My wife has been using vibrators the majority of our relationship
She does not always love that she needs them to climax
first time she used it... was one of the most physically pleasurable sexual experiences she has ever had.
her normal go to vibrator seems to not really do the trick as often.

My guess..... this vibrator is one that she actually does love that she needs it to climax..... and, in the past, she has equated "does not always love" as being associated with her love and devotion to you.

She may have to rationalize a "new normal" if this vibrator has "something" the others didn't....and, in the interim, she is being "guarded" because she doesn't want to have a different relationship to you. It's irrational..... but our feelings don't always follow logic.

One way you could "take" this, is that you could be thankful for such a wonderful wife who cares this much about you....wanting to protect the marriage and the husband she cherishes.

My other guess.... is that she is unfathomably priceless....one of God's best.....
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,744 Posts
So it seems like she is open about how much she likes it, at least by her actions. I guess I don’t really understand the problem... she doesn’t want to hurt your feelings so she downplays it but it’s clear she likes it because she reaches for it and you can see physically how much pleasure she gets from it. She’s not hiding that. Why is verbal conformation needed for you? Why would this make you feel better?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
329 Posts
Discussion Starter · #4 ·
I think it is because it seems she is keeping a secret, about our sex life. It is the idea that if you are secretive on one thing...what else are you secretive about. I purchased the new toy, after reading a ton of amazing reviews, so I expected it would be awesome for her, but the way she acts is very obvious she is trying to minimize it. I feel jealous, because I feel like she is hiding something. Maybe I am way off base...I know I feel emotional about it, but maybe I do not need to.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,600 Posts
First impression is that you don't need to make a big deal about it either.

Just remove the other not as good toy(s) batteries, or always have the womanizer out and do her always first. Your call.

She may indeed equate the fact that she liked it so much with the feeling "she shouldn't like it soooooo much" because she's a good girl/good wife.

My suggestion would be don't talk about that for a while, let her good more familiar and comfortable with the liking it, for a while.

It could even open up more doors for you two as a couple.

Good job!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,345 Posts
I don't know if it is so much being secretive as much as perhaps guilt, in the sense that here is a woman married to her love and yet can not seem climax with that love...so she needs the aid of toys to do so...on some level perhaps she does not want to talk about it because she feels guilty and perhaps a bit of shame in finding pleasure in it's climax.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,545 Posts
I think @Ragnar Ragnasson and @Lostinthought61 have the right ideas on it.

I'm not familiar with the array of available sex toys and vibrators. I read briefly about the "Womanizer" and found that it has a sucking action upon the clitoris, I'm guessing this is a somewhat unique feature of this type.

My wife has apologized to me when she doesn't reach orgasm. She said that she knows it bothers me when she doesn't, and doesn't want me to blame myself for it. There may be a similar psychological mechanism.....after 25 years of marriage, your wife probably knows you really well, and even in the earliest uses of the "Womanizer", she could probably sense your jealousy.

Married_in_Michigan said:
It is the idea that if you are secretive on one thing...what else are you secretive about.
That's a very destructive idea. It indeed may be that your wife is secretive about nothing else at all.

I'm not secretive about anything with my wife....except, sometimes, I don't reveal large bills. If she asks me, of course, I would never lie to her, and she will find out when she looks at the payments coming out of our bank account, which is joint, I make no effort to "hide" them, but I don't "volunteer" it because I know it raises her stress level.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,643 Posts
A husbands mouth can also apply a sucking action upon th clitoris. I know at least one woman who responds to that better than licking, kissing, etc.

Maybe its possible to get the best of both worlds: pleasurable sensations and genuine human contact.

Something to think about when you wanna' get freaky without mechanized assistance.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,909 Posts
I don't know, if it were me I would try egging her on and cheering on her orgasms.

Then maybe she would get that you're not jealous of the thing.

I admit I would have mixed feelings about it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,207 Posts
Maybe your behaviour is causing hers? People react to very subtle cues. Maybe initially she just didn't feel like talking about it but now it's a big thing in your head she's actively seeking to avoid confrontation or disagreement about it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,207 Posts
Just a thought, in my own case I think I would find it difficult to discuss how much pleasure the toy gave me in that situation. You want to tell a partner how much you loved how they did 'this' or 'that' and how awesome they were, but if your praise for such an intimate moment is for a thing, I wouldn't want to dwell on that fact. I'd push it to the back of my mind and try stay focused on my person. The thing is a tool, use it or don't, but don't make it another person in your relationship.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,466 Posts
so...hoping this is not a direct repeat post (I did search first). My wife has been using vibrators the majority of our relationship, which I am fine with. She does not always love that she needs them to climax, but I would rather her have a climax than go without. In general, I have been (and still am), comfortable with sex toys in our relationship. With that said, I purchased the "Womanizer Pro" toy a few weeks ago, and have been very jealous of it. The first time she used it (we were together), I could tell (after 25 years together), that is was one of the most physically pleasurable sexual experiences she has ever had. That, in itself, did not bother me (it was actually really hot!), but she seemed to "clam up" about it afterwards and did not want to talk about it, has really tried to downplay how well the toy pleasured her, and it really seems she is intentionally trying to not make a big deal of it, almost as if she thinks I will feel inadequate about it. I have always been pro sex toy, so not sure why she would feel this way, but it seems very much the case. I get jealous, almost because it seem she is hiding how she feels from me. To complicate the dialog doing on in my head about this, her normal go to vibrator seems to not really do the trick as often. It works, but a few times it has not, and she ends up reaching for the Womanizer (which would be fine....if I felt she was willing to be open about how much she likes it).

The secrecy is what is really making me uncomfortable. If she just came out and told me the toy was awesome, I think it would just be something fun we have in the bedroom and I would be super happy for her to have great pleasure......but the lack of willingness to be open about it really makes me feel weird. Am I just off on this? I could really use some advise...
I don't know but I'm going to look that toy up ASAP!!!!

My guess would be that she doesn't want to make a big deal out of how good it was because she doesn't want to indicate that you are inadequate. It's just odd that she's used toys all along and is quiet on this one.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,470 Posts
It seems pretty sad that you've had to resort to toys your whole marriage because she can't have an orgasm without them.


And you're good with that? That doesn't make you feel inadequate?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
329 Posts
Discussion Starter · #14 ·
The other toys, have always been something that just help her over the edge, that we use together, and not really the primary or main event, so she seems ok to talk about them. I don't think they are "amazing" in any way, just help her reach climax...so she does not consider them any big deal. This new toy, seems like it is something on its own and really was amazing physical experience. I will avoid being to graphic here, but it was obviously way beyond just a vibrator helping with an orgasm.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
329 Posts
Discussion Starter · #15 ·
It seems pretty sad that you've had to resort to toys your whole marriage because she can't have an orgasm without them.


And you're good with that? That doesn't make you feel inadequate?
That would be for an entire other thread. My wife has had orgasms, with us together, without a toy, but not as frequently. After enough time in marriage counseling, it became pretty obvious that is was not about my skill or performance, but some anxieties she deals with. Once I understood that, I felt much more inadequate and was ok with toys being part of our sex life. She has difficulty giving herself (even when alone), and orgasm without the aid of a toy. Not all that uncommon, so not really a big deal...the difference is that she is open to talking about it, and it is just a stated fact....this new toy is a whole new ball game.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
329 Posts
Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Together, as in you're holding and controlling it?
No, she holds and controls it. On occasion, she likes my to have my finger in her while she uses it, but often just laying next to each other, and she is using it on herself. She pretty much zones out after it is on her for 2 seconds, seems to be intense pleasure the entire time, then massive climax
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,600 Posts
SSGI may be pulling your leg, although I can't speak for the post for sure.

With all that's gone on, this toy/activity/new experiment is just a part of her ((and your) educational experience in identifying what works for her at this time. That's for sure.

No inadequacy involved. Don't over think it. 😊😊

Good job in continuing to explore different experiences!!
 
1 - 19 of 19 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top